Welcoming Our New Robot Overlords

So everyone knows I'm really into the future, right?

Sci-fi junkie, both in books and movies. Computer nerd like whoa; nothing gets me hotter than a really good bout of programming.

I'm even known to regularly spout "Where are all the flying cars? This is supposed to be the future, I was promised flying cars!"

So ever since the first time I laid eyes on a Roomba, I've coveted them like nothing else. Even when I heard they were super lame, and you'd be better off hiring a toddler to sweep your floors for better results, I still wanted one like a 12 year old girl wants a pony. Just the idea of a robot vacuum under my command got my mind racing at the potential possibilities. In my brain it's like Rosie from the Jetsons, but without any of that smart-mouth backtalk.

Alas, I was wicked poor at the time, and have been pretty much forever since. And I never really had enough floor to warrant a dedicated living vacuuming machine, since I could easily clean my whole place in approximately 10 minutes once every month. Not even my lust for the future could rationalize the purchase.

And so my dream of robot ownership languished.

Then, two fortuitous things happened right at the same time: They introduced the 530+ series of Roombas, and I got my new apartment. This new series continued on the functionality improvements of the last few years (edge cleaning brushes, proximity sensors, smarter algorithms, etc.), but most importantly they added a lighthouse/beacon feature, which allows these new awesome robots to do multiple rooms at once, and then return back to their homes, like the android-future my mind had always promised.

And the new apartment was huge, better than 400 more square feet of space, all of it done in fake hardwood floors. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep non-carpeted floors clean? Well if you're as lazy as I am, it's basically impossible. Once a week exhaustive sweeping isn't enough. You need something like 3 sweepings every 10 days, and you have to move furniture, otherwise the dust bunnies gather in dark places and plan their revenge on the living world.

Thus, I have been biding my time, waiting for the Roomba price to drop into the realm of my rationalization. It took nearly a full year, but finally it happened this month, and I'm the proud owner of the cutest little cleaning machine this side of the Mississippi river.

I call him Bad Robot.

Mostly because I'm constantly shouting "No! Bad Robot!"

See, the thing I was most worried about when I got him was that he would gain sentience in the middle of night and try to murder me and take over the apartment as his own, tired of his position of servitude.

This proved to be even more ludicrous than it sounds, because goddamn, Bad Robot is as dumb as a post.

Things I Have Yelled at Bad Robot For (Just This Week)
- Trying to climb into the fireplace and getting stuck on the marble (3 times)
- Getting an empty Pixi Stick lodged in its brushes (4 times)
- Trying to eat the drapes in the living room (2 times)
- Running into the entertainment center so hard that he knocked down the Playstation controller
- Trying to eat said Playstation controller's cord immediate afterwards
- Getting stuck under the table, despite there only being two chairs around it
- Attempting to gain access to my bedroom by repeatedly ramming into the door, because it wasn't fully latched
- Pushing the mat at the front door all the way into the back hallway
- Refusing to clean near the kitchen because the kitchen doors jut out approximately 2 inches from the wall
- Missing his docking station by 1 inch,
- Then getting confused and pushing the docking station around until it faced the wall,
- Then getting really mad because he can tell there's a docking station nearby but can't access it,
- And in response starting to ram himself repeatedly into the coffee table.

Seriously, he's not smart.

But the thing is because he's not, our place is constantly in a state of previously unknown clean. Because as long as you keep half an eye on him, he will indeed vacuum up everything, and keeps the place dirt and dust bunny free. And since you have to pick up any cords, or big things on he ground that he might run into so that he can actually function at his job, we're running at something like 90% clean house at all times.

It's nuts.

I'm so happy, I could burst.

Now if only they would get around to making those flying cars I was promised, I could finally be happy with my place in future.

Fall Back into Television (Week 3)

Wherein I did nothing but watch TV all week long (since I was so tired from moving my office) so I have so many opinions!

• How I Met Your Mother - I don't know. The show still doesn't have it's groove back, but it was pretty funny. I really enjoyed Marshall in Costco, and just about lost it when he was wearing the dog shirt when they got back. But Barney was tiresome, and I'm about 10 minutes from completely over this Ted/Stella storyline. What's way more troubling though, comes next...
  
  
• The Big Bang Theory - So I watched this shit show before HIMYM came on, and God help me, it was hilarious. Like, I laughed really inappropriately loudly at least twice. It was like the reincarnation of The Class. I felt dirty. But seriously, if I was to honestly pick the best show of the week (like I'm about to in a few minutes) I have to give serious consideration to this one. I feel like the world has gone mad.
  
  
• Chuck - And now I remember why I dropped this show in the first place - it's so utterly unrealistic that I can't even enjoy the inherent camp. Every week there some new bad guy, who is theoretically the most bad ass bad ass to ever bad ass, only they are easily thwarted by Chuck's wily nerd charms. Dude, the actual character of Julie Cooper from The OC could have taken out these fools, and in this case the actress was supposedly playing an international assassin. I know not to expect any sort of realism, but some sort of grounding in the physical world would be nice.
  
  
• Fringe - Completely enjoyable at the time, but if you asked me what happened this week, it's even odds that I couldn't remember a single plot point. That's a bad sign. Particularly since it's the only thing I watch on Tuesdays, which means I could just drop it and have a whole night free to myself. That's ultra tempting.
  
  
• Project Runway - What did I say last week?! Complete bullshit, that Jerell could get voted off at the last second like that. That said, I have reviewed all their individual lines, and I agree with the top three choices. But seriously, I hated Korto's bridesmaid dress. If we were going from that individual challenge, for me she should have been gone. I really wonder how the ending will go, though - based on those lines, all three have a real shot at winning (although I still think Leanne has the edge). Oh, and how cute was the 3 seconds of Leanne's boyfriend? It was like they were the same person. Also, I now totally want to be like Jerell and refer to my boyfriend as my "love interest." It's so evocative, and not as queer sounding as "partner." Okay, maybe it's more queer-sounding. I don't care.
  
  
• The Office - I swear, this show will be the death of me. Even with no Pam and super limited Ryan, I was still blown away. I love Amy Ryan with an unbearable passion. God I wish she could stay forever. And Jim's annoying little brother routine with Dwight hasn't been as artfully captured as this since Conflict Resolution. Pure awesome.
  
  
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - I think I'm off a week on this show, since I catch it on Hulu, rather than when it airs. So this week is about both the billboard and Mac sleeping with the Waitress. The billboard was funny, if a little flat. Frank's billboard tryouts were the funniest parts by far, but I just couldn't get into the Charlie/Dee line. Mac and the Waitress, however, was pure gold. Somehow, the weirder Charlie is, the more I like him. And that ending was perfect - reveal, reveal, closure, then supposedly-homo-Mac in a crumpled heap in the street coverd in popping fireworks. That's what I like to see.
  
  
• The Amazing Race - God, I've missed this show. Even though it was hard to stretch out the tension at the end (you knew there was a time penalty going into the ending and the geeks who were getting penalized were second to last) it was still totally enjoyable all the way through. Scary bikes, inter-team drama (with one of my favored teams being the dramatizers), and fake Mexican wrestling. You can't beat this show. My favorite two teams: Mother/Son combo. who looked super impressive busting through that Roadblock, and Brother/Sister combo, who seem to be good natured fools (with terrible names). I'm really looking forward to next week.
  
  
• Things I Missed: Everything Thursday, as I was at the office moving until after 9:00. No Ugly Betty or Survivor (but I caught The Office on Hulu). No Pushing Daisies or Dirty Sexy Money on Wednesday since Frank watched America's Next Top Model instead of PD, and I watched South Park instead of DSM. The less said about that South Park, the better, though. Man that was horrible.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
*SIGH*
The Big Bang Theory - The Barbarian Sublimation

Best Line of the Week:
The Office - "Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor."
Close, Close, Oh-So-Close Runner Up:
The Office - "It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male."

