Fall TV Roll Call

(Heads up note: I am in a cursing mood today. Blog is now officially rated R)

Woo, fall TV is upon us. And shit, son, things have gotten very real very quickly. Such a strong start to the season, with a lot of good new shows. I'm sure some of these will fall off over time, but right now I am stretched to the max. It's exciting! And it's a good thing I'm unemployed. So much TV time.

Monday

How I Met Your Mother - Y'all, I missed this show so much. And it came back pretty strong. It's weird how I can love a show and yet hate the characters involved so much. Ted's pretension and Lily's overbearing-ness is completely in character and utterly frustrating, but it's organic and natural. I feel like maybe there could be a break coming for me (when I can't deal with it anymore) but for now, it's like old friends who have annoying tics, but you still love hanging out with them because they're so much fun. Also: NPH was robbed at the Emmys. For real. How good was he doing the hosting? RAGE.

Accidentally on Purpose - Wow, we're going to give it a couple of episodes because it was a pilot and I do like Jenna Elfman, but seriously, not good at all. Cliched in the worst kind of way, and I'm sorry, but there were straight up problems with line delivery and landing punchlines. Very bush-league stuff starting out.

The Big Bang Theory - Most underwhelming return, as I had super high hopes, but still solid. A total waste of Laurie Metcalf (who is usually great), and what I thought was a terrible mis-read of character for Leonard. I mean, yes we know that Sheldon can be handful, but seriously: you sabotage a university grant and make a huge setback to your best friend's career and all you can do is try to get laid? Yes, yes, sitcom, I know. But still - we watch these shows for the characters, not the situations, dammit. Ugh, I'm over-complaining. It was actually pretty funny. Red cowboy hat, woo.

Castle - Trying out the second season. Kinda not-to-bad. We'll see how it goes. Damn, I love me some Nathan Fillion. Mostly forgettable, though. People tell me it grows on you.

Tuesday

Hells Kitchen - I get that it's basically a joke of a show, but it's strangely compelling. Editing is for shit, and they can really step on their own storylines without seeming to give a single damn, but I still tune in regardless. It reminds me of some of those mid-early seasons of Survivor, where nothing really happened episode to episode, but the seasons on the whole were compelling. Also, I'm a sucker for food shows lately.

Biggest Loser - Man, this show sucks me in so quickly. I'm already over the crying and the sob stories, which I am pretty sure will burn me out on the show before we hid mid-season, but the drama of the weight loss is higher than ever (mostly because these are some big folks they've got going this time round). Still - two hours every week? Overkill.

Wednesday

So You Think You Can Dance - That summer season was a delight. So far, all I'm coming away with from the fall is that I absolutely cannot watch the audition episodes of this show. They're a million times worse for me than the American Idol equivalents, and I hate those with a passion. I'll get back to you when they set the field.

Glee - I was on the fence for episode two (contrived, too quickly paced, and I wasn't on board with the music yet), but this last episode has me on the train for a while. I didn't mind the pace rush (it's a style), the jokes were solid, and the music was awesome. I'm not a huge fan of the direction the drama is taking, but I'll give it some space. Also, really impressed with some of the acting bits. Weird, considering I thought that was going to be the weak link, based on the pilot.

Modern Family - I was ready to write it off as good, but not appointment level TV, and then The Lion King bit happened. I laughed so hard that I think I pulled something. Seriously, that hit me out of nowhere and I went on one of those insane laughing jags that I sometimes get. Maybe it was just a one-time thing, but it's getting them a lot of goodwill. Also, setting an appointment to shoot your child: hilarious. "Sorry buddy, it's on the calendar."

Cougar Town - Okay, yes, it sounds terrible. But I really, really, really enjoyed it. Possibly the most out of all the sitcoms this week. I KNOW! Courtney Cox is a little shrill and overplaying a bit, but the supporting cast is so solid, particularly Busy Phillips(!) and the kid who plays her son. I'm definitely looking to see what the show has up its sleeve, and if it can keep up what seems like a weak premise.

