Okay, it's not like I am an actually altruistic member of society, but I do remember a time when I had limits.
No, I don't recycle. And yes, I probably throw out enough empty Dr Pepper cans to singlehandedly ensure the downfall of humankind in about 150 years. But I at least buy them in bulk and don't throw out those little six-pack plastic ring things that are always killing dolphins or tuna, or whatever.
And no, I don't really do any charity work. I haven't been to a soup kitchen, trash pick-up, or Meals on Wheels event since high school. But I totally rock Donors Choose at least once every other month or so, and I have 4 kids that I sponsor for the Lions Club monthly events. Just so long as it doesn't require me to get off my couch and away from my bag of Cheetos, I'm all over it.
And no, I don't go to local grocers for my food, to support small business owners who are being out-sold by greedy multinational corporations. But I at least limited myself to primarily humanely run, non-evil mostly-local-to-the-South Big Businesses, like Kroger or Albertsons.
At least, until Frank introduced me to the Walmart grocer in our neighborhood.
It fills every single cliche you could possibly imagine. There are tiny children running throughout the entire place barefoot, screaming like banshees. Crammed shelves. Bad lighting. Wire carts with squeaky wheels. Children everywhere, climbing like monkeys. People wearing NASCAR T-shirts and cutoffs. Crazy, possibly-homeless woman on aisle 5. Did I mention all the wailing children with the dirty faces?
It is the evil incarnate, and we haven't even discussed the actual corporate issues that are the real source of my reprehension.
BUT
BUT
Ohmigod, the prices. And the food choices. It's unconscionable.
They have Honey Bunches of Oh's cereal, unlike every other store around here. And Lunchables at half the price of the competitors. Their frozen foods section is like walking down a hallway of slightly chilly but delicious dreams. And they have Pocky. Cheap Pocky.
I saved literally (not even an estimation, I did the math earlier today) 20.87% off my regular food bill for this week. I can't resist that. Do you see what has happened to me? Sold out to the lowest common denominator for a couple of boxes of Japanese biscuit sticks and cheap preservative-laden lunches.
I had no idea my soul went for so little. But then again, I haven't had many offers lately.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Rust
Blah blah, apology, blah.
Reviews!
Movies:
Pride & Prejudice - Do you like the ampersand? I think it makes everything much more modern. Anyways. This is such a kick-ass movie. I officially believe that Keira Knightly is a really good actress now, after this and the bounty hunter movie. As Frank can testify, nothing makes me break out in uncontrollable laughter quite as much as a well timed Victorian quip. Seriously, I could not stop laughing all the way through this movie. They are so dry! And yet hilarious. And it was so sweet. I will admit that the majority of the movie I was distracted by how very Bridget Jones it was, until I remembered that I had the exact same problem watching Bridget Jones thinking about how much it was like the novel of Pride and Prejudice. My mind is a scary place. But yeah, total love.
Hustle & Flow - People told me this movie was great. Did I listen to them? No. "It's about a rapping pimp. That's not great." I was such a fool. So good that my Sunday was mostly relegated to wandering through the house going "Man, that movie was so good," like I was in a fugue state. Terrence Howard is ridiculously good, as is DJ Qualls of all people. The actress who played Shug should have totally gotten a Best Supporting Actress nomination, I am totally serious, but entirely unsure of who I would kick out to make room for her. The meeting at the end is amazing for so many different reasons, but man. So effective. Just a perfect movie. You need to see this. In fact, it deserves caps: GO SEE THIS.
Books:
Monkeewrench, P.J Tracy - Do you know how long it's been since I've read just a standard thriller? Way too long. This one is pretty much straight boilerplate at first - A serial killer starts mimicking the staged deaths in a video game in real life. The mystery seems ready to go south very quickly, and the initial language is so horrible that I almost tossed the book away, reminding myself why I stopped reading these sort of books in the first place.
Then, a weird thing happened - the characters got interesting and compelling, the dialogue was just sarcastic enough for my taste, and the story actually picked up. Managed to finish the last 300 pages in just over a day. By the time all three main plots started going full pace, you barely even remember to think about the world around you. The book has too many characters and subplots and the ending doesn't quite pay off enough, but its a very solid read. And apparently it launched a series in the same world, which should be interesting. I will examine and report further.
