Like Scrooge, in a Way

Why yes, Christmas was awesome, thanks for asking.

Took two days of the weekend to unwind, finish shopping, and clean my room (it was really messy) and then spent the next two at my parents' place mostly eating, although occasionally opening gifts, giving away gifts, and moving large appliances up flights of stairs.

Delightfully traditional. Sort of.

Had excellent reception for the gifts I gave (a rarity, so yay) and as per usual was loaded down with awesome things through the generosity of my family. But that is only tangentially related to my reason for posting.

See, I've become a crazy old man, virtually overnight. The night before I left for my parents', I received my electricity bill for the last month and almost had a heart attack. In the middle of winter, we managed to use 3 times the normal wattage that we expend in a month in the summer. No, really, truly, and literally, 3 times my August bill. I immediately declared that we would no longer be using the heater in any significant capacity, as apparently getting the apartment over 70 degrees requires enough power to run a normal city block for a week.

Suddenly Frank is in his room, huddled over his laptop for warmth, shivering. Meanwhile, I've taken to wearing a flannel robe over all my normal clothes while at home to retain as much warmth as possible. Seriously, it's like I've become crazy Scrooge over here with Frank as Cratchet. (With the exception that Frank does not go in for any type of maths, and so far as I know, has not fathered any crippled children.)

Also! As part of my extensive haul from this Christmas, I received the DS video game Geometry Wars, something I've been coveting since it came out earlier this month. It is a most excellent game, as I love things that are simplistic, yet colorful that let me blast things. It's the pure essence of what a video game should be.

Sadly, though, it was not made to originally played on a tiny portable system. In its native state, you control the game using two analogue joysticks on a single controller. In order to make it workable on the DS, they have changed the left joystick to a directional pad (up-down-left-right) and the right joystick to a tiny pencil which you use to draw your direction on the touch screen. It's not the most elegant solution, but it's surprisingly effective.

The issue is, for maximum effectiveness with this setup you must hold the system with one hand, scribble furiously with the other, and have a finger available on the holding hand to hit a button on the top of the system. The only way to accomplish such a maneuver is to bend your wrist at a 90 degree angle, brace the bottom of the system with your pinkie and ring finger, extend your middle finger across the length of the back of the system, use your index finger to trigger the upper button, and have your thumb act as a counter weight/directional button pushing device.

Okay, that probably sounds completely unintelligible. The upshot is: within 15 minutes of starting play, your hands will be cramped up into withered claws, from which there is no respite. It's like carpal tunnel within carpal tunnel.

If you try to outfox the game by laying the DS on a surface, there's no elegant way to reach the upper button, so you're left with limited playability. And if you use both hands to hold the system, you are severely limited in your scribbling ability. Neither of which is an acceptable solution to a proper gaming person.

The end result? Not only am I a crazy old man who wears a flannel robe at all times while yelling about wasted heat, my hands are set in arthritic claws whilst doing so.

Yeah, Merry Freezing Christmas, y'all.

(You have no idea how painful it was to type all that out.)

Shocking Revelation: Computers are Awesome

Last week I wrote about my Christmas extravagance when it has to do with my own selfishness - namely the purchase of a new monitor and video card to replace my current dying unit.

In stark contrast to the extravagance of the purchase itself, I bought both items online rather than in a store. Because the lure of cheap prices, no sales tax, and free shipping speak to my inner Scrooge even when I'm throwing away piles of money.

I am utterly unaccustomed to having to wait for large purchases to reach me by mail, though. If I order anything online, it's usually books or a game, nothing that has any immediacy to it. This thing, though... man. The guaranteed three business day shipping that traversed an entire weekend nearly ripped me to shreds. Having to wait for the results of my mad spending spree makes me infinitely quicker to regret said impulse purchase.

Also, I was still having to work with the old monitor, which by that point would take a liberal 20 minutes to even give me a picture. I attempted to leave the sad thing on for the entire weekend, but I need complete darkness to sleep apparently, and thus it was an untenable situation.

But oh my, on Monday the monitor arrived.

The only word for it was coined by Frank, upon seeing it for the first time: "Excessive."

It is the most excessive thing I have ever seen. 22 inches of wide screen glory that is sharper than I previously imagined possible on a monitor. When you maximize a FireFox window, less than half the screen has any content on it. I can now open full-sized pictures off my digital camera in Photoshop without the slightest bit of scaling. It's the most ridiculously over-the-top thing I've ever owned that is not my Jaguar.

Then yesterday the video card arrived. It's a more modest affair, a last generation card that has been thoroughly outpaced in the meantime. But for me - a guy who was running something that was last generation at least two generations ago - it's an ungodly upgrade.

And just to complete the orgy of spending, I went out and maxed out the RAM on my computer to go along with the rest of the upgrades. This one was less extravagant and more "Duh, why didn't you do that earlier," as RAM has apparently grown so cheap since the last time I bought some that they're almost giving it away. $25 was the total cost to max my ancient machine to its peak performance.

Y'all? I know I say "there are no words" a lot. But really. Suddenly I have an entirely new ultra-functional computer, with a hedonistic-ly ridiculous monitor, and the total cost to me was under $350 dollars.

As I was saying to someone yesterday, now I have no expectations whatsoever for Christmas this year, as just staring at my new ninja-like setup at my desk fills me with enough joy to eclipse even the most horrendous of gifts. I've reached a pure nerd-zenlike state.

Merry Christmas indeed, y'all!

Long Form Review - The Golden Compass

(Note: Usually movie reviews are pushed to the sidebar, but my thoughts on this movie filled up way too much of it. Which means it really needs its own entry. Vague and specific spoilers abound.)

The Golden Compass - Short Form: A good movie with above par action and acting, that is limited by its story in a very significant way. Also, armored bears! (RAWR!, etc.)


This movie is an object lesson that shows that the eternal debate on whether movies are better/worse than the books that they're based on is utterly useless. Because this movie is a near perfect retelling of the book (Or more accurately, all of the book but the ending. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.) and it is completely hamstrung as a movie because of that.

I would go so far as to say that it's one of the most faithful adaptation of a book into a movie that I've ever seen. Virtually nothing is changed, good or bad, from exactly how the entire plot is presented in the book. When the book had extended scenes of pure exposition, the movie paused the action to have some old British people yammer on for a while. When the book introduced the mythology of witches out of the utter blue without explanation or reason, so went the movie. When the book freaking rips off the jaw of an armored bear and then snaps its neck... well you see where I'm going with this. (Aside: As soon as I realized that they were following the book so closely, I could not wait for the bear fighting scene. And I was not disappointed. That was awesome.)

What I'm getting at, is that book purists should be theoretically thrilled by the adaptation. With the exception of a copy/replace job on every instance of "Church" with "Authority," very little was excised from the meat of the book. Only the flow of the movie suffers - to save time (not a long movie by any means) they often cut from pivotal scene A to pivotal scene B without resolving how they got from A to B. The director never lets the story down to save on length.

But the problem is, the story doesn't translate overly well into a movie. Yes, the action is extraordinarily well done and thrilling, but the whole story has too much of a measured pace and far too much required backstory to be super effective. The book worked because it had time to set up the idea of daemons and the rules involved, and then to build up the world and the mythology around the alternate timeline. The movie has no such luxury - resorting to condensed character traits in single lines of dialogue, clunky expository speeches in place of long conversations, and bizarre announcements of intent. It all just comes off as awkward.

The worst example of this is the entrance of the witch, who literally seems to serve no purpose to the story whatsoever except to act as a deus ex machina device for the ending. And while it sort of is in the book as well, the witches perform a larger function in the book (keying in on the prophecy - the one thing that was cut from the movie that it really could have used), which makes their use less egregious in book form. In the movie it was akin to having a wizard appear midway through your plot for no other reason than the fact that you'll need some magical reinforcements in about 20 minutes.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good movie, but it could have been much better had they took a cue from other really successful adaptations (e.g. the Lord of the Rings writers) and how they adapted the sources to fit their needs. Because really, the LotR books are a perfect example of an awesome story that would be terrible in movie form.

Follow along: In the book version of Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo's decision to leave his home and go on to Rivendale on his little ring adventure is about 8 months long, both in planning and execution, with liberal stops along the way to meet magical creatures and get eaten by old trees. It would be utterly boring to watch that play out on a screen, despite how nice a travelogue and expository device it was to set you up in the mythology.

So what did the writers do? Cut all the dithering about and made it compelling to watch: race against time to escape dark riders, picking up friends as they go along, taking up maybe a week of total time, most of which is entirely offscreen.

Similarly in the case of The Golden Compass, I think it could have easily been adapted in a similar manner. Take some liberties with the source material to make it flow better. Don't be afraid to cut a scene or two of exposition to make time for other scenes to end naturally before jumping to the next item on the list. Fill in the exposition naturally with reasonable asides in those scenes, and trust the audience not to miss things. Done properly (like in LotR) literary purists won't whine (too much) and your movie benefits by being more cohesive.

Or alternatively - since you planned on pissing off the purists anyways by ending the movie TWO CHAPTERS BEFORE THE END OF THE BOOK, why even care to follow the story so closely?

