Stories

I miss writing. Not in a serious way, or a compelling one. Just in a "man I used to really like doing that" sort of way. Kinda how I miss playing badminton. It's a vague and ill-defined itch in the back of my mind. Unlike badminton, though, I can do something about it without getting up off the couch. So let's get on with some stories.

Where I've Been (Sappy Life Update)

So I found a new job. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not, and I'll be damned if I'll actually go back and read things I've written before. Always forward, never back. But, yeah, so I'm gainfully employed again after a 2 month hiatus. In the end, it worked out ideally - I moved out of a bad job situation and into a really great one in the same field, with very little downtime It's a better situation all around, and I'm actually on a real career path instead of just running in place like before. Combine that with the fact that I took some much needed time during the forced sabbatical to get my head on straight and my body back into shape, and everything seems to be in a really positive place. This sounds queer as hell, but I'm incredibly happy with my life right now. I know, shocking, right?

What I've Been Doing (Technology Whore)

So as a reward for finding a new and better paying job, I finally broke down and bought a new laptop. I know it's an extravagance in the extreme... but just wait for the rest of this post. I can defend it a little bit - my desktop computer has become this Frankenstein Monster of various cobbled-parts that don't even fit into its tower. Wires, cables, random boxes, and fans spill out of it like the remnants of an incendiary explosion gone wrong. And even in its make-shift upgraded state, it continues to run slower and slower. The laptop is sleek, pretty, runs twice as fast as the desktop, and I can do things like type on it while lying on the couch watching football and yelling at my roommate to bring me more turkey while he's up. (Not that I'm necessarily doing that right now, no sir).

But yeah, so if you think it's extravagant to go out and get a laptop right after a two month unemployment stint, you'll love this part - last week as a late birthday present to myself, I bought an iPhone. There's no defending that one - owning an iPhone is equivalent to the worst excesses of the Roman empire. I feel so much like Hedonism Bot from Futurama that it's uncanny ("I regret nothing!").

Seriously, though, it's awesome. Instant access to email, facebook, AIM, grouped texts, decent camera, a 32 gig iPod built in, you might as well just hook it to my veins. When you add in the google maps function so I never get lost anymore and the fact that I can play Katamari Damacy anywhere anytime now, I might as well have died and gone to gay-white-nerd heaven.

What I've Been Listening To (Music Snob Section)

November was a good month for concerts. I went to see Regina Spektor at Nokia as my real birthday present to myself and it was life-affirming as usual. I think it's so crazy how big she's gotten lately - I still remember when she was at the Gypsy Tea Room, and now she's filling up huge venues. But it was an awesome show - she played the best stuff off the new album Far, plus an amazing version of Ode to Divorce, a near show-stopping version of Silly Eye-Color Generalizations and ended the show with her country song Love You're a Whore (something that I've been dying to see in person). Basically, she continues to complete me in ways that are utterly undefinable. Or to put it in terms of Roommate Jim "I have never seen you look gayer than when you're smiling at a Regina Spektor concert." Which, while a hate crime, is technically accurate.

I also went to see Imogen Heap at the Granada approximately 4 days following the Regina concert and it was similarly awesome. It wasn't exactly polished - there were several extended technical delays and her voice (while always awesome) was obviously suffering from multi back-to-back concert nights. That said, there were some amazing bits - a truly awesome rendition of Bad Body Double, an unbelievably chilling version of The Moment I Said It, and a really unique and fun take on Just For Now. And as far as old school ambiance goes, you really can't beat the Granada. Even though the show was sold out, the crowd was super cool and really into the show. Bravo all around.

Short Stories That Make You Wonder (I'm Too Lazy for Proper Posts)

I got a new roommate. Roommate Frank has run off to greener pastures where there are dogs that he can play with, and floors that don't randomly shift their planes for their own amusement. In his stead we introduce Roommate Jim, who's already been heavily featured in stories around here, just not while co-habitating. It's a pretty sweet setup, in that we are basically the straight/gay versions of each other. It's all video games, sports, and minor drinking adventures all the time nowadays. He keeps me honest and less hermit-like than I would normally be in such times, so it's a good thing.

My birthday was aging, but super fun. I managed to go out three separate times (in true Birthday Week fashion) and never got overly drunk. Good conversation, good venues, and good drinks. Is it possible that I'm growing up and can actually celebrate in moderation? Let's just assume this is an aberration, not a sign of things to come. We'll see how Gingerbread Party goes next month as the real indicator.

