Belligerent and Numerous

Let the List Avalance Begin (Movies)

2009-12-28T21:31:00.003-06:00

In what has become basically the last of my kept blogging traditions, I present my annual round-up of new movies that I watched this year. As always, everything is arbitrarily ranked in numerical order from least to most enjoyed. This year I had to cut down the categories, as I watched way less movies than normal, but also liked waaaay more than I usually do.

Movies that I Hated Beyond All Rational Measure:
24. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (also known as man's greatest crime against art in at least 24 months)

Movies that I Liked:
23. Confessions of a Shopaholic (seriously y'all, one disliked movie. It was a good year)
22. Fired Up
21. Monsters Vs. Aliens
20. Sunshine Cleaning (you'd think all the good acting would have saved this movie from such a low fate, but no)
19. Push
18. 9
17. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (I cannot begin to decide where to put this movie)
16. I Love You, Man

Movies that were Great:
15. Precious (Yes, the acting is phenomenal. It's also the most depressing thing I've ever seen and have no desire to ever revisit it again)
14. Julie & Julia
13. The Informant! (Another movie too hard to rank well. It was hilarious and interesting, but really all I remember is the soundtrack)
12. Watchmen
11. Zombieland
10. Coraline
9. 17 Again (How is this movie ranked so high in my mind? It is a mystery)

Movies that were Excellent:
8. The Hangover (Seriously, maybe one of the funniest straight comedies I've seen in ages)
7. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
6. Up (Have I mentioned that this movie made me cry 4 times? No, really, 4)
5. District 9
4. Star Trek
3. Adventureland (I can't remember if I wrote this one up, but man I loooved this movie. Kristen Stewart represent!)
2. Paranormal Activity (Scariest damn movie I've seen since The Ring)
1. (500) Days of Summer

So what did we learn from this list? Absolutely nothing, except that it has spurred me to reactivate my Netflix/Blockbuster membership because there were so many movies I wanted to see this year that I missed.

Next up: Booklist!

Stories

2009-11-29T22:43:00.003-06:00

I miss writing. Not in a serious way, or a compelling one. Just in a "man I used to really like doing that" sort of way. Kinda how I miss playing badminton. It's a vague and ill-defined itch in the back of my mind. Unlike badminton, though, I can do something about it without getting up off the couch. So let's get on with some stories.

Where I've Been (Sappy Life Update)

So I found a new job. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not, and I'll be damned if I'll actually go back and read things I've written before. Always forward, never back. But, yeah, so I'm gainfully employed again after a 2 month hiatus. In the end, it worked out ideally - I moved out of a bad job situation and into a really great one in the same field, with very little downtime It's a better situation all around, and I'm actually on a real career path instead of just running in place like before. Combine that with the fact that I took some much needed time during the forced sabbatical to get my head on straight and my body back into shape, and everything seems to be in a really positive place. This sounds queer as hell, but I'm incredibly happy with my life right now. I know, shocking, right?

What I've Been Doing (Technology Whore)

So as a reward for finding a new and better paying job, I finally broke down and bought a new laptop. I know it's an extravagance in the extreme... but just wait for the rest of this post. I can defend it a little bit - my desktop computer has become this Frankenstein Monster of various cobbled-parts that don't even fit into its tower. Wires, cables, random boxes, and fans spill out of it like the remnants of an incendiary explosion gone wrong. And even in its make-shift upgraded state, it continues to run slower and slower. The laptop is sleek, pretty, runs twice as fast as the desktop, and I can do things like type on it while lying on the couch watching football and yelling at my roommate to bring me more turkey while he's up. (Not that I'm necessarily doing that right now, no sir).

But yeah, so if you think it's extravagant to go out and get a laptop right after a two month unemployment stint, you'll love this part - last week as a late birthday present to myself, I bought an iPhone. There's no defending that one - owning an iPhone is equivalent to the worst excesses of the Roman empire. I feel so much like Hedonism Bot from Futurama that it's uncanny ("I regret nothing!").

Seriously, though, it's awesome. Instant access to email, facebook, AIM, grouped texts, decent camera, a 32 gig iPod built in, you might as well just hook it to my veins. When you add in the google maps function so I never get lost anymore and the fact that I can play Katamari Damacy anywhere anytime now, I might as well have died and gone to gay-white-nerd heaven.

What I've Been Listening To (Music Snob Section)

November was a good month for concerts. I went to see Regina Spektor at Nokia as my real birthday present to myself and it was life-affirming as usual. I think it's so crazy how big she's gotten lately - I still remember when she was at the Gypsy Tea Room, and now she's filling up huge venues. But it was an awesome show - she played the best stuff off the new album Far, plus an amazing version of Ode to Divorce, a near show-stopping version of Silly Eye-Color Generalizations and ended the show with her country song Love You're a Whore (something that I've been dying to see in person). Basically, she continues to complete me in ways that are utterly undefinable. Or to put it in terms of Roommate Jim "I have never seen you look gayer than when you're smiling at a Regina Spektor concert." Which, while a hate crime, is technically accurate.

I also went to see Imogen Heap at the Granada approximately 4 days following the Regina concert and it was similarly awesome. It wasn't exactly polished - there were several extended technical delays and her voice (while always awesome) was obviously suffering from multi back-to-back concert nights. That said, there were some amazing bits - a truly awesome rendition of Bad Body Double, an unbelievably chilling version of The Moment I Said It, and a really unique and fun take on Just For Now. And as far as old school ambiance goes, you really can't beat the Granada. Even though the show was sold out, the crowd was super cool and really into the show. Bravo all around.

Short Stories That Make You Wonder (I'm Too Lazy for Proper Posts)

I got a new roommate. Roommate Frank has run off to greener pastures where there are dogs that he can play with, and floors that don't randomly shift their planes for their own amusement. In his stead we introduce Roommate Jim, who's already been heavily featured in stories around here, just not while co-habitating. It's a pretty sweet setup, in that we are basically the straight/gay versions of each other. It's all video games, sports, and minor drinking adventures all the time nowadays. He keeps me honest and less hermit-like than I would normally be in such times, so it's a good thing.

My birthday was aging, but super fun. I managed to go out three separate times (in true Birthday Week fashion) and never got overly drunk. Good conversation, good venues, and good drinks. Is it possible that I'm growing up and can actually celebrate in moderation? Let's just assume this is an aberration, not a sign of things to come. We'll see how Gingerbread Party goes next month as the real indicator.

Thanksgiving was short (low-man on the totem pole at the new office means working on the day after) but I still managed to partake in enough of my family's delicious meal in the 10 hours I was home that I will probably never be the same shape again. (Also contributing to that shape: the literal 10 pounds of leftovers that my mom gave to me on the way out the door. Seriously, I'm going to be a pear before the new year). I brought Roommate Jim back with me to the homestead, and I'm pretty sure that no parties were permanently scarred from the event, which is all I was hoping for, frankly. To quote a great man: No one got shot, no one got outed. I'll take it.

Fall TV Roll Call

2009-09-25T01:13:00.003-05:00

(Heads up note: I am in a cursing mood today. Blog is now officially rated R)

Woo, fall TV is upon us. And shit, son, things have gotten very real very quickly. Such a strong start to the season, with a lot of good new shows. I'm sure some of these will fall off over time, but right now I am stretched to the max. It's exciting! And it's a good thing I'm unemployed. So much TV time.

Monday

How I Met Your Mother - Y'all, I missed this show so much. And it came back pretty strong. It's weird how I can love a show and yet hate the characters involved so much. Ted's pretension and Lily's overbearing-ness is completely in character and utterly frustrating, but it's organic and natural. I feel like maybe there could be a break coming for me (when I can't deal with it anymore) but for now, it's like old friends who have annoying tics, but you still love hanging out with them because they're so much fun. Also: NPH was robbed at the Emmys. For real. How good was he doing the hosting? RAGE.

Accidentally on Purpose - Wow, we're going to give it a couple of episodes because it was a pilot and I do like Jenna Elfman, but seriously, not good at all. Cliched in the worst kind of way, and I'm sorry, but there were straight up problems with line delivery and landing punchlines. Very bush-league stuff starting out.

The Big Bang Theory - Most underwhelming return, as I had super high hopes, but still solid. A total waste of Laurie Metcalf (who is usually great), and what I thought was a terrible mis-read of character for Leonard. I mean, yes we know that Sheldon can be handful, but seriously: you sabotage a university grant and make a huge setback to your best friend's career and all you can do is try to get laid? Yes, yes, sitcom, I know. But still - we watch these shows for the characters, not the situations, dammit. Ugh, I'm over-complaining. It was actually pretty funny. Red cowboy hat, woo.

Castle - Trying out the second season. Kinda not-to-bad. We'll see how it goes. Damn, I love me some Nathan Fillion. Mostly forgettable, though. People tell me it grows on you.

Tuesday

Hells Kitchen - I get that it's basically a joke of a show, but it's strangely compelling. Editing is for shit, and they can really step on their own storylines without seeming to give a single damn, but I still tune in regardless. It reminds me of some of those mid-early seasons of Survivor, where nothing really happened episode to episode, but the seasons on the whole were compelling. Also, I'm a sucker for food shows lately.

Biggest Loser - Man, this show sucks me in so quickly. I'm already over the crying and the sob stories, which I am pretty sure will burn me out on the show before we hid mid-season, but the drama of the weight loss is higher than ever (mostly because these are some big folks they've got going this time round). Still - two hours every week? Overkill.

