Charity Man, Charity Man

In continuing the theme of charity and goodwill I've got going with the rice and my lack of vocabulary - y'all know I'm big on the Donors Choose, right? It's totally the best charity, because you get to pick out individual things to fund - right down to the classroom if you'd like. You know exactly where your contributions go and they're directly felt.

In just this past year I've been able to help autistic kids get context recognizing computer equipment AND send a busload of kids to the aquarium to see a real live shark. That's a pretty awesome non-profit, if I do say so myself.

And anyways, since I need a whole lot of good karma to survive, building it up by funding individual school projects seems like as good a method as any.

All of that to say that the last project I picked for funding - Clay and Origami for Inner City Dallas Kids is still $115 dollars short, and the timeline is already half over. So if you have some spare cash, you should look towards helping small children learn how to fold cool animals and/or shape them out of clay.

Because all kids should know how to fold things, and you know you could use the extra karma.

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I swear I'll get back to longwinded stories about injuring myself soon enough. (Also a recap of a crazy homecoming weekend, which saw me out in the world, doing real things. Crazy!)

Rice Vs. Vocabulary

Have you heard about Free Rice?

It's an online vocabulary game that donates 10 grains of rice to the WFP for every word that you correctly identify the definition of. It's pretty cool, in that you can do something good for the world (in a completely non-participatory way), and I really like that it strengthens the correlation between literacy and societal awareness.

But mostly, omigosh, I am obsessed with getting my Vocabulary Level up. Because I like to think of myself as pretty well-read, but I'll be damned if I can't get past level 45. It is destroying my way of life, and I swear this site is trying to make up words. I mean: "Nonesuch?" Isn't that the fake thing from Huckleberry Finn that they used to scam that one town? Or did I recently suffer a stroke?

Still, you should go play. Vocabulary is awesome. And won't you think of the children?

(But also, when you're thinking of the children try not to think of all the grains of rice that you are potentially depriving them of when you miss a word. Especially the easy ones. It will just make you sad.)

Equal Opportunity for Nephews

If we're gonna make this an old man blog, we might as well go all the way.

(Jason with Eli, the rockin' nephew)

Obligatory self-deprecation: Good Lord, could my jaw be any more massive? And you may want to wear shades, lest my pasty skin blind you.

But dang, isn't that a cute kid?

In Which I Triumph Over Double Cheeseburgers and Technology

Yearly Blood Test - Completed
# of Previous Diseases - 0
# of New Diseases - 0
Previous Cholesterol Score - 310
New Cholesterol Score - 162!

If there was a show call Biggest Cholesterol Loser, I would totally be winning right now.

So can I finally go back to eating McDonalds twice a week?
What do you mean I have to continue the diet to keep the cholesterol where it is?!

Y'all, I am so tired of fat-free milk and no red meat, you have no idea.

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I swore to myself that I wouldn't turn this into an old man blog. But I love this picture with reckless abandon:

(Jason and Julia, the tiniest niece in the world)

Does it worry anyone else that my cheekbone juts out enough in that picture that it looks like I might have a tumor? Or that my skin is so oily you can almost see the reflection of the camera in my pores?

Just me? Okay.

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So, as I alluded to in my last entry, I got home this weekend and decided to rearrange my room.

Or to be way more long-winded about it (naturally), I got home and found the wireless Internet to be in complete disarray. After my normal tinkering did a whole lot of nothing, I decided to finally break down and spring for a new router and wireless card. Preferably ones that were made after the year 2000, in opposition to the coconut-radio/squirrel-powered system I had running right then.

At Best Buy, I was told by the (bastard) helpful salesman that the new router he handed me would not only be faster and have a longer range, it would totally be plug-and-play with our current system, as it was the same brand, just an upgraded model.

Yeah - that was a (fucking) lie of the highest order. I'm not even remotely kidding. The two systems were so far apart that just booting up the new router to accept signals meant rigging up an elaborate system of hardwired Ethernet cords that stretched the length of the house, setting up about four different trip-wire type booby traps at various doorways. And that installing the controlling drivers for the card and router somehow disabled my DVD drive.

And that once I got that fixed, and the router was up and running, it turned out that "backwards compatible" didn't so much mean that it would work with older standards of wireless. Instead it meant that you could configure the router to run the old standard or the new standard. Not both. So since I had a new wireless card and Frank had an old one, only one of us would be getting to use the Internet at any given time.

And on top of that, my "faster, wider-range connection" was actually running at 35% of the strength of my old coconut/squirrel connection. Plus, did I mention that for the router to set up a wireless connection with a computer, the computer had to first be physically connected to the router? Is that not the most insane thing you've ever heard?

But whatever. After, literally, 4 hours of brute force hacking away at the network, rather than A) go all Sophie's Choice between Frank's and my Internet, or B) destroy the new non-working devices with an axe (my favorite option), we decide for secret option C) take back the $200+ system and go buy a $30 length of Ethernet cable and just hardwire both of our rooms to the Internet.

This process took all of 5 minutes to set up, used the old reliable router, and the only drawback was one long cord that ran the length of the living room and hallway, along the wall. I will take the decorating hit to save my sanity. And new direct connections mean delicious Internet with absolutely no waiting, signal loss, or devious neighbors sucking my bandwidth dry like hungry mosquitoes at a 4th of July picnic.

Anyways, the result of this (horrifyingly boring) story is that running the line into my bedroom was much easier if my desk was on the opposite wall from my normal room configuration. And being the obliging person that I am (along with my deep-seated compulsion to rearrange furniture all the time - thanks dad!) I did a full reorg of the room.

I think the result is an even better layout than the original one, and I loved the original. It makes the room look bigger and draws your eye immediately to my fancy bookshelf, rather than my unmade bed like before. Plus this time there's no awkward wasted section of the room - one that I had previously filled with a single trash can and an unplugged standing lamp.

The only downside to the new setup comes in my morning routine. Before, I used to roll out of bed to my left, hit the alarm, and then walk to the shower, all in one fluid motion. Now I have to hit the alarm first, and then roll out to the right, and walk around the bed to the shower. Because if I forget and do it the old way, I get a facefull of wall. And I apparently roll out of bed really forcefully.

Because, OW.

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Behold all my triumphs and despair, you's guys.

Stupid Things I Did On My Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me!

• Forgot that I rearranged my room last night and as a result ran into a wall headfirst as I climbed out of bed
• Sliced open three parallel gashes on my left index finger while shaving with my new 5-bladed vibrating razor of death
• Got caught lip synching to The 88 on the elevator going into the office
• Dropped an entire carton of legal sized bond paper on my foot from a height of 7 feet
• Sliced open a single huge gash in the palm of my left hand while handling the heavy cardstock (the ultimate paper cut)
• Almost missed my chair when sitting down while simultaneously answering the phone, and in the process hit myself in the face with the phone handset
• Got caught lip synching to The Hush Sound on the elevator going to lunch
• Poked myself in the eye with a rogue paperclip
• Almost ran over a small child riding his scooter in the middle of my apartment complex
• Ate a gigantic spoonful of rainbow chip frosting by itself, suffering through the resulting sugar high
• Somehow strained my back while sleeping off the further-resulting sugar crash

Woo, getting older!

