Oscar Noms & Whatnot

Just because I am wildly bored today, I will make my amazing Oscar Non-Predictions. In every single category, even the useless ones. Exactly like the real show, only with fewer really bad fashion choices (as far as you can tell).

I call them Non-Predictions, because it's more my list of preferred winners, rather than who really will win. Watch as I make snap decisions about movies that I have almost assuredly never seen! Gape at my complete lack of movie sense! Fun for the whole family!

(Winners Giant and in Italics)
Best motion picture of the year
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN

Those are my options? Really? No Dreamgirls? No Children of Men? Fine. I loved Little Miss Sunshine and haven't seen the rest. Woo! (And I was wondering why I wasn't that into the Oscars this year...)

Achievement in directing
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

So people will stop going on about how Scorsese's never won an Oscar. Are you happy? Award due entirely to making people shut up. (See also: Why I want Peyton Manning and the Colts to win the Superbowl)

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

For two reasons: 1) Because I love Ryan Gosling like nothing else, and 2) because the people who run movie theatres in Dallas refused to show The Last King of Scotland until this week and now I'm too poor to go see it. That'll show'em.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED

The only category in which I'll be using the reasoning that I need to see a movie to rate the performance. And in this case, Alan Arkin beats out Eddie Murphy, because frankly Murphy was the only thing I didn't like in Dreamgirls.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Because I'm still bitter that she hasn't won an Oscar. Someday, dammit! Did you people not watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I wouldn't mind if Meryl Streep won, though.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL

Fine. And not just because her singing causes people in a movie theatre to spontaneously applaud a screen. You people do understand that she's not actually in the theatre, right? Who are you applauding for? It's creepy. But yeah, she was crazy good. I would also really like it if the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine took it instead. She was awesome.

Best animated feature film of the year
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

Come on. If you ignore exactly how creepy a world entirely consisting of living, talking cars actually is, the movie is totally awesome.

Achievement in art direction
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
PAN'S LABYRINTH
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
THE PRESTIGE

Because I want it to win something.

Achievement in cinematography
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE

Because I have never been as keyed up by a movie as that one. AWESOME.

Achievement in costume design
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

How hot were those outfits in The Devil Wears Prada? And who else are they going to give it to? The Queen? "Yeah, that was a nice tiara she had going on." Whatever.

Best documentary feature
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMP
MY COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

I don't even know what it's about, but hot damn do I want it to win.

Best documentary short subject
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

It's got blood, so it must be interesting, right?

Achievement in film editing
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

Seriously, I really liked this movie. Plus, the editing was out of control. According to the internet (obviously reliable) that one extended action sequence at the end was a single 15 minute shot from two cameras, uncut. Bold.

Best foreign language film of the year
AFTER THE WEDDING
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

Oh man, someday I'm totally going to get to see this movie, and it's going to be awesome. I can just sense it.

Achievement in makeup
APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Because I refuse to vote for that Mel Gibson horror-fest, and I don't think Click is actually a movie. I would have heard about it.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Actually, a very pretty soundtrack. I was really impressed.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"I Need to Wake Up" - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
"Listen" - DREAMGIRLS
"Love You I Do" - DREAMGIRLS
"Our Town" - CARS
"Patience" - DREAMGIRLS

Because Beyonce deserves something for getting upstaged (and how) by an American Idol contestant who didn't even make the top 4 of her season. Plus, I really love that song. (Bonus: When she sings it in the movie, her mouth opens so wide it looks like she's a python about to devour some prey. That is committed singing right there.)

Aside: If Randy Newman wins for "Our Town," I will release upon the world a vengeance unlike anything ever known before. I haaaate that song so much.

Adapted screenplay
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS . . .
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Borat? Really? Uh, anyways. So yeah, Children of Men was awesome. Have I mentioned that yet?

Original screenplay
BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Impressively real dialogue wins out over all the contrivance.

Best animated short film
THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRO
NO TIME FOR NUTS

Once again, an awesome title wins out. Although if this is starring that damn squirrel from Ice Age, I immediately retract my vote.

Best live action short film
BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ÉRAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOUR
WEST BANK STORY

Can't go wrong with a great idea. Or someone named Binta.

Achievement in sound editing
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Because I assume pirates are the most difficult thing to sound like.

Achievement in sound mixing
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
DREAMGIRLS
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

So we really need two sound categories? Dreamgirls, because I feel bad that it wasn't nominated for Best Picture.

Achievement in visual effects
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
POSEIDON
SUPERMAN RETURNS

Say what you will about this movie, but I loved how it looked. A lot.

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So that was sufficiently boring, right? Just imagine how much fun it will be when that is protracted over 4 full hours. Methinks I'll be skipping the telecast this year.

Feel free to rip apart all my picks in the comments. But you leave Children of Men alone, dang it. I will not hear a word against the boat movie!