On How to be a Recluse

The holidays are awesome, y'all. I just spent three straight days during which I always had a plate of something next to me. And there were 6 kinds of pie. And 3 kinds of stuffing. And ye gods, so much turkey. It's a miracle I'm still ambulatory.

I also managed to put up most of the Christmas lights on my parents' house without falling to my death, which was sweet. I was using a rickety ladder, uneven ground, no spotter, and lights that must be at least 10 years old, which would usually signal some sort of wacky antic that would leave me in a full body cast with my hair all frizzed out like some cartoon character. But the holiday luck was upon me and there were no ill effects that are readily apparent.

Ooh, and I got a kick-ass Christmas tree to spruce up the old apartment. It is mesmerizing in its beauty and mystery. All shall love it, and despair. Some day I plan on getting ornaments for it too. And perhaps some sort of star to go on top. The sky's the limit, y'all.

Of course, besides gorging myself silly and attaching live wires to the outside of my house, we also engaged in the most time honored of American traditions at Thanksgiving: the-post-Thanksgiving-Christmas-shopping spree. And man, did I go to town. We were battling through the crowds, climbing over the backs of the weaker shoppers to get the great deals, field tackling each other to get the last box set in this particular aisle. . . it was completely awesome.

Not only did I get the majority of my shopping done in one day (actually pretty much in one store. God bless Best Buy, all is forgiven, you know it was always you. You had me at my 36'' television.) , I also got to reap the benefits of the early shopping specials that the stores put out there to encourage bloodshed at 9:30am after one day of peace and love. Specifically, I reaped the benefits directly for myself, picking up a slew of TV Show DVD box sets on massive sale so powerful I was completely at their mercy.

Thus, I present to you Jason's Tips on How to Become a Recluse:

• First off, you must be surly. People should get the feeling that you don't like them just by your general demeanor. This will keep people away from your house and deter them from asking you to go places with them. Excessive cursing is helpful but not always necessary.
• Then, build up a complete aura of wonderfulness in your apartment. Keep candy and pies and Christmas cookies on hand at all times. Get a very soft rug and an excellent blanket. Keep the temperature perfect at all times and keep a scented candle going so the house smells inviting.
• The third part usually takes care of itself: ensure that the weather outside is abysmal. Freezing cold, rain, snow, anything that keeps up the inside - good / outside - bad dichotomy.
• You can add to this one by not owning any warm clothing of any sort. This will make sure that even if you wanted to go outside for some insane reason, you would be physically incapable, lest you freeze onto the sidewalk and die a very unfortunate death.
• Finally, pick up 3 or 4 box sets of television shows on DVD. These will comprise literally days and days of continuous entertainment that you can enjoy alone or with friends that requires no movement whatsoever from the couch unless you need more pie. (Jason's recommendations: The O.C., first season, Arrested Development, first season, The Simpsons, fourth season, Home Movies, first season, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seventh season.)

And that's that. You'll probably never see me again. Not that you've generally seen me a lot before now. It's just a physical impossibility now. God, I love the holidays. Have I mentioned that lately?