The Worst Conversation to Start a Friday On

Receptionist: So, got any big plans for this weekend?

Jason: Nothing too special - going out to dinner with my family on Saturday; it's my birthday this Monday.

Receptionist: Really?! How old will you be? Wait, don't tell me, I'm really good at guessing.

[She eyes Jason up and down carefully.]

Receptionist: 32!

Jason: Uh, 26 actually.

Receptionist: Ohhh... Well, I probably estimated high because... you seem so mature.

[Jason nods, with a tight smile.]

Jason: Of course.

Fin

Marketing Shill

It's been a while since I did one on those weird posts where I go on and on about things I'm currently addicted to, right? I feel like doing one today.

Current Musical Obsession: The Hush Sound - Like Vines

Y'all, I have no explanation for my love of this CD. Normally my music reviews are unintelligible as a rule, but this time I don't even have a genre to reference. It's definitely not rock, it's doesn't even really feel like traditional pop. Maybe pop-rock, but even lighter, or punk-pop with a softer edge.

Frankly, the closest thing I can think of is a cross between Ben Folds and the Dresden Dolls, only totally different.

Whatever, why do I even try? It's a great CD, super short (like 35 minutes) and I have listened to it approximately 25 times in the last week.

Current Video Game Obsession - Picross DS

Take a square grid - 10x10, 15x15, or 20x20 - and delimit along the edge of each row and column of the grid the order and length of its filled-in squares. When you have followed those rules for every row and column, a picture will be formed.

Everyone has played Picross before, right?

This game combines everything great about that game, only it's easier than ever because you can use the stylus pen to fill in all the information, and there are tons and tons of themes for how each grid is filled in. Also, the game is only $20 and has so many puzzles that I've been working through them every day for more than two months and still haven't finished them all.

Easily the most game for my money since I bought that used copy of Smash Brothers for the Gamecube like 5 years ago.

Current TV Obsession(s), Ranked in Increasing Order of Enthusiasm

• How I Met Your Mother - My fervor continues unabated
• Pushing Daisies - Yeah, we've gone over it, but also add on They Might Be Giants to that list of my button-pushing issues. God, I love this show.
• Ugly Betty - Still good but mostly forgettable. Except! Gay dating so cute that I grew reflexively bitter just watching it, considering my current travails. Still, so nice, and organic, and *swoon*.
• Dirty Sexy Money - Donald Sutherland gave the best line reading I've ever heard in my entire life this week, and the only thing he said was "Justin Timberlake?" You had better be watching this show. (Oh, and did I mention that the resident heartthrob on show sang a drunken karaoke version of All By Myself, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer-briefs, while standing on the Brooklyn Bridge? Because he did.)
• The Office - Absolutely the best returning show this fall. Less painfully awkward than we've come to expect, and I think it's better for it. Also, I think I have a literal emotional investment in the Jim/Pam relationship. That's not healthy, y'all.

Current Personal Obsession - Turning 26

Twenty-six, you guys. Otherwise known as The Downslope to Thirty. The depression, it is like a deep, deep well. You've got a little over nine days to prepare yourselves for birthday week, when I will more than likely offer up my very own rendition of the above-mentioned scene from Dirty Sexy Money - better than half naked, smashed, and belting out All By Myself to a crowd mostly unconcerned well-wishers. Although probably not on the Brooklyn Bridge.

How I Met Paranoia

Okay, so I'll assume everyone watched How I Met Your Mother last night, because why wouldn't you? I mean, it's awesome.

So since you watched it, you know that the show has officially hit its hilarious stride again after floundering for a couple episodes to start the third season. This was the fifth episode of the year, titled How I Met Everyone Else, wherein Ted recounts to a new girlfriend the various ways he was introduced to the whole gang.

This functions as a wonderful plot device, and has the side effect of letting us see college Ted with the crazy hair and decorative spectacles, an image that never fails to crack me up. But the biggest laughs of the night come from Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, which is the device he uses to determine the date-ability of girls, wherein a potential mate must have a hotness to crazy ratio of at least 1:1 to fall in the datable realm.

Which is funny, right? I mean, I should know - seeing as I wrote that exact post, 3 years ago! (Which has since been spammed to hell and back, btw.) Granted mine did not have a fancy air-drawn graph, or the hottness of Neil Patrick Harris doing the explaining. But the math is right there! I even provided (provode? provided.) examples! (See show? I can steal jokes too.)

Dammit, TV! Quit digging through my life for your plotlines!


(And yes, I'm aware that now I look completely crazy, as this is two consecutive posts detailing how the magic box in my living room is stealing my ideas and presenting them as its own. Just leave me to my rantings.)

Self Involvement at Its Peak

Do you ever get the feeling your whole life is a small part of a gigantic Truman Show-like experiment? Plenty of people have told me they get these notions, when it seems like life is catering to their needs seemingly more so than would an unforgiving natural world. In simpler, less-media soaked times I would assume people would chalk it up to religion, fate, karma, or whatever.

Usually I don't get these feelings, primarily because my life is boring almost all of the time, and if there was a show based around me, it would have been cancelled ages ago.

That said, I think there's a 70% chance that the new television show Pushing Daisies was created specifically with me in mind. As in, someone sat down and polled my friends, read my blog, tracked down my myspace, and then secretly observed me from the nearby bushes for several days until they had a nice long list of things that appeal to me. Then they took said list and combined all the items in such a way as to make me entirely unable to look away from an utterly ridiculous show about a man who brings people back from the dead (but only for 60 seconds).

Don't believe me? Take a look at a list of major and minor plot points from just the first three episodes:

• Cute boy with an unrelentingly amazing smile (my one true weakness)
• Tons of Pie (no wait, that's my one true weakness)
• Small, dark-haired, earnestly-optimistic-pretty girl (we've gone over my issues with the whole Regina Spektor, Zooey Deschanel, Mary-Louise Parker thing, right?)
• Difficulties with physical closeness
• Accents
• Musicals (particularly featuring Wicked and/or Olivia Newton-John)
• Cheeses
• Beaver themed t-shirts
• (Also, the term "Beaver Boy" used in the non-entendre way that is usually reserved for myself)
• Appallingly sappy love stories
• Big-time vocabulary words and resulting wordplay and puns (The Pie Hole. Seriously.)
• Eating disorders

Okay, I'll give you the fact that many of these things are pretty universally loved (or experienced), on their own. But all taken together at once? Unlikely. Many a gay boy may love his musicals, cute guys, and love stories, but would he also like beavers and big vocabularies? A gourmand who is a nature lover might adore pie, cheese, and have an affinity for beavers and other aquatic mammals, but probably wouldn't be a big musical fan.