Thanksgiving was short (low-man on the totem pole at the new office means working on the day after) but I still managed to partake in enough of my family's delicious meal in the 10 hours I was home that I will probably never be the same shape again. (Also contributing to that shape: the literal 10 pounds of leftovers that my mom gave to me on the way out the door. Seriously, I'm going to be a pear before the new year). I brought Roommate Jim back with me to the homestead, and I'm pretty sure that no parties were permanently scarred from the event, which is all I was hoping for, frankly. To quote a great man: No one got shot, no one got outed. I'll take it.

Hiding the Nerd at Christmas

So, every Christmas, people always ask you what you want as a gift. I have learned that it is a very good idea to have a short list of small items available in mind for this question, just waiting to be unleashed. Because if you don't, they will invariably fall back on their previous knowledge of things you have expressed a fondness for in the past. And before you know it your entire apartment will be filled with beavers in various shapes and forms, until they're the only thing you can see when you walk in.

And no one wants that.

But this year I don't know what has happened - every time I find something that I might want for Christmas, it is always almost too inherently geeky to even bring up in polite company. I don't think that I've gotten more nerd-like this year, it's just that my normal mainstream interests haven't come out with anything good lately.

So now I'm at a crossroads - do I hand over a list of completely off-the-wall things that I want, which will most certainly be doubly embarrassing (first, whenever the person doing the gifting has to buy it, and second whenever I get it and jump around like the gigantic nerd I am), or do I try to whittle down the list to the most mainstream of items and be less enthused with the resulting gifts that come across? Such is the burden of the mid-level-middle-class-20-something-nerd.

Anyways, this is all just a carefully crafted screen so's I can make a list of all the nerdy things that I've seen lately that I really want. Because lists are fun.

In order from least to most nerdy:

DVDs:
Wall-E - Because I am the biggest nerd for Pixar movies, just holding it in my hand will probably result in nerd drool. (Also a 2 out of 10 on the nerd/geek scale. It's a pretty popular movie, after all)

Bring it On - Because it's my favorite movie in the entire world, and I've lost my copy. I have the case, but no disc. It causes me near daily pain, but I can't bring myself to buy a new copy, since it must be here somewhere, right? (A 2.5 out of 10. Not a nerdy movie, but my level of devotion to such a bad movie is certain to release high levels of awkwardness)

Books:
Alastair Reynolds - House of Suns

Charles Stross - Halting State

Neal Stephenson - Anathem

(At least a 7 out of 10 across the board - all three are ranging sci-fi/fantasy. Although I think the Stephenson at least is pretty mainstream-ish. Still, books at the holidays - always geeky.)

Things That Are Like Books:
Cable and Deadpool - Comic Collections - So it's come to this, eh? Actually buying comics. I don't even know. But this series is great, and pretty hilarious, and I want a hard copy of it. What? Don't judge. (9 of 10 - to get this you almost are required to walk into a comic book store. We're reaching the upper levels of nerd here.)

Runaways - Dead End Kids - Because I cannot find a bookstore that stocks Runaways anymore, and I refuse on principle to go to the comic books store near my house, so I haven't been able to read the last 3 editions. (9.5 of 10 - because just like above, only add another 0.5 because Joss Whedon is involved.)

Other Things That are so Nerdy It's Hard to Categorize:
Brick Poster - I'd like to think that I'm starting to get old enough that I could move beyond movie posters. But no, not really. I badly want one of these cutout posters that they did for the release of Brick before they all disappear. I've linked the Brain one because he was my favorite, but there are like 5 different ones, and they're all pretty cool. (8 of 10. Cult movie + obscure fan item + level of dedication required to get it = more geeky than a sci-fi book, but less geeky than comic collections.)

Penny Arcade Print - I'm not going to try and defend this one, it may very well be the most geeky thing on the list. Buying a physical print of a webcomic strip, that's about being a geek?It's almost meta levels of nerd, going on. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've come incredibly close several times to just buying one for myself for no reason. And the only thing that's stopped me so far? Because I can't decide which one I would get. I need help. (For the record: it's between this one & this one right now.) (10 of 10, no question)

Allomantic Metal Decals - I don't think I can even explain this one. So, they're like stickers? Of mystical symbols? From an obscure fantasy series that I'm (more than) mildly obsessed with. I don't even know what I'd do with them, but man do I want them. (15 of 10. Is that enough?)

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Well it feels nice to finally get all that nerding off my chest. Now to track down some holiday cookies and find out where I stashed all my Christmas lights. This house is not gonna decorate itself.

Fall Back into Television (Week Hiatus)

And lo, there came a week in which Jason watched no TV, and instead ate an entire turkey, 2 pounds of stuffing, and several pies.

Thus, there was no week in television to review.

And it was good.

Of Course there are more Year End Lists!