Seriously, the ending is the best part of the book! (Bear fighting excluded, obviously) You even put the goddamn foreshadowing of the end right there in the movie ("It says I'm bringing him what he needs."). It's like you're trying to purposely enrage people who read the book. Yeah, yeah, no one likes a downer ending in a kids' movie, but guess what? It's not a kids' movie any more than it is a kids' book. Mature themes abound. Stick to your guns or go home.

Grr. Don't mind me. I really did like the movie. I just hate squandered potential.

Pitfalls of Rationalization

Items I want to talk about but are too short for their own entry:

• My office building had to disable the thermostat in my office because it was sending faulty signals to the center of our floor, resulting in +80 degree temperatures in some other offices. So now everywhere else in the building the temperature is perfect, and it's about 60 degrees in my office. This is not my beautiful life.
• Am I the only person in world who finds that new T-Mobile commercial absolutely hilarious? The one where the guy keeps obsessively re-recording his voicemail to a girl he just met? Seriously, I crack up every time I see it. This is the second T-Mobile commercial I've loved. I think something is seriously wrong with me.
• My Christmas drive kicked in at least a week too early this year. I'm totally spent on Christmas, and we're still 12 days out. I blame my awesome Christmas Mix CD, which I busted out the day after Thanksgiving. I'm completely ruined for the holidays now. (I'm almost entirely finished with my shopping though. That's awesome at least.)
• Also, sweet unholy damn, I am in the best mood this week.

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So my computer monitor is in the final stage of its life, like a dying red giant star seconds before collapsing into supernova (Note: Please do not email me to correct my astronomy. I do not care that my science has failed me. Blame the public school system.).

It now takes well over 10 minutes to display anything after turning it on, and takes another 15 minutes after display for the picture to actually settle into a normal viewable image (as opposed to a shaky wavering mess).

Considering the little guy is now over 2 years old and was the cheapest LCD monitor on the planet when I bought him, I think I ended up getting my money's worth. And I mean that literally, it was the cheapest flat screen monitor I could find anywhere. I bet I got a better deal on that thing than I would have if I had bought something out of the back of a guy's van in the bad part of town.

But that's what happens when your brain works like mine: You have a predetermined budget for a new computer. If you get rid of a) a printer, b) a warranty, and c) a remotely decent monitor, you can get yourself a pretty nice actual computer. Granted it's surrounded by empty space and a piece of junk display, but oh the computer itself is fancy.

Anyways. So now I've got to get a new monitor. Which immediately (also only in my brain) means that I need to get a whole new computer. Because really they're a set, right? You can't get one without the other.

Actually, it turns out this is not true. You are able to purchase monitors independently of computers, particularly when your computer is actually still running very well. It just takes a lot of convincing inside my mind. Because seriously, new computers are so shiny nowadays. All dual cores and wild computing power and enough RAM to run every program on my current computer all at one time.

But considering my previous mandate to "never buy anything again" after I got the new car, along with the state of my work industry, which is bouncing back and forth daily between "Bad" and "Job-Threateningly Horrendous," I was able to talk myself down from a new computer purchase. The monitor, however, is a requirement.

The real news, though, is that it turns out that rationalizing myself all the way down from a huge new expensive computer to only buying a monitor allows my conscience to guilt-free upgrade to a decent monitor, AND a reasonable video card to go along with it. In my brain, the saving from not buying a whole new computer offset the upgrade costs.

I never even thought of that as a rationalization exercise. I fear for my wallet now with these new-found powers. But man, am I ever looking forward to my new swank 22" widescreen monitor. It's gonna be sweet.

This Just In - My Soul Crushed. More at 11.

w00t crowned word of the year by dictionary

Massachusetts-based Merriam-Webster Inc. said "w00t" — typically spelled with two zeros — reflects a new direction in the American language led by a generation raised on video games and cell phone text-messaging.

There are no words to express my feelings, you guys.

Wait, that's a lie. I have tons of words. And more importantly, they're actually WORDS. Not a random combination of letters and numbers that some illiterate fool made up. Ugh.

I'm not saying that you can't use the word. In fact, I don't mind the occasional 'woot' in the proper context (the online world). I'm pretty laid back on slang in instant messenger, or in games. Heck even in blogs it's fine (e.g. my liberal and annoying use of "ain't" and "y'all" throughout every entry I've ever posted). The purpose of language is to convey meaning in the clearest way possible. If your audience responds better to something informal and familiar, it's perfectly fine to use.

But Merriam-Webster does not need to be condoning such things, dammit. I don't care if you want publicity. You're dumbing down the actual rules of language for no reason whatsoever.

Merriam-Webster President John Morse said "w00t" reflected the growing use of numeric keyboards to type words. "People look for self-evident numeral-letter substitutions: 0 for O; 3 for E; 7 for T; and 4 for A," he said. "This is simply a different and more efficient way of representing the alphabetical character."

Um hi, Mr. President of Dictionaries? You know what is a more efficient way of representing an alphabetical character than using a number? USING THE ACTUAL CHARACTER.

Look what you just did, you made me write in all caps. I hate caps. Shouting on the Internet is just rude. But I am left with no alternatives. Let's break it down:

woot = four characters
w007 = four characters (that make no sense)

And to top it all off, if you read between the lines of what he's saying, it sounds like he's insinuating that the thing I hate most in the world is becoming acceptable. Namely "4" being the equivalent of "for" and "u" allowable for "you." It will be cold day in hell before I allow this to happen. I will wage war on all the 14 year-olds in the world, by myself if necessary.

Grammar rage, y'all.

God, it's that whole IDK MY BFF JILL? thing all over again.

Epic Movie Blog

Is it really December already? Sheesh, this year went by fast.

Okay, so every year I do a breakdown wherein I arbitrarily rank all the movies I've seen, from worst to best. The rules are really easy: it must have been released in 2007 (either straight to DVD or in theatres), and I have to have seen at least 90% of the movie.

I call it arbitrary because I can look back at my old reviews I did during the year and I've utterly hated on movies that I have under the Really Good category now, and had only good things to say about movies that are in the Dislike pile now. What can I say, I'm a very fickle person.

But man, I just did not watch any movies this year. I blame two things: the fact that I got rid of my Blockbuster pass after they took away half of my movie borrowing power while charging me the same price, and my purchase of a new car which required cutting my entertainment budget wildly, to the tune of 75%. Almost all of which was in movie tickets.

I'd say I'm at about half the number of movies that I usually see, and there's a huge emphasis on movies released the first half of the year. I'm so far behind the pop culture curve it's sad.

With all that said, let's go to the list. As always, we have 5 categories for movies: Hate, Dislike, Meh, Good, and Great.

Movies that I Actively Hate
43. The Invisible (What did we learn? Never go see a movie based solely on the hotness of the lead actor)
42. License to Wed (Office Jim, no! Mandy Moore, noooo!)
41. Spider-Man 3 (From the best superhero movie ever to utter soap opera garbage in one sequel. Impressive.)

Movies that I Only Dislike
40. The Hitcher
39. Gray Matters
38. Shrek the Third

Movies I Don't Dislike But Don't Recommend Either
37. Reno 911!: Miami
36. Because I Said So (Man, really not a good year for Mandy Moore.)
35. The Messengers
34. 300
33. Disturbia
32. The Number 23 (Biggest drop, from feelings just after watching until now.)
31. Beowulf (Needs more time to fester in my mind. Should probably be higher.)

Movies That Were Good
30. Year of the Dog (Biggest jump. This movie really grew on me over time.)
29. Blades of Glory
28. Music and Lyrics (Most bizarre placement. Did I really like this movie that much? Apparently, as I can't in good faith move it down any more.)
27. The Simpsons Movie
26. Hairspray
25. Sydney White (Amanda Bynes, why do you do this to me? Should probably be lower. In fact, I hereby reserve the right to go back and edit this down about 5 places when I come to my senses.)
24. August Rush
23. Black Snake Moan (Cinematography and a hot Christina Ricci count for a lot, apparently.)
22. 1408
21. Dan in Real Life
20. The Golden Compass
19. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
18. Knocked Up
17. Superbad (I assume. I only saw maybe 85% of it, but I laughed uncontrollably throughout what I saw. Hopefully it ended well, otherwise I'll look quite the fool.)
16. Enchanted

Movies That Were Excellent
15. Breach (So this year...)
14. Michael Clayton (I was really into...)
13. The Lookout (quiet character study movies, in a big way.)
12. The Brave One (And also, shooting punks in the face.)
11. Sweeney Todd
10. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
9. Zodiac
8. Lars and the Real Girl (So high, right? I know! It's inexplicable.)
7. Sunshine (Sci-fi and hot guys represent!)
6. Ratatouille
5. Waitress
4. Once
3. Atonement
2. Juno
1. Stardust

Sweet damn, how lopsided is that list? At first glance it looks like a really good year for movies, but far more likely is that I didn't have the luxury of renting a million and one bad movies from Blockbuster to pad out the bottom of the list. And when I did go to the theatre, it was for a movie I was pretty damn sure I would like, as I had to maximize my movie-going dollar.