Best Moment of the Week:
The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon on the ease of picking up a guy (with demonstration)
Runners Up:
The Office - Jim's Entire Battlestar Galactica Goading
Amazing Race - The Extended Wrestling Roadblock

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Let's just give this category wholesale to Big Bang Theory for actually making me laugh at all.

Most Disappointing:
South Park - Jesus that was horrible.

Most Anticipated:
I'm on an Amazing Race kick right now, so probably that. Although the preview for The Office with the watermelon looks really enticing, too...

But come on, it's no contest: Project Runway Season Finale. Bryant Park! "Wave Architecture" versus "Alice in Wonderland Covered in Rope" versus "African Inspired Beading!" I cannot wait.

Pathological Fears, a Revisitation

I've pretty extensively covered my list of irrational fears over the years, as it's something that I think about a lot. But after an experience a few weeks back, and my re-watching the movie Signs over the weekend, I've been once again put on notice by my brain that I even though I'm scared of a ton of things, those things continue to evolve constantly.

Most noticeably on the list of things that don't scare me anymore: I no longer have to keep my bed up against the corner of a room while I sleep (so as to have no way for anything to sneak up on me in the middle of the night). This one has been a gradual thing and is due to the layout of my bedroom requiring my bed to be offset from walls on all sides. In conjunction with this, I no longer get paranoid jags in which I think something/someone might be hiding under my bed. Which means that now I can get up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night without the fear that I'm about to get dragged down below. I like to think of these two abated fears as signs that I'm growing up.

Also, you can throw in the fact that I've gotten past the problem of not sleeping with my bedroom door open. Apparently the fear was that if someone broke into the house, they would have unfettered access to me (whereas a closed door is apparently akin to a brick wall. I don't know, don't blame me, these are irrational fears.) So, yeah, definitely growing up.

But not completely, as some things have remained constant on the irrational fears list:

Still can't sleep with the closet door open. This one is especially difficult because the shifting foundation of my building has caused the frame around my closet to cant by about 5 degrees, making closing the door physically impossible. So now I have to settle for wedging the door as close to closed as possible. Those last two inches of openness still make me nervous.

Also, I'm still afraid of clowns, but I continue to assert that this one doesn't belong on the irrational fears list. It's totally rational. Goddamn clowns.

-------------

Anyways, the whole point of this diatribe is that I've got two brand new fears that are way more prominent nowadays. See, I bought a new shower curtain a couple of weeks back. One of those fancy cloth numbers that goes on the outside of the plastic one, to give the illusion that you're a classy person. It's white and has stitched palm trees all over it, and it's pretty swank. It's also terribly heavy, which means that I have to keep it closed pretty much at all times, since my shower rod is notoriously wobbly and uneven weights on it cause it to come crashing down really unexpectedly.

As I learned at 3 AM on Tuesday last week, when I was startled awake by a crash so loud that I immediately assumed that the condo had finally been pushed to its limit and was collapsing all around me, House of Usher style. It was also in that brain-fogged moment that I realized I have no training in how to respond in cases of earthquake/house collapses. Mostly I just screamed like a girl and rolled off the bed like a ninja, only to get my legged wrapped up in the duvet and flopped to the ground face first.

So anyways, heavy shower curtain means I keep it closed at all times now. And now I am constantly -- constantly -- convinced that someone is hiding behind the curtain. Too many horror movies combined with New Fear #2 (below) and the time that I was 11 and my cousin hid in the shower to scare me while I was brushing my teeth have trained me to be so paranoid that I can barely function in my bathroom until I have spent a couple of hair-raising moments darting over to the shower and peeking around it to verify that I am indeed alone so I can wash my hands free of fear.

New Fear #2 is way more insidious and way more crazy too: I constantly imagine that I'm being stalked. This one has been hanging around a lot, but is more prominent after the Signs watching. See, a few weeks back, I was cleaning up the kitchen super late (like around 11:00pm) and needed to take out the trash, for fear that the Black Plague that I just scrubbed away would take on sentience in the trash bag and kill me in my sleep. So I wandered down to the dumpster on the far side of the complex.

(To understand the next part, you have to have some idea of the layout of the complex. This particular side doesn't border on the street, instead we're up against a mini-forest; it's the treeline to the little creek that runs out from the park to the north. So the layout goes Street-> Buildings -> Dumpster -> Lawn -> Trees.)

I toss the trash into the dumpster and turn to head back to my building. Midway through the turn, I swear I see someone across the lawn standing along the treeline, staring at me. More precisely, it's a white guy in a really dark suit. He's standing in the shadows of the trees, and it's just for a second as I'm turning, but I can still make out enough to tell he looks bald and is most definitely looking in my direction. I freak the hell out (as one does) and start heading back to my apartment double-time. Only when I turn back after a couple of seconds, there's no one standing there. More importantly, the lightpost on the lawn is brightly illuminating the place where I supposedly saw this person - there's no way that it would have been dark enough to hide someone in the shadows.

I chalk it up to a completely overactive imagination (which I've got in spades - ask me about my law library sub-basement stories sometime), and head home, only mildly still freaking out.

Now, ever since then, I'm constantly expecting this guy to pop up somewhere. Whenever I go outside at night, I'm looking everywhere, all the time, alert like a cougar. I've seen nothing since then, but it doesn't mean I'm not going crazy.

-------------

So yeah, I'm crazy like whoa. It's not unexpected, but still, it's a little sad.

Fall Back into Television (Week 2)

Probably the least television-y week we'll see for a while, since Thursday was decimated by debates, and I missed Sunday due to movie night.

• How I Met Your Mother: Possbily the most underwhelming episode since that 4 episode run midway through last season where it seemed like the wheels were falling off the show (before everything picked up for an awesome second half of the season). The whole thing was off-kilter, mostly because it was trying for the old HIMYM rythm of flashbacks -> reveal -> actual final reveal, but the story wasn't strong enough to carry it through. Not terrible, but it makes me look like a fool when I hype the show to make sure people watch and then they're all "Really? That's it?" Note to self: Stop hyping things.
  
  Also, I want to start a fund devoted to kidnapping Jason Segal and taking him to a barber. That hair is a crime against humanity.
  
  
• Fringe: Aaand the week I finally give up on this show is the week it gets picked up for a full season. Fine, I'm back in, since I know it's not going away mid-season like every other sci-fi-ish show on Fox in the last 5 years. But seriously, that main girl bugs me for some reason. Pacey really is good, though. I'm glad he has work.
  
  
• Project Runway: Holy crap, y'all. That was the most intense and horrifying thing I've seen on reality TV in ages. Like, I have to think back to the last episode of Big Brother that I ever watched (3 years ago) in order to come up with a more painful episode of something on TV. That said, it's weird that the result of that Big Brother episode was my vow that I would never watch another episode again (which I have kept easily), but I'm just more engrossed in PR than ever before.
  
  Seriously though, every single person involved acted repulsively. Kenley is obviously abrasive, rude, condescending, and completely unable to take even the lightest constructive criticism without going off the edge. Leanne's method of passive aggressively escalating things is ultra annoying to me because it's my most hated kind of argument. Man up and deal with it, girl. And then Jerrell and Korto's little joy-of-tulle-denial routine was classless, with Jerrell's speech on the runway just about sending me over. Then Korto finished the job and sent me straight into the rage place, acting like she wasn't calling Kenley out just because she didn't say her name. When you pointedly praise the other two people left in the competition for their wonderfulness as human beings, the implied silent insult is louder than Leanne (for once) directly saying that she didn't like Kenley's designs. Bringing it up again during the deliberation is just gross and tacky. I would have been perfectly fine throwing them all out and starting fresh next season. But we move on.
  