Wednesday

So You Think You Can Dance - That summer season was a delight. So far, all I'm coming away with from the fall is that I absolutely cannot watch the audition episodes of this show. They're a million times worse for me than the American Idol equivalents, and I hate those with a passion. I'll get back to you when they set the field.

Glee - I was on the fence for episode two (contrived, too quickly paced, and I wasn't on board with the music yet), but this last episode has me on the train for a while. I didn't mind the pace rush (it's a style), the jokes were solid, and the music was awesome. I'm not a huge fan of the direction the drama is taking, but I'll give it some space. Also, really impressed with some of the acting bits. Weird, considering I thought that was going to be the weak link, based on the pilot.

Modern Family - I was ready to write it off as good, but not appointment level TV, and then The Lion King bit happened. I laughed so hard that I think I pulled something. Seriously, that hit me out of nowhere and I went on one of those insane laughing jags that I sometimes get. Maybe it was just a one-time thing, but it's getting them a lot of goodwill. Also, setting an appointment to shoot your child: hilarious. "Sorry buddy, it's on the calendar."

Cougar Town - Okay, yes, it sounds terrible. But I really, really, really enjoyed it. Possibly the most out of all the sitcoms this week. I KNOW! Courtney Cox is a little shrill and overplaying a bit, but the supporting cast is so solid, particularly Busy Phillips(!) and the kid who plays her son. I'm definitely looking to see what the show has up its sleeve, and if it can keep up what seems like a weak premise.

Thursday

Flash Forward - As usual, I don't pick up a lot of new dramas, but this one definitely has me hooked. I like the acting a whole lot, I like the premise, and I love the immediate way they rolled into the real story. None of that "it's impossible" garbage - we are on the track and moving. Of course, it helps that they're doing that whole predestination/knowledge-of-the-future-to-change-it angle, which is something that I eat up with a spoon. I've got high, high hopes. Also, Dominic Monaghan!

Survivor - Wow, I don't think I've had that level of whiplash in a single episode in forever. Such an amazingly promising start (blind leader picking! blind task picking!) that almost immediately devolved into the Russell Show of Terribleness. I'm so over him that I didn't even need to make the hard DVR choice this week - Survivor got cut. I might pick it up occasionally to see how things go, but for now: OUT

Parks and Recreation - Y'all, they are keeping it up! That's three straight great episodes. Finding a real tone for Amy Poehler that isn't just a Michael Scott retread. Actual, hilarious jokes. Bright joining the main cast! That young people relationship explanation! I am so stoked for this show now.

The Office - A great opening episode (maybe the most I've laughed in a single episode since season 3) followed by a near tone-deaf second episode. So strange. Still always on board (I'm not going to doubt them anymore after the last season they worked up) but I'm a little wary. Andy has been the real highlight both episodes thus far though. That's weird.

Community - I've told most people I know: probably my favorite pilot I've seen in about 5 years. Second episode wasn't as great - they're obviously still trying to set a tone for the actress who plays Britta and Joel McHale to work with, but still very solid. I'm loving Thursdays this year. (Also, the kid who plays Abed is rapidly approaching a treasured status for me.)

Project Runway - Ah, my old friend. It's about damn time. Doesn't seem to have suffered much at all with the TV and production company change. And they've got a good cast this year. So far though, it's been kinda rough, because the judging has been all over the map. On occasion I have disagreed with the exact winner and loser, but I've straight up thought that the winning piece should have gone home a couple of times this season. Also, very little Michael Koors and Nina Garcia, which I didn't think I needed until they weren't there. Still great TV, just weird.

(Awards span two weeks this one time)
Best Episode of the Week:
The Office - Gossip
(And Lord help me) Cougar Town - Pilot

Best Line of the Week:
Parks and Recreation - April (explaining her relationship): "Derek is gay but he's straight for me but he's gay for Ben and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben. It's not that complicated"

Runner Up:
The Office - Michael: "If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm going to start screaming."

Best Moment of the Week:
Modern Family - The Lion King baby reveal

Most Disappointing:
The Big Bang Theory - Why an asshole, Leonard?

Most Anticipated:
Amazing Race season premiere on Sunday!

Fall = TV Time, Y'all

2009-09-18T16:30:00.003-05:00

That's right! You think it's a coincidence that the blog restart happened right as the Fall TV season started back up? Oh you poor, naive blog reader. I need mindless content, and I need it now.

But I'm mixing it up a little - rather than plan out my whole schedule in advance, I'm watching everything for a week or two, and then I'm gonna present the updated rundown, so as not to even pretend-blog-commit to something terrible and then get stuck with the residual DVR guilt that accompanies an unwatched show.

So instead, let's do a rewind to last season and I'll give Emmy predictions! Because I live for award shows that aren't on MTV.

Hold on to your hats!

Lead Actor (Comedy):
Steve Carell, The Office
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Jemaine Clement, Flight Of The Conchords
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men

Who should win: Knock-down, drag-out fight between Steve Carell and Alec Baldwin, who consistently vie for funniest person on TV every week. I think in this case I'd give it to Steve Carell, since he made huge stretches of an uneven Office season go from 'bearable' to 'hilarious.'

Who I'd like to win: Jim Parsons, because he's turned one of the worst things ever created as a sitcom into something that is genuinely funny. If everyone were forced to watch the best episode of the season for each actor on the list and vote for the funniest one, I feel pretty confident that he would have a decent chance of winning if they used the Gift Basket episode. Possibly the funniest bit of physical acting I have seen since Alec Baldwin's therapy session last year.

Who will win: Alec Baldwin, because 30 Rock smells like a near-sweep to me.

Lead Actress (Comedy):
Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures Of Old Christine
Toni Collette, United States Of Tara Showtime
Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Who should win: I think I'm biased here, but Tina Fey did have the strongest season here. Although I finally caught up on Weeds, and holy crap, Mary-Louise Parker did some all-caps ACTING this season. I might say you should give it to her for pulling that stuff off.

Who I'd like to win: Surprisingly, I think I like every nominee here. Even Sarah Silverman I could live with, even if she's not my cup of tea. If forced to pick one though, I go nostalgic and say Christina Applegate, since we're not getting any more of her show, and she's really great in it.

Who will win: Again, I feel Tina Fey and 30 Rock like a freight train. But I would not be bowled over by a Parker or Collette win - one for ACTING and one for a movie actress slumming it on pay cable.

Lead Actor (Drama):
Hugh Laurie, House
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Simon Baker, The Mentalist
Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Who should win/Who I'd like to win: Uh, is this where I admit that I don't watch high profile dramas on TV anymore? Because with the exception of ubiquitous House, I've never seen an episode of any one of these shows. But I'll say Jon Hamm, because he's the prettiest, and was so funny on 30 Rock.

Who will win: Bryan Cranston won last year, right? The Emmy's like consistency, but then again everyone said Jon Hamm got robbed last year. I'll double up my foolish bets and say Hamm.

Lead Actress (Drama):
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Holly Hunter, Saving Grace
Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Glenn Close, Damages

Who should win: Mariska Hargitay has been chewing scenery for at least 3 seasons, I physically loathe Sedgwick's acting tics on her show, and Sally Field is saddled with some terrible, terrible lines on her show that's gone awry in a serious way. That leaves Holly Hunter (who I love but do not watch her show), Elisabeth Moss (who I do not know), and Glenn Close (who is a cobra and I love). So...Moss? Everyone loves the Mad Men. Why am I doing this if I don't watch TV?

Who I'd like to win: Glenn Close. Watching her in Damages is like riding a roller coaster, where you're not sure if the ride owner is going to stab you in the eye at some point. But in a good way.

Who will win: I think this one is a straight toss up - none of them would surprise me (except maybe Sedgwick, and even then not really). I'll stick with my earlier assertion and say that Moss is going to sneak out a win, since Mad Men has some momentum and there's no one around to split the votes.

Comedy Series:
Entourage
Weeds
How I Met Your Mother
Flight Of The Conchords
30 Rock
The Office
Family Guy

Who should win: It's too bad that 30 Rock is so terribly great right now. Because if you dropped them from the list, I would almost have to tear my hair out to pick a single winner. But yeah, it's too easy.

Who I'd like to win: How I Met Your Mother is getting a make-up nomination - in their second season I would have easily given it to them, but now, not so much. Weeds, as previously described has gotten crazy good. The Office was uneven but is on a roll lately. But Flight of the Conchords owns a little piece of my heart, and how awesome would it be if they won? So awesome.

Who will win: 30 Rock. Unstoppable, I think.

Drama Series:
Big Love
Dexter
House
Damages
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Lost

Who should win: Hell if I know. This is me throwing up my hands.

Who I'd like to win: Lost! Crazy-ass, confusing-as-hell, I-want-to-blow-up-an-island-so-I-can-make-it-with-the-criminal-chick, Lost. So much fun. Also, Damages would be acceptable, even if it wasn't as good as the first season.

Who will win: Mad Men, right? That's the new hotness, yes? Maybe I should go out on a limb, but I don't think so.

Reality Series:
Top Chef
Project Runway
The Amazing Race
Dancing With The Stars
American Idol

Who should win: Oh, shit, now we get down to it. Project Runway probably had the best season overall, I think. But Amazing Race had some downright amazing episodes, if not the best finale. American Idol was interesting, but it's a trifle compared with the rest. Yeah, I think I have to go with Project Runway.

Who I'd like to win: Project Runway is probably my favorite of the bunch as well. Although I wouldn't mind continuing domination by The Amazing Race. Shit is solid. Also had the cheese rolling down the hill challenge. Man, I'm torn.

Who will win: I would usually say that you don't mess with streaks, but I'm thinking this is the end of the line, what with all the press that Project Runway got switching networks. Project Runway with the upset.

Supporting Actor (Comedy):
Kevin Dillon, Entourage
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men
Rainn Wilson, The Office
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock
Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock

Who should win/Who I'd like to win/Who will win: For the love of all things good, holy, and homosexual, please let NPH finally win this award like he should have the last three years running.

Not that I don't love me some Tracy Morgan, but seriously. Just do it.

Supporting Actor (Drama):
William Shatner, Boston Legal
Michael Emerson, Lost
William Hurt, Damages
Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
John Slattery, Mad Men

Who should win: Again, I still don't watch a lot of drama, but of the ones I watch, William Hurt was actually a pretty weak link in Damages, and Michael Emerson was the best part of Lost. So I'll go with him, attaching a huge old caveat to the determination.

Who I'd like to win: Emerson, or Shatner, because really, I can't hate the Shat, even if he's been a dick lately. Remember when he made that awesome album with Ben Folds? God, I love that album.

Who will win: Because it's usually the one I least expect in this category, I'm going with Aaron Paul in Breaking Bad, because I've never heard of him before.

Supporting Actress (Comedy):
Kristin Chenoweth, Pushing Daisies
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live

Who should win: Talk about a stacked category - I literally love every single performance nominated here. Chenoweth is probably the best, but was the least seen. Krakowski did the most with the least. Williams is the least appreciated for what she does. Perkins might actually be the best thing in a show full of a lot of great things. It's so hard to decide. I guess Chenoweth is who I'm going with here, based just on merit.

Who I'd like to win: I'm crazy biased again, but Jenna is my favorite character on 30 Rock, and I love Jane Krakowski in a very deep and personal way. "I would have gone, but the boat I was educated on sank." There is no way I'm not rooting for her.

Who will win: Your guess is as good as mine. I'd like to invoke the 30 Rock train again, but I'm not feeling it in the supporting categories. I'm going out on a limb and give it to Vanessa Williams in a crazy, vote-splitting upset.

Supporting Actress (Drama):
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
Rose Byrne, Damages
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
Dianne Wiest, In Treatment
Hope Davis, In Treatment
Cherry Jones, 24

Who should win: First of all, 24 is still on the air? What? Also, what on earth is In Treatment? This category is eating my soul. I'm just going to say Sandra Oh, because odds are that if she's involved in it, she deserves the award for being the best at it.

Who I'd like to win: I have a spot right here in my heart for Rose Byrne, and while she is regularly steam rolled by the juggernaut that is Glenn Close, she almost holds her own on occasion. I'd love to see her pick this up.

Who will win: I don't know why, but I'm really feeling Dianne Wiest here. She's ostensibly the most famous one on the list, right? And I did love her for those 5 minutes she was on Law & Order.

Other Random Notes:

What the hell is up with those writing categories? 4 nominees in both comedy and drama from the same show? That's a mess. (And in 30 Rock's case, two of the four are pretty bad episodes)
How excited am I that Wizards of Waverly Place won Best Kids Program? Very excited. I love that show unashamedly.
I really hope Phil Keoghan wins Best Reality Show Host. He's my favorite, even though he does those ridiculous fake-out team placement announcements all the time. His eyebrows are the best thing on CBS.

Aaaand lord that was a long list. Tune in next week when I go over the new Fall schedule and try to write something that isn't utterly, utterly boring.

Somewhere the Truck of Malfunction is Laughing Bitterly

2009-09-02T17:08:00.002-05:00

Okay, so my trials with the Truck of Malfunction (TOM) are extensively documented. And while I loved the little guy like a bastard son, I wasn't exactly torn to bits by replacing him with the new hotness that was my Jaguar a couple of years back. Even though I knew that Jaguars were notorious for having excessive mechanical issues, I thought that maybe the 10 years of good-will karma I built up from owning a vehicle that averaged a new broken thing once every 2 weeks for an entire decade would offset brand superstitions.

On the whole, I think I've been pretty fortunate on that front, thus far. I know there was that terrible battery replacement issue and the resulting demonic possession incident. And there was that thing about a year ago when I had to replace the entire water pump system when it started spewing anti-freeze like that kid in The Exorcist. And then there were the two times this year that the car was hit while parked somewhere... Okay, so maybe not fortunate. But compared to the TOM, I was in a good place, mentally.

Then, about 2 months ago, the cruise control in my car stopped working. Every time I hit the start button, the cruise control would light up for 0.5 seconds, and then immediately cancel out. This was an intense blow to my car love, as the cruise control was probably the one thing that most improved my driving lifestyle from the TOM, excepting air conditioning in the summer. But at the same time, I was pretty poor and it's something of an extravagance. So it wasn't like I could justify going to the (crazy expensive) Jag mechanic just to have the luxury of not holding the gas pedal down all the time.

