Breaking Point

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has An Office and Children (But more specifically to the one who is located in the office next to mine):

Hi. I see you have an office. That's nice, I have one too. Ah, and I see that you have children. Again, that's nice. I do not have children, as I tend to think of them as a plague on humanity and one of the most unfortunate side-effects of needing to extend the life of our species. But like I say, to each his own - good for you, making a family, furthering your bloodline, etc. I'm sure you're very proud.

The part I take offense with is the fact that you have brought your small child to the office. Now I assume that this child is not some sort of mathematical or business-minded savant and is not acting as your employee. If this is actually the case, then I apologize and leave it to you and the child-labor board to discuss. But as the child is currently banging his head against the wall over and over and over again, I will go on with my assumption that he is not under your employ. And also that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, if you catch my meaning.

So I have to protest this little home-invasion scenario you've got going on here. I'm considerate enough to not bring my crazy roommate up to the office to throw things at me and insult the size of my head, so I would hope you'd show similar consideration in bringing your house to the office. But apparently that ship has sailed.

But really, the main part of my complaint (besides the fact that the repeated banging of his head is against the wall that is 18 inches from my body) is that you thought it wise to accessorize your small child with a one-note recorder, the musical instrument equivalent of an ice-pick to my brain. Because your child, erroneously believing that he has some measure of musical talent, has taken to playing the rhythm from Jingle Bells, over and over and OVER, on just that one note. While banging his head against the wall.

And we are very close to the moment in which I will enact some cubicle justice and snap that recorder in half. Which will probably cause the small child to cry, but let's face it, even incomprehensible wailing would be better than One Note Jingle Bells right now.

So in the future, let's all save each other some serious grief, and leave your family at home to be tended by the TV, like God intended.

Thanks,
Jason