Something Dangerous, Patrick Redmond - Okay, this book is bold, I will give it that. It concerns a boys boarding school and some unexplained atrocity that occurred in its past. The novel is very well written and realistic, the issues with the younger boys getting hazed by the upper years are all very vivid and the entire book sort of runs with this intense undercurrent of dread that is downright creepy. My only problem with the book (except for all the characters, dear lord, I think there are at least 15 primary players) is that the ending builds and builds and suddenly you hit the ending and it's utterly preposterous. I guess that shouldn't invalidate the rest of the story, but goddamn did it take me out of the moment. Overall well done, but unsatisfying. I really want to read something else by this author, though, and see what he can do.
Reviews!
Movies:
Pride & Prejudice - Do you like the ampersand? I think it makes everything much more modern. Anyways. This is such a kick-ass movie. I officially believe that Keira Knightly is a really good actress now, after this and the bounty hunter movie. As Frank can testify, nothing makes me break out in uncontrollable laughter quite as much as a well timed Victorian quip. Seriously, I could not stop laughing all the way through this movie. They are so dry! And yet hilarious. And it was so sweet. I will admit that the majority of the movie I was distracted by how very Bridget Jones it was, until I remembered that I had the exact same problem watching Bridget Jones thinking about how much it was like the novel of Pride and Prejudice. My mind is a scary place. But yeah, total love.
Hustle & Flow - People told me this movie was great. Did I listen to them? No. "It's about a rapping pimp. That's not great." I was such a fool. So good that my Sunday was mostly relegated to wandering through the house going "Man, that movie was so good," like I was in a fugue state. Terrence Howard is ridiculously good, as is DJ Qualls of all people. The actress who played Shug should have totally gotten a Best Supporting Actress nomination, I am totally serious, but entirely unsure of who I would kick out to make room for her. The meeting at the end is amazing for so many different reasons, but man. So effective. Just a perfect movie. You need to see this. In fact, it deserves caps: GO SEE THIS.
Books:
Monkeewrench, P.J Tracy - Do you know how long it's been since I've read just a standard thriller? Way too long. This one is pretty much straight boilerplate at first - A serial killer starts mimicking the staged deaths in a video game in real life. The mystery seems ready to go south very quickly, and the initial language is so horrible that I almost tossed the book away, reminding myself why I stopped reading these sort of books in the first place.
Then, a weird thing happened - the characters got interesting and compelling, the dialogue was just sarcastic enough for my taste, and the story actually picked up. Managed to finish the last 300 pages in just over a day. By the time all three main plots started going full pace, you barely even remember to think about the world around you. The book has too many characters and subplots and the ending doesn't quite pay off enough, but its a very solid read. And apparently it launched a series in the same world, which should be interesting. I will examine and report further.
Something Dangerous, Patrick Redmond - Okay, this book is bold, I will give it that. It concerns a boys boarding school and some unexplained atrocity that occurred in its past. The novel is very well written and realistic, the issues with the younger boys getting hazed by the upper years are all very vivid and the entire book sort of runs with this intense undercurrent of dread that is downright creepy. My only problem with the book (except for all the characters, dear lord, I think there are at least 15 primary players) is that the ending builds and builds and suddenly you hit the ending and it's utterly preposterous. I guess that shouldn't invalidate the rest of the story, but goddamn did it take me out of the moment. Overall well done, but unsatisfying. I really want to read something else by this author, though, and see what he can do.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Head Trauma
(Note: I just spent over 3 minutes trying to spell "Trauma." True story.)
For the last three days I have been battling intense headaches all day long. Like, get-up-in-the-morning-and-throw-up headaches of epic proportions. These sort of things usually only occur when I am in the vicinity of a breed of long-haired cat, but unless Franklin has smuggled in something cute and furry and is hiding it in his hobo-room while teaching it to dance to Katherine McPhee songs (based on the music coming from his room, this is a distinct possibility), I'm thinking something else must be the cause.
