Lowered Expectations Theatre

What happened to me? I used to be a cinema snob. I could turn my nose up at even the most well-made film, provided it was targeted for mass-market appeal. The words "summer blockbuster" would create an internal shudder that could go on for days. I had tastes and distinctions and could complain about anything.

Now, we are about to hit the end of the summer, and I've had exactly one (1!) movie experience that I didn't like (burn in hell, Madagascar). Out of how many? Just off the top of my head I count 10 movies. That just will not stand, you know?

Do you think that maybe I just enjoy going to the movies so much, that it doesn't really matter what is showing? Perhaps I love sticky floors and the smell of old popcorn enough that I can forgive anything so long as the big screen entertains me with its bright shiny colors?

The latest entry in my ongoing fall into banality is the hotness-fest that is The Island. First off, we need to discuss exactly who directed this film. If there was anyone who personified my cinematic arch-nemesis in the past, Michael Bay was it. Look over that filmography. Bad Boys (I & II). Armageddon. Pearl frickin' Harbor. This movie already had so much badness going for it, and we haven't even got to the premise yet.

But guess what? Surprise, surprise, I loved this stupid movie. I am so shallow.

1) Scarlett Johansson fits this movie so perfectly it's almost like a meta-statement on the plot itself. It's like she was genetically engineered to play this role, perfect level of hotness calibrated to an astonishing degree. I'll be the first to admit that I totally did not get Lost In Translation, but I still recognize that it was very well done and she was excellent in it. But I think she fits even better here in the quinessential cheesy summer flick. She has Action Movie Face.

2) Ewan McGregor. If there is anything in the world that ruins me for a movie, he is it. Seriously. Just ends me. And there is some sort of weird inverse relationship going on, because the older he gets, the more hot he equals. And then he tries an American accent in this movie? Be still, my tiny, dorky heart. I give up, and I'm overwhelmingly happy that he sold out his indie cred for Michael Bay blockbuster - even though it is apparently a spectacular flop.

Which is insane, because it actually is a really well done movie. The action scenes are ridiculously gratuitous, but the whole movie works on its own as a vaguely creepy sci-fi story cross-bred with a futuristic action-adventure. It's funny, and creepy, and exciting, and would you look at me I'm gushing over a summer movie won't someone shoot me now?

Ugh.

Also, and I hate to bring this up because I don't think it's possible to sound more like a 12 year-old girl, but that first kiss between the two of them is the hottest hot thing that was ever hot. Yeah, okay, leave me to contemplate my own demise of taste in peace.

Ruined forever, I say.