So I made it through the entire last 4 months of the year with exactly 3 days of illness, right up to New Year's Eve, when I was suddenly, unbelievably, violently ill. So rather than at a party with friends, I spent the last moments of the year freezing in my bathroom. I have absolutely the worst luck.

Anyways, I'm mostly recovered now. So what do we do? We write more year end lists!

First up: Critical Movie List!

Now that I've seen all the movies I plan on for 2007, I can hand out the imaginary awards in my mind. I missed several of the big award movies this year (noticeably - American Gangster, No Country for Old Men, and Charlie Wilson's War) but that doesn't slow me down a bit. Everything gets 5 nomination slots, one winner.

Best Motion Picture
Juno
Atonement
Michael Clayton
Lars and the Real Girl
Sweeney Todd

Notes: In my mind it's a three way race for #1 (Juno, Atonement, and Todd), and it was ridiculously hard to pick out the two lesser movies that made the cut on the best list. I eventually gave the bump up to the two movies with the most impressive acting. Also, it kills me that Zodiac couldn't make the cut.

Winner: In an utter battle royale, I give the win to Atonement, for sheer longlasting value. It's just amazing and it will stand the test of time, whereas I think Juno won't age quite as well, even if I would much prefer to watch Juno multiple times currently.

Best Director - Motion Picture
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
David Fincher - Zodiac
Neil Jordan - The Brave One
Tim Burton - Sweeney Todd
Joe Wright - Atonement

Notes: Jordan gets in by sheer lack of impressive candidates, since I didn't see any of the big director movies this year (American Gangster, No Country, and Into the Wild). This one is more a foregone conclusion than most, although I want to go on record as saying that Joe Wright did amazing things with Atonement, particularly the long shot at Dunkirk, which in any other year would have won him the award in a heartbeat.

Winner: But I was enthralled by Sweeney Todd, and almost entirely due to the direction. Tim Burton wins in a walk, for using his style without apology in a way that utterly enhances a story that is a perfect fit for it. Almost a stacked deck, in my opinion, but it's a textbook rendition of excellent direction.

Best Actor - Motion Picture
James McAvoy - Atonement
Ryan Gosling - Lars and the Real Girl
Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - The Lookout
George Clooney - Michael Clayton

Notes: I'm allowed my vices - Joseph Gordon-Levitt was flawless in that movie and I will not hear a word against him. And I atone for the preferential treatment of him by putting Clooney in there, even though I don't like him. I recognize a good performance when I see it. But man, seriously, I really don't like him.

Winner: McAvoy appeared at the end and gave him a run for his money, but Ryan Gosling still takes it. An amazing job - I swear, the movie would have been horrible had anyone else in the world had his part.

Best Actress - Motion Picture
Kiera Knightley - Atonement
Ellen Page - Juno
Helena Bonham Carter - Sweeney Todd
Kerri Russel - Waitress
Jodie Foster - The Brave One

Notes: This was the year for women's performances I loved. I would have no problem giving this to any one of the five without a second thought. Even Kerri Russel, who seems like the odd-woman-out up there until you think about her performance in Waitress and realize that she carried a complex movie on her shoulders without making it look like work. It nearly kills me to pick just one.

Winner: Helena Bonham Carter. I can't in good conscience give it to anyone else, although Page and Knightley are so close here that they can taste it. Just an uncommonly great year. But Knightley gets a lot of help in her movie from McAvoy and all the actresses who play Briony in Atonement, so she has a lesser degree of difficultly. And Page is just the opposite - she has the toughest job of all, since her character is written with such hard to swallow dialogue that her performance is elevated just because of what she had to work with. But Carter plays her role so perfectly - she gets Depp to work against, but also has to run the gamut of emotion, humor, and singing. I feel good with her as the big winner.

Best Supporting Actor - Motion Picture
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton
Jeremy Sisto - Waitress
Paul Schneider - Lars and the Real Girl
Alan Rickman - Sweeney Todd
Chris Cooper - Breach

Notes: Another tough one, as there are so many options (let's all take a moment to mourn Robert Downey Jr.'s exclusion for Zodiac). Sisto gets a nod for bringing untold levels of menace and character to a role that is so confusingly written, while Schneider gets one for having to play the straight man in the least comedic comedy in a long while. Both are hard roles, but for me it's a straight up dead heat between Chris Cooper and and Tom Wilkinson. Both had difficult parts that could make or break their respective movies...

Winner: But Chris Cooper gets the win in my mind, for elevating his movie from good to great based solely on his performance (Michael Clayton could stand on its own, as we'll soon see). Breach isn't winning a ton of awards by any measure, but he makes what could be an incredibly dull movie riveting, just in the character he creates.