I've been trying to root out the cause, just 'cause, y'know, there are better ways to spend my mornings than in front of a toilet. Weirdly, they tend to disappate as the day goes on and are usually gone by about 8:00 at night. This leads me to the deductive conclusion that it must be something in my bed that is causing it.
So last night I eliminated my blanket and sheet and pillow, instead opting for my old (wildly inferior) ancient bedclothes/pillow setup. This did absolutely nothing except make me very uncomfortable and wake up constantly through the night. Tonight I will try sleeping on the couch, eliminating ever other variable in the equation, but I'm not optimistic. Therefore I am stumped, and doomed to a life of pounding headaches and irritability.
Because when I've got a headache, two important things happen: 1) I lose the ability to smile without it looking like a ritcus of death and 2) my ability to laugh at non-funny things in a corporate setting disappears.
1) is not so important, but it's amazing how often 2) is required on an hourly basis. People make jokes in the office all the time. I use the term 'jokes' loosely; people laugh about things all the time. Etiquette dictates that you laugh along with them to keep a conversation going smoothly. When my head is pounding, I can't focus on the words coming out of anyone's mouth long enough to determine when I need my insincere laugh to activate. This is death in the corporate world.
That paragraph makes me sound like a robot. I'm not a robot, I'm just socially inept.
Also, I am chock full of every over-the-counter drug known to man right now, including some very powerful sedatives, so I should be given allowances for incoherency.
-------------------------
While the pain is still managable and I'm still a little high - Some notes on television, which rules my life now:
The Amazing Race is starting to amazingly piss me off, and the self-proclaimed Hippies have managed to make it all the way into the finals and seem hell-bent on jumping on my last (painfully throbbing) nerve. Hypocrisy is a time-honored pastime of mine, but even I have limits. Specifically, my limit being: Calling another team "bad people" for not leaving you anything in a RACE because all of your stuff got taken away in the last round (because you came in last place), after you put a Yield on them (time penalty) in the last round and tried to break up their relationship by insinuating that one member was hooking up with a different guy from another team. The gall. Oh how it burns. The hippies need to die.
American Idol has reached the stage where Franklin becomes a 12 year old girl, and things start getting awesome. The look on both Kat and Chris' faces when he was informed he was out was just so much fun. And thus was born the most awkward hug in the history of the world. Also, I am sad that Chris and his Minor Hotness is gone, while both The Troll and The Old Man continue to hang around. Doesn't anyone realize that Hotness is what really counts in an American Idol? Let's focus here, people.
(My favorite summation of the entire season: "This year, they can actually, you know. Sing. Without sucking. Even the Missing Link there has a good voice. Ugly as hell, with no moves at all. But A good voice.")
Survivor has become actual TV-watchable this year again, surprisingly, after the woman who professed a deep-seated fear of leaves in the opening episode has turned out to be a wickedly awesome schemer. Which of course means she will be the first voted out at Final 4, but it's brought the show back for me. Who would have guessed? (No, really. A fear of leaves. The mind, it boggles.)
The Office season finale is tonight. My level of anticipation is higher than it has been for any TV show in the last 2 seasons. I'm a little over-invested. This is one of those shows that I cannot resist, an Arrested Development type show, where when I'm watching it I lose the power to control my laughing. Like, it's inappropriately loud and gross guffawing. I'm so tacky watching this show. But it is love. Jim+Pam4EVA.
For the last three days I have been battling intense headaches all day long. Like, get-up-in-the-morning-and-throw-up headaches of epic proportions. These sort of things usually only occur when I am in the vicinity of a breed of long-haired cat, but unless Franklin has smuggled in something cute and furry and is hiding it in his hobo-room while teaching it to dance to Katherine McPhee songs (based on the music coming from his room, this is a distinct possibility), I'm thinking something else must be the cause.
I've been trying to root out the cause, just 'cause, y'know, there are better ways to spend my mornings than in front of a toilet. Weirdly, they tend to disappate as the day goes on and are usually gone by about 8:00 at night. This leads me to the deductive conclusion that it must be something in my bed that is causing it.
