Drinky

Next week Devon (my cohort in apathy and slacking) and myself are heading out on a grand weekend adventure to St. Louis, Missouri, courtesy of several people (including, but not limited to: Mark Cuban, my boss's husband, and a 4th circuit court supreme justice). Once in St. Louis, we shall meet up with another friend of ours, Jim (who doesn't have a handy blog I can link to anymore, grrr!) and our normal merriment will proceed. Which mostly means we will frequent every bar available and try really hard not to get arrested for public intoxication.

(Umm, we will also go to a science museum or something. And I'm totally not just saying that because my Mom now potentially reads this blog. Totally. And on an unrelated note, if my mother is reading this, she can feel free to ignore everything else that is said in this entry.)

In honor of my upcoming Weekend of Reliving My Youth Through Drinking and Sightseeing (WRMYTDS, for short) I'm going to have a quick countdown of my 5 favorite drinks of the alcoholic nature, each of which I will try to consume at least one of during WRMYTDS.

Because I have absolutely nothing to talk about today. Mmmm, Absolut-ly...

Note: This is not a list of my favorite liquors, which is another topic entirely, this is a list of drinks which I might order, either at a restaurant or a bar. Drinks that I can make myself do get additional bonus points in consideration, but as I am a lousy drink maker, you probably won't see them reflected here.

#5 - Irish Car Bomb (recipe) - This one gets on the list sheerly on entertainment value. Usually anything that contains Whiskey and/or Guiness and needs to be chugged is immediately disqualified from coming near my lips. And yet, on both occassions that I have had these, I can't help but admit that they are crazy delicious. Sort of smoky, and creamy, and will mess you up in incredibly short order. I equate them to liquid death, but somehow they are still way up there in my mind in terms of Strange Things I Love to Drink.

#4 - Mudslide (recipe) - I know it's not so much an actual drink, more like a dessert, but it has alcohol in it so I believe it technically counts, in terms of master lists of alcohol. Especially since I'm the one who gets to make up the rules. Umm, so yeah, the drink. Chocolate. Frosty. Kahlua. Banana for flavor. An adult chocolate milk shake. There is nothing bad anyone can say about a mudslide, except for the unusually high caloric value when compared to other sources of liquor.

#3 - French Martini (recipe) - The French Martini has a lot of things going for it. 1) It's classy (anything in a martini glass that is not neon colored is classy), 2) It is incredibly alcoholic (as all martinis are), 3) It has less of an edge than a traditional martini, 4) with the added bonus of pineapple and raspberry. Oh, and did I mention that they're delicious? There's that too. It is however, a little fruity to order, so it loses some points there. But come on, is there really any drink that is too fruity for me to order? I am, like, the king of all things fruity.

#2 - Long Island Iced Tea (recipe) - The traditional standby for all things alcoholic. Pretty much combines every possible liquor into a single glass (with Coke!), is readily available at every drinking establishment in the world, and if prepared properly, tastes better than 95% of all drinks out there. The only thing keeping this from the top is the numer of really bad Long Island makers out there. You're much more likely to get a bad one than a good one, which has to be considered in a drink ranking.

#1 - Southern Comfort Hurricane (recipe) - My love for Southern Comfort runs deeply and swiftly through my heart. In that aforementioned list of top liqours, it easily would hold the top spot. I like the kick it provides, I like the edge it puts on a drink, and I like that it only takes about two shots of it to make me giddy. The SoCo Hurricane is the best of all worlds, it is sweet and citrus-y with just the right amount of edge behind it. Good both frozen or on the rocks, and it comes in a fashionable hurricane glass and potentially has the tiny drink umbrella that I love. And we've already covered the potenital pitfalls of the fruity aspect earlier. Pure win, this drink.

Anything I missed there? I think that's a pretty complete list, for immediate purposes. Anyone have additional recommendations for sampling during the WRMYTDS?

Fall TV Round Up

We're now entering the end of September which means we are officially into the full-on swing of Fall. Temperatures drop back into the realm of 'able to go outdoors without dying' in Dallas, the trees start dropping their leaves, and I become singularly entranced by the new Fall TV schedule.