  Oh, also, it's complete bull that Jerrell has to compete for a spot at fashion week. Way to make the last regular episode mean absolutely nothing. It's sort of like in Season 3, except at least then you knew all 4 were going to get to show. This time Jerrell could be out at the last second, despite his 3 for 4 record of wins to end the season. All this is slightly mollified by the fact that they all actually got to show at fashion week (so did Joe and Suede, for that matter) since they needed decoys to keep the suspense, but it still annoys me to no end. It smacks of keeping drama for the sake of drama, since Kenley has been absolute bottom two for 4 of the last 5 (!!) challenges, and could have easily been out for 3 of them. Ugh.
  
  Okay, that was way longer than I intended. Deep breath and we move on.
  
  
• Pushing Daisies: AH BEES! Okay, that bit of the plot (okay, all the plot) was unnecessary in so many ways, but the show is still great. I don't have a lot to say about it, though. Shocking, I'm sure.
  
  (Total Aside: Every single time someone on TV says "bees" nowadays, I immediately flash to that conversation in Arrested Development ("Beads."/ "Bees!?"/"Beads!"/"Beads!?"/"GOB's not on board.") and giggle to myself for about 5 minutes. So you can imagine how this episode was for me.)
  
  
• Ugly Betty: Yeah, I'm definitely digging this season. Even if the Devil Wears Prada could file a lawsuit over the similarities (and okay, the homage to the homage is noted in the episode title, so fine), it was pretty hilarious throughout. Although I wish they would have done more with Betty's dream sequence as mini-Wili. But there was plenty of Mark and Amanda, an awesome smackdown during a party, and a real-life soap opera ending, complete with falling down stairs. Let's keep this going, shall we?
  
  
• Survivor: Boring, but I'm glad things are getting defined. Still with every passing year, I'm less inclined to watch these early episodes, as the alliances keep shifting more and more wildly each new season. Plus. all the contestants just blur together until the real personalities finally start coming out. Too many reality people these days.
  
  
• Things I missed: Simpsons, Amazing Race (AGAIN), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Dirty Sexy Money (saw the first 15 minutes, which I enjoyed, but then got a phone call that took precedence over rich people behaving badly. For shame.)

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
Ugly Betty - Til We Have Prada

Best Line of the Week:
Ugly Betty - "Look at me when I'm talking to you! Don't look at me!"

Best Moment of the Week:
Uhh, none? Okay, if I have to pick:
Pushing Daisies - Any time Lee Pace looked cute and awkward at the same time (read: any time he was on screen.)

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Gossip Girl - The 5 minutes of the show that I stopped to watch in passing, because I was wondering why The CW was showing the intro to an awkward gay porn movie. Oh no wait, it's just Gossip Girl! (Now I kinda want to watch it this week.)

Most Disgusting Moment of the Week:
(Tie) How I Met Your Mother - Marshall's hamburger eating slow-mo
(Tie) How I Met Your Mother - Marshall's hair

Most Anticipated:
Home visits on Project Runway! I love this part!

Useless Link Post Spam

Man, I usually hate it when people do a whole new blog post just to put in a single link to something they think is cool.

Especially now, since I do all my blog following through feeds, so those little posts can combine to take up so much space. There is nothing so disappointing as seeing your favorite blog has updated, only to click over and instead of content, it's a hyperlink.

But screw it, I love this link enough to give it my full attention.

http://labs.ideeinc.com/multicolr

I have spent approximately 8 hours over 2 days playing with this thing and I'm not even remotely bored with it yet. there are so many color combinations available, and they're all so pretty. It's fascinating.

Or maybe I'm just a huge dork for colors and pictures.

Whatever, it's awesome, and anyone who doesn't like it is a Communist, there I said it.

Wherein I Fall Back into Television

So I really thought that I was finally over TV.

I mean, yeah I still watch some things, but after a summer where I didn't need to turn on the set unless it was to watch Project Runway, I had been actively considering dropping my cable, and just relying on Hulu and streaming video to get me through the fall season.

And then said fall season started, and I became the ultra couch potato that is my birthright and my destiny.

So, I now present a rundown of all my television thoughts, as fast as I can get them down.

• How I Met Your Mother: My most anticipated anything, as per usual, but this was a decidedly low key start. I'm a little over Sarah Chalke at this point - not that it's her fault, but the shortened season last year has left her character completely devoid of any real personality. That said, she made huge inroads into my heart with her dissection of Star Wars there at the end. "Good idea, Bear," indeed.
  
  And I almost don't want to talk about the Barney subplot, because then I might let it slip that I've watched this scene (where he explains that he doesn't want to be Robin's boyfriend) approximately 95 times in the past 7 days. Seriously, the crush is out of control. But whatever. It's a good start to the season.
  
  
• Chuck: I didn't watch this show for much of last season after that terrifyingly bad second episode. But then I came back for a bit because of my unrelenting girl-crush on Rachel Bilson, and it was markedly better. And then I watched the preview of the second season premiere on Hulu last week, and I was incredibly entertained. I'm picking this one up for the whole season, I think.
  
  
• Heroes: Aaaaaand I'm out. I suffered through the last season of dreck in the hopes that we could right all that went wrong, that the strike really was that affecting to the quality of the show. And then I watched the season premiere and every single person on the show developed super powers, while no one developed any better acting powers. I'm so over this show, it's not even funny. Although I'll probably still retain some of it by osmosis, since Frank is still a watcher.
  
  
• Fringe: I was unabashedly onboard for the terrible pilot, but every week that goes by, I'm less and less enthused. Everyone knows I've been wishing for an X-Files spiritual successor, but so far this is just not doing it for me. Which is weird. You know I love me some Pacey, and Denethor is pretty hilariously awesome, but on the whole, I kinda wish that I was doing something else while I'm watching this show. Maybe it'll get better.
  
  
• America's Next Top Model: Most shocking development of this entire Fall Season? I made it through only 15 minutes of one episode of what used to be a staple show for me, before I turned it off, and haven't looked back since. I don't know what happened there, but it's dead to me. Sorry Tyra.
  
  
• Project Runway: As terrible as this whole season has been, I still really love this show. I think it helps that my two favorite designers have made it all the way to the end for once (unless you count the super unfortunate early exit of my boy Wesley. *sigh*). It's been pretty uneven all season long, and the quality of designs have been horribly lacking on occasion, but I love all the drama, and I have an actual interest in the outcome (as opposed to last year when I all I cared about was whether or not Jillian would reveal her true robot form at the final elimination, Terminator style).
  
  Also: Team Leanne all the way.
  
  
• Ugly Betty: 1) I am disappointed by the reboot of the season, basically tossing out most of the last year and turning Alexis into the dumbest thing this side of a palm tree. 2) But as much as I hate to admit it, I sorta love the shakeups. The new magazine, the new apartment, bringing in the "only gay for Jamie" guy from 30 Rock (Which, by the way, was the best thing that came out of television last season, hands down. Unless you count that other scene from 30 Rock where Tina Fey eats an entire sub sandwich onscreen in 20 seconds. Or Alec Baldwin's therapy role playing session. Okay, I really need to write up a separate post about how much I love 30 Rock. We're supposed to be talking Ugly Betty). I'm cautiously optimistic about the future. 3)More Mark and Amanda, dammit! Give the people what they want.
  
  
• The Office: There are no words for how much I loved the first episode this season. I was dreading another hour long episode (as last year they just dragged on and on) but this was perfectly paced, hilarious, and actually felt almost a little tight, like it was cut for length. That's some great writing there. (And I'm not even going to talk about the Jim and Pam thing. You think my little Barney disclosure up there was embarrassing? You have no idea.) Easily my front runner for best start of the season.
  