So last night I eliminated my blanket and sheet and pillow, instead opting for my old (wildly inferior) ancient bedclothes/pillow setup. This did absolutely nothing except make me very uncomfortable and wake up constantly through the night. Tonight I will try sleeping on the couch, eliminating ever other variable in the equation, but I'm not optimistic. Therefore I am stumped, and doomed to a life of pounding headaches and irritability.
Because when I've got a headache, two important things happen: 1) I lose the ability to smile without it looking like a ritcus of death and 2) my ability to laugh at non-funny things in a corporate setting disappears.
1) is not so important, but it's amazing how often 2) is required on an hourly basis. People make jokes in the office all the time. I use the term 'jokes' loosely; people laugh about things all the time. Etiquette dictates that you laugh along with them to keep a conversation going smoothly. When my head is pounding, I can't focus on the words coming out of anyone's mouth long enough to determine when I need my insincere laugh to activate. This is death in the corporate world.
That paragraph makes me sound like a robot. I'm not a robot, I'm just socially inept.
Also, I am chock full of every over-the-counter drug known to man right now, including some very powerful sedatives, so I should be given allowances for incoherency.
-------------------------
While the pain is still managable and I'm still a little high - Some notes on television, which rules my life now:
The Amazing Race is starting to amazingly piss me off, and the self-proclaimed Hippies have managed to make it all the way into the finals and seem hell-bent on jumping on my last (painfully throbbing) nerve. Hypocrisy is a time-honored pastime of mine, but even I have limits. Specifically, my limit being: Calling another team "bad people" for not leaving you anything in a RACE because all of your stuff got taken away in the last round (because you came in last place), after you put a Yield on them (time penalty) in the last round and tried to break up their relationship by insinuating that one member was hooking up with a different guy from another team. The gall. Oh how it burns. The hippies need to die.
American Idol has reached the stage where Franklin becomes a 12 year old girl, and things start getting awesome. The look on both Kat and Chris' faces when he was informed he was out was just so much fun. And thus was born the most awkward hug in the history of the world. Also, I am sad that Chris and his Minor Hotness is gone, while both The Troll and The Old Man continue to hang around. Doesn't anyone realize that Hotness is what really counts in an American Idol? Let's focus here, people.
(My favorite summation of the entire season: "This year, they can actually, you know. Sing. Without sucking. Even the Missing Link there has a good voice. Ugly as hell, with no moves at all. But A good voice.")
Survivor has become actual TV-watchable this year again, surprisingly, after the woman who professed a deep-seated fear of leaves in the opening episode has turned out to be a wickedly awesome schemer. Which of course means she will be the first voted out at Final 4, but it's brought the show back for me. Who would have guessed? (No, really. A fear of leaves. The mind, it boggles.)
The Office season finale is tonight. My level of anticipation is higher than it has been for any TV show in the last 2 seasons. I'm a little over-invested. This is one of those shows that I cannot resist, an Arrested Development type show, where when I'm watching it I lose the power to control my laughing. Like, it's inappropriately loud and gross guffawing. I'm so tacky watching this show. But it is love. Jim+Pam4EVA.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Beard Watch - Day 6
It is day 6 of Beard Watch 2006, and we are nearing the end, I believe.
Of course, since no one is really aware of the Beard Watch until now, because I am a lazy bastard and never actually posted anything, this whole thing sort of loses its effectiveness. I shall start from the beginning.
So over the weekends I am always very lazy and never really shave unless I have a date, or a meeting, or a coronation to attend. As this weekend's largest adventure was a mission to see Stick It (Two word review: Eh, Nice.) I did not see the benefit of shaving. And when I got up late on Monday, again I wasn't really feeling it, thus the Beard Watch was born.
I usually don't go in for such things, as I've had very bad experiences with facial hair in the past (see: my sophomore year of college, the "goatee/soul patch of death" months. *shudder*). But since I am now ancient, I figure it is high time to see whether or not I actually can grow a worthwhile visage.
The answer is mixed.
I think it looks nice. Not great, but different. Scruffy is one thing, bearded is another. I am somewhere in the middle, but after 6 days we're leaning towards the latter.
