On Not Stabbing

A short list of reasons why I should receive a medal for my outstanding work in Not Stabbing People Who Deserve It:

• Did not stab the receptionist at the doctor's office who requested I come in for my appointment an hour early "because the doctor is already here," only to make me wait until later than 80 minutes after my scheduled appointment to get in to see him.
• Did not stab the doctor who saw me for 5 minutes, told me there was absolutely no reason to come in to his office (despite prevailing symptoms and other doctor referral), and then still charged me $8 million dollars (an estimate) for his (lack of) help.
• Did not track down and stab the tires of the 18-wheeler who tried (and mostly succeeded) to run me off the highway on the way back to my office, because the concept of looking to see if there is someone in the left hand lane next to him, or even goddamn signaling, was entirely beneath him.
• Did not stab a client through the phone after he got mad and bad-mouthed me to my boss for not acquiescing to his demand that I commit mortgage fraud for him.
• Did not stab the workers who dragged me across town, out of a meeting, to go unlock a door for them, only to call me back 30 minutes later, the second I made it back to my office, because they had locked themselves out again.
• Did not stab the Best Buy employee who adopted the most smug, condescending, assholish tone I have possibly ever heard when I asked him if they had a game in stock that he was unfamiliar with.
  
  "Oh, I think you're thinking of another game on a different system. This "game" you're talking about doesn't exist." (fucking air quotes his, btw)
  
  No, seriously, if you're going to be that condescending (protip: you should never be that condescending, unless you like getting stabbed) you had better know what the hell you're talking about. This game is real. It's not the same thing as what's included in this game. Please kindly go die in a fire. (Note: Remember, did not stab.)

For reals, I think I should totally get a medal. That takes some serious discipline.

The Catch Up-ening Part Screw It

You know what? I have no desire to recap the last three weeks of my life, and you most certainly don't care about it enough to read it. So we're doing a 10 second wrap up instead. Hold on to your hats:

• Doctor (lame)
• Work (boring)
• Thanksgiving (pie)

There. You missed absolutely nothing, save a very detailed explanation of how I managed to defy physics by eating three whole pies, 3 lbs of turkey, and an entire dish of stuffing (quite literally all by myself) in under three days, and still managed to lose a pound of weight by the end of the holiday weekend. I'm sure we're all glad that we dodged that bullet.

We now return to our regularly scheduled intermittent posting.

The Catch Up-ening - Part One

So I got older this month.

I tend to stretch my Birthday Celebration into something more like Birthweek Celebration, or similar. Basically I allow myself a full 7 days to revel in my advancing age, not content to contain my fun to a single 24 hour period. This has many advantages (more fun, less tight planning, more rationalization for slacking off), and since I don't usually go in for an actual party (who wants to go through the hassle of hosting a party on their birthday?) it's good fun for everyone.

This year we did a late birthday week, as my birthday was on a Monday and the following weekend was SMU Homecoming. Eschewing the petty details (like the actual date) I celebrated nothing on Monday, and started up the partying on Thursday (the night of the aforeblogged Regina concert).

We did that first night after the concert out at what I call The Cougar Bar, which we seem to keep going to despite how horrifying the patrons tend to be. An excerpt from that night:

Jim: It is not cold here, I know what cold is like.
Devon: You are crazy, it is freezing out here!
[A cop car pulls up]
Devon: And what's with the po-lice?
[Walking nearby, a drunken barfly spots the squad car and "nonchalantly" wanders over to us]
Drunken Guy: Hey guys, I'm [name forgotten]. I'm gonna sit here with you guys for a while, you seem like some nice guys to hang out with, guys. [Eyes flick to the cops]
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [Awkward Silence]
Drunken Guy: [Puts his arm around Jim] So what are you guys up to?
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [More Awkward Silence]
Drunken Guy: [Looks over at Jim] What's your name, guy?
Jim: [Awkwardly] Jim.
Drunken Guy: Heeey, Jim. I'm [name forgotten].
Jim: Yeah, you already said that.
[More awkward silence, for several minutes, until the police car finally rolls away. Almost immediately after, a bartender comes out.]
Bartender: Okay man, time to go, they're gone now. Get some rest.
Drunken Guy: But-but-but, I'm just hanging with my new friends...
Jason, Devon, Jim, Frank: [Raised eyebrows, concerned/horrified looks all around]
Bartender: Yeah, uh-huh. Go on, now.
Drunken Guy: Well it was nice to meet you, Jim.
[He wanders off, weaving across the busy street. Theoretically to go home, but we actually see him sneak into the bar next door minutes later]
Jason: Well, now that some random guy has hit on Jim, we can properly move on with the night.

It was a nice quietly paced night after that. Primarily because I had to be at the office at 8:00am the next morning for a closing, and I don't do mornings hungover very well.

Friday saw a morning of work, an afternoon of delicious food, and a two hour happy hour at the local sports bar involving only one beer, but a very large cookie with ice cream instead. Later that night we hit an independent movie (see sidebar) and learned (well, confirmed) that the idea of a bar in the movie theatre is possibly the best use of modernization this century.

Saturday was the SMU Homecoming, both the game and tailgating Boulevarding. Because there's nothing wrong with starting drinking at 11:00am, provided you are on a rich campus, and it's birthday week. The Engineering School managed to finally pay dividends for me, when I scored some delicious free lunch, free beer, and free tickets to the game. That is, after we were finally able to track down everyone in our motley crew, as united we are invincible, while divided we're just kinda sad.

After a quick tour of the strip, where we visited many old friends and mortal enemies alike, I scored a foldable frisbee (which will be perfect for winging at Frank for years to come) and we moved on to the game. We stayed for two quarters (with the exception of Frank, who lit out from the Boulevard the second we mentioned the game, like they were housing Ebola in the stadium) and then abandoned the Mustangs to their eventual last second loss the second halftime was over. I went off to nap and run as many errands as possible before our planned night of debauchery.

Said planned night of debauchery got off to a very slow start when the piano bar we attempted to visit had a line down the block (damn all the homecomings!). Instead we went down near The Cougar Bar again, this time to a place which served delicious hurricanes, and contained the most cliched band on the planet.

Recipe: Take one part Bono imitator, dark sunglasses while indoors, and ironic Ramones t-shirt. Age for 10 long years. Add one elderly bass guitarist, mix well with black pleather pants until sufficiently horrified. Lightly sprinkle with out-of-place younger guitarist and season with really loud drumming to taste. Serve with as much alcohol as you can stand.

I was able to get drunk on approximately three drinks, because I am malnourished to the point of waif status. We made a quick stop at a local Irish pub so that I could have my traditional Southern Comfort drink to end the night and Devon and Jim could question their reasoning skills on letting me drink in public.

I don't remember Sunday, but I assume nothing too important happened that day, other than the viewing of football and the liberal consumption of chicken fried steak. (You have to wind down the birthday week. That's why you get multiple days.) And just like that, Jim headed back to parts north, and we returned to non-birthday status. Woe.

But it was definitely a solid birthday weekend, and I firmly endorse the concept of applying such an extension to everyone else. Take your time, enjoy yourself. It only happens once a year.

The Most Terrifying Thing in the World

Lo, gaze upon it and despair:



Seriously, what the hell? If I break out into a single song from Dirty Dancing, you're legally allowed to punch me in the face.

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Also, that title is a lie. I was trying to protect you. The Real Most Terrifying Thing is where I morph into a Gilmore Girl. But even I have limits to what I will inflict on the general public.

Edit: No, it turns out that I don't. Behold, truly, The Most Terrifying Thing There Ever Was Or Will Be:



Now see if you'll sleep at night ever again. (I know I won't.)

Fangirling Of the Highest Order

Thursday night Jim and I went to see Regina Spektor at the House of Blues. It was a most excellent show, and my unending love for her continues utterly unabated. (Alliteration woo!)

Below the cut is the full recap, which is probably monumentally boring and will contain an overuse of exclamation points that would make my normal grammar-conscious self wince forever. But Regina is granted an exception.

Short form: Regina = Love.

Click below for the total recounting


(Note: So almost a year ago to the day, Regina played at the Gypsy Tea Room. I went back and dug up my old post on the subject, and it's surprising how well I conveyed my feelings on that night. It literally was the best concert I've ever been to. This one was not as great as that one, but it was still damn good. Anyways. )

The concert was at 7:30 at The House of Blues. Not only did we manage to make it down to the West End in time to get dinner, we made it into the theatre before Only Son (the opening band) started up. (Although there was a slight delay when one of the security guards tried to kill Jim, by zapping his cyborg heart.) After navigating past the rogue agent (without Jim punching anyone, which was nice of him) we had a pretty nice vantage spot to see the whole show, by luck picking the right side of the stage to see Regina while she was on the piano. And we didn't even have to push anyone to get it.