  
• Survivor: It always takes a while for the season to set itself, so I'll give it a pass for now, except to say that I'm really starting to hate Jeff Probst. I mean, how wildly unprofessional was that council where he forced a leadership vote? Quit directly involving yourself in the coolest part of each year (the natural shakeout of the initial alliances). I do love the location, though, so maybe there is some promise here.
  
  
• It's Always Funny In Philadelphia: Y'all, this show is so good. I don't know really how to explain it. I'm consistently shocked that it doesn't just collapse in on itself, week after week. I mean, Danny DeVito has a starring role! It defies all logic. But sweet damn, we're two episodes into the season, and I've already got three new favorite moments for the series. (In case you were wondering what they are: Charlie, Mac, and Dennis shirtless for the loan officer in the bank lobby, Dee attacking her sandwich like a bird, and "Wildcard, Bitches!")
  
  
• Simpsons: About as lackluster as you can get, but they got three solid laughs out of me, which is about 2 more than the entirety of last season, so color me potentially hopeful for this year.
  
  
• Amazing Race: How long have I been looking forward to this? Apparently so long that I completely forgot that it started yesterday. Man, I'm falling apart. Also, why in God's name does CBS only have like 15 2-minute snippets of the show on their website? And why do they each take individually 5 minutes to load? Oh well, my impressions will have to wait until next week when I can properly remember to watch things. I do like the looks of this cast, though.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
The Office - Weight Loss

Best Line of the Week:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - "Wildcard, Bitches!"

Best Line of the Week That's Apparently Funny Only to Jason and No One Else, Because He's a Sucker For Continuity:
The Office: "Cryogenics! Beer Me Five."

Best Moment of the Week:
The Office - Jim & Pam's Rest stop Moment in the Rain
Runners Up:
How I Met Your Mother - Barney on Boyfriends
Project Runway - Leanne's Hip-Hop Walk Down the Runway
Survivor - Gay Charlie's Super Unhealthy and Hilarious Man Crush on Pretty Haired (and Straight) Doctor Marcus

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Chuck - Morgan's Beyond Thunderdome Method of Determining Promotions

Most Disappointing:
Heroes - Mohinder steals the plot of The Fly and destroys my love forever.

Most Anticipated:
Dirty Sexy Money & Pushing Daisies both start this week

Most In Need of a Life:
Yeah, I know.

Your Consumer Whore Report for September

Have a huge pile of disposable income that you need to get rid of really fast?

If so, today's your lucky day because I just happen to have a huge pile of things that you should really want to buy. I know that I do.

1. Who Killed Amanda Palmer - Absolutely awesome new album from Amanda Palmer, i.e. the voice of The Dresden Dolls. When you buy the preorder right now, you get a free electronic download of the whole CD and a couple of bonus tracks, so there's instant gratification for your purchase that will come later in the month. It's like two purchases in one! It also helps that I love the entire album with reckless abandon, now that I've had a couple of days to listen to it a few times. It's weird that I picked up The Dresden Dolls because of Amanda's association with Regina Spektor, since I can't think of two more opposite types of piano girl singers. There's no polish with Palmer, but the emotion she packs into her songs overcomes any limitation you might expect.
   
   
2. Zoe's Tale, John Scalzi - I'm pretty sure I've gone over (at length) my love for the Old Man's War series, and for that matter my general love of Scalzi's writing (see Elsewhere links for his blog). This latest installment is more of the same, following a parallel storyline to the last book in the series (Last Colony) that fills in a lot of the blanks from that book, while telling a compelling story on its own. I have my list of quibbles with the book, almost all centering around Scalzi's skirting of some serious action scenes towards the end of the novel, but on the whole it's a great companion to the series, with an entirely unique voice. I dug it a lot. Now I just wish I had hard cover copies of the original trilogy, because now my collection looks a little lopsided on the bookshelf.
   
   
3. Dallas is about to receive an embarrassment of riches in terms of live music this fall. Just off the top of my head in the next two months: The Swell Season (AKA:the girl and the guy from that awesome movie Once), The Fratellis (my absolute favorite new band I heard this year), Ben Folds (on his new album tour), A new Hotel Cafe Tour (with Ingrid Michaelson again AND Meiko), Sara Bareilles (doing her own show this time), and Kings of Leon (with We Are Scientists(!!), the real reason I want to go to that show).
   
   I can't even fathom how much money it would take to see even half the shows I want to. And this is after Steel Train cancelled their Dallas stop.
   
   
4. In the video game world, Spore came out this week, and it's taking every willpower molecule in my body to not run to the store right now. I have spent far, far, far too much of my freetime just playing with their creature creator (which you can download for free. Because the first hit is always a giveaway. Then when you're hooked, that's where they get you. It's like cocaine, in a way). I'm dreadfully afraid that owning the full game would ensure I didn't see the light of day for until November.

And you know what? I'm just gonna stop right there because I'm practically drooling over all of these purchases that I want to make, and listing anymore is going to drive me right over the edge into poor consumer choices that you make when the industry you're employed in is folding like a bad hand in poker.

But don't let that stop you. Shop, my peoples, shop!

A Week and a Half in Review

Short form posting is the style of the season. Mostly because I'm basically drowning in work, and have less than zero interest in typing on a computer when I'm not being paid to these days.

Last Sunday Night: While out at a bar, was accosted by a drag queen, who attempted to make out with me twice. After derailing said attempts, had to spend close to 30 minutes additionally derailing the boyfriend from defending my honor by attacking the drag queen with a broken and/or rusty beer bottle. Why is my life so complicated? (Also: marks the 4th time in 2 years that a drag queen has propositioned me. Does this just happen to people all the time and I'm just not aware of it? Because I'm never around queens, and yet that's a shockingly high number to me.)

Last Wednesday: While indulging in my one hour of TV a week during the summer (Project Runway), I decided that I should also indulge myself food-wise, since I've brought my lunch to work every day for 2 weeks. I got one of these, and then proceeded to eat the entire thing. I've worked out 3 different times since then, and I can still feel the weight around my waist. Never again, I say. I'm practically sweating out the grease to this day.

Saturday: A successful running of Frank's birthday extravaganza. Which included me making an awesome display of birthday punch, which was full of ingredients, and was delicious. (I also then OD'ed on the stuff the next day, since primarily the ingredients I mentioned were variations on concentrated sugar, and subsequently felt the extraordinary pain that is an epic sugar crash). We also learned that: Jason only needs one margarita and 5 shots of rum to become completely drunk, which is a sad, sad thing, but still very fun. Oh, and I'll say it again: there is no game that is more fun with a group of people than Apples to Apples.

Sunday and also Monday: Refer above to the sugar crash item, which occupied most of my day. But additionally, our hot water disappeared entirely. Apparently I've traded out the Truck of Malfunction (TOM) for the Condo of Malfunction (COM), which is a much less cool acronym. So yeah, two days without a shower, I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now about the fact that I work alone in my office. Because seriously, if I can smell myself, you know that it's trouble.

Words of Warning

Because I am terrible at blogging nowadays, I present a bullet style list of warnings that I wish I had read prior to the last 5 days. It would have saved me a ton of grief.

• Just because an elevator door is shiny and reflective like a mirror, that does not mean that you should actually use it as a mirror to get a close-up examination of that weird spot on your nose. Because if you're not paying attention and the door opens up while you're doing so, you may terrify the harmless people who are attempting to board the elevator and are instead confronted by your giant face right at the door.
  
  
• (But really, if instead you're one of those harmless people, how's about you leave some space for people who are on the elevator to get out, hm? I'm not saying that you deserved a huge helping of Jason-face right up close and personal, but I refuse to take all the blame.)
  
  
• There is a key and vital difference between the phrase "virtually free" and the word free. Focus on that difference before signing anything, or spending a lot of time with a salesman using such phrases. Because they are trying to rip you off.
  
