Shift Happens

I have a very unsavory air about me. For the longest time I never understood it, but people inherently do not trust me. Up through my, what, second semster in college, I had never made it into a club without getting pulled over to the side by some police officer checking to see if I was drunk or on drugs. I have been pulled over int the TOM a grand total of three times in my life and each occassion was marked with a long conversation on whether or not I was carrying concealed weapons in the car, as well as a discussion of how drunk I was. I have been mistaken as a drug dealer time and time again.

Finally, we've pretty much nailed down all the elements that make up the untrustworthly-looking aspects of my character. Sadly, they constitute pretty much everything about myself, but what can you do?

The primary stumbling block seems to be my face. Apparently, being gaunt, pale, wild haired, and containing a pair of incredibly deep set eyes (the overhang of my brow could provide shelter for a family of Russian refugees) is a bad combination for a visage. To be precise, I look by turns, angry/brooding (which = dangerous, most likely criminal), and hungry/homeless/crazy (which = dangerous enough to cut you for a sandwich).

This fact was further worsened by my old habit of wearing very large sweaters on my very small frame. I have now been warned that all drug dealers and young homeless people look exactly like I do, and they also wear the same kind of clothes.

So that's great.

In addition to my look and dress, apparently I act shifty too. This is a more nebulous concept, but I think it can be boiled down to: A) I don't look people in the face too often, or when I do, I usually look away immediately afterwards (neuroses are awesome) B) Sometimes I talk to myself, or have a nervous tic, or continue moving my lips after I speak, whatever it takes to make people uneasy. C) I act guilty. Of this, I have no clue what people mean, but they say that I always look like I'm hiding some sort of dark secret. As someone most memorably said the first time they met me: "Did we walk in on you shooting up? Don't look so guilty, everyone does it."

I have made many great strides in overcoming these issues (a handy guide to getting a job even though people think you're shifty) but still people give me a wide berth in general social situations. This can be good (see: grocery shopping is much easier when people fear you) but often it is very bad (see: yesterday when I said hi to another guy at the mailbox and he gave me a weird look and ran off).

And thus I explained why if you see me in real life, you'd probably run away. Or mace me, depending on whether you're a policeman or not.

Good times.