Best Supporting Actress - Motion Picture
Jennifer Garner - Juno
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton
Emily Mortimer - Lars and the Real Girl
Romola Garai - Atonement

Notes: How much did I love Briony in Atonement? Yeah, two perfect performances there, by two different people. We're just lucky Vanessa Redgrave was only onscreen for, like, 5 minutes or we would have serious issues. A quick word of sadness that Emily Mortimer won't get a second of recognition for her great work in Lars, despite how perfect she was.

Winner: Because this is a knockdown, drag-out fight between Garner and Swinton, who are both the actual best things about both of their movies. But I give it to Swinton, hands down. She just has so little to work with, but is flawless throughout the whole movie. I love her so much in this part. (Garner gets a ton of help from the screenplay in her role, just because it gives her so much to work with.)

Other Quick Ones:
Best Screenplay - A fierce but short battle between Juno and Atonement, with Juno taking it by a hair. Even though I think the dialogue is trying at times, it's hard to do comedy and characters well, and the writing there really is great. I'm glad there will be two categories at the Oscars, though, so they can both win there.

Best Original Score - Atonement. Full stop. Just great.
Best Animated Feature - Ratatouille (I mean, come on.)

Whew. Now I'm exhausted, and I haven't even gotten to TV. This list making thing really takes it out of you. We'll see if we can't get more out later on.

The Catch Up-ening Part Screw It

You know what? I have no desire to recap the last three weeks of my life, and you most certainly don't care about it enough to read it. So we're doing a 10 second wrap up instead. Hold on to your hats:

• Doctor (lame)
• Work (boring)
• Thanksgiving (pie)

There. You missed absolutely nothing, save a very detailed explanation of how I managed to defy physics by eating three whole pies, 3 lbs of turkey, and an entire dish of stuffing (quite literally all by myself) in under three days, and still managed to lose a pound of weight by the end of the holiday weekend. I'm sure we're all glad that we dodged that bullet.

We now return to our regularly scheduled intermittent posting.

Independence (from Cholesterol) Day

"Is two pounds of hamburger enough? I only have one pound of sausage and one pound of boudain - that's just four pounds of meat total."

"You do understand that you're the only person eating, right?"

"Well yeah. ...So, four pounds is enough?"

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I don't remember when it became a tradition, but for the past several Fourth of July Holidays, rather than going out and visiting family and friends, getting drunk, watching fireworks, or whatever other publicly endorsed forms of celebration most people engage in, I just eat. A lot.

Which, come to think about it, since this is America - The Land of the Double Cheeseburger, this may in fact be an acceptable undertaking for a country celebration. Until we get to the point where I'm having the above conversation in the Meats Aisle of the grocery store. When I say that I eat a lot, it's an understatement simply because the truth of the matter is frankly horrifying.

What I did this weekend:

1. Arrive at Grocery Store
2. Acquire Shopping Cart
3. Wander down Aisle #1
4. Place anything that looks remotely good in your cart
5. Repeat steps #3 & #4 for every aisle in the store
6. Check out

The only limitation on the above steps is that the total cost should not exceed $100.00. For a single person's meal. For one (albeit very long) day.

I ended up with: the aforementioned two pounds of hamburger, a pound of sausage, a pound of boudain, chips (var. types), Oreos, soft drinks, guacamole, dip, salsa, ice cream, fresh cherries, beef jerky, canned fruit, baked beans, multiple types of bread, condiments, onions, tomatoes, frozen appetizers, and candy (var. types).

But wait. Things that I forgot to pick up and will need to find before Wednesday: french fries, cheese (var. types), potato salad, crab salad, and pie (var. types). Also, I'm considering picking up a steak for dinner, just for completeness's sake.

See, now it looks like an overstatement. But no, I will actually eat all of that, or as much of it as possibly before I reach the point where I am unable to move under my own power. Basically my day will boil down to nothing but eating from 11:00am to 11:00pm. Usually this is accompanied by a Law & Order marathon on TNT, or perhaps the whole Lord of the Rings Trilogy on DVD. It's my one day of pure gluttony/sloth in the whole year. Pretty much just imagine that scene from Return of the Jedi with Jabba the Hutt, except fewer scantily clad women and more Jerry Orbach.

Usually it's quite the undertaking anyway, but this year is especially damning considering that I have been pretty much cholesterol free for 3 months. With the proposed level of fat intake, I firmly plan on stroking out right around 8:00 that night, just as the fireworks begin. But it will be entirely worth it, as there are very few things as fulfilling as purely hedonistic eating. If you never hear from me again, assume that I died doing the thing I loved most in the world - slamming down some pie.

Happy 4th of July everyone!