Unsent #2

Now with 100% more Unoriginality!

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To: The Woman in my Office, Three Doors Down
Re: Work Attire

Hi, so seriously? That was the best outfit you could come up with to wear to work today? You got up this morning, went to your closet and thought to yourself: "Self, you know what you should wear today? A lime green spandex top, a flowing brown peasant skirt, and a belt that is covered in tiny bells! So everywhere you go people will hear the delightful sound of ringing and think that Santa Claus and his reindeer have invaded the office in the middle of summer! Oh yeah, you are so fashion-forward!"

I can only assume that's how the thought process went, because...yeah.

Only, no dear. On every single level imaginable. I would wish for blindness, except that the shirt already did that job for me. And that still doesn't help with the constant ringing.

Yours Truly in Fashion Solidarity,
Jason

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To: Office Moving Guys
Re: The Concept of Moving

Okay guys, I understand. Our move is not that big, three offices moving to a different space on the same floor, we're not exactly a high priority on the list of Pressing Moving Issues. But when you show up three hours late, with three guys instead of the expected 5 (one of whom was at least 60 years old and walked with a limp), don't bring all of our equipment, and forget the keys to our filing cabinets, it is considered common courtesy to, I don't know, actually FINISH MOVING EVERYTHING, before bolting out of the office at 6:00, leaving a 140-pound former-computer-science-major with a propensity for clumsiness to move two 150 lb modular walls, three copiers from the 1980's and a filing cabinet that weighs as much as the space shuttle, by himself into the new offices.

And maybe I'm just old fashioned or something, but I would think that after all that you shouldn't also have the gall to then bill us for 3 additional hours (at the after-hours delivery rates), when you were only here for 2 hours total. It only incites my rage and gives me the intense urge to work up my own invoice that puts a dollar value on the difficulties I had moving those gigantic walls by myself after 6:00 on a Friday afternoon and deliver it to you in a fitting manner (read: wrapped around a brick through a window, or similar).

My Best in Back Pain,
Jason

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To: The Heat
Re: Yeah, The Heat

Okay, we get it, you're hot. Enough already. Seriously. You understand that I still don't have working air conditioning in my TOM right? Your point = Made. I don't need to walk into my office building, take a deep breath and literally feel the interior or my lungs cooling off.

Yesterday I was moving some boxes out of the back of the TOM around 3:oo in the afternoon and I got a physical burn on my arm from the surface of the truck. Where is the fun in that? Do you feel like a big man? Burning a poor innocent pale guy who is just trying to do his (amended to include new personalized tasks for a crazy person) job? Just wait until Fall gets here and then we'll see how tough you are.

(Incidentally, I don't mean all this in a goading fashion, because seriously, if it gets any hotter I may actually die. From spontaneous human combustion. We cool, right? (Geddit? Cool? That was a joke, from me to you, Heat.))

Face Meltingly Yours,
Jason

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To: The Cute Blockbuster Guy
Re: Totally not Stalking You

Hi. Yeah. So how's it going? Good. Okay, so recently when I was in the store, I know I totally brought up the fact that you had recently got a new haircut (by saying "OMG you got a haircut!" like a crazy person, or perhaps an awestruck 13 year old), despite the fact that we barely know each other beyond our near daily interactions at the checkout counter, in my seemingly unending quest to rent every movie Blockbuster has in stock. But that does not mean that I am a crazy stalker guy! I just really liked your hair before, so it was shocking when I came in and it was all different.

Yeah, okay, so that's a little weird, but everyone has their quirks, mine just happen to be a little more extensive in number and include an appreciation of a really good highlights job. Can't one guy just comment on a near stranger's haircut without seeming completely insane? And yeah, maybe I have a little crush on you, and your new haircut with even more prominent highlights, and your tendency to compliment my taste in movies. Totally doesn't mean I'm stalking you, though. Admiring from nearby is something totally different.

Anyways, what are you doing later?

With Movie Love,
Jason