Stories

I miss writing. Not in a serious way, or a compelling one. Just in a "man I used to really like doing that" sort of way. Kinda how I miss playing badminton. It's a vague and ill-defined itch in the back of my mind. Unlike badminton, though, I can do something about it without getting up off the couch. So let's get on with some stories.

Where I've Been (Sappy Life Update)

So I found a new job. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not, and I'll be damned if I'll actually go back and read things I've written before. Always forward, never back. But, yeah, so I'm gainfully employed again after a 2 month hiatus. In the end, it worked out ideally - I moved out of a bad job situation and into a really great one in the same field, with very little downtime It's a better situation all around, and I'm actually on a real career path instead of just running in place like before. Combine that with the fact that I took some much needed time during the forced sabbatical to get my head on straight and my body back into shape, and everything seems to be in a really positive place. This sounds queer as hell, but I'm incredibly happy with my life right now. I know, shocking, right?

What I've Been Doing (Technology Whore)

So as a reward for finding a new and better paying job, I finally broke down and bought a new laptop. I know it's an extravagance in the extreme... but just wait for the rest of this post. I can defend it a little bit - my desktop computer has become this Frankenstein Monster of various cobbled-parts that don't even fit into its tower. Wires, cables, random boxes, and fans spill out of it like the remnants of an incendiary explosion gone wrong. And even in its make-shift upgraded state, it continues to run slower and slower. The laptop is sleek, pretty, runs twice as fast as the desktop, and I can do things like type on it while lying on the couch watching football and yelling at my roommate to bring me more turkey while he's up. (Not that I'm necessarily doing that right now, no sir).

But yeah, so if you think it's extravagant to go out and get a laptop right after a two month unemployment stint, you'll love this part - last week as a late birthday present to myself, I bought an iPhone. There's no defending that one - owning an iPhone is equivalent to the worst excesses of the Roman empire. I feel so much like Hedonism Bot from Futurama that it's uncanny ("I regret nothing!").

Seriously, though, it's awesome. Instant access to email, facebook, AIM, grouped texts, decent camera, a 32 gig iPod built in, you might as well just hook it to my veins. When you add in the google maps function so I never get lost anymore and the fact that I can play Katamari Damacy anywhere anytime now, I might as well have died and gone to gay-white-nerd heaven.

What I've Been Listening To (Music Snob Section)

November was a good month for concerts. I went to see Regina Spektor at Nokia as my real birthday present to myself and it was life-affirming as usual. I think it's so crazy how big she's gotten lately - I still remember when she was at the Gypsy Tea Room, and now she's filling up huge venues. But it was an awesome show - she played the best stuff off the new album Far, plus an amazing version of Ode to Divorce, a near show-stopping version of Silly Eye-Color Generalizations and ended the show with her country song Love You're a Whore (something that I've been dying to see in person). Basically, she continues to complete me in ways that are utterly undefinable. Or to put it in terms of Roommate Jim "I have never seen you look gayer than when you're smiling at a Regina Spektor concert." Which, while a hate crime, is technically accurate.

I also went to see Imogen Heap at the Granada approximately 4 days following the Regina concert and it was similarly awesome. It wasn't exactly polished - there were several extended technical delays and her voice (while always awesome) was obviously suffering from multi back-to-back concert nights. That said, there were some amazing bits - a truly awesome rendition of Bad Body Double, an unbelievably chilling version of The Moment I Said It, and a really unique and fun take on Just For Now. And as far as old school ambiance goes, you really can't beat the Granada. Even though the show was sold out, the crowd was super cool and really into the show. Bravo all around.

Short Stories That Make You Wonder (I'm Too Lazy for Proper Posts)

I got a new roommate. Roommate Frank has run off to greener pastures where there are dogs that he can play with, and floors that don't randomly shift their planes for their own amusement. In his stead we introduce Roommate Jim, who's already been heavily featured in stories around here, just not while co-habitating. It's a pretty sweet setup, in that we are basically the straight/gay versions of each other. It's all video games, sports, and minor drinking adventures all the time nowadays. He keeps me honest and less hermit-like than I would normally be in such times, so it's a good thing.