I know I watch way too much TV. I also don't particularly care. Gives me something to do that is not World of Warcraft, a dangerous and shifty little video game. As a public service, I will now rundown the entire schedule of things that I will attempt to watch. It's a very ambitious list that almost immediately will get pared down, as new shows turn out to suck wind like nothing else, or old shows that I once loved begin to crash and burn like a fantastically boring car crash (The OC, are your ears burning?).

Mondays

The Class (CBS) - I was intrigued by the previews, which included a mobile Jason Ritter, who was excellent in Joan of Arcadia, and too cute for words in Happy Endings AND had the lovely Lizzy Caplan from Mean Girls. That's a strong showing, no? I have generally had my fill of sitcoms in the vein of Friends, but was willing to give it a shot based on the cast. First episode was almost wickedly painful, but there is potential. It made it to a second week on my list, so that's a positive. We'll see.

Heroes (NBC) - Super hero hour-long drama? Sign me up. I got in on that whole 'sneak-preview of the first episode' thing they had going on, and am psyched. It gets its premiere "On the Air," as they say, tonight. Will certainly watch the first few episdoes for sure. All shows that debut on Mondays get extra leeway in my book, because I'm most definitely not leaving my house Monday nights. I mean, seriously, do you know how much effort I expend just to make it into and out of work without dying?

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip (NBC) - I was mildly interested after watching the little Fall Preview Show at the movie theatre while we waited 14 hours for our showing of The Last Kiss to start. For once marketing actually worked its expected magic. Caught the first episode and I was very impressed: 1) That Amanda Peet can actually act, at least 80% of the time, and 2) that Matthew Perry was funny and not grating. It had that same Sports Night feel that I didn't really connect with on The West Wing, so there's that too. A little too preachy at times, but a very promising start nonetheless.

Tuesday

Not a single thing I plan on watching. If forced at gunpoint, I may tune in to Gilmore Girls occassionally just to watch the Lauren Graham who is amazing, despite the hideous turns the show has taken over the last couple of seasons.

Tuesdays will also be known as my productivity night, where I plan on getting the majority of my weekly reading done. I have a backlog of books a mile long to get through. Thanks TV Gods, for ensuring that at least one night a week is pure crap. (Note: That includes you Veronica Mars. Still haven't made it all the way through a single episode.)

Wednesday

This is what is known as Battle Night in the Jason household.

1. I really want to watch Jericho (CBS) at 7:00.
2. Frank needs his America's Next Top Model (CW) fix at the exact same time
3. That 30 Rock (NBC) show with Tina Fey is on at the same time too. Have I mentioned lately that I love Tina Fey?

Luckily, things may have evened themselves out, as Jericho's premiere was lackluster at best. End of the world drama with nuclear explosions; how on Earth can you go wrong? Considering they had to resort to the whole straw-in-the-throat tracheotomy in the first episode, I'm not high on the show's long-term chances. There were a couple of really excellent moments, though, so I think the battle might wage a little bit longer.

Because Frank can always just tape his ANTM. Although I fear for the Tina Fey's chances. Alas.

Lost (ABC) - I might give it another chance, I love me some hobbit after all, but lately it's just been bugging the crap outta me. We'll see how it goes, especially with the shortened Fall schedule (only 7 episodes before the new year), I may be able to stick with it without too much effort.

Thursday

Ugly Betty (ABC) & Survivor (CBS) - These share the same hour timeslot and each get the superficial treatment. Ugly Betty looks like it could be good, and I always enjoy Survivor despite its general suckitude lately. The first couple of episodes have been pretty strong this season too, which makes the whole thing a hard sell. I don't know enough about UB to make any determinations yet, but I'll probably give a recording to the first couple of episodes just to check it out. But in any case, my heart goes to only one show Thursdays and that is

The Office (NBC) which shares the second half of that same timeslot. So that's what I'll actually be watching, everything else be damned. The third season premiere might be the funniest half hour of television I have ever seen. At one point I laughed so hard that ginger ale came out of my nose. That is a pain unlike any other, but it was worth it. So completely cringeworthy and awesome at the same time.