Thursday

Flash Forward - As usual, I don't pick up a lot of new dramas, but this one definitely has me hooked. I like the acting a whole lot, I like the premise, and I love the immediate way they rolled into the real story. None of that "it's impossible" garbage - we are on the track and moving. Of course, it helps that they're doing that whole predestination/knowledge-of-the-future-to-change-it angle, which is something that I eat up with a spoon. I've got high, high hopes. Also, Dominic Monaghan!

Survivor - Wow, I don't think I've had that level of whiplash in a single episode in forever. Such an amazingly promising start (blind leader picking! blind task picking!) that almost immediately devolved into the Russell Show of Terribleness. I'm so over him that I didn't even need to make the hard DVR choice this week - Survivor got cut. I might pick it up occasionally to see how things go, but for now: OUT

Parks and Recreation - Y'all, they are keeping it up! That's three straight great episodes. Finding a real tone for Amy Poehler that isn't just a Michael Scott retread. Actual, hilarious jokes. Bright joining the main cast! That young people relationship explanation! I am so stoked for this show now.

The Office - A great opening episode (maybe the most I've laughed in a single episode since season 3) followed by a near tone-deaf second episode. So strange. Still always on board (I'm not going to doubt them anymore after the last season they worked up) but I'm a little wary. Andy has been the real highlight both episodes thus far though. That's weird.

Community - I've told most people I know: probably my favorite pilot I've seen in about 5 years. Second episode wasn't as great - they're obviously still trying to set a tone for the actress who plays Britta and Joel McHale to work with, but still very solid. I'm loving Thursdays this year. (Also, the kid who plays Abed is rapidly approaching a treasured status for me.)

Project Runway - Ah, my old friend. It's about damn time. Doesn't seem to have suffered much at all with the TV and production company change. And they've got a good cast this year. So far though, it's been kinda rough, because the judging has been all over the map. On occasion I have disagreed with the exact winner and loser, but I've straight up thought that the winning piece should have gone home a couple of times this season. Also, very little Michael Koors and Nina Garcia, which I didn't think I needed until they weren't there. Still great TV, just weird.

(Awards span two weeks this one time)
Best Episode of the Week:
The Office - Gossip
(And Lord help me) Cougar Town - Pilot

Best Line of the Week:
Parks and Recreation - April (explaining her relationship): "Derek is gay but he's straight for me but he's gay for Ben and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben. It's not that complicated"

Runner Up:
The Office - Michael: "If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm going to start screaming."

Best Moment of the Week:
Modern Family - The Lion King baby reveal

Most Disappointing:
The Big Bang Theory - Why an asshole, Leonard?

Most Anticipated:
Amazing Race season premiere on Sunday!

Fall = TV Time, Y'all

That's right! You think it's a coincidence that the blog restart happened right as the Fall TV season started back up? Oh you poor, naive blog reader. I need mindless content, and I need it now.

But I'm mixing it up a little - rather than plan out my whole schedule in advance, I'm watching everything for a week or two, and then I'm gonna present the updated rundown, so as not to even pretend-blog-commit to something terrible and then get stuck with the residual DVR guilt that accompanies an unwatched show.

So instead, let's do a rewind to last season and I'll give Emmy predictions! Because I live for award shows that aren't on MTV.

Hold on to your hats!

Lead Actor (Comedy):
Steve Carell, The Office
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Jemaine Clement, Flight Of The Conchords
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men

Who should win: Knock-down, drag-out fight between Steve Carell and Alec Baldwin, who consistently vie for funniest person on TV every week. I think in this case I'd give it to Steve Carell, since he made huge stretches of an uneven Office season go from 'bearable' to 'hilarious.'

Who I'd like to win: Jim Parsons, because he's turned one of the worst things ever created as a sitcom into something that is genuinely funny. If everyone were forced to watch the best episode of the season for each actor on the list and vote for the funniest one, I feel pretty confident that he would have a decent chance of winning if they used the Gift Basket episode. Possibly the funniest bit of physical acting I have seen since Alec Baldwin's therapy session last year.

Who will win: Alec Baldwin, because 30 Rock smells like a near-sweep to me.

