Why I Don't Talk to People

Two quick scenes from my office yesterday, to illustrate exactly why I hate people:

[Scene One: The Break Room. Jason is washing out his coffee cup. He uses way too much soap and has created a frothing mess in the sink.]
Coworker 1: Hey. Man, you always clean that cup out every day, huh?
Jason: Uh, yeah. I need my coffee each morning.
Coworker 1: But you use that same scrubbing brush every day. All sorts of people wash dishes with it all the time. That can't be healthy.
Jason: But...that's its purpose. To wash dishes. And there's soap involved.
Coworker 1: Whatever guy, just don't say I didn't warn you. That's how disease spreads.
Jason: Oookay.
[Coworker 1 leaves. Jason finishes washing his cup, but totally cannot enjoy his coffee all morning long, instead he imagines it teeming with bacteria from the huddled masses of humanity that previously used that brush.]

[Scene 2: Jason in his office, on hold with a major phone company, as he has been for the last 4 years, approximately.]
Phone: Please hold, we are experiencing high call volume and wait times may be up to 5 minutes.
Jason: No kidding, try 17 minutes.
Operations Person 1: Good Afternoon, this is Becky, how can I help you today.
Jason: Hi, I'm trying to add [some service] to this phone plan for this month.
OP 1: Okay, I can help you with that. What is your phone number.
Jason: 214-555-xxxx
OP 1: I'm not seeing an account with that number. You said 214-555-xxxx?
Jason: That's correct.
OP 1: Nope, that number isn't with our company. Are you sure your service is with [Major Phone Company].
Jason: Uh yes. I'm looking at the billing statement right now.
OP 1: Hmm. Well can you give me the account number then?
Jason: [sigh] Sure. [Rambles off account number].
OP 1: Nothing is pulling up. The statement definitely says [Major Phone Company]?
Jason: Yessss. There's the logo right there and then right below that is this phone number that I dialed for customer service.
OP 1: Well it should be coming up then. Please hold.
[Jason holds for another 5 minutes. Their hold music is the most annoying music this side of Clay Aiken.]
Operations Person 2: Good Afternoon, this is Matt, Becky transferred you over to me for specialized help. Can I get your phone number.
Jason: [phone number]
OP 2: Hmm, I'm not seeing an account under that number, are you sure that your service is with [Major Goddamn Incompetent Phone Company]?
Jason: YES. Very sure. I am literally looking at my statement right now. And the phone - right there it says [Major Phone Company].
OP 2: Okay sir, well if I can't find your account by phone number or account number, I can't help you. You're completely sure that the service is with [Major Phone Company]?
Jason: You have got to be kidding me. You think I am making this up? That I've waited on this phone for 25 minutes to play an elaborate joke on some other service provider?
OP 2: Well people get confused sometimes...
Jason: I am physically holding the statement in my hand.
OP 2: Let me get that phone number one more time.
Jason: [Through gritted teeth, spills the phone number one more time.]
OP 2: Oh, there it is. Popped right up. Heh, that's funny. So what I can I do for you today?
Jason: [With the last ounce of patience left] I need to add [some service] to this line for the month.
OP 2: Okay, I can't do that, but I can transfer you back to Becky and she can take care of that for you.
[Jason seethes, waits another 3 minutes on hold. Thinks that it's now possible that Clay Aiken may be preferable to this music. Realizes what he just thought and almost throws up a little bit.]
OP 1: Alright, you're back on with Becky, we should be ready to go. Let me get your phone number one more time and we'll get that service added. Sorry for the delay.
Jason: [resigned, the number falls from his mouth, but his heart is truly broken]
OP 1: Hmmm.
Jason: What?
OP 1: Nothing is coming up. Can you hold for one second?
[Jason makes a strangled yelp, sounding sort of like "Yarglarlg!" He hangs up, bangs his head against the nearest large object a few times, and then gets back to work.]

This is not my beautiful life.