The ratio will probably only get worse too, as I've come up with my Oscar-bait movie list that I need to see in the last three weeks of the year, and it's chock full of movies that are supposed to be actively amazing. Not that anyone will care, but I'll keep the list updated as the month goes on.

Gosh, where has all my cynicism gone? It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.

Christmas Link o' the Day

God, what a day.

But in lieu of ranting, instead of getting mad we're going to get awesome instead. It's the Christmas Season, dammit.

In that spirit: FlakeOMatic, the easiest way to lose an hour of your life by reliving your gay childhood in arts and crafts.

On Not Stabbing

A short list of reasons why I should receive a medal for my outstanding work in Not Stabbing People Who Deserve It:

• Did not stab the receptionist at the doctor's office who requested I come in for my appointment an hour early "because the doctor is already here," only to make me wait until later than 80 minutes after my scheduled appointment to get in to see him.
• Did not stab the doctor who saw me for 5 minutes, told me there was absolutely no reason to come in to his office (despite prevailing symptoms and other doctor referral), and then still charged me $8 million dollars (an estimate) for his (lack of) help.
• Did not track down and stab the tires of the 18-wheeler who tried (and mostly succeeded) to run me off the highway on the way back to my office, because the concept of looking to see if there is someone in the left hand lane next to him, or even goddamn signaling, was entirely beneath him.
• Did not stab a client through the phone after he got mad and bad-mouthed me to my boss for not acquiescing to his demand that I commit mortgage fraud for him.
• Did not stab the workers who dragged me across town, out of a meeting, to go unlock a door for them, only to call me back 30 minutes later, the second I made it back to my office, because they had locked themselves out again.
• Did not stab the Best Buy employee who adopted the most smug, condescending, assholish tone I have possibly ever heard when I asked him if they had a game in stock that he was unfamiliar with.
  
  "Oh, I think you're thinking of another game on a different system. This "game" you're talking about doesn't exist." (fucking air quotes his, btw)
  
  No, seriously, if you're going to be that condescending (protip: you should never be that condescending, unless you like getting stabbed) you had better know what the hell you're talking about. This game is real. It's not the same thing as what's included in this game. Please kindly go die in a fire. (Note: Remember, did not stab.)

For reals, I think I should totally get a medal. That takes some serious discipline.

The Catch Up-ening Part Screw It

You know what? I have no desire to recap the last three weeks of my life, and you most certainly don't care about it enough to read it. So we're doing a 10 second wrap up instead. Hold on to your hats:

• Doctor (lame)
• Work (boring)
• Thanksgiving (pie)

There. You missed absolutely nothing, save a very detailed explanation of how I managed to defy physics by eating three whole pies, 3 lbs of turkey, and an entire dish of stuffing (quite literally all by myself) in under three days, and still managed to lose a pound of weight by the end of the holiday weekend. I'm sure we're all glad that we dodged that bullet.

We now return to our regularly scheduled intermittent posting.

The Catch Up-ening - Part One

So I got older this month.

I tend to stretch my Birthday Celebration into something more like Birthweek Celebration, or similar. Basically I allow myself a full 7 days to revel in my advancing age, not content to contain my fun to a single 24 hour period. This has many advantages (more fun, less tight planning, more rationalization for slacking off), and since I don't usually go in for an actual party (who wants to go through the hassle of hosting a party on their birthday?) it's good fun for everyone.

This year we did a late birthday week, as my birthday was on a Monday and the following weekend was SMU Homecoming. Eschewing the petty details (like the actual date) I celebrated nothing on Monday, and started up the partying on Thursday (the night of the aforeblogged Regina concert).

We did that first night after the concert out at what I call The Cougar Bar, which we seem to keep going to despite how horrifying the patrons tend to be. An excerpt from that night:

Jim: It is not cold here, I know what cold is like.
Devon: You are crazy, it is freezing out here!
[A cop car pulls up]
Devon: And what's with the po-lice?
[Walking nearby, a drunken barfly spots the squad car and "nonchalantly" wanders over to us]
Drunken Guy: Hey guys, I'm [name forgotten]. I'm gonna sit here with you guys for a while, you seem like some nice guys to hang out with, guys. [Eyes flick to the cops]
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [Awkward Silence]
Drunken Guy: [Puts his arm around Jim] So what are you guys up to?
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [More Awkward Silence]
Drunken Guy: [Looks over at Jim] What's your name, guy?
Jim: [Awkwardly] Jim.
Drunken Guy: Heeey, Jim. I'm [name forgotten].
Jim: Yeah, you already said that.
[More awkward silence, for several minutes, until the police car finally rolls away. Almost immediately after, a bartender comes out.]
Bartender: Okay man, time to go, they're gone now. Get some rest.
Drunken Guy: But-but-but, I'm just hanging with my new friends...
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [Raised eyebrows, concerned/horrified looks all around]
Bartender: Yeah, uh-huh. Go on, now.
Drunken Guy: Well it was nice to meet you, Jim.
[He wanders off, weaving across the busy street. Theoretically to go home, but we actually see him sneak into the bar next door minutes later]
Jason: Well, now that some random guy has hit on Jim, we can properly move on with the night.

It was a nice quietly paced night after that. Primarily because I had to be at the office at 8:00am the next morning for a closing, and I don't do mornings hungover very well.

Friday saw a morning of work, an afternoon of delicious food, and a two hour happy hour at the local sports bar involving only one beer, but a very large cookie with ice cream instead. Later that night we hit an independent movie (see sidebar) and learned (well, confirmed) that the idea of a bar in the movie theatre is possibly the best use of modernization this century.

Saturday was the SMU Homecoming, both the game and tailgating Boulevarding. Because there's nothing wrong with starting drinking at 11:00am, provided you are on a rich campus, and it's birthday week. The Engineering School managed to finally pay dividends for me, when I scored some delicious free lunch, free beer, and free tickets to the game. That is, after we were finally able to track down everyone in our motley crew, as united we are invincible, while divided we're just kinda sad.

After a quick tour of the strip, where we visited many old friends and mortal enemies alike, I scored a foldable frisbee (which will be perfect for winging at Frank for years to come) and we moved on to the game. We stayed for two quarters (with the exception of Frank, who lit out from the Boulevard the second we mentioned the game, like they were housing Ebola in the stadium) and then abandoned the Mustangs to their eventual last second loss the second halftime was over. I went off to nap and run as many errands as possible before our planned night of debauchery.

Said planned night of debauchery got off to a very slow start when the piano bar we attempted to visit had a line down the block (damn all the homecomings!). Instead we went down near The Cougar Bar again, this time to a place which served delicious hurricanes, and contained the most cliched band on the planet.

Recipe: Take one part Bono imitator, dark sunglasses while indoors, and ironic Ramones t-shirt. Age for 10 long years. Add one elderly bass guitarist, mix well with black pleather pants until sufficiently horrified. Lightly sprinkle with out-of-place younger guitarist and season with really loud drumming to taste. Serve with as much alcohol as you can stand.

I was able to get drunk on approximately three drinks, because I am malnourished to the point of waif status. We made a quick stop at a local Irish pub so that I could have my traditional Southern Comfort drink to end the night and Devon and Jim could question their reasoning skills on letting me drink in public.

I don't remember Sunday, but I assume nothing too important happened that day, other than the viewing of football and the liberal consumption of chicken fried steak. (You have to wind down the birthday week. That's why you get multiple days.) And just like that, Jim headed back to parts north, and we returned to non-birthday status. Woe.

But it was definitely a solid birthday weekend, and I firmly endorse the concept of applying such an extension to everyone else. Take your time, enjoy yourself. It only happens once a year.

The Most Terrifying Thing in the World

Lo, gaze upon it and despair:



Seriously, what the hell? If I break out into a single song from Dirty Dancing, you're legally allowed to punch me in the face.

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Also, that title is a lie. I was trying to protect you. The Real Most Terrifying Thing is where I morph into a Gilmore Girl. But even I have limits to what I will inflict on the general public.

Edit: No, it turns out that I don't. Behold, truly, The Most Terrifying Thing There Ever Was Or Will Be:



Now see if you'll sleep at night ever again. (I know I won't.)

Fangirling Of the Highest Order

Thursday night Jim and I went to see Regina Spektor at the House of Blues. It was a most excellent show, and my unending love for her continues utterly unabated. (Alliteration woo!)

Below the cut is the full recap, which is probably monumentally boring and will contain an overuse of exclamation points that would make my normal grammar-conscious self wince forever. But Regina is granted an exception.

Short form: Regina = Love.

Click below for the total recounting


(Note: So almost a year ago to the day, Regina played at the Gypsy Tea Room. I went back and dug up my old post on the subject, and it's surprising how well I conveyed my feelings on that night. It literally was the best concert I've ever been to. This one was not as great as that one, but it was still damn good. Anyways. )

The concert was at 7:30 at The House of Blues. Not only did we manage to make it down to the West End in time to get dinner, we made it into the theatre before Only Son (the opening band) started up. (Although there was a slight delay when one of the security guards tried to kill Jim, by zapping his cyborg heart.) After navigating past the rogue agent (without Jim punching anyone, which was nice of him) we had a pretty nice vantage spot to see the whole show, by luck picking the right side of the stage to see Regina while she was on the piano. And we didn't even have to push anyone to get it.