  
• If you're having fun at a bar people-watching, particularly the one guy who is hitting on the female bouncer in an hilarious/depressing manner, be very careful to watch yourself. Because you never know when said guy is going to choke on his drink due to a vigorous bout of dancing and be compelled to spit on the sidewalk, coincidentally right where your unguarded foot may be. Alternately, ignoring all the rest of the above, just never wear flip-flops to a bar.
  
  
• Also, maybe you should go get a tetanus shot. And an STD test. Because seriously, gross.
  

Raindrops from the Ceiling

It seems like I sure do complain about my apartment a lot, doesn't it? I swear, every third post nowadays has me whining about something going wrong over there. Really it's not too bad, I love the square footage, I've gotten used to the strange layout, and I really love the fake wood floors.

But today I want to talk about the fact that our air conditioner is totally trying to drive me insane.

It's not that it doesn't work - well okay, it sort of is that it doesn't work, since it doesn't actually circulate air all the way into my bathroom at the far side of my house, which makes relieving yourself a weirdly sweaty experience. Wait, that went to a strange place.

Regroup: It's not that the air conditioner doesn't work, it's just that it gathers condensation very easily. In order to combat this condensation, there is an overflow pipe that drains out under the house, and as a backup there's a secondary overflow that hangs directly over the kitchen sink, just in case the pipe isn't getting the job done. Usually this just means that at the height of summer we may have a little water dripping into the sink. It's mildly annoying, but nothing I can't handle.

This summer though, something is seriously wrong with the overflow pipe, which has resulted in a near constant stream of water splashing into our sink. It's loud. And unending. And it gets everywhere, as the splash radius is out of control. Then, not only was the water using the secondary pipe over the sink, the water even started leaking out of the corner of the access panel to the air conditioner.

Have you heard of water torture, where your interrogators drip water on your forehead slowly forever until you go mad? This is how I feel, except it's not so much on my forehead as it is an unending irregular beat on the linoleum floor and steel sink in my kitchen. Constantly, the drip-tink-drip-drip-splash-drip-tink-splash. Forever. Even when the air conditioner is off.

Finally unable to take it anymore, we had the landlord bring out a handyman to flush the pipes in order to get the insanity to stop. When he opened the panel to a huge rush of water that flooded the kitchen, I held little hope that he would affect much change. But I will give him credit, after blowing out the pipes, there is much less dripping and it's eliminated all but the sink pipe problem, which is reduced.

Still, it haunts me.

Thus, I have fashioned the most awesome piece of in-house ingenuity that has ever been created. It's a washing machine hose that covers the pipe opening and then snakes down along the wall to the side of the sink, where the water harmlessly dribbles down the drain, without a single sound.

Sure, it looks like the most ghetto, half-assed thing in the world. And hangs down terribly awkwardly, completely dominating your field of vision when you walk into the room. And at night in the darkness and shadow of the light filtered from the living room, it may look like a huge tentacled monster about to pounce on your head. (I said it "may" look like that, not that that exact train of thought went through my head. And it especially did not do so two nights ago, to the point where I actually shrieked and did a sort of crouch-and-roll in the kitchen at 1:00 AM. Ahem.)

Oh, and also, I had no good way to attach the hose to the pipe, and thus have rigged up an elaborate device to hold it in place. Which is made up of at least: a nail hammered into the ceiling, several lengths of nylon string, a paperclip, and a surprisingly large amount of sticky tack adhesive gum.

But whatever. Let's focus on the fact that I no longer have to deal with the constant drip-drip-dripping.

You've all read the Tell-Tale Heart, you know how this whole thing would have ended without my contraption.

Groundbreaking Belligerent & Numerous Olympic Coverage

Okay, so the title's a bit hyperbolic.

Because seriously, I don't know why, but I just have no interest whatsoever in the summer Olympics this year. I tried at first - saw parts of that wild and crazy opening ceremony, then sort of listened in when they were breaking down when which events would happen. And I was totally into it when they showed the early badminton rounds right there on one of the major stations. It definitely revived my lifelong (or since senior year of college) dream of becoming a world-renowned badminton player, but very quickly my interest in the rest of games evaporated. Mostly under piles of sports I couldn't care less about, and touching human interest stories that, as the great Kent Brockman so eloquently once put it, 'pull at the heartstrings and fog the mind.'

AND THEN, once I had already renounced the games, there was that horrible thing with the weightlifter and the destroyed arm (don't go looking for it, I beg you), which I managed to see despite only turning on a TV once this week (and to watch Project Runway, at that). Why the news broadcast that is shown in my office lobby felt the need to give us a slow-mo replay of that is completely beyond my comprehension. But thanks MSNBC. I'm glad that rather than finding out what the Dow was at, I got to view the utter destruction of a man's elbow. That was swell.

Anyways, to recap: not only did I not care about the Olympics, I was actively disgusted with them.

But leave it to network TV to pull out all the stops in finding a way to pique my interest again:

NBC challenge - Guess the Olympic swimmer based on his abs.

Well played NBC. Well played.

Counting Down From 100

Apropos to the height of summer (when you're most likely to find yourself outdoors without a shirt on) I had been looking for a new exercise program that I could get into without killing myself, and/or incurring the cost of a gym membership.

I was ready to despair and start pricing out exactly how many years of debt I would accrue by signing up with various local gyms, until I ran across this lovely website, One Hundred Push Ups. It completes me in every exercisable way possible.

1. Takes almost no time whatsoever
   
2. Can be done in the privacy of your own bedroom
3. Is simple to do
4. Has measurable results that are quick and easily recognizable
5. Did I mention that it takes practically no time at all?

It's not a program designed to do much of anything really, except get you good at doing push ups, and in the meantime give you a nice upper body. And hot damn, it really works. I'm all the way into week 5, and may actually reach the expressed goal of 100 consecutive push ups in a single round. Which is absolutely insane, considering when I started I could only do about 31 before collapsing into a sweaty heap.

It has the benefits of exercising without, y'know, actually exercising longer than 10 minutes every other day. Which is pretty sweet. And it's gotten me to the point where I feel like I can move on to a full-on exercise program without potentially dying halfway through.

I completely forget what the point of this post was at this point, so I guess this is just a shill post: Go exercise. And if you're like me and don't want to, just do this thing. It's easy and awesome.

(Side note: still not going outdoors without my shirt on, though. People around The Village are way too attractive. Bums me out. Also, still wildly pale as they haven't fixed the pool in my complex yet. Maybe next summer.)

Oxymoron and Vehicle Bands

So last night we went to see The Hush Sound over at The Door (what used to be The Gypsy Tea Room). I was a little worried at first. A) It's a Monday night concert, B) I've never heard of any of the opening bands except in passing, and C) I really don't know how well The Hush Sound would actually sound in concert, as their albums are full of super produced songs.

Surprisingly, though, it was a pretty great show. Full details below the cut (along with a couple of youtube videos).


So there were 4 bands up for the show: The Morning Light, Steel Train, The Cab, and The Hush Sound.

First band was supposed to go on at 7:30, so we figured it would be at least a couple of hours before The Hush Sound. But since I love going to gape at the potential horror that is opening bands, we got there before 8:00, with enough time to catch most of The Morning Light's set to start off the night.

I, uh, would like to follow the old adage about one's inability to say nice things, but I feel like some comment is in order. Umm, the drummer was really energetic, which was fun. And the lead singer got to use a tamborine, which he obviously enjoyed. So good for them.

Okay, it wasn't great - kinda like a Taking Back Sunday sort of vibe, crossed with some Death Cab, only not quite in tune, and not quite able to nail down the art of alternating between scream-singing and regular singing. But at least they were quick.

