Fall Back into Television (Week Hiatus)

And lo, there came a week in which Jason watched no TV, and instead ate an entire turkey, 2 pounds of stuffing, and several pies.

Thus, there was no week in television to review.

And it was good.

Independence (from Cholesterol) Day

"Is two pounds of hamburger enough? I only have one pound of sausage and one pound of boudain - that's just four pounds of meat total."

"You do understand that you're the only person eating, right?"

"Well yeah. ...So, four pounds is enough?"

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I don't remember when it became a tradition, but for the past several Fourth of July Holidays, rather than going out and visiting family and friends, getting drunk, watching fireworks, or whatever other publicly endorsed forms of celebration most people engage in, I just eat. A lot.

Which, come to think about it, since this is America - The Land of the Double Cheeseburger, this may in fact be an acceptable undertaking for a country celebration. Until we get to the point where I'm having the above conversation in the Meats Aisle of the grocery store. When I say that I eat a lot, it's an understatement simply because the truth of the matter is frankly horrifying.

What I did this weekend:

1. Arrive at Grocery Store
2. Acquire Shopping Cart
3. Wander down Aisle #1
4. Place anything that looks remotely good in your cart
5. Repeat steps #3 & #4 for every aisle in the store
6. Check out

The only limitation on the above steps is that the total cost should not exceed $100.00. For a single person's meal. For one (albeit very long) day.

I ended up with: the aforementioned two pounds of hamburger, a pound of sausage, a pound of boudain, chips (var. types), Oreos, soft drinks, guacamole, dip, salsa, ice cream, fresh cherries, beef jerky, canned fruit, baked beans, multiple types of bread, condiments, onions, tomatoes, frozen appetizers, and candy (var. types).

But wait. Things that I forgot to pick up and will need to find before Wednesday: french fries, cheese (var. types), potato salad, crab salad, and pie (var. types). Also, I'm considering picking up a steak for dinner, just for completeness's sake.

See, now it looks like an overstatement. But no, I will actually eat all of that, or as much of it as possibly before I reach the point where I am unable to move under my own power. Basically my day will boil down to nothing but eating from 11:00am to 11:00pm. Usually this is accompanied by a Law & Order marathon on TNT, or perhaps the whole Lord of the Rings Trilogy on DVD. It's my one day of pure gluttony/sloth in the whole year. Pretty much just imagine that scene from Return of the Jedi with Jabba the Hutt, except fewer scantily clad women and more Jerry Orbach.

Usually it's quite the undertaking anyway, but this year is especially damning considering that I have been pretty much cholesterol free for 3 months. With the proposed level of fat intake, I firmly plan on stroking out right around 8:00 that night, just as the fireworks begin. But it will be entirely worth it, as there are very few things as fulfilling as purely hedonistic eating. If you never hear from me again, assume that I died doing the thing I loved most in the world - slamming down some pie.

Happy 4th of July everyone!

Guilty Pleasures

I love me some pie.

Most everyone knows this. Pretty much any type of pie will do: cherry, blueberry, buttermilk, chocolate, pecan, pumpkin...okay I'll stop because I'm sort of drooling now. When I was in my college days I used to keep a whole pie at my desk for a week at a time while I slowly whittled it away into nothing, to the utter horror of my crazy germophobic roommates. I may even have in my possession a T-shirt that was personally made for me that says "Pie Whore." Because I will do pretty much anything for a good piece of pie.

Currently my favorite pie (excluding ones made by my mom, because come on) is the single serving slices of Lemon Meringue Pie they sell at Chick-fil-A. It's some of the most perfect pie in the world, all sweet graham crackery crust with real lemony filling, an obscene amount of whipped meringue topping AND two fresh vanilla wafers.

I'll just go ahead and say it: Anyone who is not craving pie after that description is a Communist. Or a zombie. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

Anyways, so that was what I had for lunch, a slice of pie from Chick-fil-A, because I am very, very, very poor right now and a slice of pie is filling and nutritious and costs less than $1.50. I ran through the drive thru, because I had some work to take care of back at the office, and brought my delicious pie to my desk to enjoy at my leisure. And it was delicious in a very literal sense.

So good, in fact, that I may have gotten a little overzealous in my pie consumption. Uh...to the point that I may have licked clean the little plastic container that it came in.

What? It was really good.

And yeah, in any case I wasn't so much concentrating on the pie eating, I just remember that it was awfully good.

Unfortunately, my entire office apparently knows exactly how good it was too, since I had to run a bunch of things up and down between my office and the mail room this afternoon, and did so without the knowledge that I had a good portion of that delicious meringue hanging off the tip of my nose. Because that's how I roll: like a dog that snuck some food off the dining room table.

I learned this fact approximately 45 minutes after I finished eating, when I happened to catch my reflection in the shiny door of the elevator. People in my office are awesome. And by 'awesome' I mean 'bitches.'

So, yeah. Rock on.