What I'm saying is that if it's not directly aimed at me, it's targeting a very, very tiny slice of a demographic that I happen to reside in.

I do take comfort in the fact that there are some quirks to the show which are not directly tailored to me, which gives hope to my non-paranoid side. There is a feature of knitting, which does not apply to me (I can only crochet), and there is the bit with the one-eyed mermaid aunts (so far as I know, I have no relatives in the side-show industry, disfigured or otherwise. I did have that stint as a carny, but I don't think that counts).

Anyways, mostly what this boils down to is that I love this show so much that it hurts. It almost feels like narcissism - loving this show is like loving a part of myself - but without most of the gross connotations that usually brings up.

So that means that all y'all should watch it. Because you're entertained by me, right? Therefore it stands to reason that the show will also entertain you. Although you may go into a diabetic coma from the resulting sweetness. (That's the other thing that doesn't really fit - I'm waaay more jaded than this show. But it's still early. I was once idealistic too. Give it until sweeps to get dark.)

Oh, and also if any future episodes center around badminton, I'm officially going to sue. I'm pretty sure they've got one of those disclaimers that runs during the credits about any similarities to people living or dead being purely coincidental, but one more match and I bet I could convince a panel of 12 people that I'm not that crazy.

My Kingdom for a Hot Spring and a Question

The hot water main that runs directly below my building in my apartment complex exploded sometime early in the morning yesterday. As my HOA association/maintenance regulators are apparently some type of sloth/human hybrids, they did not get around to calling public works on this matter until about 4:00 that afternoon. Which meant that my condo has been without hot water for just over 29 hours as of this writing.

Do you know how many vital parts of my life are dependent on hot water? Way more than I ever stopped to consider. No hot water means: no shaving without ridiculous pain. No shower that I could make it through without shattering all my teeth from the constant chattering. Only the Cold/Cold option available on the washer, even when I'm doing my white t-shirts that really benefit from a hot cycle. No using my neti pot to clear up my horrifying sinuses. (Which, btw, I've somehow become entirely dependent on, if the utterly clogged nature of my nose today is any indication. Oh, and the crippling pain from the sinus headache. As soon as I try and be nice and do something helpful for my body, it immediately becomes wickedly lazy and refuses to do that job anymore. My body is stupid and teenager-ish.)

If I get home tonight and I don't have the ability to take a long, hot, luxurious, and super-girly shower, I'm going to go on a rampage unlike midtown Dallas has ever seen. You'd best not come between me and my exfoliation routine. My skin is a trainwreck as is. I'll end you just as soon as look at you.

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A Question of Etiquette:

Say you're in a public bathroom at a urinal and someone in a nearby stall answers their cell phone, starting up a business call. While they're... well you know.

Is it rude to just haul off and flush when you're finished with your task? I mean, it's not like it's your fault that some fool has the manners of a wild dingo. But at the same time, do you need to bust him so hard like that, dropping a gigantic "He's on the can!" anvil in the middle of his conversation? Or if it's a just a real quick Q&A call that isn't going to last more than 30 seconds? And what if it's a really important call and the caller gets offended that it's being conducted in a not-fully-sanitized location? It's not like an unflushed urinal is going to be that much of a hassle to anyone, right?

But on the other hand, common decency means not answering your phone at that particular moment, no?

I had a 25 second crisis of conscience on this exact subject earlier today. I know what I did, but I really wonder what the proper response should have been.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Paring Down, for the Good of Mankind (and Your Brain)

I have gone out into the TV fields, striking down those that disappoint, and nurturing those with promise. Behold the results of the culling! May you delight in the good, join in lament of the fallen, and laugh bitterly at how much I hate Grey's Anatomy now.

Monday!

What to Watch:

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS 7:00-7:30) - Okay, so this season is going pretty bad so far. It has had its really good moments, but overall the cast isn't quite gelling, and the storylines are way to rushed for a 30 minute block. But stick with it people! It took 6 episodes for Season 2 to get going. Don't worry, there are plenty of good individual lines to keep your faith up. (Confidential to the show: Stop sucking! I told these guys you were cool!)
• Heroes (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Wow, so the sophomore slump is hitting, and hard. I'm still compelled to watch, but seriously, they need to kick the show back into gear and hard. There was enough repetition in those first three episodes that it realistically was only about 1.5. Also, damn y'all need to work on your green screen scenes. Those were '80s level painful.

Notes from the discarded:

• Journeyman (NBC 9:00-10:00) - Completely unable to keep my attention. Tried and failed hard.
• Chuck (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Really not bad at all. Actually funny, and is getting better as the characters are fleshed out. But looking at it realistically, I'm not going to be able to keep up, unless How I Met Your Mother becomes irredeemably bad (Note: This cannot happen. I refuse to consider it.). Maybe I can catch up when things hit reruns? For now, though, it's a sad farewell to cute, cute, ever so cute geeks. And Adam Baldwin.
• Samantha Who? (ABC 8:30-9:00) - Seriously, I'm not even sure this show ever even came on. Heroes ruined any chance it ever had.

Tuesday!

What to watch:

• Uhh, yeah, nothing here. Scary.

Notes from the discarded:

• Biggest Loser (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Still watching, sort of, but not religiously, as they seem to view filler as the primary ingredient of a show, rather than, y'know, things actually happening. Still totally have a crush on the Black Team Trainer, though. She's amazing.
• Reaper (CW 8:00-9:00) - I... dunno. It's not bad, but that second episode did nothing to earn additional affection after the pilot, and the sidekick guy's antics got old so fast I almost got whiplash. Maybe it will take time to develop. I'll probably give it a couple more shots if I have nothing else to do, but it's not appointment viewing.

Wednesday!

What to Watch:

• Pushing Daisies (ABC 7:00-8:00) - It started late, so we still only have the pilot to go by, but seriously. Just so good. The dialogue! It lives right here, in my heart. The sweetness might be a bit much over time, but like I've ever let sweetness ruin anything for me.
• Dirty Sexy Money (ABC 9:00-10:00) - Oh sweet damn. Came out of nowhere, and is literally my favorite new show of the season so far. Donald Sutherland is incredible and the plot gets the perfect mixture of comedy and drama. Heavy emphasis on the comedy. Some seriously unexpected hilarious timing in this cast. There are some flaws, but by far the most promising entry out there.