So I adapted, and only complained bitterly for 2 weeks about the strain that was having to constantly utilize my foot to drive.

Fast-forward to last week, when our dear friend from the north, Jim, was down visiting. At one point we decided to go somewhere but took two cars, as some of us were splitting off in different directions afterward. I, being the one who lived in Dallas full-time and ostensibly knew where we were going, did the leading. Upon arrival, the people from the following car asked "Did you know that your brake lights are on? Like, ALL the time?"

And suddenly the broken cruise control made a lot more sense. Since that's how you turn off the CC, by hitting the brakes. If the brakes always think they're on, the cruise control is never going to engage. That was a nice revelation for about 30 seconds, until I realized that I'd been driving for over 2 months with my brake lights on at all times, without ever noticing.

Combining the facts that I am now unemployed (and thus definitely don't have the money on hand to be fixing cars) and that I had gone this long without any serious problems, I decided that fixing the problem was going to be a relatively low priority on my list of Things That Gots To Be Done. Only now every time I got in the car it was all I could think about. I started realizing the huge margin of error that cars around me were always giving me. And every time I approached a red light, I immediately braced for rear impact. Within 5 days, I was reaching for the antacids at the same time that I went for my keys.

I decided that this would not stand, and I vowed to fix the problem myself, or at least I would poke around and see if I could identify where the problem originated. Per my dad, the problem was in the brake pedal sensor, which should be somewhere near the pedal itself, and would probably be in plain view. I was all about that, and right after hanging up the phone I was jazzed to get home and start doing mechanical type things.

I was so excited, in fact, that at the next stoplight, I tried feeling around below the steering wheel to see if I could trace the path of the brake pedal to its natural end. Within 5 seconds of exploring, I found a wire hanging loose down there, which led to a small plastic box just dangling out in space. Carefully feeling all over it, I determined that I had no idea what it was, but it did have a little plunger button on the side.

"Maybe it's a bomb," I thought.

Then I pushed the button.

"Wait, why did I push the button if I thought it was a bomb?" I immediately questioned myself. But it was far too late for recriminations.

The result was not a fiery explosion, only a vague *thump* from somewhere within the bowels of the car. But nothing visible happened. I decided that my not getting exploded was tempting fate enough, and waited until I got home to do any more experimentation.

At home, I wedged myself into the space below the steering wheel and started applying my (naturally giant) brain to the problem at hand - namely, what the hell was that thing and where should it go? Also, did it have anything to do with the brake problem?

The second part was easier to determine - it totally did, as pushing down that little button made the brake lights go off. I had made real progress, and the feeling of mechanical accomplishment was a heady thing indeed.

Next, where did it go? Following the brake line, I found a little hole on the mounting that was very similar in shape to the button casing. I was practically giddy at that point, but still managed to insert the little box without anything catching on fire or getting any part of my body electrocuted. I even figured out how to turn it to lock it in place.

At that point I was ready to anoint myself God of Mechanical Repairs. But then when I tested out the brakes, they always still stayed on. Unless I physically lifted the pedal myself from its normal resting place to engage the little button. No manner of changes I made could get it working. I was devastated enough that I wanted to cry.

But I was God of Mechanical Repairs, dammit! I would overcome.

So I went into the house for supplies. I returned shortly, holding two things: a nickle, and a roll of Scotch tape. By attaching a nickle to the brake pedal arm right where the button was supposed to touch, the circuit was made without having to even use a screwdriver.

All following tests were complete successes.

So maybe I'm just the Low-Rent God of Mechanical Repairs using Non-Traditional Household Items.

I can live with that, as long as I have my cruise control back.

God bless the nickel. Best use of five cents ever.

A Reboot of Sorts

2009-08-31T13:57:00.004-05:00

So I lost my job.

It's sort of funny (in a completely unfunny way) how utterly floored I was by the announcement. Because really I'd been expecting it on and off for at least the last 12 months. One would have to live under a rock to not at least consider it, and the rock would have to not get CNN or Fox News either, which just isn't going to happen. Everyone knows that the mortgage market is a mess. Up and down, back and forth, a million times a month. The first half of the year was great, like a boomtown really. I felt like I should be out on a river panning for gold, the number of files I was working and the job offers I was getting. But the changes kept coming, the rates kept swaying wildly, and the property values kept dropping. Plus, every month I would do the accounting for the office and see the huge drain on the profit margin that was my salary. I could see the river running low, nothing but rocks and pyrite, and the tumbleweeds blowing through the empty streets.

What my terrible metaphor is trying to say is that it shouldn't have been a shock.

But the hammer never fell, and I started taking a hard look at all the responsibilities I'd been steadily assuming in the office and I began to sincerely believe that things weren't as dire as I was thinking. Maybe this was the trade-off my boss was willing to make - a smaller profit for the reduced workload. By the time we hit July, I was straight up confident that I was actually secure in my job. I mean, at that point with the amount of work that I did there was no way I was dispensable (short of closing the office up entirely).

