Belligerent and Numerous: Wherein I Drop Some Science on Y'all

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wherein I Drop Some Science on Y'all

I am about to irrevocably prove the existence of God.

And I only need a few quick facts. You might want to back up a little.

(Note: This is totally serious. I even did research. On the internet. Y'all's minds? Are about to be blown away.)

FACT: Nickelback is an insanely popular band.

SUPPORT:
- Their 2001 album Silver Side Up tallied total American sales of over 6 million albums sold. (source)
- Their latest album released in October of 2005 made its debut at #1 on the Billboard Top 200, and has remained on the charts for 49 consecutive weeks. Currently it is ranked #8 in sales this week. Over 3 million units have been sold since release. (source)
- Touring trade publication Pollstar recently revealed that Nickelback ranked 3rd behind only U2 and Bon Jovi in worldwide ticket sales for the first quarter of 2006. (source)
FACT: Nickelback sucks. Possibly more so than any band in the history of the world.

SUPPORT:
- They only have one song, which they have somehow managed to pass off a #1 single at least twice. (source)
- Their lead singer looks like he's trying out for a local theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar. (source)
- Their new popular single Far Away is the exact same song as those other two #1 singles, except it wants to pretend to be sad. (source, warning: may cause painful irritation to the ears)
- No seriously, it's the EXACT SAME GODDAMN SONG.
FACT: The only way they could possibly be this famous and popular is due to an elaborate prank played on me by God.

SUPPORT:
- I don't care how good one song purports to be, there is no way that it can be recycled 3 different times into months and months of airplay on the radio, loved by millions and millions of crazed teenage girls, adapted into really creepy fan videos and still be popular.
- No other large scale conspiracy theory is pervasive enough to account for their complete saturation. Subliminal messages only get you so far. Plus I listened really closely to that song(s) as long as I could (better than 45 seconds) and I totally didn't hear any hidden messages.
- If God does exist, you know he has to have a sense of humor. I mean, he obviously likes to cause humiliation at my expense.
ONLY AVAILABLE CONCLUSION: Nickelback's continued success can only be explained by the existence of a God (with a sick sense of humor).(Or possibly an angry and vengeful God who is using Nickelback to punish me. Either way, God = exists.)

I'll just let that sink in. I'm sure you have some reevaluating to do with your life.

2 comments:

frank said...: You are obviously delirious.

FACT: You are trying to prove Jesus.
FACT: You listen to SexyBack.

CONCLUSION: you need help.; 12:51 AM
Anonymous said...: There is nothing wrong to listening to SexyBack...not that i do, just deffending jason...; 12:43 PM

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Where My Opinions Count

(500) Days of Summer - Let's start with the caveat that this movie is nothing but a stacked deck against me. You've got Joseph Gordon-Levitt (seriously my favorite actor in the world), in a funny role of a guy unsure of what he wants to do with his professional life while his love life is in constant turmoil. Oh, and Regina Spektor songs keep playing in the background. If there is such a thing as a movie marketed directly to me, this is it. But y'all, this movie is so good. Not in a traditional storyline sense. Or even in an acting sense (although JGL is on fire the entire way through). It's about the feeling it gives you - liberally borrowing from every cliche available - musicals, old black and white cinema, jumping timelines, everything - all working in concert to give you the feeling of a relationship as it ends, and the things you remember. The overrall impression is so great that I forgive the minor quibbles I have (hammy sidekicks are over the top, Zooey Deschanel is playing her stock character #2, much as she has for the last 4 things I've seen her in). This is my movie of the year, right here. Absolutely stunning.
Push - So much better than I was expecting that I may have wrapped myself so far around that I actually enjoyed it. There are some terrible, terrible parts (the Casio-grade Music of Love that they played every time that Chris Evans and Camilla Belle were in the same room, for instance). But Dakota Fanning was pretty great, and I'm up for anything that gives Cliff Curtis or Ming-Na more work. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's kinda too bad that it tanked - I could totally be up for a sequel.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Got my nerd on and wrote a whole boring essay on it.
Let The Right One In - A good movie that gets better the more I think on it. Despite being a mildly gory vampire movie, it's surprisingly subtle. They don't try to hit you over the head with anything, it's all underplayed. The mother's soft neglect, the father's hints of homosexuality, even the parallels that can be drawn between particular characters - nothing jumps out at you. That, combined with the natural way that Oskar and Eli's relationship is handled, paints something like a real life picture that just happens to have a vampire somewhere in there. It's more than a little unsettling, especially the way the bullying keeps escalating as the movie continues. Overall, the movie's a little methodical for my tastes (I like my supernatural horror scary, not just ungodly depressing) but it's undeniably a great film.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - So bad I exceeded the character limit. If you care enough: Go Here
The Hangover - Delightfully vulgar and meandering. That's pretty much my the sum of my thoughts. "Genuinely and shockingly funny" is another soundbyte I could add in there as well. After seeing his Fiona Apple music video, I always assumed Zach Galifianakis would remain an unacknowledged American treasure forever, since the combination of that plus his standup act had still left him in obscurity against all odds. But I am gleefully overjoyed to be proven wrong. May he blossom and go on to larger-scale fame. He made this movie.