Notes from the discarded:

• Private Practice (ABC 8:00-9:00) - The pilot was lame, but made me cry like a little girl. The second episode was painful but better at working with the characters. Then I realised that I couldn't care less about this show and there were tons of other things I'd rather be doing that watching it. That's a bad sign, y'all.
• America's Next Top Model (CW 7:00-8:00) - Still watching, but during rerun times, as it conflicts with Pushing Daisies. It looks like it could be a good cycle. Makeovers are soon!
• Gossip Girl (CW 8:00-9:00) - This is what you should be watching instead of Private Practice. Hilarious and awesome in just that trashy way we were hoping for. But the ratings have been so bad I refuse to get sucked in just to have it pulled out from under me. Damn you Shonda Rhimes! Is there no end to the things you will ruin? (see: Thursday)

Thursday!

What to Watch:

• Ugly Betty (ABC 7:00-8:00) - YES! Finally a returning show that came back strong and is actively getting better. Sooo good.
• The Office (NBC 8:00-8:30) - Oh man. Everything I could have hoped for. Although the hour long format is way too much. It's a much better show at 30 minutes - tighter, more focused, less prone to overkill. But still absolutely hilarious throughout every episode so far. Plus, the Jim/Pam thing was almost enough to kill me dead. I love them so much.

Notes from the discarded:

• Grey's Anatomy (ABC 8:00-9:00) - George: "I love you too." Aaaaand I'm out! (No wait, I have more: Couldn't have done a better job of sabotaging every appealing character on the show, except maybe to have Bailey kill a puppy on air. Seriously: HATE)
• Survivor: China (CBS 7:00-8:00) - Not a bad start at all, but I'm waiting for the real hook, and it just can't compete with Ugly Betty right now. I'll still stay in the loop, though. Mildly compelling stuff. Plus: a tiny competitor named Frosti, and a gay Mormon flight attendant? Talk about your inspired casting.

Friday!

What to Watch:

• Friday Night Lights (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Sweet unholy damn. That had best not be representative of the rest of this season. I can't handle this level of disappointment. Between this and How I Met Your Mother, I feel like all of last season was just a lie! *Deep Breath* Give it time, give it time.
• Women's Murder Club (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Still hasn't aired yet, but the FNL showing has opened the door wide for this show to jump right in. Yikes.

Sunday!

What to Watch:

• Yeah, I lied, I haven't watched a second of TV on Sunday except for football during the day, and I've yet to miss any of it.

Y'all? That is only three and a half hours of shows that are actually good right now (Ugly Betty, Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, The Office). What the hell happened to TV? I suppose it's for the best, anyways. I've heard the outdoors are really in right now.

Returning to Form

Aw y'all. I neglect because I love. Or something like that.

Anyways, back into the groove. Housekeeping notes to get going:

• I'm an uncle! Okay, so technically I was already an uncle as of 4 months ago, but I am again. My sister had a tiny baby girl, who is very cute and has the best name, and who I hope to see in person very soon, as I missed out due to a protracted bout of illness going into this weekend. Woo, family!
• The weekend before that I managed to use my uncling skills for two whole days watching the aforementioned 4 month old nephew out in East Texas. The fact that the two of us are both still alive is a wonderful testament to the resiliency of the boy, and my blind and total luck. Also, he's a ridiculously cute child. Finally, our family genes kicking in where it counts: in adorableness!
• The ultra sickness that I had for approximately 42 hours at the end of last week had better count as the one illness that I always get come each Fall. Because if it was just a preview, I will be most displeased. I don't think I can take much more of that.
• I survived OU/Texas weekend relatively unscathed, and in the process completed my first night staying out until dawn in at least 14 months. Which, while really fun, helped me realize that even though I am not incredibly old physically, I have a seriously old mentality. Which I think I'm okay with, all things considered.
• I have a new and unwavering obsession with finally finishing up my apartment outfitting, after 4 months of relative complacency. Primarily, I'm desperate to find curtains for the living room. And lampshades to match. I have no idea where this domestic urge has come from, but it is so strong I can feel it in my bones.

And that's about that. More stories and actual full entries to come. Also, stay tuned for a new TV update very shortly, as I think I'm finally ready to lock in to a realistic viewing schedule based on the first two weeks of the new fall season.

Woo, it's nice to be back.

Comfort Update + Get Psyched, Yo

A quick note, because I'm sure you were all worried - Holy shit, y'all, the pillow situation is sorted out, and it's awesome. Back problems are gone, and I'm getting some serious amounts of sleep. Enough so that I managed to hit my alarm at least twice this morning and go back to sleep without ever consciously waking up. Sure I was colossally late for work, but sweet damn am I ever refreshed. Vive la memory foam!

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Today, we will take our important lesson of the day from How I Met Your Mother (as you should everyday).

"He's always sad these days. He should be like me. Whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story. "
- Barney

You heard the man. Been feeling sad lately? Stop it and be awesome instead! And what's a better way to feel awesome than a truly spectacular Get Psyched Mix CD? Nothing, that's what!

Jason's Get Psyched Mix, Vol. 1

1. New Shoes - Paolo Nutini (to start off happy, but not too excited)
2. Add Your Light to Mine - Lucky Soul (okay, now we're happy AND excited)
3. Shake Me (vocal mix) - Mint Royale (AND now we're grooving)
4. Inaction - We Are Scientists (from grooving to rocking)
5. Little of Your Time - Maroon 5 (full on rocking out)
6. Blue Song - Mint Royale (down a little bit, but still grooving)
7. Not Enough - The 88 (still bringing it down)
8. When Your Mind's Made Up - Glen Hansard (Once OST) (all the way down)
9. Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoobye (start bringing it back up, but still low key. A song to dance to.)
10. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers (rising, and now you have to dance and sing along too.)
11. This Ain't a Scene - Fall Out Boy (back to the rocking)
12. Here It Goes Again - OK Go (almost fully psyched)
13. Grace Kelly - Mika (happiness to full, rocking out to max, now properly psyched)

Feel free to mix and match. If anyone has suggestions of songs to properly raise your happiness quotient, leave a note. I need happiness inducing music, people.

Mo' Comfort, Mo' Problems

Last week I realized that the pillows on my bed were somewhat lacking in the comfort department. Probably because they were each anywhere from 5 to 7 years old and had the approximate shape of a pancake. A very thin pancake. Enough so that I could stack all four on top of each other and still rest my head easily without bending my neck. But really, it could have been anything. All I knew was that I needed some new pillows.

So I went out into the world. Which of course means I went to Target, as there are two of them within a quarter mile of my house and the world is a dangerous place. One should always stay close to home if possible. Coincidentally, they were having a sweet sale on those memory foam type pillows, to the tune of 60% off regular prices. So it was only 2 dollars more to upgrade from a regular pillow, full of whatever normal pillows are full of (cotton or poly blend or gravel, I don't really know), to a deluxe pillow full of space age materials(tm) and cutting-edge technology(also tm).