The delightfully named Steel Train was next, and I'm not even going to pretend to be objective here - I loooooved this set. I had never heard of these people before, but from the very first second the lead singer started up with his crazy eyes, they had me hooked. I am not kidding in the slightest. Dude looked about 2 degrees from just murdering everyone in the crowd, but damn if they didn't put on one of the best opening sets I've ever seen. Polished, musical, a little crazy, I was all the way onboard. And then there was the Mamma Mia singalong section which lost me for a moment, but their closer got me right back on track with enough heavy drums to shake the foundations of my brain. Complete love.

Then things got weird.

So, supposedly The Cab is next. Which I have heard of before, but in my mind I had associated a whiny emo band with this name. Instead we get an afro-ed Christian Siriano look-alike playing an acoustic guitar and an oily longhaired dude in a wifebeater, singing random warbling songs, interspersed with nsync covers. I swear to God, it was like the most unexpected thing.

Mostly because it turns out that they kind of are a whiny emo band (okay, less whiny than most, they aren't that bad) but they were missing half their members and all of the band part.

Whatever, it was weird, but not horrible. The guitarist was actually a shockingly great player with some nice pitch, and the Timberlake-wannabe had a pretty good voice, while doing hand gestures to mimic the lyrics he was singing. If questioned at gunpoint, I would admit that it was actually kind of entertaining. And when the guy behind us yelled "Do Sexyback!" I about lost my shit. Good times.

And then there was The Hush Sound. Who were actually really good, despite a bit of soundcheck issues (I swear the lead mic was too quiet by at least half). They're fun, and pretty energetic despite obviously being crazy exhausted. Various highlights:

• The drummer nearly killing himself with a microphone in the first song by being the most hyper drummer in the history of bands. I thought he was going to rattle the flimsy stage into pieces with his hopping and bopping around.
• The completely out of left field cover of Back in the USSR, which is just a great song in general.
• The attempt at bandmember banter, where the lead girl was obviously far too tired to care, and just stopped to stare at the bass player for 20 seconds rather than give a response to his zinger. I don't know if it was supposed to be, but it was damn hilarious.
  
• Oh, and the cover of the Jackson 5's Want You Back. A good night for covers (the nsync excepted) all around.

A few of videos from the night:

The weird Mamma Mia Interlude from Steel Train:


The Cab(ish) - I'll Run:


The Hush Sound and Steel Train doing I Want You Back:

There are Worse Things than Consumer Weekends

Jason Finance Watch for August

Things Bought:

• New wireless mouse, complete with scrollwheel and magical laser tracking
• DVDs of Cloverfield and X-2, on super sale at Best Buy
  
• New full size memory foam mattress pad for bed, replacing previous pad that was only for a twin (and also gross and ancient)
  
• New 500 thread count sheet set for bed to enhance new pad (and replace the jersey knit sheets that were suffocating me at night)
  
• New down comforter to enhance new sheet set
• Tickets to go see The Hush Sound at The Door tonight (!!)
  
• Insurance for my car for the next 6 months (also entitled: Holy Shit, Insurance is Expensive)
  

Things Not Bought:

• New wireless keyboard to replace my still working wired one
• DVD of A Bug's Life, which was only on $5 off sale
  
• New pillows to go with abovementioned bed set
• New duvet cover for same
• New bedskirt to prevent clashing
  
• Tickets to see Ben Folds in October at the Palladium
• The oil change for my car that was scheduled for last Friday
• A dog

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the balance struck, between buying and not buying. Particularly since I didn't spend any of my non-essentials budget in July, so if you rollover that amount into this month, I still can be considered on budget.

And also, my bed is now so awesome, it's hard to fathom. And I did it without resorting to spending scads of money on a whole new mattress (which I also really wanted to buy).

Woo consumerism!

Filler Friday

An amalgamation of the things rattling through my head today:

• So, my mouse died two days ago. I should clarify that to be a computer mouse, not a pet mouse that I might have had, or one that was living in my house against my will. I guess 6 years is an appropriate lifespan for a mouse, but I still miss it. Particularly since I went to three different stores and couldn't find a single mouse that was of comparable quality that did not cost over $60 dollars.
  
  Instead, I had to resort to online shopping, and due to shipping times I have spent the last 2 days using my backup mouse (AKA, the original Dell mouse that came with my boss's 1994 desktop computer, which I have in my closet for some reason.) Do you remember what mice were like in 1994? It's terrifying. I will never take my scroll wheel for granted again.
  
  
• In that Fergie song Glamorous, the line is "After the Grammys, I like to go out with my family/Sipping, reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang."
  
  It's not "when I had a mustache," as I had so remembered it in my mind. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Also, I'm not sure which part bothers me more - that I remembered it wrong in the first place, or the fact that I never questioned why she used to have a mustache.
  
  . . . I don't know, leave me alone, I'm tired.
  
  
• I went to the automated car wash yesterday because my Jaguar looked like it had been through a sandstorm, after the last mini-rainstorm we had that knocked the remaining pollen from that devil tree outside my apartment. In line in front of me was a truck that had one of those huge bike mounts attached to the back. When the flailing wheels of scrubbers tried to clean the back gate of the truck, the left flailer got lodged in the mount, and in retaliation for this, the entire machine attempted to drag the truck off the track and into the shadowy recesses to the side. Eventually the flailer was dislodged without destroying itself or eating the truck, so normally this wouldn't even be a story worth relating.
  
  But apparently the owner of said truck must have had some super deep seated fear of automated car washes, because he absolutely lost his shit when the machine got stuck and started pulling against the truck. Not like angry losing it, like scared losing it - huge terrified look on his face as if a T-Rex was gnawing on the back end of the car, what looked like a shriek of horror, and then randomly slamming his hands down on his horn. As if maybe the mechanical cleaning device would be all "Oh, a loud noise, I should stop what I'm doing."
  
  It was definitely the strangest thing I've seen in at least 5 days.
  
  
• So I've been rewatching the third season of How I Met Your Mother (because I have absolutely no life, and scheduled TV is junk right now) and it's so strange. It's got to be the most wildly uneven single season of TV I've ever seen, short of the 5th season of Buffy. Some utterly garbage episodes, immediately beside others that qualify as some of the best in the whole series. I think the strike worked really hard against them, but I'm still not sure if that's a sufficient excuse. But anyways, the real thing I want to talk about is how shockingly sad the whole Barney/Ted breakup thing is over those last few episodes of the season. It was actually kind of moving, which is just super weird. So help me if Neil Patrick Harris does not win that Emmy.
  
  
• Oh, and in conjunction with that, have I recently mentioned my ungodly crush on the NPH? Because damn. And it's just been further increased by the whole Dr. Horrible Sing-along Blog thing, in which he is just too perfect for words, and is also terribly cute, and is also the saddest thing I've seen since Atonement.
  
  I refuse to get suckered in by Joss Whedon ever again. I have a little post-it now right next to my computer. It reads "Don't trust Whedon when love is involved. It's going to end horribly and you're going to cry." And then there's a little picture I drew of a sad faced beaver next to a tombstone.
  

Write What You Know

Man, I had this whole thing planned out, where I could write an entry that would combine two stories that I wanted to tell into one, and it would be interesting and compelling. (yeah, right, but let's let me have my delusion how 'bout?)

Instead I'm going to whine about health care for a little while and then call it a day.

Because sweet damn, I have the most ungodly headache going on, and it's been like this for 36 hours straight. My allergies have apparently taken to just lying in wait for 3-4 month periods, before deciding to mount a full on hostile takeover of my entire body for a quick, if utterly crushing, 3 or 4 day allergy-fest. I don't think I've had a single sinus related headache since February, and now suddenly I can't even get a bright light in my peripheral vision, for the fear that it will send me off on an epic sneezing adventure that will continue until my body quite literally shuts down from the spikes of pain between my eyes (This happened twice yesterday. Why my office has such blinding lights is complete beyond me).