Now I read that last little parenthetical and absolutely cringe. How exactly did I get that myopic? There's missing the forest for the trees, and then there's taking a nap in your house while it's on fire because you're confident that you're the only one who knows where the fire extinguisher is.

Plus, my boss would have said something, right? RIGHT?

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A few fun facts on the closing of my office (I'm not bitter):

Effective time/date of closing: The end of business on Monday
The time/date I was notified of this fact: Monday at 4:53pm
The resulting effective amount of notice I was given: 37 minutes
Amount of severance I was going to get: $0 (zero dollars
Amount of time I had worked there: 5 years, 2 months
Total number of vacation days I had taken in all 5 years and 2 months: 7
Number of jobs I had passed up in just the last 8 months: 6

(Definitely not bitter. But just for fun, let's keep going)
Most heartening thing I was told by my boss during the announcement: "I'm sure you'll be eligible for Unemployment. I mean, I used to hate the idea of the government giving people money for not doing anything, but I think you need to do what you need to do."
Number of phone calls I received the following day from my boss with questions on how to work things in the office: 11
Number of those phone calls where the answer to the question was "Did you turn the computer on?": 1
The thing that pushed me closer to a psychotic break than I ever thought possible: "Oh, no. How do you turn on the computer?"
(TOTALLY NOT BITTER)

------------------------

The job search has begun in earnest. Luckily, even though it hit me like a sucker punch, I still had a good chunk of the money I'd be obsessively hoarding over the year in case something like this happened, so it's not like I'm out on the street. And guess what? Totally qualify for unemployment. Which does not mean I get government cheese like I though it did, and to which I was totally looking forward to. But I might get some money at some point. Woo, government.

------------------------

The point of this whole story: I've got some time on my hands, since I can only manage a maximum of 5 hours of job hunting and resume sending per day before my brain tries to forcibly escape my skull. So I'm going to try to re-open the blog.

We'll see.

Harry Potter And The Teenage Angst Monster

2009-07-20T14:36:00.003-05:00

(Long and SPOILER filled, for both the 6th movie and the 7th book so watch the heck out)

It's a tricky thing, adapting a book into a movie. Particularly one that's been read, analyzed, dissected, fought over, and devoured millions of times over. You keep it too tightly to the book and it would no doubt be long and dry. Go too far off base and you hear the unending outcry of an angry horde of rabid fans from across the globe. It's basically a no-win situation, if you discount the huge piles of money that you're being paid.

I think that overall, though, I'm in the camp that likes it when things are switched up. My favorite of the Harry Potter movies is Alfonso Cuarón's take on Prisoner of Azkaban, and I think it's mostly because the movie doesn't try to copy over the book word for word (like it seemed the first two tried to) and it didn't just try to get all the set pieces of the story in (like the 4th seemed to). There was a story that was told, and even though the denouement exposition scene was probably too much, it felt like a standalone decent film.

David Yates is obviously taking a long-term approach with parts 5 through 7A & 7B that doesn't really fit any classification. He's taking a sort of half-and-half approach to adaptation that you can only try when you know you're going to have the continuity of the films in place. Because just like 5, 6 really doesn't stand on it's own as a great film. Don't get me wrong, it's almost endlessly entertaining. For a movie that runs over two and half hours, keeping my attention that high and engrossed throughout is a great triumph. But he's obviously taking the long view on the series as a whole, and is okay with making the 6th installment fun, but ultimately incomplete. And if the currently leaked plans for the first movie of the seventh book are accurate, this will continue to the end.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing (cohesion rarely is), but it's not what I would have done. We'll get into that later, but let's for now have a small discussion on how much I enjoyed this one.

My primary joy in this movie was the strength of acting, which is the highest it's been in an HP movie thus far. Particularly Emma Watson and Tom Felton, who brought up the level of their games significantly from Part 5. I could spend a few hours gushing over Watson, but mostly because I was terrified that after that Order of the Phoenix disaster, that she would drag this movie straight down, as Hermione has such an arc to get through in Half Blood Prince. But she pulls it off with room to spare. Felton adds some umph to Draco's story, and the decision to reveal a lot more about the vanishing cabinet directly was a very smart decision.

Plus, Michael Gambon as Dumbledore finally puts it all together for this movie, and just in time as he could have easily been the make or break piece of the puzzle. (This was sidestepped by the directing decisions, but we'll get to that). I wasn't on board with his acting style for part 4 at all, but by 5 I could come around to it, and in 6 he has real pathos - he obviously cares for Harry, and is doing a delicate balancing act that is nicely highlighted in some of the more subtle bits of his acting.