Obviously I made the upgrade, because I'm futuristic like that. And really, I love it. I carry the new pillow around the house with me now, like a 5 year old with a blanket, and it's crazy awesome and totally does conform to the exact shape of my pointy head. It's true, the future is now!

However.

It's been something like 3 nights sleeping on this new pillow and omigosh do my neck and back ache now. Intense soreness up and down the entire length of my body, as if I'd been doing rowing exercises for hours on end. I can think of nothing else in my world that has changed, except the pillow. And I certainly haven't been rowing anywhere lately, so it's a pretty straightforward causation.

But I don't want to give up my new pillow of joy. Just like the box says, I do spend way less time at night tossing and turning (I used to wake up 4 or 5 times a night, lately it's maybe twice per sleep), and it really is awesomely comfortable. It's just going through the day at work with the incredible shooting pains and the resultant moaning that is causing the trouble.

Isn't that always the way? I finally have a comfortable night's sleep and I develop old-man back problems. I'm hoping that it's just an adjustment period, that my body needs some time to get used to properly supported neck issues while I'm asleep, like I'm correcting my crooked back issues while via bed-shaping. A fancy pillow is just like a scoliosis brace, right? That's totally possible. Let me have my delusions, whilst I clutch my wonderful new pillow to my chest.

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Incidentally, while I'm expounding on sleeping issues, I kinda really want to get a new bed. I still get jealous to this day that Frnak's bed is so fancy and tall, while mine seems to be a remnant of post-collapse Soviet Russia, in terms of features and appearance. Plus, the egg crate pad that I got to upgrade its status to "European Hostel level" is sized for a Super-Long Twin, while the bed itself is a Full. Meaning that not only is it only soft and sleepable directly in the center of the bed, the pad is so long that it hangs off the end and there are precipitous drop offs on either side of the bed. If perchance you roll over in the middle of the night, there's an incredibly high chance you're heading right to the floor, based on your accrued momentum. This is not conducive to sleep.

But I promised myself there would be no more large purchases in my immediate future, considering the acquisition of New Car and the resulting Crippling Financial Obligations it entails. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold out, though. The call of a new mattress, possibly a queen sized one with a pillowtop, is very strong in my mind.

Save Me, TV!

I've been meaning to do this for weeks now, but I keep getting distracted. So back in May I did an upcoming fall TV preview, but now that I've had a whole summer to follow the news and watch some of the pilots, I can come up with a real fall TV schedule to follow.

Obviously it's just a rough guideline, as it usually only takes 2 weeks before the entire carefully mapped plan is shot to hell, but it's fun to try and guess which things will/won't suck.

Monday!
What to Watch:

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS 7:00-7:30) - Don't make me explain why again. Just do it. Many Moore is guest starring in the first episode!
• Aliens in America (CW 7:30-8:00) - I'm still incredibly doubtful about this show (incredibly) but I've had two different people tell me that it's way better than it should be. Since there's nothing else vying for it's timeslot it gets a watch for a while.
• Heroes (NBC 8:00-9:00) - Because it was the best new show last year that was not about Texas football, and it should hopefully acquit itself well in a second season (but will probably end up sucking).
• Journeyman (NBC 9:00-10:00) - I really doubt this will keep my interest beyond a couple of episodes, but the previewing stuff I've seen thus far makes it look at least solid. Filler, but well produced filler.

What to Tape:

• Chuck (NBC 7:00-8:00) - This actually looks good. Really good. Color me crazy shocked. It would get priority over basically anything, except it manages to conflict with my favorite show in the world, so sorry about that computer nerd - you're regulated to the VCR. I fully expect to get bored with Journeyman by week three and putting Chuck in its place, though.
• Samantha Who? (ABC 8:30-9:00) - I get conflicting reports, and the fact that the name has changed during the summer is a little worrying, but I'll follow Christina Applegate for a little while. It's on a very short leash, though, because I'm already booked solid for Mondays.

Also Rans:

• The Big Bang Theory - In a fall full of horrible new shows, this may well be the worst of the lot. So, so, so bad. Hopefully the pilot was just a fluke of horrible, but no. Watch out.
• K-Ville - I've heard good things, actually, but have not an ounce of desire to see this show. Feel free to use your own judgement there.

Tuesday!
What to Watch:

• Biggest Loser (NBC 7:00-8:00) - Okay, not that you should watch this, just that I am watching this. (Full disclosure, y'all. We have no secrets here.) It's such a ridiculous and inane show, but it's compelling in exactly that reality TV way that gets to me (see also: America's Next Top Model). Also it helps to be on a night when there's nothing else on.
• Reaper (CW 8:00-9:00) - After further consideration, I'm way more excited about this show than I was. It also helps that Fox burned all those extra episodes of The Loop over the summer and I developed a crush on Bret Harrison. After the announcement that they're kinda bringing back Dead Like Me next summer, I'm really big on all three "interacting with dead people" TV shows. Is that weird?

What to Tape: N/A

Also Rans:

• Cavemen - The only thing worth noting about this show is whether or not it will wrest the title of worst new show away from The Big Bang Theory or not. Ugh.
• Carpoolers - This one is sort of an enigma, because the pilot has some funny lines in it, and some vaguely nice chemistry among the cast. But the premise looks dumb and painfully stereotypical. Pass. Sorry Jerry O'Connell. Man, Sliders sure was a long time ago, wasn't it?
• Cane - I feel like I should watch this (first you get the sugar, then you get the power...) but all the previews have left me incredibly cold. I might tune in once or twice, just to make sure I'm not missing anything.
• House - I still don't get it. Every week it's the same goddamn thing. Namely - "You're risking a patient's life!"

Wednesday!
What to Watch:

• Pushing Daisies (ABC 7:00-8:00) - Still love, still want to watch so hard. And now I realize that I actually recognize almost the entire cast, but they're all just Hey It's That Guy types. Anyways, this even takes precedence over Tyra and ANTM, so you know I must be excited.
• Private Practice (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Damn you Kate Walsh! Always getting me sucked in. I have little doubt that this show will suck in short order, but I'm still giving it a shot. I should have my head examined.
• Dirty Sexy Money (ABC 9:00-10:00) - It's been far too long since I've been sucked in by a night-time crazy soap opera. Hopefully this will be good. Please be good.

What to Tape:

• America's Next Top Model (CW 7:00-8:00) - Despite being my top priority guilty pleasure, it gets delegated to taped status. Sorry show. Stay fabulous.

Also Rans:

• Kid Nation - I kinda want to watch it after all the controversy, but can't imagine it being good, even for the camp/child endangerment factors. Y'all let me know how it turns out, okay?
• Bionic Woman - I won't lie, the previews are actually pretty tempting. If the Private Practice sucks I'm going to be jumping ship here or to -
• Gossip Girl - who's preview seems to be nothing but trash, except it might be trashy in a good way. That "might" should be bolded, italicized, and in giant font, though.