Only Son was alright, with almost the exact same set and spiel as last year, practically verbatim. There was a new little bit where he had a prerecorded conversation with his iPod (who needs a band to back you up when you have an iPod? Not this guy, that's for sure), which bordered on horrifyingly twee, but still managed to land on the side of cute and quirky. Barely.

He raced through his set and then we only had to wait for Regina about 15 minutes.

Things that were strange and/or annoying about her show:
- The guy who brought his 5 year old child to the show, and proceeded to push as far forward as possible with her up on his shoulders. Not that Regina isn't awesome, but she's not exactly child appropriate. Luckily they bolted within a couple of songs.
- The two giant girls who pressed up into the crowd to reach their "friends," only to stop when they got directly in between Jim and myself and said "Oh well." And then just stood there. It was bizarre and sort of angering, especially since I couldn't move to stand by Jim without placing myself immediately behind some 6'5" behemoth. Concert courtesy, people! Where has it gone?(although better news on that later.)
- The fact that the HOB kept kicking the air conditioning off and on throughout the whole show. We were packed in there tight, you'd think they would go ahead and just keep the cooling coming. A sweaty crowd is no one's friend.

Things that were good:
- The crowd, which was very well-behaved for a concert-going crowd. Almost literally silent while Regina was playing the quiet stuff, except for the singing along to the popular songs. And even then, there was none of that horribly loud obnoxious sing-along that I could hear. Plus, no excessively annoying "Woo!"-ing in the middle of songs, which is my #1 pet peeve at concerts. I mean, there was some, but nothing too egregious. Even the shouted declarations of love and marriage proposals during the song breaks seemed more sweet and less intrusive than usual.
- Our immediate neighbors in the crowd (excepting the two large interlopers above) who were all very fun and sympathetic, particularly the tiny girl who stood next to me and commiserated over the couple standing nearby who were making out almost constantly throughout the show.
- The venue itself, which while less personal than the Gypsy Tea Room, gave: excellent lighting throughout, very good sound, more airy space, and easy access to the bar from the stage.

Things that were excellent:
Regina (obviously), who was as usual ridiculously cute and chock full of talent (although a little quieter than usual in terms of crowd participation. It was a clock-work like show, very little patter between songs).
Set list and comments to follow:

1. Ain't No Cover
2. On the Radio (an excellent rendition, not too fast or slow)
3. Sailor Song
4. Baby Jesus (one of my favorite songs, and better than any version I have currently. More enunciated than usual, and just so cute and quirky)
5. One More Time With Feeling (which I only had one (sort of bad) recording of, and which is an amazing song. Anyone who has a clear recording of this one needs to get in touch with me asap)
6. Music Box (memo to Large Girl #1: you are not allowed to call yourself a "Huge Regina Spektor fan" if you announce during this song "Hey, isn't this from that commercial?!" Unless you were meaning Huge in a sheer volume sort of way. In which case: Totally.)
7. Flowers
8. Better (sweet damn, seriously, I'm not sure words can express how much I love this song.)
9. Bobbing For Apples (this is the reason why 5 year-olds should not be at a Spektor concert, see video below)
10. That Time (on the guitar! Very impressive, as last year she didn't really seem all that confident on it)
11. Après Moi (that Russian bit in middle is always shockingly good live. She gets some serious emotion going on in this one.)
12. Blue Lips (!!! Seriously! I love this song, and never in a million years thought I would ever see it live. Amazing!)
13. Summer in the City (A battle for my favorite song (with Better) and this one may actually win out. The lighting on this one was particularly good, and it's at least 50 times better live than on the album. I'm pretty sure it was also right around here that Jim gave me the 'Jason's Crazy' look, as I still had yet to wipe the goddamn goofy grin off my face since the concert had started.)
14. A Lesson in How Fleeting Preservation Is (it seems like a strange song for a concert, as it's kinda obscure and sort of just abruptly ends, but still cool. I mentioned earlier about her emotion - on a lot of these non-Begin to Hope songs she really brought her A-game. This and Once More With Feeling, in particular. When Regina is feeling a song, people best watch out. You get chills.)
15. Ghost of Corporate Future ("Especially Fox!" I assume it's a standard line now, but man it cracked me up)
16. Real Love (as usual, amazing)

Encore
17. Us (While usually one of my favorites, I was not feeling this one at all that night)
18. Uh-merica (!!! Audience participation! I almost died, it was so cute.)
19. Fidelity
20. Hotel Song (w/ Only Son) (Probably the highlight of the entire show, and redeemed the boy entirely for me, as it was so cute and hilarious. I really like it when it seems like the performers are enjoying themselves, and they looked like they were having a ball.)
21. Field Below
22. Samson

And to top it all off, it was incredibly easy to get out afterwards, and over to Greenville for a quick night of light drinks and catching up with old friends.

As usual, Regina is the best thing ever!

Need visual proof?



(end fangirling)

Charity Man, Charity Man

In continuing the theme of charity and goodwill I've got going with the rice and my lack of vocabulary - y'all know I'm big on the Donors Choose, right? It's totally the best charity, because you get to pick out individual things to fund - right down to the classroom if you'd like. You know exactly where your contributions go and they're directly felt.

In just this past year I've been able to help autistic kids get context recognizing computer equipment AND send a busload of kids to the aquarium to see a real live shark. That's a pretty awesome non-profit, if I do say so myself.

And anyways, since I need a whole lot of good karma to survive, building it up by funding individual school projects seems like as good a method as any.

All of that to say that the last project I picked for funding - Clay and Origami for Inner City Dallas Kids is still $115 dollars short, and the timeline is already half over. So if you have some spare cash, you should look towards helping small children learn how to fold cool animals and/or shape them out of clay.

Because all kids should know how to fold things, and you know you could use the extra karma.

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I swear I'll get back to longwinded stories about injuring myself soon enough. (Also a recap of a crazy homecoming weekend, which saw me out in the world, doing real things. Crazy!)

Rice Vs. Vocabulary

Have you heard about Free Rice?

It's an online vocabulary game that donates 10 grains of rice to the WFP for every word that you correctly identify the definition of. It's pretty cool, in that you can do something good for the world (in a completely non-participatory way), and I really like that it strengthens the correlation between literacy and societal awareness.

But mostly, omigosh, I am obsessed with getting my Vocabulary Level up. Because I like to think of myself as pretty well-read, but I'll be damned if I can't get past level 45. It is destroying my way of life, and I swear this site is trying to make up words. I mean: "Nonesuch?" Isn't that the fake thing from Huckleberry Finn that they used to scam that one town? Or did I recently suffer a stroke?

Still, you should go play. Vocabulary is awesome. And won't you think of the children?

(But also, when you're thinking of the children try not to think of all the grains of rice that you are potentially depriving them of when you miss a word. Especially the easy ones. It will just make you sad.)

Equal Opportunity for Nephews

If we're gonna make this an old man blog, we might as well go all the way.

(Jason with Eli, the rockin' nephew)

Obligatory self-deprecation: Good Lord, could my jaw be any more massive? And you may want to wear shades, lest my pasty skin blind you.

But dang, isn't that a cute kid?

In Which I Triumph Over Double Cheeseburgers and Technology

Yearly Blood Test - Completed
# of Previous Diseases - 0
# of New Diseases - 0
Previous Cholesterol Score - 310
New Cholesterol Score - 162!

If there was a show call Biggest Cholesterol Loser, I would totally be winning right now.

So can I finally go back to eating McDonalds twice a week?
What do you mean I have to continue the diet to keep the cholesterol where it is?!

Y'all, I am so tired of fat-free milk and no red meat, you have no idea.

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I swore to myself that I wouldn't turn this into an old man blog. But I love this picture with reckless abandon:

(Jason and Julia, the tiniest niece in the world)

Does it worry anyone else that my cheekbone juts out enough in that picture that it looks like I might have a tumor? Or that my skin is so oily you can almost see the reflection of the camera in my pores?

Just me? Okay.

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So, as I alluded to in my last entry, I got home this weekend and decided to rearrange my room.

Or to be way more long-winded about it (naturally), I got home and found the wireless Internet to be in complete disarray. After my normal tinkering did a whole lot of nothing, I decided to finally break down and spring for a new router and wireless card. Preferably ones that were made after the year 2000, in opposition to the coconut-radio/squirrel-powered system I had running right then.

At Best Buy, I was told by the (bastard) helpful salesman that the new router he handed me would not only be faster and have a longer range, it would totally be plug-and-play with our current system, as it was the same brand, just an upgraded model.

Yeah - that was a (fucking) lie of the highest order. I'm not even remotely kidding. The two systems were so far apart that just booting up the new router to accept signals meant rigging up an elaborate system of hardwired Ethernet cords that stretched the length of the house, setting up about four different trip-wire type booby traps at various doorways. And that installing the controlling drivers for the card and router somehow disabled my DVD drive.

