In Which I Continue to Hate On All Things Matt Damon Related

Since I spent the majority of my weekend inside darkened movie theatres, it would be a shame to let all that movie experience go to waste. In no important order, weekend movie roundup.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose - good, but not all that scary. Very lawyerly and full of Satan. The director was a big fan of hallways. I'm impressed by the trailer people's ability to make the previews universally appealing to the masses on such little available material. Very rarely can you go into a movie completely unaware of the two lead actors in the movie. But seriously, if you haven't seen the movie, how many of you know that Laura Linney is the star? Or that Tom Wilkinson will have the majority of the screentime? Anyways. There were no yell out loud actual scares, but the tone of the movie is very nice, and the pacing is perfect all the way through. Also, a random inappropriate Rachmaninoff piece makes for a really nice unintentionally hilarious moment, for me at least. Can you tell I have no consistent review of this movie? Just random bits that float out at me. Was good though. And I now have an easy way to scare the bejesus out of Frank in the middle of the night. Good times.

The Constant Gardener - I was expecting more. It was really good, but so methodically paced that it almost felt like dragging. Seeing as it's LeCarre, I expected more spies and excitement, but instead it was a very steady reveal. I should have felt a lot more tension by the end, but the bottom seemed to drop out for me. The acting was completely top notch though, and all the camera work was very pretty (it's blue because he's sad. And it's also raining, because he's very sad.). Rachel Weisz continues her perfect record as actress who has never been in a movie I didn't at least like. And I was a little shocked at how pleasant it was to have a movie not feel the need to constantly hit you over the head with the plot (except once or twice, just to make sure everyone was on the same page). It makes me feel vaguely literate and urbane when there are subtleties to be found in a movie. Worth seeing just for the acting.

Also: Brokeback Mountain trailer. I mean, seriously, I can feel this movie ripping my insides out. The story is only like 10 pages long, but it's the saddest thing in the world. In movie form with Heath Ledger, I will be a mess. And it will be awesome. Oh, and I know the movie is ruined for me because I've read the story and all, but could you maybe not show the ending during the trailer? It makes me look weird to get all choked up at what looks like absolutely nothing. I just can't get over this movie - gay cowboys, Michelle Williams(!), and Jake Gyllenhaal. The only sad thing is that it doesn't actually come out until December. It's best to prolong the agony, I suppose. Anyways, yeah, awesome.

The Brothers Grimm - I....what? Seriously, what was going on there? Let's go for a quick rundown of the errors, starting with most egregious and working our way down.

• This movie was edited by a 10 year old child who was off his ADHD medication for the day. Quick, bizarre cuts during action scenes, endings of scenes abruptly cut off, or just cut off in the middle of the scene for that matter, or hey, just missing outright. 3 characters will be at different places in a haunted forest, then suddenly they're in a group together running through a nearby field. Chick opens her mouth to respond to a line from Matt Damon, and CUT. Yes. Of course.
• Complete character reversals, lack of any characterization in the first place, stock caricatures anywhere else. Snooty French general? Check. Beautiful angry heroine with a heart of gold? Check. Fat man / skinny man comic relief duo? Yes, please. Just go down the line. They're all there. And for no good reason. The only person who remotely gets a pass is Heath Ledger, who plays his character so completely over the top, either for laughs, or just to chew the scenery, or because he was bored that day of shooting or whatever, but he was fun. And impassioned and a little goofy. Everyone else? Not so much. Also, shut up Matt Damon. You no longer are on my list of potentially good things. Your face continues to anger me.
• Plot? I see what they were going for, but no. There was a good movie hiding in there somewhere. The characters could have been compelling. The storyline is utter crap, but could have been focused in a lot and salvaged. Instead, they keep piling more crap on even as the movie is heading to the climax, and barely stop to roll the credits. I get that it's a riff on fairytales, it's not gonna make perfect sense, but it could have been so much better had they nailed down what they were going for ahead of time. Combine the plot with the editing and all you have is a headache and a half.
• Okay, this is getting a little vitriolic, so I'll pull back here. Last quick note: what was the tone they were looking for here? They keep playing for some huge obvious laughs, then hop back just as quickly into another dark confrontation on the whole magic beans debacle. Not that tones can't shift, but at least keep your focus within the same set of lines.

Some good things that came out of this:

• All of the Heath Ledger stuff, I can't emphasize that enough. The only real saving grace in the whole thing.
• The little kids getting taken scenes. Excellently creepy and overdone, it's in these scenes where you can tell that this movie could have been really good. The setting and the feeling during all three of them were perfect. And the bit with the mud and the gingerbread man was absolutely just disturbing. Had I been a small child, I would be scarred for life. So, bravo there.
• The music, which was some really nice riffing on old lullabies and what have you. Sufficiently creepy when needed.

Wow, that was a lot of talking. Anyways, unrecommended, but it wouldn't a bad rental for a movie night. Especially if you have access to some nice drinks.

In related news, I'm now the palest thing on the planet and can no longer function in direct sunlight. How was your weekend?