Thursday!
What to Watch:

• Ugly Betty (ABC 7:00-8:00) - Good for America Ferrera and her Emmy win. A good show that I hope keeps up its momentum (Real quick aside on the Emmys: I wish that Michael Urie had been nominated for Supporting Actor, and really wish that Neil Patrick Harris had won it. Jeremy Piven? Pardon my language, but fuck that.)
• Grey's Anatomy (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Oh Grey's. You're hanging by a thread. Stray but a little, and your out like the bag of garbage in my kitchen that should have been tossed at least a week ago. Just so you know.
• Tim Gunn's Guide to Style (Bravo 9:00-10:00) - Until they finally get around to putting out Season 4 of Project Runway, I need to get my Tim Gunn fix somewhere.

What to Tape:

• Survivor: China (CBS 7:00-8:00) - Did anyone else watch last season? It was really, really good. How weird was that? I'm not sure if I'll religiously watch, but I'll at least keep in the loop on the show.
• The Office (NBC 8:00-8:30) - Second most anticipated show in my mind. Only getting taped because I'm not feeling the Scrubs lately so if I watch Grey's when it actually airs, I can avoid an additional half hour of TV watching. Plus, then I get to have The Office on tape to watch over and over again.

Also Rans:

• 30 Rock - Actually, everything else on this night is completely forgettable or returning, but I wanted to throw a little note in here to say that 30 Rock is super funny and if I wasn't already booked I would be pushing this show hard. As it is I'm really hoping this will be one of those shows you can catch on the internets so I won't have to miss it. Genuinely hilarious.

Friday!
What to Watch:

• Friday Night Lights (NBC 8:00-9:00) - I get twitchy with excitement for this show's return. I hate that it's on Fridays, since I never watch TV on Friday, but I love it enough that I'll make an exception.

What to Tape:

• Women's Murder Club (ABC 8:00-9:00) - Oh, you would schedule the only two interesting shows on Friday at the same time, wouldn't you? I'm weirdly looking forward to this one.

Also Rans:

• Moonlight - Vampire detective not named Angel, and not written by Joss Whedon. Epic Fail. Incidentally, the pilot sucks eggs.

Sunday!
What to Watch:

• The Simpsons (FOX 7:00-7:30) - It'll be on forever, I am powerless to its charms.
• King of the Hill (FOX 7:30-8:00) - Watching this show in syndication, it really holds up well over time. In lots ways, it's been stronger than The Simpsons over the past several seasons.
• Brothers and Sisters (ABC 9:00-10:00) - I've finally been won over by all the supporters, I'll at least give it a try. I've heard there is boykissing.

What to Tape: N/A

Also Rans:

• Desperate Housewives - Not even Nathan Fillion can bring me back. That really shouldn't be possible, but really, that's how over this show I am.
• Viva Laughlin - After all my hopes and anticipation, it's bad. Tragic bad. Let's all shed a single tear, and then move on.

--------------------

Now I go back over that list and realize that I'm totally screwed, as this new lame digital cable means that I can't tape one show and watch another at the same time. Man, Time Warner sucks so hard. Anyways, that's the gameplan. Follow along and see how wildly off my predictions are!

Office of Death

I was idly minding my own business on Monday afternoon, wading through various piles of mortgage documents at my desk, when suddenly everything in the office took on a strobe-light quality. All the lights, along with every electrical device, started rapidly flickering off and on. After verifying that I wasn't having a stroke or seizure and this was actually happening in the real world, I went sprinting around the office trying to unplug all the computers and monitors, since I vaguely remembered something from my computer science days about power surges being bad for computers.

That went on for about 3 minutes, non-stop. During that time, my boss patiently continued the phone conversation she was conducting at her desk, while I ran through the office like a frightened squirrel, unplugging things. Finally everything in the office shut down entirely for a couple of seconds and the backup generators came up. That gave us power to the lights in the office, but pretty much nothing else. Also, that meant that the air conditioning stopped blowing, so we could smell the unmistakable scent of an electrical fire.

After some additional frightened squirrel running on my part to verify that nothing in our office was currently aflame, we tried to decide on the best course of action at this point. I was all for bolting for the nearest exit and huddling in the parking lot until a burly fireman personally assured me that the threat of fire was gone. But my boss decided that instead of frightened huddling, we should stay in the office and contact everyone we were working with to let them know we had lost power, so they wouldn't think we had just stopped working because we're slackers. I was slightly against making conversational business calls while the office building around us was consumed in flames, but as I couldn't find any source of fire or smoke (just the hideous smell) and there was no fire alarm, I reluctantly agreed and grabbed the phone.

Around the start of the third call, the floor manager (who already thinks I'm crazy, btw) busted in my office to ask why the hell I was still in the office. I agreed and asked her indeed, what was I doing still there, but the irony was lost on her. Since she had to evacuate everyone from the floor before she got to leave, my little attempts at wit were directly affecting her chances of survival. She had no time for banter and almost flung me bodily from the room. My boss looked over at the two us and calmly held up one finger, like, hold on this call is almost over. The floor manager rolled her eyes so hard I worried that they'll fall from their sockets and she started rushing me down the hall.

We all made it to the ground floor by heading through the stairwell where the lights were still strobing (which made the walk down just a touch treacherous), and were told to hang around in the lobby until the fire department got there and could investigate where the fire was and why the alarms never went off.

My boss decided to screw waiting though, as we are busy people, and sent me off on the numerous errands that we could fill this unproductive standing-around-celebrating-our-escape-with-our-lives time with. I went to the bank to make some deposits (the boss had thoughtfully had me grab our outstanding checks as we fled the building for our lives) and regaled the teller with my harrowing story of near-fire-death. She was less than impressed for some reason (possibly because there was no smoke, or fire, and because I had fled the building based on a smell) which made me generally resentful for the rest of the transaction. At least she offered me a sucker from her jar of bank candy afterwards, which helped sooth my pain.

When I got back to the office, a really nice and cute fireman let me go back up to our floor, as they determined that there was no actual fire. One of the generators, or transformers, or something (he was really cute, it was hard to focus on the words) down in the basement had shorted out, and it had caused everything else to shut down. The smell came from the shorted out unit and just happened to propagate up to us because we have a dedicated air flow line to our floor from the basement.

We still only had backup power, though, for the remainder of the day, which meant absolutely no computers, or air conditioning, and if you wanted to go to the bathroom you had to do so with the lights strobing all around you. It was like peeing in a discotheque.

------------------------------

And that's the story of how I almost (okay not even close) died in the office. I would have told the story earlier, but as luck would have it, yesterday right around 10 in the morning our corporate office had a catastrophic systems failure at the north branch, which completely cut all of our communication with the Internet, email, and information systems until about 6 this morning.