And that once I got that fixed, and the router was up and running, it turned out that "backwards compatible" didn't so much mean that it would work with older standards of wireless. Instead it meant that you could configure the router to run the old standard or the new standard. Not both. So since I had a new wireless card and Frank had an old one, only one of us would be getting to use the Internet at any given time.

And on top of that, my "faster, wider-range connection" was actually running at 35% of the strength of my old coconut/squirrel connection. Plus, did I mention that for the router to set up a wireless connection with a computer, the computer had to first be physically connected to the router? Is that not the most insane thing you've ever heard?

But whatever. After, literally, 4 hours of brute force hacking away at the network, rather than A) go all Sophie's Choice between Frank's and my Internet, or B) destroy the new non-working devices with an axe (my favorite option), we decide for secret option C) take back the $200+ system and go buy a $30 length of Ethernet cable and just hardwire both of our rooms to the Internet.

This process took all of 5 minutes to set up, used the old reliable router, and the only drawback was one long cord that ran the length of the living room and hallway, along the wall. I will take the decorating hit to save my sanity. And new direct connections mean delicious Internet with absolutely no waiting, signal loss, or devious neighbors sucking my bandwidth dry like hungry mosquitoes at a 4th of July picnic.

Anyways, the result of this (horrifyingly boring) story is that running the line into my bedroom was much easier if my desk was on the opposite wall from my normal room configuration. And being the obliging person that I am (along with my deep-seated compulsion to rearrange furniture all the time - thanks dad!) I did a full reorg of the room.

I think the result is an even better layout than the original one, and I loved the original. It makes the room look bigger and draws your eye immediately to my fancy bookshelf, rather than my unmade bed like before. Plus this time there's no awkward wasted section of the room - one that I had previously filled with a single trash can and an unplugged standing lamp.

The only downside to the new setup comes in my morning routine. Before, I used to roll out of bed to my left, hit the alarm, and then walk to the shower, all in one fluid motion. Now I have to hit the alarm first, and then roll out to the right, and walk around the bed to the shower. Because if I forget and do it the old way, I get a facefull of wall. And I apparently roll out of bed really forcefully.

Because, OW.

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Behold all my triumphs and despair, you's guys.

Stupid Things I Did On My Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me!

• Forgot that I rearranged my room last night and as a result ran into a wall headfirst as I climbed out of bed
• Sliced open three parallel gashes on my left index finger while shaving with my new 5-bladed vibrating razor of death
• Got caught lip synching to The 88 on the elevator going into the office
• Dropped an entire carton of legal sized bond paper on my foot from a height of 7 feet
• Sliced open a single huge gash in the palm of my left hand while handling the heavy cardstock (the ultimate paper cut)
• Almost missed my chair when sitting down while simultaneously answering the phone, and in the process hit myself in the face with the phone handset
• Got caught lip synching to The Hush Sound on the elevator going to lunch
• Poked myself in the eye with a rogue paperclip
• Almost ran over a small child riding his scooter in the middle of my apartment complex
• Ate a gigantic spoonful of rainbow chip frosting by itself, suffering through the resulting sugar high
• Somehow strained my back while sleeping off the further-resulting sugar crash

Woo, getting older!

The Worst Conversation to Start a Friday On

Receptionist: So, got any big plans for this weekend?

Jason: Nothing too special - going out to dinner with my family on Saturday; it's my birthday this Monday.

Receptionist: Really?! How old will you be? Wait, don't tell me, I'm really good at guessing.

[She eyes Jason up and down carefully.]

Receptionist: 32!

Jason: Uh, 26 actually.

Receptionist: Ohhh... Well, I probably estimated high because... you seem so mature.

[Jason nods, with a tight smile.]

Jason: Of course.

Fin

Marketing Shill

It's been a while since I did one on those weird posts where I go on and on about things I'm currently addicted to, right? I feel like doing one today.

Current Musical Obsession: The Hush Sound - Like Vines

Y'all, I have no explanation for my love of this CD. Normally my music reviews are unintelligible as a rule, but this time I don't even have a genre to reference. It's definitely not rock, it's doesn't even really feel like traditional pop. Maybe pop-rock, but even lighter, or punk-pop with a softer edge.

Frankly, the closest thing I can think of is a cross between Ben Folds and the Dresden Dolls, only totally different.

Whatever, why do I even try? It's a great CD, super short (like 35 minutes) and I have listened to it approximately 25 times in the last week.

Current Video Game Obsession - Picross DS

Take a square grid - 10x10, 15x15, or 20x20 - and delimit along the edge of each row and column of the grid the order and length of its filled-in squares. When you have followed those rules for every row and column, a picture will be formed.

Everyone has played Picross before, right?

This game combines everything great about that game, only it's easier than ever because you can use the stylus pen to fill in all the information, and there are tons and tons of themes for how each grid is filled in. Also, the game is only $20 and has so many puzzles that I've been working through them every day for more than two months and still haven't finished them all.

Easily the most game for my money since I bought that used copy of Smash Brothers for the Gamecube like 5 years ago.

Current TV Obsession(s), Ranked in Increasing Order of Enthusiasm

• How I Met Your Mother - My fervor continues unabated
• Pushing Daisies - Yeah, we've gone over it, but also add on They Might Be Giants to that list of my button-pushing issues. God, I love this show.
• Ugly Betty - Still good but mostly forgettable. Except! Gay dating so cute that I grew reflexively bitter just watching it, considering my current travails. Still, so nice, and organic, and *swoon*.
• Dirty Sexy Money - Donald Sutherland gave the best line reading I've ever heard in my entire life this week, and the only thing he said was "Justin Timberlake?" You had better be watching this show. (Oh, and did I mention that the resident heartthrob on show sang a drunken karaoke version of All By Myself, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer-briefs, while standing on the Brooklyn Bridge? Because he did.)
• The Office - Absolutely the best returning show this fall. Less painfully awkward than we've come to expect, and I think it's better for it. Also, I think I have a literal emotional investment in the Jim/Pam relationship. That's not healthy, y'all.

Current Personal Obsession - Turning 26

Twenty-six, you guys. Otherwise known as The Downslope to Thirty. The depression, it is like a deep, deep well. You've got a little over nine days to prepare yourselves for birthday week, when I will more than likely offer up my very own rendition of the above-mentioned scene from Dirty Sexy Money - better than half naked, smashed, and belting out All By Myself to a crowd mostly unconcerned well-wishers. Although probably not on the Brooklyn Bridge.

How I Met Paranoia

Okay, so I'll assume everyone watched How I Met Your Mother last night, because why wouldn't you? I mean, it's awesome.

So since you watched it, you know that the show has officially hit its hilarious stride again after floundering for a couple episodes to start the third season. This was the fifth episode of the year, titled How I Met Everyone Else, wherein Ted recounts to a new girlfriend the various ways he was introduced to the whole gang.

This functions as a wonderful plot device, and has the side effect of letting us see college Ted with the crazy hair and decorative spectacles, an image that never fails to crack me up. But the biggest laughs of the night come from Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, which is the device he uses to determine the date-ability of girls, wherein a potential mate must have a hotness to crazy ratio of at least 1:1 to fall in the datable realm.

Which is funny, right? I mean, I should know - seeing as I wrote that exact post, 3 years ago! (Which has since been spammed to hell and back, btw.) Granted mine did not have a fancy air-drawn graph, or the hottness of Neil Patrick Harris doing the explaining. But the math is right there! I even provided (provode? provided.) examples! (See show? I can steal jokes too.)

Dammit, TV! Quit digging through my life for your plotlines!


(And yes, I'm aware that now I look completely crazy, as this is two consecutive posts detailing how the magic box in my living room is stealing my ideas and presenting them as its own. Just leave me to my rantings.)

Self Involvement at Its Peak

Do you ever get the feeling your whole life is a small part of a gigantic Truman Show-like experiment? Plenty of people have told me they get these notions, when it seems like life is catering to their needs seemingly more so than would an unforgiving natural world. In simpler, less-media soaked times I would assume people would chalk it up to religion, fate, karma, or whatever.

Usually I don't get these feelings, primarily because my life is boring almost all of the time, and if there was a show based around me, it would have been cancelled ages ago.

That said, I think there's a 70% chance that the new television show Pushing Daisies was created specifically with me in mind. As in, someone sat down and polled my friends, read my blog, tracked down my myspace, and then secretly observed me from the nearby bushes for several days until they had a nice long list of things that appeal to me. Then they took said list and combined all the items in such a way as to make me entirely unable to look away from an utterly ridiculous show about a man who brings people back from the dead (but only for 60 seconds).

Don't believe me? Take a look at a list of major and minor plot points from just the first three episodes:

• Cute boy with an unrelentingly amazing smile (my one true weakness)
• Tons of Pie (no wait, that's my one true weakness)
• Small, dark-haired, earnestly-optimistic-pretty girl (we've gone over my issues with the whole Regina Spektor, Zooey Deschanel, Mary-Louise Parker thing, right?)
• Difficulties with physical closeness
• Accents
• Musicals (particularly featuring Wicked and/or Olivia Newton-John)
• Cheeses
• Beaver themed t-shirts
• (Also, the term "Beaver Boy" used in the non-entendre way that is usually reserved for myself)
• Appallingly sappy love stories
• Big-time vocabulary words and resulting wordplay and puns (The Pie Hole. Seriously.)
• Eating disorders

Okay, I'll give you the fact that many of these things are pretty universally loved (or experienced), on their own. But all taken together at once? Unlikely. Many a gay boy may love his musicals, cute guys, and love stories, but would he also like beavers and big vocabularies? A gourmand who is a nature lover might adore pie, cheese, and have an affinity for beavers and other aquatic mammals, but probably wouldn't be a big musical fan.

What I'm saying is that if it's not directly aimed at me, it's targeting a very, very tiny slice of a demographic that I happen to reside in.

I do take comfort in the fact that there are some quirks to the show which are not directly tailored to me, which gives hope to my non-paranoid side. There is a feature of knitting, which does not apply to me (I can only crochet), and there is the bit with the one-eyed mermaid aunts (so far as I know, I have no relatives in the side-show industry, disfigured or otherwise. I did have that stint as a carny, but I don't think that counts).

Anyways, mostly what this boils down to is that I love this show so much that it hurts. It almost feels like narcissism - loving this show is like loving a part of myself - but without most of the gross connotations that usually brings up.

So that means that all y'all should watch it. Because you're entertained by me, right? Therefore it stands to reason that the show will also entertain you. Although you may go into a diabetic coma from the resulting sweetness. (That's the other thing that doesn't really fit - I'm waaay more jaded than this show. But it's still early. I was once idealistic too. Give it until sweeps to get dark.)

Oh, and also if any future episodes center around badminton, I'm officially going to sue. I'm pretty sure they've got one of those disclaimers that runs during the credits about any similarities to people living or dead being purely coincidental, but one more match and I bet I could convince a panel of 12 people that I'm not that crazy.

My Kingdom for a Hot Spring and a Question

The hot water main that runs directly below my building in my apartment complex exploded sometime early in the morning yesterday. As my HOA association/maintenance regulators are apparently some type of sloth/human hybrids, they did not get around to calling public works on this matter until about 4:00 that afternoon. Which meant that my condo has been without hot water for just over 29 hours as of this writing.

Do you know how many vital parts of my life are dependent on hot water? Way more than I ever stopped to consider. No hot water means: no shaving without ridiculous pain. No shower that I could make it through without shattering all my teeth from the constant chattering. Only the Cold/Cold option available on the washer, even when I'm doing my white t-shirts that really benefit from a hot cycle. No using my neti pot to clear up my horrifying sinuses. (Which, btw, I've somehow become entirely dependent on, if the utterly clogged nature of my nose today is any indication. Oh, and the crippling pain from the sinus headache. As soon as I try and be nice and do something helpful for my body, it immediately becomes wickedly lazy and refuses to do that job anymore. My body is stupid and teenager-ish.)

If I get home tonight and I don't have the ability to take a long, hot, luxurious, and super-girly shower, I'm going to go on a rampage unlike midtown Dallas has ever seen. You'd best not come between me and my exfoliation routine. My skin is a trainwreck as is. I'll end you just as soon as look at you.

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A Question of Etiquette:

Say you're in a public bathroom at a urinal and someone in a nearby stall answers their cell phone, starting up a business call. While they're... well you know.

Is it rude to just haul off and flush when you're finished with your task? I mean, it's not like it's your fault that some fool has the manners of a wild dingo. But at the same time, do you need to bust him so hard like that, dropping a gigantic "He's on the can!" anvil in the middle of his conversation? Or if it's a just a real quick Q&A call that isn't going to last more than 30 seconds? And what if it's a really important call and the caller gets offended that it's being conducted in a not-fully-sanitized location? It's not like an unflushed urinal is going to be that much of a hassle to anyone, right?

But on the other hand, common decency means not answering your phone at that particular moment, no?

I had a 25 second crisis of conscience on this exact subject earlier today. I know what I did, but I really wonder what the proper response should have been.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Paring Down, for the Good of Mankind (and Your Brain)

I have gone out into the TV fields, striking down those that disappoint, and nurturing those with promise. Behold the results of the culling! May you delight in the good, join in lament of the fallen, and laugh bitterly at how much I hate Grey's Anatomy now.

Monday!

What to Watch:

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS 7:00-7:30) - Okay, so this season is going pretty bad so far. It has had its really good moments, but overall the cast isn't quite gelling, and the storylines are way to rushed for a 30 minute block. But stick with it people! It took 6 episodes for Season 2 to get going. Don't worry, there are plenty of good individual lines to keep your faith up. (Confidential to the show: Stop sucking! I told these guys you were cool!)
• Heroes (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Wow, so the sophomore slump is hitting, and hard. I'm still compelled to watch, but seriously, they need to kick the show back into gear and hard. There was enough repetition in those first three episodes that it realistically was only about 1.5. Also, damn y'all need to work on your green screen scenes. Those were '80s level painful.

Notes from the discarded:

• Journeyman (NBC 9:00-10:00) - Completely unable to keep my attention. Tried and failed hard.
• Chuck (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Really not bad at all. Actually funny, and is getting better as the characters are fleshed out. But looking at it realistically, I'm not going to be able to keep up, unless How I Met Your Mother becomes irredeemably bad (Note: This cannot happen. I refuse to consider it.). Maybe I can catch up when things hit reruns? For now, though, it's a sad farewell to cute, cute, ever so cute geeks. And Adam Baldwin.
• Samantha Who? (ABC 8:30-9:00) - Seriously, I'm not even sure this show ever even came on. Heroes ruined any chance it ever had.

Tuesday!

What to watch:

• Uhh, yeah, nothing here. Scary.

Notes from the discarded:

• Biggest Loser (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Still watching, sort of, but not religiously, as they seem to view filler as the primary ingredient of a show, rather than, y'know, things actually happening. Still totally have a crush on the Black Team Trainer, though. She's amazing.
• Reaper (CW 8:00-9:00) - I... dunno. It's not bad, but that second episode did nothing to earn additional affection after the pilot, and the sidekick guy's antics got old so fast I almost got whiplash. Maybe it will take time to develop. I'll probably give it a couple more shots if I have nothing else to do, but it's not appointment viewing.

Wednesday!

What to Watch:

• Pushing Daisies (ABC 7:00-8:00) - It started late, so we still only have the pilot to go by, but seriously. Just so good. The dialogue! It lives right here, in my heart. The sweetness might be a bit much over time, but like I've ever let sweetness ruin anything for me.
• Dirty Sexy Money (ABC 9:00-10:00) - Oh sweet damn. Came out of nowhere, and is literally my favorite new show of the season so far. Donald Sutherland is incredible and the plot gets the perfect mixture of comedy and drama. Heavy emphasis on the comedy. Some seriously unexpected hilarious timing in this cast. There are some flaws, but by far the most promising entry out there.

Notes from the discarded:

• Private Practice (ABC 8:00-9:00) - The pilot was lame, but made me cry like a little girl. The second episode was painful but better at working with the characters. Then I realised that I couldn't care less about this show and there were tons of other things I'd rather be doing that watching it. That's a bad sign, y'all.
• America's Next Top Model (CW 7:00-8:00) - Still watching, but during rerun times, as it conflicts with Pushing Daisies. It looks like it could be a good cycle. Makeovers are soon!
• Gossip Girl (CW 8:00-9:00) - This is what you should be watching instead of Private Practice. Hilarious and awesome in just that trashy way we were hoping for. But the ratings have been so bad I refuse to get sucked in just to have it pulled out from under me. Damn you Shonda Rhimes! Is there no end to the things you will ruin? (see: Thursday)

Thursday!

What to Watch:

• Ugly Betty (ABC 7:00-8:00) - YES! Finally a returning show that came back strong and is actively getting better. Sooo good.
• The Office (NBC 8:00-8:30) - Oh man. Everything I could have hoped for. Although the hour long format is way too much. It's a much better show at 30 minutes - tighter, more focused, less prone to overkill. But still absolutely hilarious throughout every episode so far. Plus, the Jim/Pam thing was almost enough to kill me dead. I love them so much.

Notes from the discarded:

• Grey's Anatomy (ABC 8:00-9:00) - George: "I love you too." Aaaaand I'm out! (No wait, I have more: Couldn't have done a better job of sabotaging every appealing character on the show, except maybe to have Bailey kill a puppy on air. Seriously: HATE)
• Survivor: China (CBS 7:00-8:00) - Not a bad start at all, but I'm waiting for the real hook, and it just can't compete with Ugly Betty right now. I'll still stay in the loop, though. Mildly compelling stuff. Plus: a tiny competitor named Frosti, and a gay Mormon flight attendant? Talk about your inspired casting.

Friday!

What to Watch:

• Friday Night Lights (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Sweet unholy damn. That had best not be representative of the rest of this season. I can't handle this level of disappointment. Between this and How I Met Your Mother, I feel like all of last season was just a lie! *Deep Breath* Give it time, give it time.
• Women's Murder Club (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Still hasn't aired yet, but the FNL showing has opened the door wide for this show to jump right in. Yikes.

Sunday!