Lead Actress (Comedy):
Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures Of Old Christine
Toni Collette, United States Of Tara Showtime
Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Who should win: I think I'm biased here, but Tina Fey did have the strongest season here. Although I finally caught up on Weeds, and holy crap, Mary-Louise Parker did some all-caps ACTING this season. I might say you should give it to her for pulling that stuff off.

Who I'd like to win: Surprisingly, I think I like every nominee here. Even Sarah Silverman I could live with, even if she's not my cup of tea. If forced to pick one though, I go nostalgic and say Christina Applegate, since we're not getting any more of her show, and she's really great in it.

Who will win: Again, I feel Tina Fey and 30 Rock like a freight train. But I would not be bowled over by a Parker or Collette win - one for ACTING and one for a movie actress slumming it on pay cable.

Lead Actor (Drama):
Hugh Laurie, House
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Simon Baker, The Mentalist
Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Who should win/Who I'd like to win: Uh, is this where I admit that I don't watch high profile dramas on TV anymore? Because with the exception of ubiquitous House, I've never seen an episode of any one of these shows. But I'll say Jon Hamm, because he's the prettiest, and was so funny on 30 Rock.

Who will win: Bryan Cranston won last year, right? The Emmy's like consistency, but then again everyone said Jon Hamm got robbed last year. I'll double up my foolish bets and say Hamm.

Lead Actress (Drama):
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Holly Hunter, Saving Grace
Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Glenn Close, Damages

Who should win: Mariska Hargitay has been chewing scenery for at least 3 seasons, I physically loathe Sedgwick's acting tics on her show, and Sally Field is saddled with some terrible, terrible lines on her show that's gone awry in a serious way. That leaves Holly Hunter (who I love but do not watch her show), Elisabeth Moss (who I do not know), and Glenn Close (who is a cobra and I love). So...Moss? Everyone loves the Mad Men. Why am I doing this if I don't watch TV?

Who I'd like to win: Glenn Close. Watching her in Damages is like riding a roller coaster, where you're not sure if the ride owner is going to stab you in the eye at some point. But in a good way.

Who will win: I think this one is a straight toss up - none of them would surprise me (except maybe Sedgwick, and even then not really). I'll stick with my earlier assertion and say that Moss is going to sneak out a win, since Mad Men has some momentum and there's no one around to split the votes.

Comedy Series:
Entourage
Weeds
How I Met Your Mother
Flight Of The Conchords
30 Rock
The Office
Family Guy

Who should win: It's too bad that 30 Rock is so terribly great right now. Because if you dropped them from the list, I would almost have to tear my hair out to pick a single winner. But yeah, it's too easy.

Who I'd like to win: How I Met Your Mother is getting a make-up nomination - in their second season I would have easily given it to them, but now, not so much. Weeds, as previously described has gotten crazy good. The Office was uneven but is on a roll lately. But Flight of the Conchords owns a little piece of my heart, and how awesome would it be if they won? So awesome.

Who will win: 30 Rock. Unstoppable, I think.

Drama Series:
Big Love
Dexter
House
Damages
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Lost

Who should win: Hell if I know. This is me throwing up my hands.

Who I'd like to win: Lost! Crazy-ass, confusing-as-hell, I-want-to-blow-up-an-island-so-I-can-make-it-with-the-criminal-chick, Lost. So much fun. Also, Damages would be acceptable, even if it wasn't as good as the first season.

Who will win: Mad Men, right? That's the new hotness, yes? Maybe I should go out on a limb, but I don't think so.

Reality Series:
Top Chef
Project Runway
The Amazing Race
Dancing With The Stars
American Idol

Who should win: Oh, shit, now we get down to it. Project Runway probably had the best season overall, I think. But Amazing Race had some downright amazing episodes, if not the best finale. American Idol was interesting, but it's a trifle compared with the rest. Yeah, I think I have to go with Project Runway.

Who I'd like to win: Project Runway is probably my favorite of the bunch as well. Although I wouldn't mind continuing domination by The Amazing Race. Shit is solid. Also had the cheese rolling down the hill challenge. Man, I'm torn.

Who will win: I would usually say that you don't mess with streaks, but I'm thinking this is the end of the line, what with all the press that Project Runway got switching networks. Project Runway with the upset.

Supporting Actor (Comedy):
Kevin Dillon, Entourage
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men
Rainn Wilson, The Office
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock
Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock

Who should win/Who I'd like to win/Who will win: For the love of all things good, holy, and homosexual, please let NPH finally win this award like he should have the last three years running.

Not that I don't love me some Tracy Morgan, but seriously. Just do it.

Supporting Actor (Drama):
William Shatner, Boston Legal
Michael Emerson, Lost
William Hurt, Damages
Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
John Slattery, Mad Men

Who should win: Again, I still don't watch a lot of drama, but of the ones I watch, William Hurt was actually a pretty weak link in Damages, and Michael Emerson was the best part of Lost. So I'll go with him, attaching a huge old caveat to the determination.

Who I'd like to win: Emerson, or Shatner, because really, I can't hate the Shat, even if he's been a dick lately. Remember when he made that awesome album with Ben Folds? God, I love that album.

Who will win: Because it's usually the one I least expect in this category, I'm going with Aaron Paul in Breaking Bad, because I've never heard of him before.

Supporting Actress (Comedy):
Kristin Chenoweth, Pushing Daisies
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live

Who should win: Talk about a stacked category - I literally love every single performance nominated here. Chenoweth is probably the best, but was the least seen. Krakowski did the most with the least. Williams is the least appreciated for what she does. Perkins might actually be the best thing in a show full of a lot of great things. It's so hard to decide. I guess Chenoweth is who I'm going with here, based just on merit.

Who I'd like to win: I'm crazy biased again, but Jenna is my favorite character on 30 Rock, and I love Jane Krakowski in a very deep and personal way. "I would have gone, but the boat I was educated on sank." There is no way I'm not rooting for her.

Who will win: Your guess is as good as mine. I'd like to invoke the 30 Rock train again, but I'm not feeling it in the supporting categories. I'm going out on a limb and give it to Vanessa Williams in a crazy, vote-splitting upset.

Supporting Actress (Drama):
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
Rose Byrne, Damages
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
Dianne Wiest, In Treatment
Hope Davis, In Treatment
Cherry Jones, 24

Who should win: First of all, 24 is still on the air? What? Also, what on earth is In Treatment? This category is eating my soul. I'm just going to say Sandra Oh, because odds are that if she's involved in it, she deserves the award for being the best at it.

Who I'd like to win: I have a spot right here in my heart for Rose Byrne, and while she is regularly steam rolled by the juggernaut that is Glenn Close, she almost holds her own on occasion. I'd love to see her pick this up.

Who will win: I don't know why, but I'm really feeling Dianne Wiest here. She's ostensibly the most famous one on the list, right? And I did love her for those 5 minutes she was on Law & Order.

Other Random Notes:

• What the hell is up with those writing categories? 4 nominees in both comedy and drama from the same show? That's a mess. (And in 30 Rock's case, two of the four are pretty bad episodes)
• How excited am I that Wizards of Waverly Place won Best Kids Program? Very excited. I love that show unashamedly.
  
• I really hope Phil Keoghan wins Best Reality Show Host. He's my favorite, even though he does those ridiculous fake-out team placement announcements all the time. His eyebrows are the best thing on CBS.
  

Aaaand lord that was a long list. Tune in next week when I go over the new Fall schedule and try to write something that isn't utterly, utterly boring.

Somewhere the Truck of Malfunction is Laughing Bitterly

Okay, so my trials with the Truck of Malfunction (TOM) are extensively documented. And while I loved the little guy like a bastard son, I wasn't exactly torn to bits by replacing him with the new hotness that was my Jaguar a couple of years back. Even though I knew that Jaguars were notorious for having excessive mechanical issues, I thought that maybe the 10 years of good-will karma I built up from owning a vehicle that averaged a new broken thing once every 2 weeks for an entire decade would offset brand superstitions.

On the whole, I think I've been pretty fortunate on that front, thus far. I know there was that terrible battery replacement issue and the resulting demonic possession incident. And there was that thing about a year ago when I had to replace the entire water pump system when it started spewing anti-freeze like that kid in The Exorcist. And then there were the two times this year that the car was hit while parked somewhere... Okay, so maybe not fortunate. But compared to the TOM, I was in a good place, mentally.