Grey's Anatomy (ABC) - Yes, it is the most ridiculous of all the soap opera-y shows possible. Yes, half the time the medical events are insanely contrived to spell out the message of the episode with anvils. And yes the two main characters have become super unlikable due to their utterly assholish behavior. Still, some great TV. Sandra Oh = love.

Friday

Again, nothing at all. This is my night for socialization. Apparently there are other people in the world, who you can go out with and have wacky adventures of your own, as seen on TV. Who would have ever guessed?

Saturday

Who watches TV on Saturday nights? The only thing TV is good for on Saturdays is all the college football. (PS - Have you seen SMU? Two games scoring over 40 points in a row. Turns out what we really needed to do all these years was just scheduled wickedly bad teams. How did we miss that?)

Sunday

The Amazing Race (CBS) - Becomes the first show for me to ever beat out The Simpsons in its own timeslot. Such a great show, and the cast this year is uniformly excellent. Even the fact that the first couple of episodes have been pretty anticlimactic doesn't take away from the fact that the tasks that are really interesting and challenging. Plus, this week's episode featured runaway oxen and a beauty queen dragged across a field by a runaway horse. Rock on. Team I'm currently rooting for: Team Lesbian-Dad.

And while I won't be watching it, the wheezing Desperate Housewives (ABC) will be going full blast immediately following TAR, as Frank's strange obsession with that show continues unabated.

All told, that is potentially 7.5 hours of TV per week of scheduled watching. Which is insane for reals, but what can you do? Better than 2004 or 5, when I was booked better than 9 a week. If Jericho and The Class continue to suck, I might be down to just 6 hours. That's pretty good, for someone who is at least 75% couch potato, I think.

Window Washers and Madness

There is a very good chance I actually am going crazy. This does not bode well.

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Storytime!

Yesterday I was going out for lunch, because I am too lazy to actually pack my own lunch anymore. The concept of sandwich construction is officially out of my reach before 9:00 in the morning. I decide to head over to the shopping center next to my office building, as it's a pretty nice day and just the thought of trying to navigate anything using the Truck of Malfunction exhausts me.

So I'm wandering down the streets and decide on a little Quizno's, because Lord knows there are few things in the world more delicious than a Cabo Chicken Sandwich. God bless the avacado, y'know? Anyways, the place is installed into the ground floor of an office building, and there is some sort of construction going on on the exterior of the building around the windows on the upper level. Scaffolding and the like, men in hardhats, etc. But the store is still open.

I maze my way through all the scaffolding, acquire my food and start making the long trip back to my building so that I can enjoy my sandwich in the comfort that is my fancy new office. I make it just past the scaffoldings and am waiting on the corner for all the cars to pass so that I might dart through traffic and save myself some time by making a straightline attempt at my building rather than taking the long route all the way around the square.

While I'm standing there, I hear someone say "Oh crap!" From above me. I look up and there is one of those window washering guys who is sort of following along behind the scaffolding and cleaning all the windows that are finished. The guy has dropped his little wiper-y thing (I have no idea what you call those things) and he's holding a big wiper-y thing in such a way that he can't grab it easily. In his fumblings to grab the smaller one, he manages to kick it and it falls off of his little platform towards the ground. Where I am.

Meanwhile, I'm just standing there staring up at him like some yahoo, practically with my mouth hanging open, completely oblivious to the fact that it might not be the best place to watch this drama unfold. Considering I am directly under him and in the path of any potential projectiles. I process this thought a little bit too slowly, coming to that conclusion immediately after the wiper has already been kicked off and is heading towards my person.

Now normally this is the part of the Jason story where I end up with intense injuries and or possible death and embarrassment. But luck and clever window washers are on my side for once, because the guy had attached his wiper to his person by way of a cord. So instead of hitting me, it just flung a nice bit of Windex all over me. Clever, no?

To which I say rock on, considering all the possible outcomes of that scenario. I will totally take smelling like a window over hideous injury any day.

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Reason this means I am going crazy: I remember this happening, as clear as day. But it completely feels like a dream that I am recounting, not an actual event. Except, it did happen. I have the Windex smelling shirt to prove it. And the receipt from Quizno's. But it sounds crazy, right?

Gah. I am no longer properly distinguishing between real life and dreams. Awesome.