What to Watch:

• Yeah, I lied, I haven't watched a second of TV on Sunday except for football during the day, and I've yet to miss any of it.

Y'all? That is only three and a half hours of shows that are actually good right now (Ugly Betty, Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, The Office). What the hell happened to TV? I suppose it's for the best, anyways. I've heard the outdoors are really in right now.

Returning to Form

Aw y'all. I neglect because I love. Or something like that.

Anyways, back into the groove. Housekeeping notes to get going:

• I'm an uncle! Okay, so technically I was already an uncle as of 4 months ago, but I am again. My sister had a tiny baby girl, who is very cute and has the best name, and who I hope to see in person very soon, as I missed out due to a protracted bout of illness going into this weekend. Woo, family!
• The weekend before that I managed to use my uncling skills for two whole days watching the aforementioned 4 month old nephew out in East Texas. The fact that the two of us are both still alive is a wonderful testament to the resiliency of the boy, and my blind and total luck. Also, he's a ridiculously cute child. Finally, our family genes kicking in where it counts: in adorableness!
• The ultra sickness that I had for approximately 42 hours at the end of last week had better count as the one illness that I always get come each Fall. Because if it was just a preview, I will be most displeased. I don't think I can take much more of that.
• I survived OU/Texas weekend relatively unscathed, and in the process completed my first night staying out until dawn in at least 14 months. Which, while really fun, helped me realize that even though I am not incredibly old physically, I have a seriously old mentality. Which I think I'm okay with, all things considered.
• I have a new and unwavering obsession with finally finishing up my apartment outfitting, after 4 months of relative complacency. Primarily, I'm desperate to find curtains for the living room. And lampshades to match. I have no idea where this domestic urge has come from, but it is so strong I can feel it in my bones.

And that's about that. More stories and actual full entries to come. Also, stay tuned for a new TV update very shortly, as I think I'm finally ready to lock in to a realistic viewing schedule based on the first two weeks of the new fall season.

Woo, it's nice to be back.

Comfort Update + Get Psyched, Yo

A quick note, because I'm sure you were all worried - Holy shit, y'all, the pillow situation is sorted out, and it's awesome. Back problems are gone, and I'm getting some serious amounts of sleep. Enough so that I managed to hit my alarm at least twice this morning and go back to sleep without ever consciously waking up. Sure I was colossally late for work, but sweet damn am I ever refreshed. Vive la memory foam!

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Today, we will take our important lesson of the day from How I Met Your Mother (as you should everyday).

"He's always sad these days. He should be like me. Whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story. "
- Barney

You heard the man. Been feeling sad lately? Stop it and be awesome instead! And what's a better way to feel awesome than a truly spectacular Get Psyched Mix CD? Nothing, that's what!

Jason's Get Psyched Mix, Vol. 1

1. New Shoes - Paolo Nutini (to start off happy, but not too excited)
2. Add Your Light to Mine - Lucky Soul (okay, now we're happy AND excited)
3. Shake Me (vocal mix) - Mint Royale (AND now we're grooving)
4. Inaction - We Are Scientists (from grooving to rocking)
5. Little of Your Time - Maroon 5 (full on rocking out)
6. Blue Song - Mint Royale (down a little bit, but still grooving)
7. Not Enough - The 88 (still bringing it down)
8. When Your Mind's Made Up - Glen Hansard (Once OST) (all the way down)
9. Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoobye (start bringing it back up, but still low key. A song to dance to.)
10. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers (rising, and now you have to dance and sing along too.)
11. This Ain't a Scene - Fall Out Boy (back to the rocking)
12. Here It Goes Again - OK Go (almost fully psyched)
13. Grace Kelly - Mika (happiness to full, rocking out to max, now properly psyched)

Feel free to mix and match. If anyone has suggestions of songs to properly raise your happiness quotient, leave a note. I need happiness inducing music, people.

Mo' Comfort, Mo' Problems

Last week I realized that the pillows on my bed were somewhat lacking in the comfort department. Probably because they were each anywhere from 5 to 7 years old and had the approximate shape of a pancake. A very thin pancake. Enough so that I could stack all four on top of each other and still rest my head easily without bending my neck. But really, it could have been anything. All I knew was that I needed some new pillows.

So I went out into the world. Which of course means I went to Target, as there are two of them within a quarter mile of my house and the world is a dangerous place. One should always stay close to home if possible. Coincidentally, they were having a sweet sale on those memory foam type pillows, to the tune of 60% off regular prices. So it was only 2 dollars more to upgrade from a regular pillow, full of whatever normal pillows are full of (cotton or poly blend or gravel, I don't really know), to a deluxe pillow full of space age materials(tm) and cutting-edge technology(also tm).

Obviously I made the upgrade, because I'm futuristic like that. And really, I love it. I carry the new pillow around the house with me now, like a 5 year old with a blanket, and it's crazy awesome and totally does conform to the exact shape of my pointy head. It's true, the future is now!

However.

It's been something like 3 nights sleeping on this new pillow and omigosh do my neck and back ache now. Intense soreness up and down the entire length of my body, as if I'd been doing rowing exercises for hours on end. I can think of nothing else in my world that has changed, except the pillow. And I certainly haven't been rowing anywhere lately, so it's a pretty straightforward causation.

But I don't want to give up my new pillow of joy. Just like the box says, I do spend way less time at night tossing and turning (I used to wake up 4 or 5 times a night, lately it's maybe twice per sleep), and it really is awesomely comfortable. It's just going through the day at work with the incredible shooting pains and the resultant moaning that is causing the trouble.

Isn't that always the way? I finally have a comfortable night's sleep and I develop old-man back problems. I'm hoping that it's just an adjustment period, that my body needs some time to get used to properly supported neck issues while I'm asleep, like I'm correcting my crooked back issues while via bed-shaping. A fancy pillow is just like a scoliosis brace, right? That's totally possible. Let me have my delusions, whilst I clutch my wonderful new pillow to my chest.

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Incidentally, while I'm expounding on sleeping issues, I kinda really want to get a new bed. I still get jealous to this day that Frnak's bed is so fancy and tall, while mine seems to be a remnant of post-collapse Soviet Russia, in terms of features and appearance. Plus, the egg crate pad that I got to upgrade its status to "European Hostel level" is sized for a Super-Long Twin, while the bed itself is a Full. Meaning that not only is it only soft and sleepable directly in the center of the bed, the pad is so long that it hangs off the end and there are precipitous drop offs on either side of the bed. If perchance you roll over in the middle of the night, there's an incredibly high chance you're heading right to the floor, based on your accrued momentum. This is not conducive to sleep.

But I promised myself there would be no more large purchases in my immediate future, considering the acquisition of New Car and the resulting Crippling Financial Obligations it entails. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold out, though. The call of a new mattress, possibly a queen sized one with a pillowtop, is very strong in my mind.

Save Me, TV!

I've been meaning to do this for weeks now, but I keep getting distracted. So back in May I did an upcoming fall TV preview, but now that I've had a whole summer to follow the news and watch some of the pilots, I can come up with a real fall TV schedule to follow.

Obviously it's just a rough guideline, as it usually only takes 2 weeks before the entire carefully mapped plan is shot to hell, but it's fun to try and guess which things will/won't suck.

Monday!
What to Watch:

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS 7:00-7:30) - Don't make me explain why again. Just do it. Many Moore is guest starring in the first episode!
• Aliens in America (CW 7:30-8:00) - I'm still incredibly doubtful about this show (incredibly) but I've had two different people tell me that it's way better than it should be. Since there's nothing else vying for it's timeslot it gets a watch for a while.
• Heroes (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Because it was the best new show last year that was not about Texas football, and it should hopefully acquit itself well in a second season (but will probably end up sucking).
• Journeyman (NBC 9:00-10:00) - I really doubt this will keep my interest beyond a couple of episodes, but the previewing stuff I've seen thus far makes it look at least solid. Filler, but well produced filler.

What to Tape:

• Chuck (NBC 7:00-8:00) - This actually looks good. Really good. Color me crazy shocked. It would get priority over basically anything, except it manages to conflict with my favorite show in the world, so sorry about that computer nerd - you're regulated to the VCR. I fully expect to get bored with Journeyman by week three and putting Chuck in its place, though.
• Samantha Who? (ABC 8:30-9:00) - I get conflicting reports, and the fact that the name has changed during the summer is a little worrying, but I'll follow Christina Applegate for a little while. It's on a very short leash, though, because I'm already booked solid for Mondays.

Also Rans:

• The Big Bang Theory - In a fall full of horrible new shows, this may well be the worst of the lot. So, so, so bad. Hopefully the pilot was just a fluke of horrible, but no. Watch out.
• K-Ville - I've heard good things, actually, but have not an ounce of desire to see this show. Feel free to use your own judgement there.

Tuesday!
What to Watch:

• Biggest Loser (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Okay, not that you should watch this, just that I am watching this. (Full disclosure, y'all. We have no secrets here.) It's such a ridiculous and inane show, but it's compelling in exactly that reality TV way that gets to me (see also: America's Next Top Model). Also it helps to be on a night when there's nothing else on.
• Reaper (CW 8:00-9:00) - After further consideration, I'm way more excited about this show than I was. It also helps that Fox burned all those extra episodes of The Loop over the summer and I developed a crush on Bret Harrison. After the announcement that they're kinda bringing back Dead Like Me next summer, I'm really big on all three "interacting with dead people" TV shows. Is that weird?

