Behold the Power

I've undertaken a grand experiment, it seems. I will finally answer the age-old question that has long plagued mankind: Exactly what will happen if you go on an all cheese diet?

I didn't set out to answer this question, more the question found me. The stars all had to align just so for it to happen though. First, Albertsons ran my most favorite promotion, one that only happens about twice a year, their 10 string cheese sticks for $1 deal. Which is just ridonkulous, in terms of enjoyment per food price. I mean, not only is string cheese delicious, it's fun to eat and labor intensive in the good way. Nothing to cook or accidentally set on fire, just the careful dissection of your meal. And people can't even complain about me playing with my food - it's required. By God.

Plus. 10 for one dollar. Just think about that for a second.

Okay done? Doesn't it just give you goosebumps?

Anyways, so I did some quick mental math and tried to figure out how many cheese sticks I could buy at one time without looking completely insane. In the end I settled on 40, which seemed like a nice, small, round number. But upon completion of my shopping trip, the pile of 40 cheese sticks was incredibly huge on the checkout line. What can you do?

The checker was a little amused, but I had my cheese sticks so I came out ahead in the deal. I also went back later in the week to get an additional 30 just in case. (In my mind, what looks crazy: buying 70 cheese sticks at once. What does not look crazy: buying 40 one day and then coming back the very next day for 30 more.)

So I've already loaded up on cheese in the refrigerator and how; if you count the American cheese slices I stocked up on last week and the cream cheese left over from last week's bagel extravaganza, I would say better than 70 percent of the fridge was cheese based. (The other 30% being devoted to 25% Dr Pepper and 5% Condiments). The next step happened very accidentally, as Roommate Frnak really needed to go to Kroger for his specialty brand of Ramen noodles, a concept which stuns me to the core. Since I'm there (as I am chauffeur to the stars) I do some mild browsing and come upon my favorite thing in the entire world: Smoked Cheese Logs, half price!

As anyone who knows me knows, I have a sordid history. My family is strange and off-putting and we have very weird traditions. One of the primary traditions being The Cheese Log of All Secular and Religious Holidays. Doesn't matter what the occasion - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Arbor Day, we would have a cheese log available in the kitchen to celebrate. I don't claim to understand it, but I've come to love the cheesy goodness like it was my own offspring. Except tasty and eatable. (The metaphor has failed me. Moving on.)

So not only do I have well over a quarter of my weight in string cheese waiting for me in the fridge, I've got a delicious pound of cheese log which I am systematically decimating as the week goes by.

With these two items, really, I have no need for any other food. I haven't touched the stove for anything (except last night to make some cinnamon rolls, a process that I am practically compelled to do at this point - I would not put it past the baking lobby to have put some sort of addictive agent in that frosting, I mean for serious) and haven't done the dishes in well over a week. The kitchen has reached the end of its usefulness now that I am no longer compelled to clean by the need to eat. Preprocessed cheese has led to its downfall.

So the question has not yet been fully answered, but from my findings so far I've got an initial working hypothesis - going on an all cheese diet will bring about the downfall of my civilization.

We'll see how it holds up in the coming weeks.