Job Hunting and the Common Man

“Always get the laziest man to do the job. For he will get it done the quickest so he can continue to be lazy.” - Ryan P.Quirk

I do not make very good first impressions. Never have, more than likely never will. Generally, I come off as surly and angry, or weird and shifty, or fidgety and spastic. It’s all dependent on the time of day you first meet me and the amount of sugar I’ve consumed lately. In most areas of life, this isn’t the worst problem in the world. I get second chances with pretty much anyone who matters, and over time people come to understand or at least tolerate me in normal life. No harm, no foul, even if people think that I (hate them / will mug them / am insane) the first time we meet.

In the world of job hunting and the application process, however, this ain’t the case. First impressions are everything. Which would normally mean I’m completely screwed over and will never find a job and will end up homeless and living under an overpass somewhere, selling week old oranges to the passersby.

Okay, so that may indeed happen, but in the meantime I’ve taken some steps to combat these issues which have plagued me, lo these many years. I share them with you in the hopes that we can grow together and learn from my many, many, oh-so-many mistakes. Here are Jason’s First Four Rules for the Interview Process :

1) Always act very friendly, and lean towards the fidgety/spastic mood during first impressions. This is the least harmful first impression I can make. People won’t hire you if they think you are angry all time or are more than likely a criminal. People will give you a chance if they think you’re insane, though. Never have figured out why. Maybe there’s a fine line between quirky and insane that one can carefully walk on occasion. Playing with something in your hands is good. Bodily ticks and nervous twitches are frowned on.

2) Never make a joke during a job interview. NEVER. I don’t care if they set you up perfectly and seem like a fun person, all buddy-buddy, and even make jokes of their own. Making anything resembling a funny remark is shorthand for “Please stare blankly at me, shuffle your papers around, take a deep breath, sigh heavily, and move on with two quick questions before ending the interview as fast as humanly possible.”

3) Try, as hard as possible, not to fall down during the interview. Additionally, do not knock anything over, run into anything, or fall out of your chair. It looks pretty unprofessional and it’s really hard to maintain a dignified façade when you trip over the doorframe, flailing your arms, and knock over the 4 foot tall plant on your way to shake a guy’s hand. Trust me on this one.

4) Actually answer questions when posed to you. Don’t mull it over in your mind, pinch up your face, go “oh, umm, err, uhhhh,” over and over again, trying to come up with an answer that sounds remotely sane, whilst engaging in an internal dialogue of “say something, what does he want, SAY SOMETHING, he’s staring, you’ve moved into the extremely awkward and overdrawn pause phase and you keep thinking and the pause is getting longer and just say something dammit hurry, he’s getting that ‘oh what have I gotten myself into’ look and I’m so screwed and wait crap say something hurry it up AHHH…” This tends to be viewed as very unprofessional.

So yeah.

In related news, I’m totally in job hunting mode right now. The search has thus far proved fruitless, but I now have an interview lined up for work in the dynamic world that is Target, the bull’s-eye retail megamart. I mean, that’s totally what you look for after spending 4 years getting a BS in computer science from a respectable university, no?

And people call me cynical. Ha!