Plant-icide

In terms of things that make me a freak, this is probably generally low on the list but for some reason I am reluctant to spell it right out.

Anyways, am I the only person in the world that thinks that the concept of potted plants is sort of cruel?

Wait. I should back up.

Okay, in my office, I'm in charge of keeping the plants alive. This is a horrible idea, assigning plant livelihood to me. I'm probably the only person in the world who can kill a plant within a single hour of our meeting. I am an anathema to plants, the mythical Brown Thumb of Doom.

But when I was interviewing for the job, I may have...slightly exaggerated my skills with plants in order to up my chances at employment. Okay, if we're being technical, I may have used the words 'green thumb' and 'awesome with plants,' but I really needed the job. I was working as a carnie, people. I was desperate.

I got the job. But I still suck at plants.

I don't think this is my fault, though. Potting plants is just cruel and unusual. Plants need pretty much only 3 damn things to survive: natural light, air, and water. Someone with a potted plant has just ripped away two of those things and expects everything to just be fine. Uh, no.

Every time I go to water the plants, I can feel their tiny leaves judging me, as I finally give them a portion of their essential ingredient for the day, since they can't get it for themselves. "Well, thanks for that," they say, all sarcastically. I am jailer to the plants, metaphorically delivering them sub-par meals of gruel through tiny slots in their metaphorical cell doors. The Oliver Twist comparison is just too apt to consider. Imagining my tiny little Croton, all cute and tiny and "please sir, I'd like some more" is enough to send a tiny plant-stake through my heart.

I'm only lucky that there's a big window available for them to sit next to - I'm not sure if I could stand the idea of having to come in to provide their light source also. It would be too much. The recriminations. Is there a PETP? (People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants) Throwing buckets of green paint on people wearing corsages? "Decoupage is murder," all of that?

This is also probably why I shouldn't be allowed to have a pet - they have actual faces, not just imaginary ones in my head. I would probably explode from all the empathy.