Little Blue Pills of Paranoia

As a result of the Allergy Attack that Destroyed Tokyo, I was put on some ridiculously expensive pills that are supposed to build up my immune system to make sure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again.

I have two pills that I'm supposed to take each day. A cute yellowish one for the mornings, and a soothing blue one for at night. Each one is roughly the size of a medium kiwi fruit, only less furry. Theoretically the yellow one is supposed to keep you functional during the day, and the blue one helps you sleep at night. (This is totally not the case, but we'll get to that.)

Originally this was supposed to be a 10 day regimen of drugs (that cost about as much as my daily food allowance), but a follow-up call from the doctor has extended it to a full thirty days. Which I'm not sure if I'm going to make it through, since one of the side effects (besides the financially crippling one. $5 dollars a day. For pills. Jesus.) is extreme paranoia.

Well, Blue Pill Paranoia. The yellow ones are great. Sure, at first they turned me into a walking zombie, where my arms didn't really seem to belong to my body and I would constantly lose my train of thought and start staring off into space. And they caused me to laugh uncontrollably at things that weren't even remotely funny. We're talking hideous outbursts of geek laughter, complete with the little snort and everything. In front of people I didn't even know. Like:

Coworker: "Yeah, so long day, huh?"
Jason: "HAHAHAHA *snort*!".

Remember when I said I don't get embarrassed anymore? I was wrong. But eventually my body got used to the dosage, and now everything is great. I love my little yellow friend.

But those blue guys. Okay, when I first started taking them, I had just finished that book I was reading (House of Leaves. Very good. Surprisingly scary, considering.). That first night I had this really creepy dream and woke up in the middle of the night completely convinced that there was something horrible in my room, and that I just couldn't see it yet. That maybe it was in the closet, or under the bed, or *gasp* invisible. So I did what any self-respecting 24 year-old would do - piled all my pillows up around me and hid under the covers shivering for half an hour until I fell back to sleep.

When the alarm went off in the morning, I chalked the entire thing up to that dumb book and my lack of sleep over the weekend and went on with my day.

Only when I went to bed that night, I woke up about 45 minutes later absolutely convinced that I had just heard my patio door open, and that there were robbers in my house, right at that very moment. And that they were totally going to steal all of my stuff. But what if they tried to come in my room, I would need some sort of weapon, but I don't have anything laying around that I could use, maybe the lamp, but it's too big, actually you know maybe I should just run over and lock the door, then I could hear whenever they were trying to get in, and I could work on the whole weapon issue later.

So I actually got up out of bed, snuck over to the door, locked it, and again huddled under my covers until I fell asleep.

The next morning I realized that this might represent a pattern. And sure enough, I am now Crazy McParanoid every night now, thanks to my loverly new sleep-time drugs. Last night I was convinced that there was something else breathing in my room. Turned out it was the fan on my computer.

Of course, rampant paranoia is not listed as one of the known side-effects on the container, so maybe I'm just losing my mind, and I'm blaming the pills so I won't have to deal with my sudden decline into insanity. Either way, I would stay away from my house late at night for a while, just so you don't step in any of the crazy.

From the Learn Something New Every Day Pile

Apparently in my office, if you are thin you had better not make any self-deprecating jokes when donuts are present. Or really, any comment at all. That kind of shit just does not fly. Or so I have learned.

So I walk into the break room. Someone has kindly brought donuts in for the office. I do love me some donuts, but I really never eat breakfast (does not agree with me at all) so I'm not so much jonesing for one right at this moment.

Coworker: Hey Jason. You want a donut? They're really good.
Jason: Mmm, donuts.
Coworker: Yeah, they're horrible for me, but screw it, it's Friday.
Jason: Ha. Yeah, I don't know, I really should lay off all the sugar. It's all I eat lately. 75% of my body mass is probably like, actual cake frosting.
Coworker: (actually offended) Whatever, you're thin. Don't give me that, just have a donut.
Jason: Uhh. Yeah, okay?
Coworker: I...just don't pretend like it's some huge struggle for you. (flounces off)

WTF?

