#1,243,456

Reason #1,243,456 Why I Will Be Alone Forever

Friday. Eating lunch. Fast food.

Decide to splurge, based on my complex formula that relates relative expense of lunch food to level of badness of the workweek thus far. So I've got me a huge, juicy hamburger and a nice side salad. This hamburger defies explanation, in terms of both taste and size. There are layers upon layers of cheese, and bacon, and other such things. And many, many condiments. It takes intense concentration to eat a burger of this magnitude, lest one makes a huge mess. I am up to the challenge.

I've got my iPod going, a book to read, and a big ol' hamburger. Life = good.

This guy who was a couple of people behind me is wandering around the restaurant, looking for a place to sit. Despite the fact that there are a grand total of 5 people in the entire place, he comes over and takes the seat directly next to mine, giving me that little frat boy nod of acknowledgement with a smile as he does so. Which, y'know, is odd, but I'm digging it, so that's cool. Am suave, sophisticated person, can handle this with aplomb.

I get back to my book and fiddle a bit with the iPod, trying to determine exactly how one gets rid of a musical device in such a situation without looking very awkward and obvious.

Somehow I end up with the iPod just louder than before. I decide I'll work on the sandwich a bit more, before messing with it anymore. So I go to take a ginormous bite out of the hamburger of delicious doom. I hear the guy who sat down next to me talking, but it's all very indistinct and in the back of my mind, because the iPod is loud and full of guitars. I figure he is on a cell phone or something.

All of a sudden, he taps me on the shoulder. Now, I don't realize this is him, and I am easily startled. I swing my head around to see what on earth is going on. In the process of this swing, I manage to sling all the constituent bits of condiments that once resided in my hamburger all over myself, as well as a large portion of the guy's arm.

Awkward. But I can recover. I go and grab a napkin to wipe the offending horror whilst apologizing profusely. However, on the transfer over from napkin holder to arm, I manage to snag my elbow in the wire connecting my earpiece to my iPod. Which yanks my head over to the side and causes me to yelp like a wounded puppy until I can get everything straightened out.

To recap: covered in condiments, sore ear, freaked out cute boy also covered in ketchup at my side. Rock on.

After a period where we all catch our breath, we reconvene long enough to find out that he was trying to ask if he could borrow my salt.

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I might as well start collecting my great multitude of cats right now, I'm going to die alone.