Only Son was alright, with almost the exact same set and spiel as last year, practically verbatim. There was a new little bit where he had a prerecorded conversation with his iPod (who needs a band to back you up when you have an iPod? Not this guy, that's for sure), which bordered on horrifyingly twee, but still managed to land on the side of cute and quirky. Barely.

He raced through his set and then we only had to wait for Regina about 15 minutes.

Things that were strange and/or annoying about her show:
- The guy who brought his 5 year old child to the show, and proceeded to push as far forward as possible with her up on his shoulders. Not that Regina isn't awesome, but she's not exactly child appropriate. Luckily they bolted within a couple of songs.
- The two giant girls who pressed up into the crowd to reach their "friends," only to stop when they got directly in between Jim and myself and said "Oh well." And then just stood there. It was bizarre and sort of angering, especially since I couldn't move to stand by Jim without placing myself immediately behind some 6'5" behemoth. Concert courtesy, people! Where has it gone?(although better news on that later.)
- The fact that the HOB kept kicking the air conditioning off and on throughout the whole show. We were packed in there tight, you'd think they would go ahead and just keep the cooling coming. A sweaty crowd is no one's friend.

Things that were good:
- The crowd, which was very well-behaved for a concert-going crowd. Almost literally silent while Regina was playing the quiet stuff, except for the singing along to the popular songs. And even then, there was none of that horribly loud obnoxious sing-along that I could hear. Plus, no excessively annoying "Woo!"-ing in the middle of songs, which is my #1 pet peeve at concerts. I mean, there was some, but nothing too egregious. Even the shouted declarations of love and marriage proposals during the song breaks seemed more sweet and less intrusive than usual.
- Our immediate neighbors in the crowd (excepting the two large interlopers above) who were all very fun and sympathetic, particularly the tiny girl who stood next to me and commiserated over the couple standing nearby who were making out almost constantly throughout the show.
- The venue itself, which while less personal than the Gypsy Tea Room, gave: excellent lighting throughout, very good sound, more airy space, and easy access to the bar from the stage.

Things that were excellent:
Regina (obviously), who was as usual ridiculously cute and chock full of talent (although a little quieter than usual in terms of crowd participation. It was a clock-work like show, very little patter between songs).
Set list and comments to follow:

1. Ain't No Cover
2. On the Radio (an excellent rendition, not too fast or slow)
3. Sailor Song
4. Baby Jesus (one of my favorite songs, and better than any version I have currently. More enunciated than usual, and just so cute and quirky)
5. One More Time With Feeling (which I only had one (sort of bad) recording of, and which is an amazing song. Anyone who has a clear recording of this one needs to get in touch with me asap)
6. Music Box (memo to Large Girl #1: you are not allowed to call yourself a "Huge Regina Spektor fan" if you announce during this song "Hey, isn't this from that commercial?!" Unless you were meaning Huge in a sheer volume sort of way. In which case: Totally.)
7. Flowers
8. Better (sweet damn, seriously, I'm not sure words can express how much I love this song.)
9. Bobbing For Apples (this is the reason why 5 year-olds should not be at a Spektor concert, see video below)
10. That Time (on the guitar! Very impressive, as last year she didn't really seem all that confident on it)
11. Après Moi (that Russian bit in middle is always shockingly good live. She gets some serious emotion going on in this one.)
12. Blue Lips (!!! Seriously! I love this song, and never in a million years thought I would ever see it live. Amazing!)
13. Summer in the City (A battle for my favorite song (with Better) and this one may actually win out. The lighting on this one was particularly good, and it's at least 50 times better live than on the album. I'm pretty sure it was also right around here that Jim gave me the 'Jason's Crazy' look, as I still had yet to wipe the goddamn goofy grin off my face since the concert had started.)
14. A Lesson in How Fleeting Preservation Is (it seems like a strange song for a concert, as it's kinda obscure and sort of just abruptly ends, but still cool. I mentioned earlier about her emotion - on a lot of these non-Begin to Hope songs she really brought her A-game. This and Once More With Feeling, in particular. When Regina is feeling a song, people best watch out. You get chills.)
15. Ghost of Corporate Future ("Especially Fox!" I assume it's a standard line now, but man it cracked me up)
16. Real Love (as usual, amazing)