I swear, it's like my office is turning into the Temple of Doom over here. I expect the next time I head out of my office, a giant boulder of paperwork and discarded coffee mugs will start chasing me down the hallway.

Come to think of it, I really should have brought my fedora in to work.

A Worryingly Long List of Worries

I'm a little worried about the amount of stock I put in the win/loss ratio on my FreeCell stats page. That I can consistently keep it at 95% makes me inordinately proud. Tied to that - whenever I feel dumb, I take solace in the fact that I can complete an expert Minesweeper puzzle in 120 seconds. I'm pretty sure these are not healthy thoughts.

------------------------

While watching Varsity Blues on Saturday night, I was inordinately preoccupied with the fact that Jon Voight (the coach) was completely right in his thinking in terms of the game of football. I mean, the movie goes ahead and makes him racist and crazy and hell-bent on winning to the point of injuring his players, but his football was sound. What was the point of James Van Der Beek and his ridiculous plays? Man that was annoying.

------------------------

Oh, and I just analyzed the character motivations in a movie about high schoolers who were portrayed by actors with an average age of 25, and prominently featured Ali Larter in a whip cream bikini.
------------------------

Also, now I own a copy of Varsity Blues.

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I've been exercising regularly for about 9 days now, and I'm worried that my left arm is getting noticeably bigger than the right one. Which makes me want to just do more reps with the one hand to even things out, but then what if it's just all in my mind and then my right arm gets even bigger? I already have the sneaking suspicion that my right leg is longer than the left, pretty soon I'll be shuffling around in irregularly gaited circles.

------------------------

I've been actively considering a re-subscription to The World of Warcraft, ever since I did my financial analysis last week. While WoW is a soul-sucking life devourer, it's very cheap compared to most all other gaming comparables. On average, I spent 4 times more per month when not playing that game. But did I mention the life devouring?

There's just no good choice there.

------------------------

Even though my new car has been fixed (and for relatively very little money) every time I turn the key in the ignition I have a moment of complete blind fear that the car isn't going to start and I'm going to have to go through the whole ordeal of car rescue all over again. This is not good for my well-being or state of mind, and is sincerely detracting from the joy of owning an absolutely sweet car.

Is it possible to get an ulcer from owning something that is too awesome?

I'm breaching whole new levels of paranoia here.

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And now I worry that this list is getting too long, so I'll stop.

Because I Like to Talk About Books, Dammit

WARNING: The following post is about books. Not just books, science fiction books. It will probably be super boring. You have been warned.


So, it seems that I love any book from the science fiction section, right? I mean, whenever I babble on about a book it's usually something sci-fi like, right? Aliens and what have you. This is actually a misconception - I really only love well written science fiction. But I willingly wade through huge piles of sci-fi crap that I never mention in order to get to it.

There are plenty of different types of bad science fiction.

There is the poorly written stuff, which you usually see in your movie and video game tie-ins. The kind of stuff that relies on branding to sell, rather than story or any competency with the English language. (Your Warcrafts, your Star Treks, your *shudder* Halo tie-ins)

Then you've got your poorly framed stuff, where the universe makes no sense or contradicts itself, or there's too much deus ex machina/"A Wizard Did It" explanations, or over-exposition on the universe with no good character correlation... really there are tons of different ways that this comes up. But it boils down to not immersing the reader properly into your world. This is not always a vital component of science fiction, you can write a good book without explaining the universe you're in, but more and more I find this to be the big hitch in my enjoyment of a novel.

Separate but equal to that, you've got the authors who have a perfectly explained universe, but can't write a convincing character or conversation to save their life (or their book). This is a rarer form of bad, usually if someone has enough of a handle on a scenario to map out a whole unifying theory for the entire world they can also imagine realistic ways for people to act within it, but it's still common enough to put on the list.

The last category is the hardest to define and the most nebulous, but it mostly has to do with intent and storytelling. Why are you telling this story and more importantly why should I care? This is less of a science fiction issue than an overall fiction issue - if the reader doesn't care about the story, or isn't invested in the outcome, there's no reason to keep reading, even if it's perfectly constructed.

In my mind sci-fi has a layer added on to that - not only must the story be compelling, it should have some reason for this alternate setting. Which, I'll admit, is only a gripe of mine. You can have a traditional novel (say, murder mystery or detective novel) that is just set in some sci-fi setting, but in most all cases it comes off as annoying, pretentious, or unnecessarily confusing. (This is not a condemnation of those sorts of books as a whole, though. Turning a genre on its ear can be interesting in its own right. Just more often than not it plays out as a gimmick rather than a conscious plotting choice that has meaning to the novel.)

------------------------------

Now that I've already written a full post complaining about bad science fiction, I get to the reason behind this whole line of thinking - I just finished a set of three novels by John Scalzi: Old Man's War, The Ghost Brigades, and The Last Colony. These are my precise definition of great science fiction.

It's a trilogy of sorts - each book is set in the same universe but would probably work equally well as stand-alone novels. They do share various characters and follow an over-arching plot, though, so where they really excel is in the sum of all three books taken together.

Each book manages to avoid all those pitfalls above:

- they're delightfully well-written,
- have a clear, concise, and uniform universe that is introduced as naturally as possible (only the slightest out of place chucks of clunky exposition),
- with honest-to-God unique characters who have realistic dialogue,
- and a clear sense of purpose and drive for each novel that sucks you into the story and keeps you engaged.

The storyline follows a future where humans expand out into the galaxy and find it teeming with life. Life that mostly wants to destroy humanity to keep all the available real estate to themselves. The humans decide to go with the flow and attempt to wipe out everyone else too and get to colonizing.

The first two books are military novels (borrowing brilliantly from the Heinlein school of writing in the most direct way possible) that follow the new super-human soldiers who act as the front line against all the alien races, while the third is mostly a political story that builds on the plots developed over the course of the first two books. So you get plenty of action and alien killing, plenty of pathos (as the universe is a very easy place to die in), and plenty of humor as all the protagonists keep a relatively happy and witty outlook in the face of all the horrors they're up against.

This does not sound groundbreaking in general, but it's just refreshing to find the formula done so well, and carried out through three full books. They immediately get a spot on my shelf right next to the Ender series as a go-to quick and fun read.

But the real reason I'm so up on these books is because they're so eminently accessible to just pick up and read. I wouldn't have a second thought recommending them to anyone, even if they aren't a science fiction fan per se. A lot of that comes from the writing style - each book has a keen sense of humor and drama without so much of the extra baggage that you so often see with hard science fiction.

See, I can love and dig into a book like Charles Stross' Accelerando, but I wouldn't dare send anyone near it that wasn't fully on board with pushing through a very difficult read in order to reap the rewards. You've got to focus and parse through not just the writing style, but the constant shifts in tone, time, and technology. Conversely, these books still tell a great story but do it without making it feel like work.

