This was a couple of weeks ago now, back during that winter storm that hit Dallas for 3 really boring (and cold) days. So I'm out at a restaurant with some friends. We're finishing up dinner, settling the bill and whatnot. The place isn't too crowded, even though it's a Friday night, mostly because it's (at max) 25 degrees outside with a super cold wind blowing. It feels pretty full though, because all the tables and booths are placed really close together and they've put everyone in one section of the building. The restaurant's pretty big so I don't understand why they've got everyone crammed into the one small portion of the floor, but who am I to judge? (This is a rationalization for what occurs later. This whole incident obviously was not my fault. It was the restaurant's lack of spatial planning sense.)
I down the final bit of my drink and we get our checks back. Using my mad math skills, I calculate a tip and sum the total up in record time. We pour out of our booth and start getting ready to brave the crazy cold. I'm already mostly ready to go, I've got three layers going even indoors, so all I need to do is apply my jacket and scarf and I'll be good.
Unfortunately I don't properly scope out my surroundings before attempting to get my arm in the jacket sleeve. There were several things that I did not take into account:
- Our waitress is pretty shy, and very quiet. In fact, she's downright near silent when walking between the tables.
- All those aforementioned tables are very, very close together leaving not much room for a single person to maneuver, let alone two people.
- My layers are already so thick that in order to get my jacket on I must fully extend my arm out behind me before I can begin the process of shimmying the rest of the way in.
But really, why does she have to be walking so quiet-like? And shouldn't one really expect that a patron who is getting ready to leave might suddenly and for no reason shoot his arm out into your path? And as such, shouldn't you plan for that kind of event accordingly?
Yeah, I got nothing.
I apologized profusely, turned very red, and endured many angry glares from the other non-waitress-punching restaurant goers, and then amended my tip as generously as possible without sending my bank account into the red.
Good times.
---------------------------------
Yesterday I was in a crazy hurry to get home from work. I was meeting someone approximately half an hour after I got out and had at least 5 different tasks that needed to be completed beforehand. I decided on the trip home to try and consolidate as many of those errands as possible into a smaller number of super-errands in order to up the likelihood of being on-time with my bad self.
I decided that the easiest of the consolidations would be to go ahead and get the inside of the Truck of Malfunction cleaned while I was driving home, saving valuable seconds in my apartment parking lot that otherwise would have been wasted throwing empty fast food wrappers into a plastic bag. Thus at each stoplight on the way home I did just that - lurched around the cab of the truck grabbing every reachable piece of trash and throwing them into the grocery bag that I tend to use as my lunch container. While at the same time winding up all the various cell phone/miscellaneous car adapter cords that had accumulated over the months and storing in my glove compartment.
This seems like a foolproof plan, no? It worked quite well, at first.
Until at the busiest intersection on my trip home. This light tends to run excessively long, so I figured I had plenty of time to reach over to the far side of the passenger's seat and get at all the difficult trash that has fallen outside of my field of view. I rummage around back there and toss everything I can touch up to the front of the cab for easy disposal into the trash bag. Step One: Success.
However, when I pull up to start transferring all the trash into the bag (Step Two), it turns out that the trash that I wasn't able to see was all very dusty. Enough so that when I grabbed the next piece, a huge cloud representing 6 months of car foot-traffic debris billowed up into the air.
This sent me into a horrible sneezing fit, which occurred while I was still reaching across the length of the car. And just so you know, when I sneeze, my body gets into it. Enough so that of the four uncontrollable sneezes that wracked my body, two of them shook me so violently that my head and shoulder bounced off the steering column hard enough to honk the horn (so conveniently placed right in the middle of the wheel).
Just stop and imagine for a moment that you are sitting at the bus stop at this particular intersection through all of this. What do you see?
Some guy pulls up at the stoplight. He begins to root around in his truck, throwing huge amounts of receipts, empty fast food wrappers, and sundry other pieces of crap into the air towards the front of his car. He finally stops this after some time and begins digging through the junk he has just unearthed, only to pause for 5 long seconds with a decidedly unattractive look on his face, and then suddenly starts rapidly jerking his head forward. In the process ramming his body 4 times into the steering wheel, honking twice.
The light then turns green and he speeds away, while turning a most violent shade of red.
Yeaaah. Awesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment