Intro With Breasts

Guess what? I'm now an opinion columnist. Behold the amazing power of the internet. Actually, I guess it's more behold the power of Jason to do anything that is not: finding an apartment, finding a job, doing homework, or anything else productive. Frank has seduced me into his webpage of lies and tabloid like practices with promises of fame, fortune, and world domination.

But it turns out you also have to find things you have an opinion about to be a columnist. I made up a list of things that I have opinions on, but they all seemed pretty boring. So I came up with something much more racy and topical: Breasts! I actually have very little in the way of an opinion on breasts. I have nothing against them, per se, but I definitely don't see what the big deal is. This delightful bit of insight into the mind of Jason brings me to the opinion portion of today's column: Why is there such a big hoopla about Janet Jackson's breast, in The Halftime Debacle That Scandalized a Nation?

See, I was actually watching the halftime show, wondering if they'd actually sing a song that came out within the last two years, when the alleged 'boob showage' occurred. Justin Timberlake had finally managed to come up with one vaguely recent song (Rock Your Body or some such equally ridiculous beatboxing gibberish) and I was finally ready to switch back to the Queer Eye marathon. Suddenly, The Event That Shocked A Nation went down before my eyes. My entire reaction (which comprised 0.2 seconds of my life) went exactly like this: "Huh. I think Janet Jackson might have just flashed me. I wonder if they have gotten around to waxing the unibrow off that poor straight guy yet." Click.

Two hours later, people will not freaking shut up about The Tragedy That Will Linger Forever. "Won't someone please think of the children?! They may have seen a breast with a piece of metal strategically covering the naughty bits," said the entire American population apparently.

Now, I'm sorry to all the people in America who are not aware, but I'm willing to give you incredible odds that no one was forever traumatized by The Wardrobe Malfunction That Will Echo Across Time. Because if your child was watching the half-time at the Superbowl I think it follows that they have probably seen at least some MTV in their lifetime. And if they've seen some MTV, then they've seen the new Britney Spears video, Toxic, (because it is on continuous loop there these days) in which she wears nothing but body glitter and clever CGI animation for huge periods of time. And if they've seen that, Janet Jackson's breast has gotta be pretty low on the scale of Cool Smutty Things We've Seen Lately.

Despite this fact, I will continue to be barraged with in depth analyses of the event, microsecond by microsecond, along with probing questions about the destruction of the moral fabric of society and the downfall of television vis a vis the decline of Western Civilization as we know it. Seriously, ya'll, it was a breast. Shown for 1.7 seconds. Yeah it was kinda creepy and metal-looking, but look at all the good it has wrought: It gave me my first column topic.