Now normally, I would just go to the doctor for an allergy shot, as I used to find a $55 expense a completely reasonable trade off for the ability to become a functional member of society again. But due to the restructuring of my employment, I'm now on an individual health care plan. Which is a very cute way of saying that I have absolutely no coverage for anything that is not a life threatening hospital visit.

So what used to be $55 is now more like $347, and that's assuming it's just an allergy attack and not actually a sinus infection, the thought of which I immediately banish. Lab costs are a thing invented by the devil to sap both my will to live and any potential that I had of actually getting to buy a new bed before the end of the year.

But anyways, on to the real whining!

Why, in God's name, is it so expensive to see a doctor? Or more helpfully, why is it impossible to get regular health coverage as a singular person that doesn't cost more than $500 a month? It's not like I'm a health risk. I go to the doctor approximately twice a year, and both times it's for this allergy shot. The only hospital visit I've ever had was 2 years ago (the whole epic trial that was my little finger's battle with sharp dishes). There's no one out there who's willing to take on that little liability for less than $6,144 (the reigning champ for lowest HMO bid I got from 11 different insurance companies)?

My mind, it boggles. Or it would boggle, if it could do anything but throb wildly with pain.

----------------

Ugh. But we shall think positive thoughts. Maybe tomorrow this will have all resolved itself and we can get back to the original plan of this totally being my month.

Angry Torch-wielding Homeowners

In my apartment complex's never-ending quest to annoy me to the point of madness, they have hit upon the best way to drive me from happiness to rage faster than I believed possible. Namely, the entrance gate immediately outside my building has started malfunctioning.

But wait, malfunctioning doesn't quite cover it. What's it called when you think something is maliciously not working on purpose? Sabotage.

Yes, that's it. I think the gate is actively trying to sabotage my happiness. Because sometimes it works. I push the little button on my keyring, and the gate magically slides open. This happens approximately once in every 5 attempts, just enough for me to keep trying it, even though it probably won't. To make things worse, there's no rhyme or reason to when it will open. Sometimes in the mornings, the keyring won't work, but if I get my car all the way up to the gate to leave, it will start opening. Other mornings, the keyring works from all the way at my front door (rarely). Then the next time I try it (like this morning) not only does the keyring not work, getting up right next to the gate won't trigger the opening either, and I have to drive all the way around to the main gate.

Repeat those same options for every other time of the day (coming home from work, coming home late after a movie, leaving in the afternoon to go on an ice cream run, etc.) and vary the responses completely at random, and you start to get the idea of the roulette wheel that has become my attempts to leave or enter my apartment complex. But again, the randomness seems to have a darker edge - it's more likely not to work when I'm particularly late, or in a bad mood, or generally exhausted. And the time it's most likely to not work at all? When I'm in an okay mood, but just need one more thing to push me right into an official bad mood. This gate is sentient, and it's vicious.

"Well Jason," you say. "Why not just use the main gate all the time then? Why subject yourself to torture at the hands of an evil incarnate mechanical fence when there is a reasonable alternative right there available?"

Because, blog person, the other option (the main gate) is very far away. Like, several dozen feet. And if I want to let someone into the main gate, it involves putting on shoes (and probably clothes too, since I'm pretty brief with outfits in my house, since it's 100s of degrees in Texas right now) and actually walking those feet myself, to get in keyring range of said gate. Plus, there are stairs involved! 6 of them! Alternatively, if I go to let someone into the gate by my building, the most I have to walk is the 10 feet into my living room (clothing optional).

And if I'm the one going in or out, I have to traverse the Speed Bumps of Inappropriate Size and Placement, AKA the driveway that wraps around my building. Seriously, I have never met speed bumps so poorly constructed and placed in my life. They look like they were built by 8 year-olds playing with modeling clay - little snakes across the drive that vary in height and texture. I care way too much about the underside of my beautiful car than I care to admit, but even I will allow that I'll do everything in my power to avoid ever driving over those things, up to and including throwing a little temper tantrum inside my car and scaring the kids next door.

But yeah, I'm not the only one who has this really powerful anger towards the capriciously mean gate - all my neighbors have been slowly simmering with their rage, and they're just about to boil over. Yesterday, when I got home I tried to come in the near gate, but it wouldn't open. My next door neighbor was immediately behind me in the drive coming in, and thus he had to back up directly into traffic in order for us to get to the main gate. After a very near crash with a DART bus making a questionably illegal left turn, he made it home, but upon getting out of his car he unleashed a string of obscenities that was impressive even to me, a person who conjugates new forms of the word fuck daily.

When you combine this latest problem with the lack of gas for 4 months earlier this year, the interruption of mail for 4 days last week, and the continued closure of the apartment pool due to lack of working pump, I can practically feel the rage of my neighbors seeping through the walls. Because did I already mention the heat? You don't deprive people of their only source of cool water when you can fry an egg on the concrete outside their front door. A gate that thwarts you at every turn is the last straw that may very well break our collective camel's back, to twist a metaphor beyond recognition.

I'm just waiting for the night when a mob of angry homeowners comes a'knocking, rousing me to come join them on their quest to overthrow the homeowners association president who lives at the top of the hill.

Why else would I have this pitchfork lying next to the front door?

On Being Less Crazy

So lately, I'm always nervous.

And this isn't one of those 'always' modifiers that is hyperbolic - I'm quite literally nervous every second of every day. Even in my sleep, my teeth are grinding themselves down into little flat cubes while my brain works overtime. So much so that I'm actively considering getting a mouth guard to rescue them. Except I'm too poor to get a fancy fitted one from a dentist, so I'm talking about one that you would normally see attached to a football helmet. I'm still all manners of classy, you see.

The cause of all this paralyzing nervousness is mostly job related. Once upon a time, the mortgage industry was stressful and full of very high maintenance people but it was always guaranteed to be there, all solid and professional. I mean, people always need houses, right? Heh, yeaahhhhh, not so much.

Now, in the past 4 months, I have had three separate scares wherein my office was closing, and I had about 10 days to find new employment in an industry that is downsizing so wildly that my contacts portfolio is now 1/8 the size it was 6 months ago. Each one of these announcements was eventually rescinded in the face of hopefulness for the future, but not before I had personally spent enough money on Tums to keep the antacid industry solvent for at least the rest of the decade. The fact that I still have my same job is a good testament to the tenacity of the people in our office, but also is a sign that we're more than a little insane (see also: the unholy tic that I've developed in my lower left eyelid).

In any case, though, I keep a vigilant watch over the job market, on the odd chance that I can jump to a more stable ship. One less likely to cause a psychotic break, for instance. Or maybe one that didn't toy with my emotions like a sadistic game of musical chairs.

But it's weird how exhausting just the idea of job hunting can be. I mean, my tribulations with the application process are well documented (probably on this blog, for that matter), but in my mind, I remember it mostly as a lot of embarrassing but funny little anecdotes. In the new harsh reality of today, I'm no better at interviews now than back then, only I've developed the nervous tic of calling everyone in the world Sir, like I'm goddamn Marcie from Peanuts.

This is not my beautiful post-college life.

-----------------------------

All that said, though, I'm moving on. I'm employed for a least another month, and I fully resolve to be less of a basket case this month. I'm going back to the old ways - blogging in my spare time, rather than rocking back and forth in a little ball on my bed, going out for drinks in the afternoon instead of trolling Monster.com for alternate careers that don't involve a collapsing housing market and the cannibalization of the banking industry. Socializing with real, live, humans!

This will be my month, dammit. I will be fun. And willful. And confident. And possibly (probably) very drunk for most of it.

-----------------------------

Although I do wish I had picked a less offensively hot month to be mine. It's gotta be like, 107 degrees outside right now. Even if I had a mouth guard, it would probably be a little puddle of plastic by now.

See?!

Finally, something that's sort of a positive.

Totally my month.

Watch out, world.

No Good, Terrible, Bad Days

I was in the worst mood.

I had just spent 9 completely unproductive hours in the office and all I had to show for it were three new paper cuts, 2 new bills that I hadn't realized would be due, and a splitting headache to boot.

When I got home and found my apartment smelling terrible due to a lack of kitchen cleaning, I was about ready to lose it. But I was feeling just put-upon enough that my righteous indignation carried me all the way through a really thorough cleaning of the whole apartment.

Afterward I was still in a funk and riding that same wave of adrenaline, so I decided to work out too. I ran through a Tae bo routine (because I live at least 8 years behind the rest of the world at all times) and then powered through a whole bunch of weightlifting until I was just completely exhausted, and just about dripping with sweat.

Finally I sort of felt my anger at the day melting away. All I wanted to do was crash and watch the last new movie I had from Blockbuster - The Assassination Jesse James Blah Blah Etc and Whatnot. I figured if there was ever going to be a time when I was willing to sit through a 3 hour period drama about the Old West, it would be right then - when I could barely raise an arm, let alone turn get off the couch and turn off a DVD player in disgust.

Except that, once I had toweled off the majority of my sweat and grabbed the DVD envelope, it turned out that they had sent me the wrong disc. Instead of The Assassination of Brad Pitt by One of those Affleck Boys, I had Disc Two of Ellen DeGeneres Here and Now.

Man, I was so steamed. Not that I really have anything against Ellen, but still, when you're expecting hot guys in cowboy hats and you get a lesbian doing stand-up, it's a tough blow to roll with. Really, it was just the whole day and that was the last straw. But I think I was still really pumped up on all the testosterone from the workout, because rather than just collapsing on the couch for a good cry (as my normal response would be) without thinking, I gathered up all my DVD's and bolted for my car to Blockbuster. I was going to find something there that I really wanted to watch and somehow salvage this terrible day.

---------

I entered Blockbuster with an air of restrained fury and was determined to find a movie and get out in under 10 minutes. When the guy at the checkout counter faltered in the middle of his routine greeting, I probably should have realized things would never be that smooth:

"Hi! Welcome to Blo-*ahem*"

Instead I assumed that maybe my withering glance in his direction had shocked him into silence. About 3 minutes later, though, I caught a quick glance of myself in the reflection of a window, and understood that it was probably my appearance that had shut him up. It also explained the little twitch of a laughing smile he repressed too.

Because in my mini-fury, I had forgotten that I was still in my workout outfit - super small black running shorts, XXXL muscle tee that hung off my shoulders so far that it revealed better than half my chest, and my hair standing straight into the air about 10 inches, from being held back in a headband for an hour.

Whatever. I didn't care, I've got a fine self body image, and I made peace with my hair months ago. I grab my movie (The Descent - I want to see some cave-dwelling monsters get their skulls crushed in. Still very full of testosterone.) and get in line. There were only two other people ahead of me, and they were both high school girls. At first they were giggling and messing around with the various impulse items in the line. As I came up in line they fell into a hushed series of whispers. I tried to tune out as much of their antics as possible, and focused on the rack of candy to my side.

Just visualizing getting home, watching some mindless horror, and putting this horrible day behind me--

"Hey," says Girl #1. They've both turned to stare at me.
"Uh, me?" I look up from the bag of Pixi Sticks I am reading and trying to talk myself out of buying and look around to make sure I'm not blocking someone they know.
"Yeah, you," she saids giggling, punctuating her 'you' with an index finger to my shoulder.
("Is she picking a fight with me?" I start to wonder.)
"What's your name?" She cocks her head to one side and just her hip to the opposing side.
"Uh, Jason." I start praying in my head that this is not going where I think it's going.
"Oh, cool. Jaaason." She draws my name out and smiles. Maybe she's just drunk. Or high.
"I'm Brie. This is Candice. What'cha renting? The Descent? That looks scary. I really like scary movies. But only if I have someone to hold on to." By the end of this rambling line of thought, she's officially moved into my personal space.
"Ahh, I see," I murmur as quietly as possible, narrowing my eyes and attempting to back up, only then realizing that I had already backed up as far as possible and was pressing by back into the candy rack.
I dart my eyes over to the friend, to see if I can find some hint about what's going on here. Is this an elaborate dare? She's got this appraising look going on, and I suddenly really wish that I had more of a shirt on than I do right at this exact moment. High school girls are not this aggressive, right?
"So, are you here by yourself? Is this your first week off from school too?"

It doesn't matter that I'm still completely sort of pissed off from this day, or that I'm basically half naked and covered in sweat in a Blockbuster - I completely just bust out laughing. I don't mean to, but seriously. Like, uncontrollable laughter, from deep within. The two girls stop and look at each other a little puzzled, but don't join in. I realize right then that they might have actually been serious, but I cannot stop laughing. Luckily, almost simultaneous with my inappropriate bout of laughter the guy up front calls for the next person in line.

The girls tell me to go ahead, since they're still waiting for another friend of theirs, starting to look at me a little funny. I get it down to a mild chuckle and tell them thanks, and that it was nice to meet them.

The checkout guy can obviously tell something strange is going on, but he's not going to get involved.

As I head out the main door, my principle interrogator calls out "Bye Jason!"

Determined not to bust out laughing, I turn and wave goodbye. As creepy as it was, I suppose one should still take it as a compliment.

And turning back to leave, I manage to misjudge how far the door will open and slam half my body against the frame. And then - reaching back to steady myself from falling - I crunch the little finger on my right hand against the other door handle.

Not daring to look back I virtually sprint back to my car and vow to never leave the house ever again.

Worst. Day. Ever.

The Revolution Will Only Be Televised on the Internet

So about two weeks ago, I went to watch my latest obsession, How It's Made on the Discovery Channel (which I love in a very deep 'I-wish-I-could-work-in-a-factory' sort of way). But when I turned on the TV, instead of my delicious cable, I found a black screen and a little box that said "One Moment - This channel should be available shortly".

That was totally a lie - there was no cable to be had for several days (by several I mean 10). And when I called the reprehensible Time Warner to complain, their response was "We're aware of the problem. No, we don't know what is wrong. Or when it will be fixed. Hope you're cool with that."

After I got over my spitting rage at the complete ineptitude of the world (seriously, at one point last week: cable (out), apartment gas (out), car (still not fixed), phone (cannot retrieve voicemail), insurance (not covering anything), payroll (not issuing me my cash). I was ready to shank someone.) I reassessed things and realized that this was no where near as bad as it seemed.

Mostly because cable TV is totally superfluous now.

Have you been to Hulu? Do you realize that at any time you can now pretty much whatever you want whenever you want, and all you have to suffer through is potentially 90 seconds of commercials per episode? Sure, it's not everything in the world, but it's enough to keep you going for a good long while.

Want some nostalgic sitcoms? You've got full seasons of NewsRadio, or Major Dad.

Looking for current dramas? How about every single episode of The Riches, Friday Night Lights, or the last season of Nip/Tuck?

Current comedies? You've got the last season of The Office, 30 Rock, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia right there waiting.

And then for your news needs - they keep the most current episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report right there for you to catch up on the next morning.

I swear, if they would just migrate How I Met Your Mother over from CBS.com, I don't know that I would ever need another thing.

Which brings up the other thing - anything else worth watching is almost certainly just an official website away. If you're into Ugly Betty, hit ABC.com (although they're still a little weird about what is available on any given day). Same thing if you've suffered a recent head injury and are still watching Grey's Anatomy. I already mentioned How I Met Your Mother. South Park has it's own website that dedicatedly streams every episode ever made.

Even How It's Made has it's own online channel.

Join me, my brothers, and throw off the chains of cable and satellite oppression. There's still time to escape and be free. You'll never have another productive hour of your life, so long as you still have internet access. It's a wonderful thing.