My birthday was aging, but super fun. I managed to go out three separate times (in true Birthday Week fashion) and never got overly drunk. Good conversation, good venues, and good drinks. Is it possible that I'm growing up and can actually celebrate in moderation? Let's just assume this is an aberration, not a sign of things to come. We'll see how Gingerbread Party goes next month as the real indicator.

Thanksgiving was short (low-man on the totem pole at the new office means working on the day after) but I still managed to partake in enough of my family's delicious meal in the 10 hours I was home that I will probably never be the same shape again. (Also contributing to that shape: the literal 10 pounds of leftovers that my mom gave to me on the way out the door. Seriously, I'm going to be a pear before the new year). I brought Roommate Jim back with me to the homestead, and I'm pretty sure that no parties were permanently scarred from the event, which is all I was hoping for, frankly. To quote a great man: No one got shot, no one got outed. I'll take it.

Grr, Change

Note: This post is not about political "change" (which is apparently the word of the month), because I'll be damned if I'm going to spend one additional second on anything remotely related to politics ever again. People always ask why I remain completely neutral in all political discussions, and refuse to tell anyone where I stand. Really, you can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want to get involved in non-stop rabid propaganda no matter which side you align with?

Not that not declaring a side helps much - basically you then just have both sides assuming you agree with them (because, how could you not? I mean, obviously my side is the right one, anyone on the other side is crazy and I wouldn't associate with crazy) so you get all their diatribes as their very own stump speech. So you just adopt a neutral facial expression, and nod your head occasionally, all the while trying to say the alphabet backwards in your head.

Seriously, I pretty much hate everyone right now.

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But this entry is not about that kind of change, dammit!

In general I hate change. Mixing up your routine makes things complicated, prone to additional errors, and increases the likelihood that you're going to have to end up talking to someone you hate (probably about politics, too). And the worst time for change is always Fall.

Every Fall they rearrange the syndicated TV shows, just as I've finally gotten down a schedule that I like to watch in the background when I get home from work (Until this month: King of the Hill, followed by The Simpsons, followed by How It Works. A perfect afternoon roll call. Now that's shot to hell, as the only thing left in that lineup is The Simpsons and it's at a different time. Grr.). HATE

Every Fall they change the traffic light patterns in central Dallas, I assume to factor in something to do with the school zones. All I know is that my route to and from work becomes 10 minutes longer each time the leaves change, because 5 of the 7 lights that I go through tend to hit red during a normal commute (as opposed to 2 at max during the summer) and the left turn only arrows at the intersection by my office disappear and you have to just shoot for your openings in traffic and pray for intersection mercy. HATE

And this really doesn't apply to anyone else, but Fall is also when mortgage lenders push out their upgrades to their user interfaces and underwriting engines. Which invariably ends up in heartbreak and longer turn times. Why they need to keep expanding the functionality of systems when the number of files available is plummeting to a record low is beyond the scope of my understanding. DOUBLE HATE

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But at this exact second, the change that's annoying me the most? iGoogle.

Which is the most unfair kind of change imaginable - a significant alteration to something that is totally free. So it's not like I can complain, it's a complimentary service. It's tacky to criticize the hand that is feeding you (for free).

Anyways, I'm going to whine for a minute, but that doesn't mean that I'm not really, really, incredibly appreciative of Google for providing the single best internet tool I have ever had in my entire life (A close second being the awesome address bar in the new Firefox. Those two items are pretty much all I need to get my internet enjoyment to maximum capacity.). I have saved so much time and effort using the iGoogle homepage that I roughly attribute at least 50% of my increased productivity at work to it.

But the latest redesign. Jesus.

