Hot Prospects

I love the fall TV season. Football finally starts up in earnest, giving me a reason to actually get up on Saturday before 2:00 and Sunday before 12:00, all the old shows come back and try to wrap up the shocking cliffhangers left in the wake of May, and a whole crop of new crap shows sprout up, giving me the chance to waste even more time on TV that probably sucks. Whee!

Today, we will exhaustively discuss new TV, because I haven't really gotten into the football stuff yet, old TV is boring even to me, and I have a lot of free time to kill.

New stuff that I will probably watch:

• Kitchen Confidential - for no good reason other than it's sandwiched between two other shows that I'm already going to watch (Arrested Development and Prison Break), it's on Monday nights so it's not like I'll have anything else going on, and it gets all these insanely polarizing reviews that either love it or call it the worst show of the new year. Plus: Xander! And that guy from Alias that I love!
• Prison Break - the guy goes to prison on purpose! To break his brother out! And there are blueprints. You know, now that I write that out, it looks horrible. This is totally going to be one of those shows that I watch two episodes of and then never ever come back. Plus: the guys? Not so hot.
• My Name is Earl - this actually looks potentially funny despite everything going against it. I've never really gotten the whole Jason Lee thing, but I recognize the humor, and the previews work very well. That said, it gets one week to catch my interest enough, because it's on against The Amazing Race, and nothing beats TAR. I literally haven't missed an episode in 3 seasons. Which is absolutely insane bordering on fanatic. But I want to like this show, so it goes in the good pile. Plus: Have you seen that guy mace himself on the preview? Injuring yourself automatically = funny.
• Invasion - will see it at least for a while, it's on right after Lost. There are about 14 too many supernatural shows on this slate thanks to Lost, but I'm not necessarily complaining, as I tend to like these sorts of things. Plus: someone "unknowingly begins a fight for the survival of his family, his community, and what might ultimately be the whole human race." That's some hot PR, right there.
• Night Stalker - Hot Stuart Townsend and Even Hotter Gabrielle Union with that Hot nerdy kid from Not Another Teen Movie get together to fight even more supernatural forces? Sign me up RIGHT NOW. Plus: Bring it on? Oh, it's already been broughten.
• Reunion - Oh goddamn you Fox. Gotta be putting up what looks like the coolest new show up against my Night Stalkers? Look how hot they are! You just gotta be all up in my business. Guess what? I will buy a damn VCR. How about that Fox? Yeah, that's right! In your imaginary face! Plus: That really cute Sean Faris is in it, who's ABC show got cancelled last year and I felt really bad for him.

New Stuff that I want to Watch for the Sheer Ridiculous Factor:

• Surface - Go look at that picture they're using as the face of this show and then come back and try to tell me how this couldn't be so awesomely bad that you have to tell your friends about it. Plus: "Ever wonder what life would be like if a new form of sea life began to appear in locales all over the Earth?" Um, no, actually. Thanks for asking, though, really.
• Commander-in-Chief - let's just get this out of the way: I love Geena Davis. The Long Kiss Goodnight could be the only thing she's ever done and it would be enough. Throw in the whole MENSA / archery / cool interviews / whatnot and she can do nothing wrong in my eyes. But, seriously, this looks like hot ass in a can. I'm sorry. Who knows, maybe it'll be awesome. Doubtful. Plus: Donald Sutherland. Two real actors in one bad new series. Is that really fair?
• Head Cases - Yes, this looks absolutely horrible. Yes, it stars Chris O'Donnell in the 1345673rd lawyer show in the last 2 years. Yes, it has that really annoying guy who I hate who was in Saving Private Ryan and was the psycho replacement roommate for Joey on Friends. But you know what else it has? Rachel Leigh Cook, who I will watch in everything ever made. Some obsessions never die. Do you remember when she did that anti-drug commercial where she beat up that kitchen with a frying pan? Good times. Plus: oh, honey, there's no plus. This is going to suck. Hard. It's also up against Lost, so it's probably only getting one week from me.

New Stuff that It Actually Hurts to Look At:

• Bones - Guess what? The world no longer needs bloated David Boreanaz. Especially as "a former Army sniper who mistrusts science and scientists when it comes to solving crimes." Yeah, 'cause science is stupid and never helped solve anything. I'll go ahead and get this out of the way right now - Shut up, David Boreanaz.
• Freddie - You know what the world is clamoring for? A television series based around the life and times of Freddie Prinze Jr. Starring himself, and that poor Brian Austin Green from 90210. Only the world isn't, and goddamn does this look bad.
• The Ghost Whisperer - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No. Seriously. This is one of those joke items, right. Like a Fametracker send up of shows that could never happen because they're just so ludicrous. Hahahahahaha. Oh, Jesus-tapdancing-Christ, they're serious. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ripping off (the really good) Medium from last year. JLH, I would watch my back if I were you, Patricia Arquette could take you out in the blink of an eye. And no one would mind.

Random bits that make me sad:

• That Janice Ian from Mean Girls is finally on a show, and it's on the WB opposite Lost and no one will ever see it.
• That Dennis Hopper and Benjamin Bratt are on a TV show together about the Pentagon, and it's a drama. Am I the only one who sees a potential for pure comedy there?
• If it weren't for all the actual potential good shows out there, I might actually be interested in Threshold any other year. Now? Yawn.

In other words, no one will ever see me once the fall starts up. Get your face time in now.