Democracy

(Subtitle: Proof That It Doesn’t Work)

[The scene: Saturday night in the dorms. Frank, Jason and Sean have just returned to the room. Mark and Eric are at their respective computers. It is decided that everyone will watch a movie to waste the rest of the night. Everything is going great, or so it would seem.]

Jason: So what’re we gonna watch?

Frank: I don’t know, what do we got?

[Sigh. Jason reads off the name of every movie in the room.]

Frank: . . .

Jason: So? What are we gonna watch?

Sean: I don’t care, someone pick something.

Jason: How about The Italian Job? I still haven’t seen that.

Sean: Me either.

Jason: Sweet.

[Goes to put it in.]

Mark: No, I want to watch Transformers – The Movie!

Jason: Shut up, we’re not watching it.

Mark: Why?!

Jason: Because it sucks.

Mark: It has Orson Wells. It can’t suck.

Jason: Read closer. Orson Wells as Unicron. Suck.

Mark: Whatever.

Eric: Turtles in Space!!!

Jason: Excuse me?

Eric: I vote for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Space.

Sean: Is that even real?

Mark [rummages through his desk]: Yeah it is.

Jason: Sigh. Fine. Since we all can’t decide on a choice, we’ll have a vote. In traditional Democratic and Survivor style, the movie that gets the most votes will win so get your alliances ready now. You have 2 minutes until poll time.

[Various levels of deal making occur. A seemingly strong alliance is formed between Jason and Frank for The Italian Job. Sean wishes to please everyone and is pained to commit anywhere. Eric continues his strange obsession with Turtles in Space. Mark keeps pushing Transformers: “Leonard Nimoy! When has he ever made a bad movie?”]

Jason: Two minutes up! Commence with the voting.

[He rips up an index card into strips and hands out the ballots. After a few seconds, he collects the votes in The Red Cup of Judgment.]

Jason: I will now read the votes aloud. Whichever movie gets the most votes is automatically the winner, no matter what.

Eric: You have to read them out loud exactly as they’re written.

Jason: Sigh. Whatever. Fine. Vote #1: "Turtles in Space, George Bush sucks." Okaaaay. Vote #2: "The Italian Job." Vote #3: "Transformers." Quite the dead heat, we’ve got here. Vote #4: ...goddamn it.

Sean: What?

Frank: [giggles like a teenage girl.]

Jason: Vote #4: "Jason is a fugly hoe." Sigh. Okay, so that’s one vote for Turtles, one for Italian Job, one for Transformers, and one for Jason is a Fugly Hoe. Siiiiigh. Guess it all comes down to this last vote.

[Pause to build anticipation.]

Jason: The Fifth and Final Vote is: "Italian Transformers?!"

Sean: Can’t we all just get along?

Jason: Damn it! That’s it! Democracy sucks. We’re a dictatorship now. It’s my TV, my room, we’re watching The Italian Job. I will destroy all opposition. Any questions? Good. Lets get to getting.

[Thus, the decision was made. And the movie wasn’t too bad, although almost painfully predicable and contained no shirtless Mark Walberg, which was a shame, seeing as I thought he was contractually obligated to do at least one scene without his shirt per movie.]

Anyway, what can we take from this object lesson? Democracy is futile, because your average voter either: is nostalgic for their past and votes for safe choices, is afraid of offending anyone and becomes indecisive, has the mental maturity of a 16 year old girl, or becomes jaded and cynical during the whole process and plots to overthrow the resulting government.

Damn, I should totally teach political science.