Summations = Death

I always knew that math would be the death of me, but I never knew exactly how it would play out. Turns out, trying to do math before the first cup of coffee in the morning is my ultimate downfall.

So, I'm easily a very lazy guy. I treasure each and every minute of my sleep as though it were some sort of precious jewel, or perhaps a tasty piece of pie. So in the mornings, once my alarm goes off, I like to hit me some Snooze and regain a few extra minutes of exquisite sleep. Specifically, my Snooze button gives me 9 more minutes. I love those 9 minutes so much. And usually once those nine are up, I can get up with minimal effort, weeping, and moaning. Mostly minimal.

But this morning, I guess I must have bumped the clock when I set it last night, because the alarm went off at 6:24, rather than the normal 6:51 that I am accustomed. You see 6:51 + 9 minutes = 7:00. Time to get up, right? Nice and easy. So the alarm goes off at 6:24. Kneejerk reaction, I swing out my arm, smash it down on the clock and roll over. During this roll over is when I process the time.

"6:24, eh? That means, I will get to sleep until.....ummm...6:33. Excellent. That's even more sleeping time than usual. In fact, I could hit the snooze button even more than just once."

Thus began my downward spiral in my mind, trying to do simple addition to figure out how many times I could hit the snooze button and still reasonably get up right around 7:00. My brain does not function this early in the morning. You have no idea how complicated this entire process was to me. Of course, it never occurred to me to reset the alarm for any time, no I laid there running over and over the sums, trying to come up with the perfect number of times I could be jerked out of my sleep, wack my hand on a demonic piece of plastic, and then try to recover some additional Zzz's.

I just couldn't come up with the right number. I'd do the sums, and then forget to keep the running total in my head, or keep the count but not the minutes. Over and over. This went on for the full 9 minutes of the first snooze. That's right, the alarm went off before I had finished counting up the remaining 36 minutes in the hour. And notice that it's 36. It's an evenly divisible number of snooze hits. 3. The answer is 3 more times after this first one. But I never got there.

Once the alarm went off, I was all "Screw it. I'm just gonna hit it 2 more times and then get up." So I inadvertently was still correct, despite my lack of 2nd grade math.

That is until I found out that when I wake up by an alarm, I really don't have that good of thought processes (in case that wasn't plainly evident) and can't keep a running count from snooze to snooze. So I did that whole "One snooze left" hit 4 times.

Which meant that not only did I have to forego shaving this morning, I was especially grumpy and wrinkled the whole day through.

Stupid math.