No, seriously. What the fuck is that? I am I supposed to apologize because I'm thin? It's not even like I said it would make me fat, (which, by the way, is something that I do say too often). I just said I need to lay off the sugar. A oh-woe-is-me/make-jason-fat comment I could maybe see taking offense to (but even then whatever, I have a poor body image, deal with it), but an offhand remark that maybe I should eat healthier?

Do you remotely know me, or what I eat? Should I be apologizing for some lucky metabolism? I, in fact, really do need to lay off the sweets. For dinner last night I had 4 mini Snickers bars, half a bag of sour gummi worms, and a DrPepper. Yeah, okay, it was a lame joke, but that's no reason to go all morally offended about it. How's about we make a deal? I'll stop trying to maintain polite conversation and you stop projecting your hostile food issues onto others?

Seriously, that put me in such a bad mood all morning long. This is exactly why I do not talk to people.

Wherein I Drop Some Science on Y'all

I am about to irrevocably prove the existence of God.

And I only need a few quick facts. You might want to back up a little.

(Note: This is totally serious. I even did research. On the internet. Y'all's minds? Are about to be blown away.)

1. FACT: Nickelback is an insanely popular band.
   
   SUPPORT:
   
   • Their 2001 album Silver Side Up tallied total American sales of over 6 million albums sold. (source)
     
   • Their latest album released in October of 2005 made its debut at #1 on the Billboard Top 200, and has remained on the charts for 49 consecutive weeks. Currently it is ranked #8 in sales this week. Over 3 million units have been sold since release. (source)
     
   • Touring trade publication Pollstar recently revealed that Nickelback ranked 3rd behind only U2 and Bon Jovi in worldwide ticket sales for the first quarter of 2006. (source)
     
     
2. FACT: Nickelback sucks. Possibly more so than any band in the history of the world.
   
   SUPPORT:
   
   • They only have one song, which they have somehow managed to pass off a #1 single at least twice. (source)
   • Their lead singer looks like he's trying out for a local theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar. (source)
     
   • Their new popular single Far Away is the exact same song as those other two #1 singles, except it wants to pretend to be sad. (source, warning: may cause painful irritation to the ears)
     
   • No seriously, it's the EXACT SAME GODDAMN SONG.
     
     
3. FACT: The only way they could possibly be this famous and popular is due to an elaborate prank played on me by God.
   
   SUPPORT:
   
   • I don't care how good one song purports to be, there is no way that it can be recycled 3 different times into months and months of airplay on the radio, loved by millions and millions of crazed teenage girls, adapted into really creepy fan videos and still be popular.
   • No other large scale conspiracy theory is pervasive enough to account for their complete saturation. Subliminal messages only get you so far. Plus I listened really closely to that song(s) as long as I could (better than 45 seconds) and I totally didn't hear any hidden messages.
   • If God does exist, you know he has to have a sense of humor. I mean, he obviously likes to cause humiliation at my expense.
     
     
4. ONLY AVAILABLE CONCLUSION: Nickelback's continued success can only be explained by the existence of a God (with a sick sense of humor).(Or possibly an angry and vengeful God who is using Nickelback to punish me. Either way, God = exists.)
   

I'll just let that sink in. I'm sure you have some reevaluating to do with your life.

Book Meme (Because You Care)

Yay, a book meme! The world shall flock to my blog, and cleave to my words.

... Okay fine, you're allowed to skip this one.

(Gleefully picked up from 50 Books, which is a wonderful place to visit, full of talking about books all the time. I am so jealous.)

1. A book that changed your life.
Changed my life is such a dramatic sounding turn of phrase. But to be equally dramatic, Tim O'Brian's The Things They Carried probably wins the title for book that has most changed my outlook on life, not to mention how I view stories and words in general, so I think it gets first mention. Everyone in the world needs to read this book, at least twice. So good and real and honest.

2. A book you've read more than once.
Considering I reread pretty much anything I even remotely like, we could be here for a while. In terms of most read, I would say that I've read Ender's Game the most times physically (very conservatively, at least 20 full read-thrus). It's a book that I can practically inhale in a day, and can't stop reading until it's done.