Relevant, helpful disclosure: I devoured these books. Read all three of them in a span of three days, getting though The Ghost Brigades and better than half of The Last Colony from noon to ten at night on the second day. And then reread Old Man's War a few days later so I could discuss it with someone who had just finished it.

The ease of the writing and the compelling way the story is paced make it a chore to put down the books, which is the last hallmark I need to recommend them universally as a great entry point to science fiction. Because, even within the ridiculously small subset of people who read for fun, I think there's a bias against science fiction. Most people compare the whole genre to broccoli - you like it or you don't. But the real comparison should be to a whole food group - you may not like broccoli, but there is surely something in the Fruits and Vegetables Section that you enjoy.

I may just be spouting nonsense (as usual), but whatever, I really, really enjoyed these books and urge anyone to try them out. Who knows, maybe you have latent geek tendencies just waiting to spring forth.

Hubris and Truck Revenge from Beyond the Grave

"So do you miss your truck?"
"Not in the slightest."
"Really? But you had it for 10 years."
"10 years without shocks and a broken windshield, 3 years without air conditioning, the last year with a busted radio. Don't miss it at all."

Yeah, I was accused of being unsentimental, but I had my fancy new car to soften the blow. And man, was it wonderful. Leather seats, air conditioning, quiet and smooth ride, the false sense of superiority that can only come with owning a luxury vehicle that eats gas the way I eat Pixi Sticks.

All the way up to Friday night when it refused to start up after dinner at Cheddars. And by 'refused to start' I mean 'became possessed by Satan'. Trying to start up the car led to weird electrical madnesses, like the unlocking mechanism going on the fritz and rapidly unlocking the doors over-and-over-and-over like a machine gun for minutes at a time and all the gauges on the dash flicking around like the car was having a seizure.

I do not put it past the Truck of Malfunction to have cursed me and my new car for tossing it to the side. Its revenge is both swift and terrible. Because for all its faults, it never once had a day when it didn't work, in 10 whole years. Here we're not a full month into ownership and already the new car has acquired a demon and won't drive me places. Arg.

-----------------

We track down a tow truck guy (thanks to the always delightful AT&T roadside service) who manages to get the car out of the Cheddars parking lot with an assist from Jordan, who did the steering and pushing (I was busy filling out forms and internally freaking out.). I am momentarily worried even more when the tow truck stalls in the middle of the street on the way back to my apartment, but thanks to some ingenuity by the truck owner (his, I swear to God, exact words: "You know, it's like Star Trek, you gotta get up and going a bit before you can jump to warp speed.") we make it home without dying.

Sadly, jumping the car when we get there does a whole lot of nothing. I pronounce my new car dead for the night, and make plans to enlist Devon for a serious car-fixing adventure the next day (because Devon is my go-to car fixer, as based on our previous experiences together).

I am firmly of the belief that it must just be a dead battery that is causing the trouble, and not just because I can't imagine the expense of something more dramatic when I don't even have my real license plates yet. I pull out my Box-o-Tools(TM), and we get to work on The Plan.

The Plan: Replace the Battery (consists of 4 Steps)
Step One: Remove the old battery
Step Two: Acquire a new battery
Step Three: Replace new battery in car
Step Four: Car explodes

Step One: Remove the old battery. Yeah, not so much. The negative cable that connects the battery to the car is completely fused to the battery and will not relinquish its hold. We use everything we can think of: Devon's Coke, WD-40, a hammer, all to no results. After about 45 minutes of futility and frantic calls to parents who may have more experience in the matter, it is again Devon who works it out - while she levers the connector upwards with a screwdriver, I wail on the side of it with a hammer after we've fully soaked the whole thing in a puddle of Coke. It pops off, and Step One is completed after I wrestle the battery out of its casing, nearly destroying my hands in the process ("How am I supposed to grab onto this thing?! It weighs 100 pounds and is nothing but sharp edges.").

As I expected Step One to be the easiest and shortest of the steps, I was a little daunted. We proceed on!

Step Two: We take the battery to the National Tire and Battery store, for a replacement. I insist on bringing the battery in to the store with us, as I feel that taking multiple trips back and forth would be folly. Again, wrestling with the battery nearly fells me. I make it to the counter, thump the battery on it and slump to the ground.

Quoth the Battery Technician: "Yeah, we don't stock that kind of battery. You should call around to other places."

I drag the battery back to the car - Devon now firmly believes I am insane, but still agrees to drive me around. After tracking down a place who swears they have one in stock, we make the long and arduous journey across the White Rock Lake to the secondary battery store. Again with the dragging of the old battery, I will no doubt die very soon. Once it's on the counter and I'm standing there sucking wind, the Checkout Guy looks at me a little funny and unfolds the little handles on top of the battery that I didn't notice and carts it to the back without the slightest issue.

I cry a little bit, but take the new battery in trade and head back to Devon's car. Step Two down.

Step Three: We get the battery into place without incident. But then we lose the nut to the negative terminal wire. After several minutes of searching, we do not find it and assume that the car has eaten it, as some sort of offering to the car gods. Plus, it turns out to not matter in the slightest, as the negative wire is so corroded that even if we had the nut, it wouldn't be able to tighten at all. Luckily the battery terminal is roughly the same size as the old version (naturally), so it appears that the car might still work without excessive yet sensible tightening.

Step Four: Turn on the car, and surprisingly nothing blows up. It's a miracle and yet again Devon has saved my automobile. She's very good at that.

----------------------

Which is where the story still stands. I need to get the faulty wire replaced (it's not tight enough, and thus is prone to not starting until I root around under the hood with a screwdriver, the constant threat of electrocution just over my head like so much low hanging fruit), but mechanics that I trust enough to repair my largest financial holding in the world are tough to come by. I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday morning and hopefully the car will not explode, or die in the middle of traffic on the highway, or once again become possessed by a demon and try to unlock me to death until then.

Anyways, so that was my holiday weekend (excluding the crapload of movies that I went to see (see sidebar)). How was yours?

The Puppet Master

Did you hear that? It's the sound of a long-term crush evaporating into a cloud of dust.



Bye Elijah. We sure had some fun times though, right? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, all those LotR movies? Or that time I bought your horrible coming-of-age movie with Mandy Moore because it was on sale at Blockbuster for $3? And that other movie where you were supposedly Rosario Dawson's girlfriend*?

I hope one day that I can get over this (How the break-up went in my mind: "We're through! Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is The Puppet Master!"), or that you were at least paid extremely well for those 150 seconds of airtime. (Let's go crazy, indeed.)

I have to go now.

(*Note: yes, now I see the error, boyfriend not girlfriend, but really let's not kid ourselves - in that relationship you all know who would be the boy.)