Like a Dr. Seuss Tale, In a Way

So I think we're far enough removed from the events now that I can go ahead and tell this story without flailing around like a prepubescent girl. But we'll see.

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About a week and a half before Christmas, I became completely convinced that there was a mouse in my apartment. I had no direct evidence at first. Only the slow disintegration of the gingerbread house that I left on the dining room table from our Christmas party. As the house wasn't so much made of "gingerbread" as it was "cardboard reconstituted to resemble a hard cookie with gingerbread flavoring," I had assumed it would be fine to leave out and among the elements.

But as more chunks of it would fall off, I became more suspicious, as it seemed very solid and rock-like when we were doing the construction. The final straw came when one morning I found that one of the artificial gingerbread trees in front of the house had been partially gnawed away. As I figured it (pretty) unlikely that Frnak had snuck in during the night and chewed down a bit of tree, I took this as real confirmation that there was indeed a mouse in the house. As it were.

I went to the store to buy some sort of mouse trapping device, after discussing it with Frnak and deciding that it would probably be a bad idea to just kill it outright. That's mean, right? Also, what if it died in the walls? We would have mouse stink, and also possibly a mouse ghost haunting our condo.

Sadly, though, as I was staring at the "humane" mouse deterrent devices in the store, I realized I had no idea what I would do if they actually worked. Most of these things centered around glue. As in a mouse would wander over this trap and be stuck to the glue. As if this solved the problem.

What are these people thinking? One morning I'm going to wake up and find a live mouse glued to a trap. And then what? Do I need to kill it on my own? Drive it to a farm and release it into the wild, minus its feet, which are permanently immersed in the glue? Reason with it until it understands human language and convince it to leave? This is not the mouse from The Rats of NIHM, or that delightful Pixar cartoon.

No sir, the glue was right out. As there was no full-on cage type trap, I was left only with the lethal alternatives. As I had horrifying visions of trying to set up a traditional mouse trap (spring + cheese + SNAP) and losing most of a finger just getting it set, I opted for the old standard of poison. It wasn't the most elegant solution, and it might someday have led to smells and haunting, but I couldn't wrap my mind around dealing with a mouse on my own terms. Poison it was.

My hunting instinct fully honed, I set up these little dishes of poison around various areas of the house and kept the place immaculately clean all the time leading up to and through Christmas.

Immediately we realized that indeed we did have a mouse. Possibly a giant colony of mice, in fact, judging on the amount of poison that was consumed during the first week of trap setting. This box of poison boasted that there was enough materials available to finish off 6-8 mice, and we were burning through the whole thing at a rapid pace. At that point I had visions of the opening scene from Ratatouille, expecting any morning to wake up and find a damnable mouse convention passed out dead in the middle of our floor, or ready to lead a coup d'etat of the apartment.

Either way, I was very tense for about 9 consecutive days there.

(Here we switch to the present tense to do a sort of stream-of-conscious sort of reliving, as I can't objectively run this part down.)

Around day 10 of MouseWatch '07, I'm idly minding my own business and playing around on the computer after a long day at work. Suddenly I sense a bit of movement out of the corner of my eye, and I see this little (gigantic!) brown mouse just sort of wandering around my room, all nonchalant-like, or possibly just horribly disoriented, based on its swerving sort of gait.

I make some manner of noise that I can't do justice to in print, but suffice it to say that even in the mouse's drunken state it recognized the signal of "a 12 year-old girl has just spotted me, perhaps I should hide" and wandered underneath my bed.

Y'all? Let's just pause a second. There was a tiny (gigantic!) brown mouse, alive and presently hiding under my bed. Odds are, if you're reading this, you probably know me. Imagine how you would expect that I would react. And then quadruple it. I never thought I had a real aversion to mice (it's not like they're clowns or something), but sweet damn I suddenly found my real fear of rodents in that moment. And it was under my bed!

I run down the hall to Frnak's room and enlist him to help deal with this situation. We both approach my room in the same manner as you see on a television sitcom when someone suspects that there is a burglar in their house, all peering around corners and easily yelping at light provocation. After examination of the room to verify that the mouse has not changed locations, we begin to formulate plans.

First things first.

Jason: Frank, grab my shoes.
Frnak: [Grabs Jason's shoes. Takes one and hands it to Jason. Takes the other, holds it by the toe and wields it like a club.]
Jason: Not as a weapon! I need to put them on! God!
Frnak: Well how am I supposed to know! We need to be able to defend ourselves.
Jason: (breathlessly) Defend ourselves?! It's a tiny mouse! We are totally bigger than it. But seriously, if that mouse were to run over my bare foot, I would have a heart attack and die right there. Wait wait wait. Are you actually planning on killing it? Oh good lord, you are, aren't you? (*Gasp and point*) And you were going to use my shoe to do it! Those are my brand new favorite shoes and you were going to ruin them with mouse blood!
Frnak: (turns and gives Jason a look)
Jason: Yeah, okay, I'll calm down.