Frank says it makes me look "Funny. And by 'Funny', I mean 'Queer'."
Hate Crime!
Anyways...
Devon occasionally would break out in fits of laughter around me, but refused to confirm that she was indeed laughing at my face. And she did mention something about Chris O'Donnell circa Grey's Anatomy (not necessarily a comparision but more a frame of reference. But I take everything said to me in the most absurdly complimentary light possible, even to the point of removing all context. Jason = Chris O'Donnell. Damn straight.) Therefore, I say the results are inconclusive.
The experience of having a beard is cool though. Morning time is drastically reduced, although it can be pretty itchy during the day. Random people I barely know stop me to discuss how I look, which as a huge narcissist I dig. And I can totally stroke my chin in thought and look wicked deep and introspective. It's only second to a pair of glasses in making me look smarter than I am.
But since I do have a date this weekend, we will be bidding farewell to my little friend soon enough, no doubt. Such a sad day. And such a lame story. Geez, maybe it was for the best that I didn't post anything.
----------------------
Oh, okay, also. I've been meaning to forever, but just this week finally got a pair of sunglasses. Long it had been that I was always wearing my normal "corrective lens glasses" (as all the cool kids call them), so shades were out of the question. Now that I've got my delicious contacts, I can once again enjoy the outdoors without wincing.
The particular sunglasses I got? A pair of smoking hot super-dark aviator style ones that cover at least half my face. I love them beyond words. Not only are they functional, I think they make me look totally bad-ass.
(Frank: "Those are the gayest things you own. And you own a lot of gay things. And since when are you a cop from a bad porn movie?" Way more information than I ever needed to know, that.)
Combined with the Beard Watch, I am truly pushing the envelope of fashion this week. I should totally be America's Next Top Boy Model. I am at least as pretty as every one of the contestants left on this season's cycle.
And Tyra would love me, for I am fierce.
Of course, since no one is really aware of the Beard Watch until now, because I am a lazy bastard and never actually posted anything, this whole thing sort of loses its effectiveness. I shall start from the beginning.
So over the weekends I am always very lazy and never really shave unless I have a date, or a meeting, or a coronation to attend. As this weekend's largest adventure was a mission to see Stick It (Two word review: Eh, Nice.) I did not see the benefit of shaving. And when I got up late on Monday, again I wasn't really feeling it, thus the Beard Watch was born.
I usually don't go in for such things, as I've had very bad experiences with facial hair in the past (see: my sophomore year of college, the "goatee/soul patch of death" months. *shudder*). But since I am now ancient, I figure it is high time to see whether or not I actually can grow a worthwhile visage.
The answer is mixed.
I think it looks nice. Not great, but different. Scruffy is one thing, bearded is another. I am somewhere in the middle, but after 6 days we're leaning towards the latter.
Frank says it makes me look "Funny. And by 'Funny', I mean 'Queer'."
Hate Crime!
Anyways...
Devon occasionally would break out in fits of laughter around me, but refused to confirm that she was indeed laughing at my face. And she did mention something about Chris O'Donnell circa Grey's Anatomy (not necessarily a comparision but more a frame of reference. But I take everything said to me in the most absurdly complimentary light possible, even to the point of removing all context. Jason = Chris O'Donnell. Damn straight.) Therefore, I say the results are inconclusive.
The experience of having a beard is cool though. Morning time is drastically reduced, although it can be pretty itchy during the day. Random people I barely know stop me to discuss how I look, which as a huge narcissist I dig. And I can totally stroke my chin in thought and look wicked deep and introspective. It's only second to a pair of glasses in making me look smarter than I am.
But since I do have a date this weekend, we will be bidding farewell to my little friend soon enough, no doubt. Such a sad day. And such a lame story. Geez, maybe it was for the best that I didn't post anything.
----------------------
Oh, okay, also. I've been meaning to forever, but just this week finally got a pair of sunglasses. Long it had been that I was always wearing my normal "corrective lens glasses" (as all the cool kids call them), so shades were out of the question. Now that I've got my delicious contacts, I can once again enjoy the outdoors without wincing.