Encore
17. Us (While usually one of my favorites, I was not feeling this one at all that night)
18. Uh-merica (!!! Audience participation! I almost died, it was so cute.)
19. Fidelity
20. Hotel Song (w/ Only Son) (Probably the highlight of the entire show, and redeemed the boy entirely for me, as it was so cute and hilarious. I really like it when it seems like the performers are enjoying themselves, and they looked like they were having a ball.)
21. Field Below
22. Samson

And to top it all off, it was incredibly easy to get out afterwards, and over to Greenville for a quick night of light drinks and catching up with old friends.

As usual, Regina is the best thing ever!

Need visual proof?



(end fangirling)

Charity Man, Charity Man

In continuing the theme of charity and goodwill I've got going with the rice and my lack of vocabulary - y'all know I'm big on the Donors Choose, right? It's totally the best charity, because you get to pick out individual things to fund - right down to the classroom if you'd like. You know exactly where your contributions go and they're directly felt.

In just this past year I've been able to help autistic kids get context recognizing computer equipment AND send a busload of kids to the aquarium to see a real live shark. That's a pretty awesome non-profit, if I do say so myself.

And anyways, since I need a whole lot of good karma to survive, building it up by funding individual school projects seems like as good a method as any.

All of that to say that the last project I picked for funding - Clay and Origami for Inner City Dallas Kids is still $115 dollars short, and the timeline is already half over. So if you have some spare cash, you should look towards helping small children learn how to fold cool animals and/or shape them out of clay.

Because all kids should know how to fold things, and you know you could use the extra karma.

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I swear I'll get back to longwinded stories about injuring myself soon enough. (Also a recap of a crazy homecoming weekend, which saw me out in the world, doing real things. Crazy!)

Rice Vs. Vocabulary

Have you heard about Free Rice?

It's an online vocabulary game that donates 10 grains of rice to the WFP for every word that you correctly identify the definition of. It's pretty cool, in that you can do something good for the world (in a completely non-participatory way), and I really like that it strengthens the correlation between literacy and societal awareness.

But mostly, omigosh, I am obsessed with getting my Vocabulary Level up. Because I like to think of myself as pretty well-read, but I'll be damned if I can't get past level 45. It is destroying my way of life, and I swear this site is trying to make up words. I mean: "Nonesuch?" Isn't that the fake thing from Huckleberry Finn that they used to scam that one town? Or did I recently suffer a stroke?

Still, you should go play. Vocabulary is awesome. And won't you think of the children?

(But also, when you're thinking of the children try not to think of all the grains of rice that you are potentially depriving them of when you miss a word. Especially the easy ones. It will just make you sad.)

Equal Opportunity for Nephews

If we're gonna make this an old man blog, we might as well go all the way.

(Jason with Eli, the rockin' nephew)

Obligatory self-deprecation: Good Lord, could my jaw be any more massive? And you may want to wear shades, lest my pasty skin blind you.

But dang, isn't that a cute kid?

In Which I Triumph Over Double Cheeseburgers and Technology

Yearly Blood Test - Completed
# of Previous Diseases - 0
# of New Diseases - 0
Previous Cholesterol Score - 310
New Cholesterol Score - 162!

If there was a show call Biggest Cholesterol Loser, I would totally be winning right now.

So can I finally go back to eating McDonalds twice a week?
What do you mean I have to continue the diet to keep the cholesterol where it is?!

Y'all, I am so tired of fat-free milk and no red meat, you have no idea.

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I swore to myself that I wouldn't turn this into an old man blog. But I love this picture with reckless abandon:

(Jason and Julia, the tiniest niece in the world)

Does it worry anyone else that my cheekbone juts out enough in that picture that it looks like I might have a tumor? Or that my skin is so oily you can almost see the reflection of the camera in my pores?

Just me? Okay.

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So, as I alluded to in my last entry, I got home this weekend and decided to rearrange my room.

Or to be way more long-winded about it (naturally), I got home and found the wireless Internet to be in complete disarray. After my normal tinkering did a whole lot of nothing, I decided to finally break down and spring for a new router and wireless card. Preferably ones that were made after the year 2000, in opposition to the coconut-radio/squirrel-powered system I had running right then.

