Dorkage: The Dorkening

Watch out, this is one of those internet staple entries that I'm almost too ashamed to put up, but am too lazy to waste, now that it's come down to it.

As it is dictated by my DNA, I went out and purchased the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD the day after it came out.

(I truly believe that the second I was handed that Computer Science degree my DNA was forever and irrevocably altered so that I will always be pale, bedecked in glasses, will sneeze at natural light, be unable to catch a ball, and will immediately buy all things Star Wars immediately on their release. People who know me may contend that had all these traits before I actually received the degree. These people are lying. I was a natural athlete, strong and bronzed, and only engaged in all things cool, until that day I picked up that degree. Anyways.)

It has come to my attention that there are several issues I have with the first movie that I've never really delved into. I think right now would be an excellent time to get into it.

• Luke has got to be the whiniest character in the history of the world that people were actually supposed to eventually like. "Buuuut, I was going into Toche Station to pick uuuppp some power con-vert-teerrrrs!" Shut it, Luke! Dear Lord, I would have bitch slapped that boy 20 minutes in.
• Princess Leia is incredibly resourceful. Somehow she manages to maintain that incredibly difficult Headphone/Bear Claw hairdo throughout the entire movie, enduring hostile takeover of her ship, stunning in the back, torture at the hands of Darth Vader, and escape through a garbage disposal. That is some dedication to your style.
  
• Darth Vader is incredibly effective in all things. Whether crushing some guy's windpipe or smiting Obi Wan, you have to admire the guy's lack of wasted movement, as well as his general bad-ass-itude. Too bad he cocks it up in the end. Who ever told you that you were a great starfighter, huh?
• Tarkin never really did anything for me , as a character. Too much British bureaucracy, not enough ass kicking menace. I find it hard to believe Vader didn't wing him with a lightsaber during Death Star construction. He did manage to wipe out an entire planet, though. Pretty bold, that I'll give him.

I still totally love the movie, though. "I can't see 'im!" said with a heavy Texas accent may be my most often quoted throwaway movie line over my entire life (closely matched by "Do it! Do it now!" from The Matrix.) (Damn, I really am a dork.)

All this and I still have two more movies to go! And the bonus features. Rock on. Just can't wait for Yoda to show up again.