Exfoliation

Or How I Officially Became a Gay Man

So Roommate Frank's not so subtle hint that I am turning into a crazy and weather-beaten old man was a Christmas gift of an exfoliation kit that promises to "return [my] skin to a youthful and healthy glow."

Just to be clear, my skin has never been youthful, healthy, or glowing. Unless you're speaking of some time before puberty, which I'm thinking is not exactly what they meant there. But in any case, the allure of nice skin is pretty tempting to someone as pizza-faced as me, so I went ahead with the whole regimen, figuring it is my duty as a proper homosexual to have multiple "products" and "treatments" applied to my "face" in order to "futilely chase my fleeting youth."

The thing is, what they don't tell you on the box, is that exfoliation is just a fancy word for "let's sandpaper your face." Seriously. Only instead of actual sandpaper, they helpfully provide this tube of cream which contains, I swear to God, little grains of aluminum that you're supposed to rub all over your face for "90 to 120 seconds, never staying in one place for too long." Presumably they include that last part because if you did, you would rub straight down to the bone.

Once your face is consistently scoured of all remains of actual skin, they give you the best part of the procedure, a moisturizing lotion which I assume is made from kittens or bunnies or something equally cute and fuzzy, because dear lord it is divine and soft and almost but not quite makes up for the steel wool portion of the day's procedure.

The whole process is like a voluntary torture regimen. "Rip all the skin off my face? Don't mind if I do!" The part that really gets to me is that this is an accepted practice across the globe. People do this all the time. I am mind-boggled over the entire thing, although I suppose I should not be. Diets, high heels, and lifting really heavy things over and over again for no good reason all exist for an exactly similar purpose. I guess I'm just a little behind the times catching up on my masochism-for-beauty events.

And unfortunately? It totally works. I've been using this stuff for nigh onto 11 days now and I literally do have nicer, more glowing skin. Not counting today, where I somehow sprouted a zit of teenage epic proportion just below my lower lip and it looks like I have herpes, but whatever. The rest of my skin around said 'herpes' is absolutely glowing.