The particular sunglasses I got? A pair of smoking hot super-dark aviator style ones that cover at least half my face. I love them beyond words. Not only are they functional, I think they make me look totally bad-ass.
(Frank: "Those are the gayest things you own. And you own a lot of gay things. And since when are you a cop from a bad porn movie?" Way more information than I ever needed to know, that.)
Combined with the Beard Watch, I am truly pushing the envelope of fashion this week. I should totally be America's Next Top Boy Model. I am at least as pretty as every one of the contestants left on this season's cycle.
And Tyra would love me, for I am fierce.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Know Your Audience?
I am intensely in love with the Mavs this year. The past couple of years I've loved their success in theory, but I absolutely could not watch them play a full game. It was sheer torture. Even in games where they were winning by 20, it would still stick in the back of my mind that at any second they could blow the entire thing. I would not put it past them for a second. They gave me palpitations worse than watching SMU basketball, if that's even possible.
This year they are fully minus 2/3rds of what I loved about them before (no Steve Nash, no Michael Finley) and suddenly I've been able to watch every single game, the full season. And even when they suck, I still enjoy watching. There are multiple reasons I've come up with, each more ridiculous than the last.
This year they are fully minus 2/3rds of what I loved about them before (no Steve Nash, no Michael Finley) and suddenly I've been able to watch every single game, the full season. And even when they suck, I still enjoy watching. There are multiple reasons I've come up with, each more ridiculous than the last.
- Dirk has totally become my favorite player in the whole world. Steve Nash will always hold a special place in my heart (specifically the wily, bad haired, Canadian-loving place) but Nowitzki has just become ridiculously good, making every important shot, while looking completely crazy all of the time. I make personal bets on when he will get the Wild Eye - where he goes all intense and starts flipping his hair everywhere and his eyes bug out like he's got the Red Fever from Alias, and it's almost always before the first half is over nowadays. I'm totally bitter that he did not (will not, whatev) win MVP. Did you people really think the Mavs were going to win 60 this year? Like I said, I love me some Steve Nash, but come on.
- They actually display confidence during their games. About three weeks before the end of the season, they were down by one at the Clippers with, like 7 seconds to go and they had the ball. Any other season and I would be completely unable to watch, because they always seemed so surprised to win a close game that I felt nothing but doom. In this case I sat riveted, totally knowing that Dirk would get the ball and we would win. Every single person in the stadium knew it too, and when it totally happened anyways, it felt very right. I have no experience with that, but: awesome. Same thing happened this weekend in the playoffs. (Although I will admit, I could not watch the second quarter, I was having such flashbacks). They get to the very end, look like they're flailing around with their heads chopped off, and suddenly Dirk has the ball and hits the three to tie. This is an utterly watchable team.
- All the post game interviews that they do on UPN after the game. I swear, I have no idea what the players or the interviewers are on, but it's just complete hilarity. Nowitzki shilling so obviously for Central Market, Jason Terry's completely blank open-mouthed stare when he obviously mis-heard the interviewer say "Bitched" instead of "Pitched," like he's five years old and the teacher just swore, and Avery Johnson making allusions to World War II like he's running some sort of platoon. They just seem like fun, and also completely out of their minds.
- Mark Cuban. Reaction shots from the sidelines, his blog, his TV show, the whole nine yards. He's become such a caricature of himself that it almost isn't worth mentioning, but how much does he seem like a spastic little kid who gets to do whatever he wants? When he was jumping up and down on the sidelines this weekend, I just wanted someone to go over and pat his head and be all "Well someone's going to sleep well tonight!"
I don't know if I love our chances of winning it all, or heck even getting out of the West, but I really love watching them play. Which makes this whole month much more palatable. I really cannot wait for the Spurs series, it is going to be so awesome.
---------------------------
Other basketball note - That last Lakers-Suns game was the most entertaining thing I saw last month. I still cannot get over that ending - They made tiny Steve Nash jump against Luke Walton after getting totally mugged on the sideline with the other Suns practically shaking the refs asking for a timeout? But good goddamn Kobe Bryant is wicked good at basketball. My heart cries out for poor Steve, but the Suns totally deserve what they got. Good times.
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