The plan is formulated: I cannot kill a mouse. Frnak is less than certain that he can. I decide then that we're going to capture him and release him into the wild, far far away from our house. Suitably armed for such a task (Frnak's Weapon of Choice: White Styrofoam Ice Chest, Jason's WoC: Black Mesh Wire Trash Can from the Bathroom) I sneak over to the bed and start raising up the...

(Sidebar: What the hell is that thing called? The thing that hangs down over the box spring to the floor? Bed curtain? Hanging... yeah I have no idea. But it's that thing.)

... the thing an inch at a time, tucking it under the mattress, all the while expecting the mouse to come shooting out from underneath, possibly going straight for my eyes. An imagination is a terrible, terrible thing to have and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Finally the suspense is just too much for me and I decide to just move the bed altogether, indicating to Frnak that he should be ready to ice chest the little bastard the second we see him.

I move the bed to the left. No mouse. To the right. No mouse. Away from the wall. No mouse.

Frnak: If this mouse is a figment of your imagination, I swear to God I will beat you with this ice chest.
Jason: NO! It was totally there! I saw it.
Jason's Mind: Oh my God, what if I'm losing my mind? Imaginary mice? They commit people for that kind of thing.

Fueled by my visions of being sent to the nut house, I give the bed a mighty pull and move it entirely to the other side of the room.

Mouse!

Frnak: AHHHHHH!
Mouse: (runs and hides under my nightstand)
Jason: Dammit! What happened to the plan? You were supposed to catch it!
Frnak: I started to think you were making the whole thing up. I wasn't prepared!

So now we have a mouse under a tiny nightstand. Luckily, due to the fact that my apartment leaks heat faster than anything else in the world, I have already sealed off all of the exits to the room by stuffing clothing at the bottom of each door jamb. We know he cannot get out, it's only a matter of time.

That is until we move the nightstand and the mouse starts making his drunken way towards the closet. There is lots of shrieking and flailing, but little catching of the mouse. Somehow it worms its way through the blockade and into the closet.

There are several more minutes of shrieking, flailing, name-calling, and promises to burn every article of clothing the mouse touches, before finally the mouse is trapped under the wire mesh trashcan in the closet. Now we have a very angry mouse scaling the sides of its tiny prison, which is possibly more terrifying than when it was out on the loose. As Frnak leans down to take a closer look, the mouse turns and hisses at him, unnerving him practically to death. The mouse is a satan mouse. But we soldier on. Using our McGuyver-like instincts we upend the mouse, and seal him inside the trashcan with a piece of cardboard.

We make the very long trek from our apartment all the way to the expanse of woods that borders our apartment complex. I feel pretty confident that he's not going to be able to find his way back, seeing as there's a fence, a ditch, a huge lawn, a driveway, a dumpster, and three other apartment buildings he would have to traverse. Also, the little (gigantic!) guy is seriously lethargic, I'm not thinking he is long for this world anyways. I manage to finally shake him free of the trash can after several scary moments wherein I thought he would extract his revenge on me by forever clinging to the side of the can until the opportunity to feast on my flesh arose. He stumbles around drunkenly for a few seconds and then finally wanders into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.

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I should probably follow that entire story up with the postscript that we were incredibly lucky that a) it was just one mouse, and b) when we found him he had eaten 5 full servings of poison, because seriously had we met that mouse at full strength, it would have bested both of us and would now rule the apartment like a king.

But we did win, and I am happy to report there has not been even a mention of any further mousings, at all. (I've been keeping a vigorous watch over the poison, just in case.) I like to think that it's an all around triumph, even if there was a lot of shrieking and childish name-calling in the process. It's all about the ends, not the means.

Of Course there are more Year End Lists!

So I made it through the entire last 4 months of the year with exactly 3 days of illness, right up to New Year's Eve, when I was suddenly, unbelievably, violently ill. So rather than at a party with friends, I spent the last moments of the year freezing in my bathroom. I have absolutely the worst luck.

Anyways, I'm mostly recovered now. So what do we do? We write more year end lists!

First up: Critical Movie List!

Now that I've seen all the movies I plan on for 2007, I can hand out the imaginary awards in my mind. I missed several of the big award movies this year (noticeably - American Gangster, No Country for Old Men, and Charlie Wilson's War) but that doesn't slow me down a bit. Everything gets 5 nomination slots, one winner.

Best Motion Picture
Juno
Atonement
Michael Clayton
Lars and the Real Girl
Sweeney Todd

Notes: In my mind it's a three way race for #1 (Juno, Atonement, and Todd), and it was ridiculously hard to pick out the two lesser movies that made the cut on the best list. I eventually gave the bump up to the two movies with the most impressive acting. Also, it kills me that Zodiac couldn't make the cut.

Winner: In an utter battle royale, I give the win to Atonement, for sheer longlasting value. It's just amazing and it will stand the test of time, whereas I think Juno won't age quite as well, even if I would much prefer to watch Juno multiple times currently.

Best Director - Motion Picture
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
David Fincher - Zodiac
Neil Jordan - The Brave One
Tim Burton - Sweeney Todd
Joe Wright - Atonement

Notes: Jordan gets in by sheer lack of impressive candidates, since I didn't see any of the big director movies this year (American Gangster, No Country, and Into the Wild). This one is more a foregone conclusion than most, although I want to go on record as saying that Joe Wright did amazing things with Atonement, particularly the long shot at Dunkirk, which in any other year would have won him the award in a heartbeat.

Winner: But I was enthralled by Sweeney Todd, and almost entirely due to the direction. Tim Burton wins in a walk, for using his style without apology in a way that utterly enhances a story that is a perfect fit for it. Almost a stacked deck, in my opinion, but it's a textbook rendition of excellent direction.

Best Actor - Motion Picture
James McAvoy - Atonement
Ryan Gosling - Lars and the Real Girl
Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - The Lookout
George Clooney - Michael Clayton

Notes: I'm allowed my vices - Joseph Gordon-Levitt was flawless in that movie and I will not hear a word against him. And I atone for the preferential treatment of him by putting Clooney in there, even though I don't like him. I recognize a good performance when I see it. But man, seriously, I really don't like him.

Winner: McAvoy appeared at the end and gave him a run for his money, but Ryan Gosling still takes it. An amazing job - I swear, the movie would have been horrible had anyone else in the world had his part.

Best Actress - Motion Picture
Kiera Knightley - Atonement
Ellen Page - Juno
Helena Bonham Carter - Sweeney Todd
Kerri Russel - Waitress
Jodie Foster - The Brave One

Notes: This was the year for women's performances I loved. I would have no problem giving this to any one of the five without a second thought. Even Kerri Russel, who seems like the odd-woman-out up there until you think about her performance in Waitress and realize that she carried a complex movie on her shoulders without making it look like work. It nearly kills me to pick just one.

Winner: Helena Bonham Carter. I can't in good conscience give it to anyone else, although Page and Knightley are so close here that they can taste it. Just an uncommonly great year. But Knightley gets a lot of help in her movie from McAvoy and all the actresses who play Briony in Atonement, so she has a lesser degree of difficultly. And Page is just the opposite - she has the toughest job of all, since her character is written with such hard to swallow dialogue that her performance is elevated just because of what she had to work with. But Carter plays her role so perfectly - she gets Depp to work against, but also has to run the gamut of emotion, humor, and singing. I feel good with her as the big winner.

Best Supporting Actor - Motion Picture
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton
Jeremy Sisto - Waitress
Paul Schneider - Lars and the Real Girl
Alan Rickman - Sweeney Todd
Chris Cooper - Breach

Notes: Another tough one, as there are so many options (let's all take a moment to mourn Robert Downey Jr.'s exclusion for Zodiac). Sisto gets a nod for bringing untold levels of menace and character to a role that is so confusingly written, while Schneider gets one for having to play the straight man in the least comedic comedy in a long while. Both are hard roles, but for me it's a straight up dead heat between Chris Cooper and and Tom Wilkinson. Both had difficult parts that could make or break their respective movies...

Winner: But Chris Cooper gets the win in my mind, for elevating his movie from good to great based solely on his performance (Michael Clayton could stand on its own, as we'll soon see). Breach isn't winning a ton of awards by any measure, but he makes what could be an incredibly dull movie riveting, just in the character he creates.

Best Supporting Actress - Motion Picture
Jennifer Garner - Juno
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton
Emily Mortimer - Lars and the Real Girl
Romola Garai - Atonement

Notes: How much did I love Briony in Atonement? Yeah, two perfect performances there, by two different people. We're just lucky Vanessa Redgrave was only onscreen for, like, 5 minutes or we would have serious issues. A quick word of sadness that Emily Mortimer won't get a second of recognition for her great work in Lars, despite how perfect she was.

Winner: Because this is a knockdown, drag-out fight between Garner and Swinton, who are both the actual best things about both of their movies. But I give it to Swinton, hands down. She just has so little to work with, but is flawless throughout the whole movie. I love her so much in this part. (Garner gets a ton of help from the screenplay in her role, just because it gives her so much to work with.)

Other Quick Ones:
Best Screenplay - A fierce but short battle between Juno and Atonement, with Juno taking it by a hair. Even though I think the dialogue is trying at times, it's hard to do comedy and characters well, and the writing there really is great. I'm glad there will be two categories at the Oscars, though, so they can both win there.

Best Original Score - Atonement. Full stop. Just great.
Best Animated Feature - Ratatouille (I mean, come on.)

Whew. Now I'm exhausted, and I haven't even gotten to TV. This list making thing really takes it out of you. We'll see if we can't get more out later on.