What to Tape: N/A

Also Rans:

• Cavemen - The only thing worth noting about this show is whether or not it will wrest the title of worst new show away from The Big Bang Theory or not. Ugh.
• Carpoolers - This one is sort of an enigma, because the pilot has some funny lines in it, and some vaguely nice chemistry among the cast. But the premise looks dumb and painfully stereotypical. Pass. Sorry Jerry O'Connell. Man, Sliders sure was a long time ago, wasn't it?
• Cane - I feel like I should watch this (first you get the sugar, then you get the power...) but all the previews have left me incredibly cold. I might tune in once or twice, just to make sure I'm not missing anything.
• House - I still don't get it. Every week it's the same goddamn thing. Namely - "You're risking a patient's life!"

Wednesday!
What to Watch:

• Pushing Daisies (ABC 7:00-8:00) - Still love, still want to watch so hard. And now I realize that I actually recognize almost the entire cast, but they're all just Hey It's That Guy types. Anyways, this even takes precedence over Tyra and ANTM, so you know I must be excited.
• Private Practice (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Damn you Kate Walsh! Always getting me sucked in. I have little doubt that this show will suck in short order, but I'm still giving it a shot. I should have my head examined.
• Dirty Sexy Money (ABC 9:00-10:00) - It's been far too long since I've been sucked in by a night-time crazy soap opera. Hopefully this will be good. Please be good.

What to Tape:

• America's Next Top Model (CW 7:00-8:00) - Despite being my top priority guilty pleasure, it gets delegated to taped status. Sorry show. Stay fabulous.

Also Rans:

• Kid Nation - I kinda want to watch it after all the controversy, but can't imagine it being good, even for the camp/child endangerment factors. Y'all let me know how it turns out, okay?
• Bionic Woman - I won't lie, the previews are actually pretty tempting. If the Private Practice sucks I'm going to be jumping ship here or to -
• Gossip Girl - who's preview seems to be nothing but trash, except it might be trashy in a good way. That "might" should be bolded, italicized, and in giant font, though.

Thursday!
What to Watch:

• Ugly Betty (ABC 7:00-8:00) - Good for America Ferrera and her Emmy win. A good show that I hope keeps up its momentum (Real quick aside on the Emmys: I wish that Michael Urie had been nominated for Supporting Actor, and really wish that Neil Patrick Harris had won it. Jeremy Piven? Pardon my language, but fuck that.)
• Grey's Anatomy (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Oh Grey's. You're hanging by a thread. Stray but a little, and your out like the bag of garbage in my kitchen that should have been tossed at least a week ago. Just so you know.
• Tim Gunn's Guide to Style (Bravo 9:00-10:00) - Until they finally get around to putting out Season 4 of Project Runway, I need to get my Tim Gunn fix somewhere.

What to Tape:

• Survivor: China (CBS 7:00-8:00) - Did anyone else watch last season? It was really, really good. How weird was that? I'm not sure if I'll religiously watch, but I'll at least keep in the loop on the show.
• The Office (NBC 8:00-8:30) - Second most anticipated show in my mind. Only getting taped because I'm not feeling the Scrubs lately so if I watch Grey's when it actually airs, I can avoid an additional half hour of TV watching. Plus, then I get to have The Office on tape to watch over and over again.

Also Rans:

• 30 Rock - Actually, everything else on this night is completely forgettable or returning, but I wanted to throw a little note in here to say that 30 Rock is super funny and if I wasn't already booked I would be pushing this show hard. As it is I'm really hoping this will be one of those shows you can catch on the internets so I won't have to miss it. Genuinely hilarious.

Friday!
What to Watch:

• Friday Night Lights (NBC 8:00-9:00) - I get twitchy with excitement for this show's return. I hate that it's on Fridays, since I never watch TV on Friday, but I love it enough that I'll make an exception.

What to Tape:

• Women's Murder Club (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Oh, you would schedule the only two interesting shows on Friday at the same time, wouldn't you? I'm weirdly looking forward to this one.

Also Rans:

• Moonlight - Vampire detective not named Angel, and not written by Joss Whedon. Epic Fail. Incidentally, the pilot sucks eggs.

Sunday!
What to Watch:

• The Simpsons (FOX 7:00-7:30) - It'll be on forever, I am powerless to its charms.
• King of the Hill (FOX 7:30-8:00) - Watching this show in syndication, it really holds up well over time. In lots ways, it's been stronger than The Simpsons over the past several seasons.
• Brothers and Sisters (ABC 9:00-10:00) - I've finally been won over by all the supporters, I'll at least give it a try. I've heard there is boykissing.

What to Tape: N/A

Also Rans:

• Desperate Housewives - Not even Nathan Fillion can bring me back. That really shouldn't be possible, but really, that's how over this show I am.
• Viva Laughlin - After all my hopes and anticipation, it's bad. Tragic bad. Let's all shed a single tear, and then move on.

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Now I go back over that list and realize that I'm totally screwed, as this new lame digital cable means that I can't tape one show and watch another at the same time. Man, Time Warner sucks so hard. Anyways, that's the gameplan. Follow along and see how wildly off my predictions are!

Office of Death

I was idly minding my own business on Monday afternoon, wading through various piles of mortgage documents at my desk, when suddenly everything in the office took on a strobe-light quality. All the lights, along with every electrical device, started rapidly flickering off and on. After verifying that I wasn't having a stroke or seizure and this was actually happening in the real world, I went sprinting around the office trying to unplug all the computers and monitors, since I vaguely remembered something from my computer science days about power surges being bad for computers.

That went on for about 3 minutes, non-stop. During that time, my boss patiently continued the phone conversation she was conducting at her desk, while I ran through the office like a frightened squirrel, unplugging things. Finally everything in the office shut down entirely for a couple of seconds and the backup generators came up. That gave us power to the lights in the office, but pretty much nothing else. Also, that meant that the air conditioning stopped blowing, so we could smell the unmistakable scent of an electrical fire.

After some additional frightened squirrel running on my part to verify that nothing in our office was currently aflame, we tried to decide on the best course of action at this point. I was all for bolting for the nearest exit and huddling in the parking lot until a burly fireman personally assured me that the threat of fire was gone. But my boss decided that instead of frightened huddling, we should stay in the office and contact everyone we were working with to let them know we had lost power, so they wouldn't think we had just stopped working because we're slackers. I was slightly against making conversational business calls while the office building around us was consumed in flames, but as I couldn't find any source of fire or smoke (just the hideous smell) and there was no fire alarm, I reluctantly agreed and grabbed the phone.

Around the start of the third call, the floor manager (who already thinks I'm crazy, btw) busted in my office to ask why the hell I was still in the office. I agreed and asked her indeed, what was I doing still there, but the irony was lost on her. Since she had to evacuate everyone from the floor before she got to leave, my little attempts at wit were directly affecting her chances of survival. She had no time for banter and almost flung me bodily from the room. My boss looked over at the two us and calmly held up one finger, like, hold on this call is almost over. The floor manager rolled her eyes so hard I worried that they'll fall from their sockets and she started rushing me down the hall.

We all made it to the ground floor by heading through the stairwell where the lights were still strobing (which made the walk down just a touch treacherous), and were told to hang around in the lobby until the fire department got there and could investigate where the fire was and why the alarms never went off.

My boss decided to screw waiting though, as we are busy people, and sent me off on the numerous errands that we could fill this unproductive standing-around-celebrating-our-escape-with-our-lives time with. I went to the bank to make some deposits (the boss had thoughtfully had me grab our outstanding checks as we fled the building for our lives) and regaled the teller with my harrowing story of near-fire-death. She was less than impressed for some reason (possibly because there was no smoke, or fire, and because I had fled the building based on a smell) which made me generally resentful for the rest of the transaction. At least she offered me a sucker from her jar of bank candy afterwards, which helped sooth my pain.

When I got back to the office, a really nice and cute fireman let me go back up to our floor, as they determined that there was no actual fire. One of the generators, or transformers, or something (he was really cute, it was hard to focus on the words) down in the basement had shorted out, and it had caused everything else to shut down. The smell came from the shorted out unit and just happened to propagate up to us because we have a dedicated air flow line to our floor from the basement.

We still only had backup power, though, for the remainder of the day, which meant absolutely no computers, or air conditioning, and if you wanted to go to the bathroom you had to do so with the lights strobing all around you. It was like peeing in a discotheque.

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And that's the story of how I almost (okay not even close) died in the office. I would have told the story earlier, but as luck would have it, yesterday right around 10 in the morning our corporate office had a catastrophic systems failure at the north branch, which completely cut all of our communication with the Internet, email, and information systems until about 6 this morning.

I swear, it's like my office is turning into the Temple of Doom over here. I expect the next time I head out of my office, a giant boulder of paperwork and discarded coffee mugs will start chasing me down the hallway.

Come to think of it, I really should have brought my fedora in to work.