A left hand tab menu? Seriously? Google is pretty much the smartest company on the internet, yet they don't understand the importance of horizontal viewing space? This isn't so much of a problem on my 24" wide screen monitor at home (which, by the by, still completes me), where I have landscape view width to spare. But at the office, on my 15" CRT, in order to fit that extra couple of inches for those tabs, I lose all readability for the third column of widgets. The only option I have is to switch to double columns, which means scrolling for additional info. But I won't even do that, because it saves the settings globally, and having only two columns at home is like spitting in the face of God and/or Mr. Widescreen Monitor.

Plus, the expanded functionality of the widgets from the tab bar is terrible. The only one that works well is the Google Reader, but since I don't use the additional functionality, it's a wash. Whereas the Gmail tab is actively horrible. Clicking an email brings it up in the widget now, but you can't click on embedded hyperlinks, and can't respond with attachments. Same limitations for composing a new email, or looking at your inbox. The only way to get anything done is to click over to Gmail. So really at this point, the only point to the widget is to see the last 5 emails you've received. Which is nice, but it used to be so much more functional.

And what's the deal with the multiple pages on the bookmarks widget all of a sudden? I mean, maybe it's naive to assume that everyone uses bookmarks the same way as me, but they're generally used for my daily sites that don't have RSS feeds, or that have interactive content that I'll need to access at various points during the day, usually in rapid succession. So it makes zero sense to have to waste additional time clicking over to the page of links I'm looking for, every time you backtrack to the homepage. It's not like they're unmanageable as is; there's maybe 20 of them. Suddenly we're horribly concerned about vertical screen space now? Grr.

It's like that my.yahoo debacle all over again, except this time there's still so much I still love about it that I can't ever imagine leaving. I forgive new flaws when you've got that much functionality left. (Whereas Yahoo pretty much lost me forever with their overdesigning, when you actively have to click three links to actually access the content you see on the screen. Damn, I still wonder to this day how they managed to screw that up so bad.)

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Whew, okay, venting over. I feel much better.

(I'm still pretty bitter about all the politics stuff, though.)

Welcoming Our New Robot Overlords

So everyone knows I'm really into the future, right?

Sci-fi junkie, both in books and movies. Computer nerd like whoa; nothing gets me hotter than a really good bout of programming.

I'm even known to regularly spout "Where are all the flying cars? This is supposed to be the future, I was promised flying cars!"

So ever since the first time I laid eyes on a Roomba, I've coveted them like nothing else. Even when I heard they were super lame, and you'd be better off hiring a toddler to sweep your floors for better results, I still wanted one like a 12 year old girl wants a pony. Just the idea of a robot vacuum under my command got my mind racing at the potential possibilities. In my brain it's like Rosie from the Jetsons, but without any of that smart-mouth backtalk.

Alas, I was wicked poor at the time, and have been pretty much forever since. And I never really had enough floor to warrant a dedicated living vacuuming machine, since I could easily clean my whole place in approximately 10 minutes once every month. Not even my lust for the future could rationalize the purchase.

And so my dream of robot ownership languished.

Then, two fortuitous things happened right at the same time: They introduced the 530+ series of Roombas, and I got my new apartment. This new series continued on the functionality improvements of the last few years (edge cleaning brushes, proximity sensors, smarter algorithms, etc.), but most importantly they added a lighthouse/beacon feature, which allows these new awesome robots to do multiple rooms at once, and then return back to their homes, like the android-future my mind had always promised.

And the new apartment was huge, better than 400 more square feet of space, all of it done in fake hardwood floors. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep non-carpeted floors clean? Well if you're as lazy as I am, it's basically impossible. Once a week exhaustive sweeping isn't enough. You need something like 3 sweepings every 10 days, and you have to move furniture, otherwise the dust bunnies gather in dark places and plan their revenge on the living world.

