Vertigo

[Scene: Jason's Living Room. The Amazing Race has just ended. Jason is lying on his luxurious rug, finishing dessert.]

Jason: Mmm, cookies...

[The phone rings]

Jason: What the hell is that? [Jason's house phone does not ring very often] Oh right, I have a phone.

[Jason goes to stand up. He makes it 3/4 the way to vertical, before completely losing his balance and slamming back into the floor.]

Jason: Ooof. Woah, headrush, I guess.

[He tries again. He makes it to standing, takes two steps and then tips over and slams into the wall.]

Jason: What the hell?

[He tries a couple more steps and finds that he is so intensely dizzy that he's totally about to fall over again. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.]

Jason: Must...answer...phone.

[He drops down and attempts a fast crawl to the phone, finding that connecting to 4 points on the floor minimizes the chances of falling.]

Jason [answering the phone]: H-hello?
Goddamn Telemarketer: Hi, can I speak with Jason [Totally Mispronounced Last Name]?
Jason [the vertigo about to destroy him]: No, you really can't. Have a nice night. [Hangs up.]

[He slumps against the wall. What could possibly be causing this? He hasn't had anything to drink besides a glass of milk with the cookies. Bad milk? No, bought it two days ago. Bad dinner? It came from a restaurant. Unlikely.]

Jason [goes to the computer. On IM]: Jim! I'm suffering from extreme vertigo. If I die, I want you to avenge my death!
Jim: Okay. Who do I need to exact it on? Frank?
Jason: Yeah, Frank'll do. Not sure what is causing it. Maybe it's a carbon monoxide leak. I would open a window, but it's really cold outside.

[At this point Jason falls out of his chair. Deciding that frostbite would completely be worth getting rid of the falling, he stumbles out of the apartment in his pajamas.]

Jason: Christ! It's freezing out here.

[He runs back in, trips over a dining room chair, knocks over his big bowl of candy, which then begins to rain down Sweetarts on his head.]

Jason: This is not my beautiful life.

[He grabs his keys, runs back outside and to his car. Turns it on and waits for the heater to kick in. He waits out in the car, reading a book and hoping that this whole thing will blow over. 10 minutes pass.]

Jason: Well I feel better. Thank God. It is a carbon monoxide leak.

[Takes one step out of his car, tips straight over, trips on the curb, and slams into a tree.]

Jason: Maybe not.

[Deciding it's not an environmental thing, Jason goes back into his apartment and settles into his computer chair, determined to wait out the vertigo. He only falls out of the chair twice more, once when he goes to the bathroom, the other when he brushes his teeth. Eventually he gives up and goes to bed, still really dizzy. The night passes without event, and in the morning, everything is fine.]

[End scene]

Didn't my stories used to have endings to them? Or morals? Nowadays it seems like everything that happens is just completely random and pointless. Whatev. File this under: Not only is Jason clumsy, he now has Tennessee Williams-like spells.

So that's fun, right?