At Best Buy, I was told by the (bastard) helpful salesman that the new router he handed me would not only be faster and have a longer range, it would totally be plug-and-play with our current system, as it was the same brand, just an upgraded model.

Yeah - that was a (fucking) lie of the highest order. I'm not even remotely kidding. The two systems were so far apart that just booting up the new router to accept signals meant rigging up an elaborate system of hardwired Ethernet cords that stretched the length of the house, setting up about four different trip-wire type booby traps at various doorways. And that installing the controlling drivers for the card and router somehow disabled my DVD drive.

And that once I got that fixed, and the router was up and running, it turned out that "backwards compatible" didn't so much mean that it would work with older standards of wireless. Instead it meant that you could configure the router to run the old standard or the new standard. Not both. So since I had a new wireless card and Frank had an old one, only one of us would be getting to use the Internet at any given time.

And on top of that, my "faster, wider-range connection" was actually running at 35% of the strength of my old coconut/squirrel connection. Plus, did I mention that for the router to set up a wireless connection with a computer, the computer had to first be physically connected to the router? Is that not the most insane thing you've ever heard?

But whatever. After, literally, 4 hours of brute force hacking away at the network, rather than A) go all Sophie's Choice between Frank's and my Internet, or B) destroy the new non-working devices with an axe (my favorite option), we decide for secret option C) take back the $200+ system and go buy a $30 length of Ethernet cable and just hardwire both of our rooms to the Internet.

This process took all of 5 minutes to set up, used the old reliable router, and the only drawback was one long cord that ran the length of the living room and hallway, along the wall. I will take the decorating hit to save my sanity. And new direct connections mean delicious Internet with absolutely no waiting, signal loss, or devious neighbors sucking my bandwidth dry like hungry mosquitoes at a 4th of July picnic.

Anyways, the result of this (horrifyingly boring) story is that running the line into my bedroom was much easier if my desk was on the opposite wall from my normal room configuration. And being the obliging person that I am (along with my deep-seated compulsion to rearrange furniture all the time - thanks dad!) I did a full reorg of the room.

I think the result is an even better layout than the original one, and I loved the original. It makes the room look bigger and draws your eye immediately to my fancy bookshelf, rather than my unmade bed like before. Plus this time there's no awkward wasted section of the room - one that I had previously filled with a single trash can and an unplugged standing lamp.

The only downside to the new setup comes in my morning routine. Before, I used to roll out of bed to my left, hit the alarm, and then walk to the shower, all in one fluid motion. Now I have to hit the alarm first, and then roll out to the right, and walk around the bed to the shower. Because if I forget and do it the old way, I get a facefull of wall. And I apparently roll out of bed really forcefully.

Because, OW.

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Behold all my triumphs and despair, you's guys.

Stupid Things I Did On My Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me!

• Forgot that I rearranged my room last night and as a result ran into a wall headfirst as I climbed out of bed
• Sliced open three parallel gashes on my left index finger while shaving with my new 5-bladed vibrating razor of death
• Got caught lip synching to The 88 on the elevator going into the office
• Dropped an entire carton of legal sized bond paper on my foot from a height of 7 feet
• Sliced open a single huge gash in the palm of my left hand while handling the heavy cardstock (the ultimate paper cut)
• Almost missed my chair when sitting down while simultaneously answering the phone, and in the process hit myself in the face with the phone handset
• Got caught lip synching to The Hush Sound on the elevator going to lunch
• Poked myself in the eye with a rogue paperclip
• Almost ran over a small child riding his scooter in the middle of my apartment complex
• Ate a gigantic spoonful of rainbow chip frosting by itself, suffering through the resulting sugar high
• Somehow strained my back while sleeping off the further-resulting sugar crash

Woo, getting older!

The Worst Conversation to Start a Friday On

Receptionist: So, got any big plans for this weekend?

Jason: Nothing too special - going out to dinner with my family on Saturday; it's my birthday this Monday.

Receptionist: Really?! How old will you be? Wait, don't tell me, I'm really good at guessing.

[She eyes Jason up and down carefully.]

Receptionist: 32!

Jason: Uh, 26 actually.

Receptionist: Ohhh... Well, I probably estimated high because... you seem so mature.

[Jason nods, with a tight smile.]

Jason: Of course.

Fin