Thus, I have been biding my time, waiting for the Roomba price to drop into the realm of my rationalization. It took nearly a full year, but finally it happened this month, and I'm the proud owner of the cutest little cleaning machine this side of the Mississippi river.

I call him Bad Robot.

Mostly because I'm constantly shouting "No! Bad Robot!"

See, the thing I was most worried about when I got him was that he would gain sentience in the middle of night and try to murder me and take over the apartment as his own, tired of his position of servitude.

This proved to be even more ludicrous than it sounds, because goddamn, Bad Robot is as dumb as a post.

Things I Have Yelled at Bad Robot For (Just This Week)
- Trying to climb into the fireplace and getting stuck on the marble (3 times)
- Getting an empty Pixi Stick lodged in its brushes (4 times)
- Trying to eat the drapes in the living room (2 times)
- Running into the entertainment center so hard that he knocked down the Playstation controller
- Trying to eat said Playstation controller's cord immediate afterwards
- Getting stuck under the table, despite there only being two chairs around it
- Attempting to gain access to my bedroom by repeatedly ramming into the door, because it wasn't fully latched
- Pushing the mat at the front door all the way into the back hallway
- Refusing to clean near the kitchen because the kitchen doors jut out approximately 2 inches from the wall
- Missing his docking station by 1 inch,
- Then getting confused and pushing the docking station around until it faced the wall,
- Then getting really mad because he can tell there's a docking station nearby but can't access it,
- And in response starting to ram himself repeatedly into the coffee table.

Seriously, he's not smart.

But the thing is because he's not, our place is constantly in a state of previously unknown clean. Because as long as you keep half an eye on him, he will indeed vacuum up everything, and keeps the place dirt and dust bunny free. And since you have to pick up any cords, or big things on he ground that he might run into so that he can actually function at his job, we're running at something like 90% clean house at all times.

It's nuts.

I'm so happy, I could burst.

Now if only they would get around to making those flying cars I was promised, I could finally be happy with my place in future.

Filler Friday

An amalgamation of the things rattling through my head today:

• So, my mouse died two days ago. I should clarify that to be a computer mouse, not a pet mouse that I might have had, or one that was living in my house against my will. I guess 6 years is an appropriate lifespan for a mouse, but I still miss it. Particularly since I went to three different stores and couldn't find a single mouse that was of comparable quality that did not cost over $60 dollars.
  
  Instead, I had to resort to online shopping, and due to shipping times I have spent the last 2 days using my backup mouse (AKA, the original Dell mouse that came with my boss's 1994 desktop computer, which I have in my closet for some reason.) Do you remember what mice were like in 1994? It's terrifying. I will never take my scroll wheel for granted again.
  
  
• In that Fergie song Glamorous, the line is "After the Grammys, I like to go out with my family/Sipping, reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang."
  
  It's not "when I had a mustache," as I had so remembered it in my mind. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Also, I'm not sure which part bothers me more - that I remembered it wrong in the first place, or the fact that I never questioned why she used to have a mustache.
  
  . . . I don't know, leave me alone, I'm tired.
  
  
• I went to the automated car wash yesterday because my Jaguar looked like it had been through a sandstorm, after the last mini-rainstorm we had that knocked the remaining pollen from that devil tree outside my apartment. In line in front of me was a truck that had one of those huge bike mounts attached to the back. When the flailing wheels of scrubbers tried to clean the back gate of the truck, the left flailer got lodged in the mount, and in retaliation for this, the entire machine attempted to drag the truck off the track and into the shadowy recesses to the side. Eventually the flailer was dislodged without destroying itself or eating the truck, so normally this wouldn't even be a story worth relating.
  
  But apparently the owner of said truck must have had some super deep seated fear of automated car washes, because he absolutely lost his shit when the machine got stuck and started pulling against the truck. Not like angry losing it, like scared losing it - huge terrified look on his face as if a T-Rex was gnawing on the back end of the car, what looked like a shriek of horror, and then randomly slamming his hands down on his horn. As if maybe the mechanical cleaning device would be all "Oh, a loud noise, I should stop what I'm doing."
  
