The Secret Arts of Targeting

Now I have had my share of bad jobs. I've worked carnival slides in 110 degree weather, I've served beer at concerts while standing in two feet of backed-up stadium water. I've guarded fashion shows and rode herd on a pack of horny 16 year-old boys at a summer camp.

But there is a level of disconnect to all of these things where you're allowed to laugh at the sheer absurdity of your required performance every once in a while. After the reigning Miss USA insults you to your face and then proceeds to get trapped in the cordon maze at the entrance to the fashion show, it's almost expected that you turn to the other guard, roll your eyes, and have a little snicker at her expense. When a counselor-in-training climbs into the rafters of your cabin and falls onto a bed, snapping the legs off it, it's okay to ask him if he recently donated his brain to science (dumbass) and then go out and play frisbee for an hour or so.

So I cannot say with any real level of empathy that I know what the cashiers at Target go through on Valentines Day. But I feel their pain on a very visceral level. Because you're right out there in the open at all times and you've got to maintain that efficient, friendly facade no matter what. There is no letting the customer see your reaction to the things they purchase. I don't know that I could handle not passing judgment on the customers that came through my line.

This leads to:

Yesterday after work, I stopped by Target to get my anti-Valentine's Day setup. I get in line and drop on to the conveyor belt: 1) really cheap bottle of white wine, 2) extra large family size tube of chocolate chip cookie dough, and 3) movie theatre size box of Goobers (I was denied my box set of Grey's Anatomy (sold out), which is the saddest part of this entire story). Which is a little embarrassing, but hey, I've got no shame.

However, there are also two guys in front of me in line. Guy A has: 1) bottle of red wine, 2)bouquet of roses, 3) little box of chocolates, and 4) seriously, the largest box of condoms I have ever seen in my life. Guy B, directly behind him has: 1) two bottles wine, one white and one red, 2) gigantic box of chocolates, 3) bottle of KY *ahem* personal lubricant and massage oil, and 4) box set of the first season of Queer as Folk(US).

How on Earth does a cashier go through all three of those customers and not spontaneously combust from holding in the laughter?

Kudos to you, Mr. Target cashier - you're a bigger man than I. (Because apparently I have the mentality of a 13 year-old.)