3. A book you'd want on a desert island.
Gosh. Well it would have to be something substantial, and really good. And it would need to stand up to multiple readings without getting old. And it would need to be able to serve at least some purpose in the wild. I'm sort of torn just thinking about it. In the end I think I would have to go with either Cryptonomicon by Neil Stephenson, or The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon, because both are pretty long, both are amazingly good and have plenty of repeatability. I'd probably perfer Amazing Adventures more at first (best book ever), but Cryptonomicon has so much more variety it might last longer. Plus if you had to burn it for warmth, it's like 1000 pages long. That has to be a consideration.

4. A book that made you giddy.
The first time I read Me Talk Pretty One Day, I laughed so hard that I was actually lightheaded and almost fell down due to a lack of oxygen to the brain. I think that counts. David Sedaris = Love.

5. A book you wish had been written.
This question boggles my fragile little mind. Umm, I wish that Douglas Adams had actually finished up the novel in Salmon of Doubt because the world can most certainly do with a little more Douglas Adams in it.

6. A book that wracked you with sobs.
Just because it is most recently on my mind, The Time Traveler's Wife left me sobbing like an infant, and I didn't even like the characters involved. That takes some skill, believe you me. What can I say, I'm a sap for love stories that have fantastic science fiction elements woven directly into their structure. That book tore me to pieces.

7. A book you wish had never been written.
You're allowed to be dumb and petty in an internet meme, right? Because I hate hate hate hate The Sound and The Fury. Like, irrational, deep-seated, utter loathing that defies all reason, time, and space. I have no problem whatsoever in wishing it off the face of the Earth. I know that makes me both shallow and illiterate, Faulkner is the best writer of the 20th century, but whatever. HATE.

8. A book you are currently reading.
House of Leaves, Mark Danielewski. So weird. But good. As much as I hate the whole experiment-in-semiotics thing he has going on, the story he's working off of is very compelling. And say what you will, but the boy can write. God, the footnotes, though. Save me from the footnotes.

9. A book you've been meaning to read.
In my latest Amazon ordering frenzy (damn them and their free super saver shipping that basically requires me to spend at least $25 every time) I finally broke down and picked up the box set of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials Trilogy, which I have heard nothing but great things about. However this House of Leaves book sucks up so much time (footnotes!) I don't know when I'm ever going to actually bust them out.

10. Tag 10.
10? Are you serious? I'm not entirely sure I know 10 people who have read a book in the past two years, let alone would complete a book meme on the internet. Anyways, if you read this and have ever read a book, consider yourself tagged.

How I Spent my Boss's Summer Vacation

So where have I been, young man?

I have been sick on multiple, brain-numbing levels. Shorthanded: Horrible allergy attack knocked me on my ass for approximately 9 days. But no one likes a shorthanded story when the long version has inappropriate nudity and making a fool of Jason. So let's press onwards!

Two weeks ago, my boss went on annual summer vacation, leaving the running of the office up to me. Apparently the resulting stress led to the breakdown of my entire immune system so thorough that my body was like France in the face of an oncoming German army. (Shockingly Obvious Note #1: Jason performs poorly under stress!) What would normally be just a bad day or two of allergies and sneezing instead became the hostile occupation and destruction of my very being.

Most of the following, with the exception of Friday, (which stands out very prominently in my mind for some reason) is pulled together from conjecture and vague recollections of things that I sort of remember happening, but might actually have been very gripping hallucinations.

Certain facts I am aware of: early on in the process, I was left completely deaf in my right ear, due to some sort of fluid and/or swelling of my already large head. I want to say it was sometime around Saturday or Sunday, because by Monday I was sprawled out on the couch practically drooling from the level of antihistamines, allergen blockers, and assorted other cocktail-like shiny pills running through my bloodstream.

See, the normal level of drugs that I use to combat an allergy attack were woefully underpowered for this one, and despite how smart it seemed at the time, tripling the number of brands I was taking at once did very little in terms of fixing my outlook on life. (Shockingly Obvious Note #2: Jason lacks rational decision-making skills in the face of... well anything really.)

I made it through work on Tuesday and Wednesday, although I remember basically nothing that happened in that span, except for these really lucid fever-dream type recollections of pretending to be one of the X-Men with Frank (Less Obvious But Much More Shocking Note #1: This would later turn out to be all-too horribly real).

