You guys, I was so sure I had gotten over it. After my brief flirtation with joining the seething masses of teenage girls and Frnak, I had made it an entire year without succumbing to the American Idol machine. Sure I would still watch, but it was only because I had a fake TV crush on that one guy from last year. I never even came close to picking up a telephone, and I would estimate that I only watched about every other episode. Even my crush wasn't that strong - I mean the boy made sound effects for a living. It would never have worked between us.
I assumed it was all just a fad, a scary Coca-Cola induced fad, and I had grown past the creepy devotion and Pavlovian phone dialing.
And then this season happened. With the whole writers' strike and the absence of any other new shows on TV, guarantying that I wouldn't have anything else to take up my time, I've been dragged straight down into the swirling vortex. As usual, the audition episodes were literally unwatchable (I think the longest I made it through was 8 consecutive minutes before something horrifying made me wince so hard that I changed the channel without touching the remote. All I needed was my brain waves and the immense shame powering them) but oh my, how addictive the Hollywood pare-down audtions are. It's like a fantastic car crash that you can't look away from, because more and more cars just keep barreling into the flaming wreckage, completely ignoring the fact that there is a huge pileup already there.
And now those are over, and today is officially the best day: The first day the initial bio pages are released for the top 24 contestants. I don't know why I love them so much, but they really, really speak to me. Particularly the part of me that likes to mock people. Because seriously, if you've never read them before, you have no idea what's in store.
Come along, as I recap the most intriguing parts of the different bios. Even with the reduced information this year (usually they're chock full of snark, this year they've learned their lesson and pared down the scary), there's still a trove of hidden gems. I also will make my entirely superficial judgments about them all, since as per usual we haven't seen more than 10 of the 24 sing at all. It's like they want to make this a popularity contest or something. The nerve.
Anyways, Lord help me, they're all below the cut, so as to hide most of my shame.
(Note: While I am a horrible person, I'll try to be a least a little bit sensitive to the fact that some of these contestants are approximately 9 years old, and cannot necessarily be faulted for what they say. Just thinking about a scenario in which I would be interviewed for a national TV program when I was 16 causes me physical pain.)
Alaina Whitaker - The fact that her bio and personal interview is so perfectly normal makes me hate her on principle. Plus, what's the deal with that last line about being "pretty good at shopping."? Is she making a joke? You would think so, but this is American Idol. One should never assume. Tentatively, though, she is not horrible. Sigh. What a way to start.
Alexandrea Lushington - Two for two with the inoffensive pages. Actually, I secretly like her most of all the girls, so I'm thrilled that she didn't have a terrifying bio. Also, she has the best quote of all the contestants.
Amanda Overmyer - Independent of the fact that she looks like a cross between Booberella from The Simpsons and an American Girl doll, she can actually sort of sing. That doesn't sway me though, when you factor in the Harley riding too. There's only so much (note the quotes) "rock-n-roll" I can take, and she's way over the line.
Amy Jean Davis - I think the correct word is ukelele, Amy Jean. Oh. Right, "a little guitar." I see what you were trying to say. Yeah, misplaced modifiers are no one's friend. An enemy of grammar is an enemy of mine.
Asia'h Epperson - Yeah, we can see your picture right there, Unnecessary Apostrophe Girl. You aren't allowed to claim make-up as a talent, unless we're talking clown make-up.
Brooke White - Y'all, I loved her before I read this bio. Now? "Beautifying"? The stupidest quote of the 24 (which is saying so much)? I'm just gonna pretend this whole page doesn't really exist. I love me a dramatic cryer on this show.
Carly Smithson - Oh, you're a crafty one. With your whole "Irish" thing, and your "perfect pint." It's not gonna work on me. I will remain strong. Probably for at least 2 weeks. And then you'll sing an awesome angry indie chick song that I love and I'll fall into your robotic spell. Damn you in advance, Irish temptress.