  It was definitely the strangest thing I've seen in at least 5 days.
  
  
• So I've been rewatching the third season of How I Met Your Mother (because I have absolutely no life, and scheduled TV is junk right now) and it's so strange. It's got to be the most wildly uneven single season of TV I've ever seen, short of the 5th season of Buffy. Some utterly garbage episodes, immediately beside others that qualify as some of the best in the whole series. I think the strike worked really hard against them, but I'm still not sure if that's a sufficient excuse. But anyways, the real thing I want to talk about is how shockingly sad the whole Barney/Ted breakup thing is over those last few episodes of the season. It was actually kind of moving, which is just super weird. So help me if Neil Patrick Harris does not win that Emmy.
  
  
• Oh, and in conjunction with that, have I recently mentioned my ungodly crush on the NPH? Because damn. And it's just been further increased by the whole Dr. Horrible Sing-along Blog thing, in which he is just too perfect for words, and is also terribly cute, and is also the saddest thing I've seen since Atonement.
  
  I refuse to get suckered in by Joss Whedon ever again. I have a little post-it now right next to my computer. It reads "Don't trust Whedon when love is involved. It's going to end horribly and you're going to cry." And then there's a little picture I drew of a sad faced beaver next to a tombstone.
  

Shocking Revelation: Computers are Awesome

Last week I wrote about my Christmas extravagance when it has to do with my own selfishness - namely the purchase of a new monitor and video card to replace my current dying unit.

In stark contrast to the extravagance of the purchase itself, I bought both items online rather than in a store. Because the lure of cheap prices, no sales tax, and free shipping speak to my inner Scrooge even when I'm throwing away piles of money.

I am utterly unaccustomed to having to wait for large purchases to reach me by mail, though. If I order anything online, it's usually books or a game, nothing that has any immediacy to it. This thing, though... man. The guaranteed three business day shipping that traversed an entire weekend nearly ripped me to shreds. Having to wait for the results of my mad spending spree makes me infinitely quicker to regret said impulse purchase.

Also, I was still having to work with the old monitor, which by that point would take a liberal 20 minutes to even give me a picture. I attempted to leave the sad thing on for the entire weekend, but I need complete darkness to sleep apparently, and thus it was an untenable situation.

But oh my, on Monday the monitor arrived.

The only word for it was coined by Frank, upon seeing it for the first time: "Excessive."

It is the most excessive thing I have ever seen. 22 inches of wide screen glory that is sharper than I previously imagined possible on a monitor. When you maximize a FireFox window, less than half the screen has any content on it. I can now open full-sized pictures off my digital camera in Photoshop without the slightest bit of scaling. It's the most ridiculously over-the-top thing I've ever owned that is not my Jaguar.

Then yesterday the video card arrived. It's a more modest affair, a last generation card that has been thoroughly outpaced in the meantime. But for me - a guy who was running something that was last generation at least two generations ago - it's an ungodly upgrade.

And just to complete the orgy of spending, I went out and maxed out the RAM on my computer to go along with the rest of the upgrades. This one was less extravagant and more "Duh, why didn't you do that earlier," as RAM has apparently grown so cheap since the last time I bought some that they're almost giving it away. $25 was the total cost to max my ancient machine to its peak performance.

Y'all? I know I say "there are no words" a lot. But really. Suddenly I have an entirely new ultra-functional computer, with a hedonistic-ly ridiculous monitor, and the total cost to me was under $350 dollars.

As I was saying to someone yesterday, now I have no expectations whatsoever for Christmas this year, as just staring at my new ninja-like setup at my desk fills me with enough joy to eclipse even the most horrendous of gifts. I've reached a pure nerd-zenlike state.

Merry Christmas indeed, y'all!