Thursday was when everything started falling apart, as not only was I deaf in one ear, I started losing hearing in the other ear and my voice began to mimic that of a 5 pack-a-day smoker with walking-pneumonia. I made it through work mostly by leaning manfully against large solid objects, sneezing on said objects, and saying "What?!" a whole lot. Included at no extra cost: the constant feeling that my head was so top-heavy that I was going to tip over like a reverse Weeble, a lack of appetite so intense that lunch consisted of 4 gummi bears and a glass of iced tea, and the continuous watering of my eyes at all times, so it appeared I had been watching the endings of Bambi, Titanic, and Old Yeller on a loop.

Came home at 6:00, collapse on the couch and am asleep by 9:00. Figured I must be getting over the hump, as there was no where to go but up from there.

(We now witness a tense shift, as I can actually remember Friday, so we move into the present tense. Marvel at my mastery over the English language.)

Friday morning comes, and along with it the true definition of rock bottom. Cannot hear anything beyond vague thumping noises, head is ready to split directly down the middle, and I spend the first 3 consecutive minutes of my day doing nothing but sneezing. Decide to call in sick to work and try a doctor. Doctor cannot schedule me an appointment for that day, but I can come in "as a walk-in" and should be able to get some face time at some point. Nurse neglects to mention that "some point" technically counts the year 2009 as "a point."

I spend, without exaggeration in the slightest, 5 hours in the grungiest doctor's waiting room I have ever seen. The bathroom reminds me of a gas station road stop, and not in a good way. There are, with slight exaggeration, 9 million tiny children running around, most of whom are wildly sick and spewing germs like a sprinkler system on a lawn (with me as a sneezing blade of grass.) By the time I make it into an actual examination room, I'm pretty sure death is a viable option.

Nurse comes in to do one of those tiny blood tests to determine if the allergies have yet reached the poisoned-blood-stream level of encroachment yet. She pricks my finger, and yet cannot get enough blood. Tries another finger, still not quite enough. Secondary nurse comes by, stabs my thumb and proceeds to try and milk it for every ounce of blood available.

To recap: By the end of this round of examinations, I am now: deaf, sneezing, and crying, with a splitting headache, three fingers throbbing and drained of blood, and am no doubt the latest incubator of child-ebola from the waiting room. Flawless.

Doctor comes in, explains that I do not have an infection, but instead am experiencing one of the most severe allergic episodes she has seen outside of a food allergy, or big cat mauling. Asks if I have been under much stress lately. After determining what she said via sign language/charades, I try to laugh, but instead go into another sneezing fit.

The best course of action is determined to be an allergy shot which cost approximately as much as my monthly food bill, but is not covered by my health care, as it is not "physically necessary." Apparently my survival is not physically necessary in the eyes of Aetna, especially when I could take an internal regimen of pills that could clear up the problem in, say, two to three weeks give or take.

Once the sneezing subsides, I fork over a credit card and beg for the shot. Nurse comes in, I roll up my sleeve. She laughs, and asks me to drop my pants and lay on my stomach. I sigh, not because I expected anything less, as God is obviously enjoying this a lot. I properly loosen my pants and attempt to assume the position. However, I misjudge the stepstool next to the examining table and end up tripping over it and crashing (stomach first) onto the table. Table has one of those disposable rolls of paper covering it, and starts spooling out upon my crash, rolling me directly off the table, pants now effectively lost, right along with any dignity that still remained.

Nurse looks over at me, on the ground, half-naked, eyes watering, sneezing, and largely deaf. Through the haze and the blocked ears, I'm able to make out her response to my spectacle: "It's just not your day, is it?"

-------------------------

And after all that, I still ended up going into work for an hour that afternoon. Because I am hardcore like that.

Aside: That shot was totally worth not eating for the rest of the month, I feel awesome now. And maybe, just maybe, someday I might get over the crippling embarrassment that was its administration.

And Now It's Official

Just in case it was ever in doubt:

Outcast Genius
65 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 56% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!


Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness

You scored higher than 99% on geekosity

You scored higher than 99% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Y'all just back up, okay? Outcast Genius at work over here.