Chikezie Eze - Other talents: None. Niiiiice. Awesome name, though.
Colton David Berry - Sweet monkey damn, someone save me from all the jailbait this season. I'll refrain from comment, other than to say he was in a mortal lock with Brooke for the worst quote ever attempted, and just barely lost out. Oh, and "since I was young"? He's lucky he isn't within my slapping distance. Embryos aren't allowed to reminisce about when they were young.
Danny Norriega - A relevant conversation:
Him: "He's the gay one."David Archuleta - Again with the tiny instruments. Sigh. This one, I think, is the force to be reckoned with. Although I also thought the same thing about Will Makar, and we all know how that turned out. *sniff*
Her: "ONE?"
David Cook - Quotes Road House and manages to ogle Mandy Moore through text. Then he gets the best joke line of all the contestants with his Other Talents. Means I think he's awesome and will thus be gone by end of February.
David Hernandez - I really think this guy might actually be a robot in human disguise, and he's taken on the tiniest accent to hide his not-complete mastery of speech. Also, his roving eyebrows are the scariest facial feature of any of the contestants, including the white shock of hair on the one girl, and the plethora of other piercings on everyone else.
Garrett Haley - Looks a little crazy/alien, and his eyes seem to be strangely oriented on his face. Also, I wouldn't put it past him for that thing on head to actually be a wig. Plus - way to narrow down the timeline of when you started singing to 3 full years. Wildly informative. (I'm being overly mean, I actually like this one.)
Jason Castro - White-boy dreads. I utterly refuse.
Jason Yeager - Seems completely un-hateable, except for the fact that he seems to be suffering from the same hair coloring disease that's affecting the Overmyer girl. Also, old man is old. I hope he does well.
Joanne Borgella - Girl, I love DAUGHTRY too. Sometimes we can't help it. But we will have issues if you keep bringing up the plus-sized girl thing all season long. I get my zaftig discussion fix from ANTM, I am here to see cute gay boys dance around on stage.
Kady Alexis Malloy - The fact that you qualified Freddy Mercury "of Queen" makes me hate you for no understandable reason. I'm sorry dear, sometimes these things happen.
Kristy Lee Cook - Even though I don't like her, she totally wins the award for best bio page. There is so much nuance she's packed in to such a tiny space. Qualifying that she only likes Young LeAnn Rimes (totally implied: not the older, whorish Coyote Ugly LeAnn Rimes), the word cowgirl as a verb, a subtle dropping of her "pro" singing career at 13, and a casual mention of cage fighting in Talents. This girl has it all. Watch the fuck out for this one.
Luke Menard - If by "29" you mean "36," yeah okay. But whatever, we don't discriminate against The Hotness here at Belligerent and Numerous. You come right in.
Michael Johns - Even older than the 36 year old we just went through, but is totally going to crush the one, since he's got A) the accent and B) all the face-time during the auditions. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, though. Not that hot.
What? You heard me.
Ramiele Macrowon Malubay - Best name, worrying quote. Means she's totally been taking notes from Sanjaya. Bonus points for being the first person to correctly modify her limited talents at musical instruments without butchering the English language too much. Minus points for having 40 favorite artists. This girl is just all over the map.
Robbie Carrico - I can't get past the hair to formulate any other thoughts. My only emotion towards him is the overwhelming urge to drench him with a fire hose.
Syesha Mercado - See, this one did not count hair or make-up as one of her strong points, so I just think she got on the bad side of the photographer's assistant. Anyways, nothing else to say, she's another one of my favorites.
My Top Three Boys Before Hearing Anyone Sing: Colton (with the Gay Hair), David Cook (with the Ugly Face but Good Bio), and Garrett (the Alien Looking One).
My Top Three Girls Before Hearing Anyone Sing: Alexandrea (with the Military Garb), Brooke (who's Bio Doesn't Exist in my Mind), and Syesha (with the Hair and Makeup from a Forgotten Age of Clowns).
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