Then, about 2 months ago, the cruise control in my car stopped working. Every time I hit the start button, the cruise control would light up for 0.5 seconds, and then immediately cancel out. This was an intense blow to my car love, as the cruise control was probably the one thing that most improved my driving lifestyle from the TOM, excepting air conditioning in the summer. But at the same time, I was pretty poor and it's something of an extravagance. So it wasn't like I could justify going to the (crazy expensive) Jag mechanic just to have the luxury of not holding the gas pedal down all the time.

So I adapted, and only complained bitterly for 2 weeks about the strain that was having to constantly utilize my foot to drive.

Fast-forward to last week, when our dear friend from the north, Jim, was down visiting. At one point we decided to go somewhere but took two cars, as some of us were splitting off in different directions afterward. I, being the one who lived in Dallas full-time and ostensibly knew where we were going, did the leading. Upon arrival, the people from the following car asked "Did you know that your brake lights are on? Like, ALL the time?"

And suddenly the broken cruise control made a lot more sense. Since that's how you turn off the CC, by hitting the brakes. If the brakes always think they're on, the cruise control is never going to engage. That was a nice revelation for about 30 seconds, until I realized that I'd been driving for over 2 months with my brake lights on at all times, without ever noticing.

Combining the facts that I am now unemployed (and thus definitely don't have the money on hand to be fixing cars) and that I had gone this long without any serious problems, I decided that fixing the problem was going to be a relatively low priority on my list of Things That Gots To Be Done. Only now every time I got in the car it was all I could think about. I started realizing the huge margin of error that cars around me were always giving me. And every time I approached a red light, I immediately braced for rear impact. Within 5 days, I was reaching for the antacids at the same time that I went for my keys.

I decided that this would not stand, and I vowed to fix the problem myself, or at least I would poke around and see if I could identify where the problem originated. Per my dad, the problem was in the brake pedal sensor, which should be somewhere near the pedal itself, and would probably be in plain view. I was all about that, and right after hanging up the phone I was jazzed to get home and start doing mechanical type things.

I was so excited, in fact, that at the next stoplight, I tried feeling around below the steering wheel to see if I could trace the path of the brake pedal to its natural end. Within 5 seconds of exploring, I found a wire hanging loose down there, which led to a small plastic box just dangling out in space. Carefully feeling all over it, I determined that I had no idea what it was, but it did have a little plunger button on the side.

"Maybe it's a bomb," I thought.

Then I pushed the button.

"Wait, why did I push the button if I thought it was a bomb?" I immediately questioned myself. But it was far too late for recriminations.

The result was not a fiery explosion, only a vague *thump* from somewhere within the bowels of the car. But nothing visible happened. I decided that my not getting exploded was tempting fate enough, and waited until I got home to do any more experimentation.

At home, I wedged myself into the space below the steering wheel and started applying my (naturally giant) brain to the problem at hand - namely, what the hell was that thing and where should it go? Also, did it have anything to do with the brake problem?

The second part was easier to determine - it totally did, as pushing down that little button made the brake lights go off. I had made real progress, and the feeling of mechanical accomplishment was a heady thing indeed.

Next, where did it go? Following the brake line, I found a little hole on the mounting that was very similar in shape to the button casing. I was practically giddy at that point, but still managed to insert the little box without anything catching on fire or getting any part of my body electrocuted. I even figured out how to turn it to lock it in place.

At that point I was ready to anoint myself God of Mechanical Repairs. But then when I tested out the brakes, they always still stayed on. Unless I physically lifted the pedal myself from its normal resting place to engage the little button. No manner of changes I made could get it working. I was devastated enough that I wanted to cry.

But I was God of Mechanical Repairs, dammit! I would overcome.

So I went into the house for supplies. I returned shortly, holding two things: a nickle, and a roll of Scotch tape. By attaching a nickle to the brake pedal arm right where the button was supposed to touch, the circuit was made without having to even use a screwdriver.

All following tests were complete successes.

So maybe I'm just the Low-Rent God of Mechanical Repairs using Non-Traditional Household Items.

I can live with that, as long as I have my cruise control back.

God bless the nickel. Best use of five cents ever.