I also greatly enjoyed the little liberties that were taken with the book - I loved getting rid of the tedium of the Dursleys and instead getting the off-beat diner scene instead. That's the exact kind of thing I'm looking for in a movie adaptation - reverence to the spirit of the book, but not slavish devotion to the recreation of the text. I was less pleased with the added attack on the Weasleys' house, but that's more the plot nerd coming out in me than an actual complaint. The scene itself is incredibly well-done, it just raises so many canon questions that my brain starts flailing internally.

And just like for the last movie, lets stop and take a paragraph to revel in the glory that is Luna Lovegood. It's such a perfect bit of casting, and she's played so delightfully, I want an entire movie just about her and Harry having little adventures together. I loved the way she was integrated into the movie even better than in the book - her finding Harry on the train was economical and well thought-out, and she gets some great lines floating in and out of her various scenes. I can't say enough good things.

My last bit of gushing comes for the Horcrux reveal scene - which seems crazy, as it's something that I kind of hated in the book. Textually, when Harry gets the Slughorn memory, all it does is confirm Dumbledore's expectation of what is going on (basically the sum reveal is that he's expecting 7 horcruxes). This is similar to the movie, but Gambon is able to ham it up a little, and give it some gravitas. And then the bit that I didn't expect - the really nice foreshadowing for Book 7 - Dumbledore's explanation of how the dark magic leaves its traces, only to have Harry himself get hit with a bolt Voldemort when he touches the ring. Because he's got the dark traces inside himself, right? Since he's a horcrux too. And while they're a little overdone, I love the ambiguity of Dumbledore's lines that follow, about how he can't destroy the horcrux himself, and again he's going to have to ask too much of Harry. Because he doesn't really say which horcrux he's talking about, does he? Whatever, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but let me have my delusions, I think it's amazingly well done.

-------------------------

But back to the idea of adaptation. I understand what the director is doing here - he's going for the larger picture. The fifth movie sets the adult portion of the Harry Potter arc in motion - introduces the main characters and themes, but doesn't resolve much of anything. The sixth movie carries that through, raising the stakes by staying so close to the character-study side of things, rather than getting bogged into the deepening past plot. The opposite sides weighing in - the normal teenage life beset on all sides by the darkness - it makes sense when you're building to the overall conflict that will be Harry, Ron, and Hermione cutting ties to complete their mission in the next movie, and then the eventual grand conclusion where everything comes back together in the final one.

So taking this into account, I can see why the cuts were made where they were, and why the additions were necessary. It's a four movie payoff, nothing too immediate. See: Mrs. Weasley's long tear-stained reaction shot to Bellatrix burning down The Burrow. Can't even imagine what that might be leading up to a few movies down the road, no?

Or the cutting of all the other Voldemort memories: While it's all great backstory, it ultimately has little to do with the matters at hand in the story they're telling. How they'll nail down the horcruxes in the next parts is irrelevant to the set up the Half-Blood Prince is setting up. And for that matter, keeping the fight for Hogwarts at the end of HBP would introduce and remove the threat too quickly and too hollowly for the theme to continue (unless they re-added Bill and Fleur, which would be just too much.)

The only part I don't necessarily understand is the removal of the funeral, and the astronomy tower discussion put in its place. The new scene fits the theme well, but then so would the funeral. And had they carried the funeral to the expected conclusion, having Harry do his little homage to Spider-Man and dumping Ginny at the end would complete the natural arc of story nicely, and provides the ramp into the next movie. Instead we get a sort of soft fade out on the reflections of how the kids have grown up.

These are all things I can rail against, but don't see the need. It's a great entry into the series, and as a whole I think they'll acquit themselves nicely, particularly when viewed in the series as a whole.

Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

2009-06-30T11:00:00.003-05:00

So I finally broke down over the weekend and cleaned out my closet.

This does not sound like the start of a good story, but trust me, it gets better. (For ethical reasons, I feel obliged to inform you that it does not, in fact, get better.)

See, I'd been putting this off for roughly 8 months. Any time something broke (like a dining room chair, a computer monitor, or a plastic bobblehead dog) rather than repair it or throw it away, I would just store it in the closet for later. Then when I got my new king-size bed, I decided to retain the old full sized mattress and box spring for tactical purposes (also I am lazy and didn't want to have to carry it farther than 5 feet anywhere) so it went in there as well. AND THEN when I got my new TV, I didn't want to carry the giant box that it came in out to the dumpster (which would almost literally be like carrying a sign that says "Please Rob Me" around my not-so-nice neighborhood), so into the closet it went.

Considering the pre-existing boxes of clothes, bedding, Christmas trees, unopened blenders, books that are either ugly or don't fit into my shelves, garbage bags full of stuffed animal beavers that I have stashed away in the hopes that people forget about that period of my life, etc. that already littered the place, we sort of hit a critical mass in there about 4 months ago. And yet I did nothing.

"But Jason," you say. "A closet is for keeping clothes. How do you live life with no access to your wardrobe?"

To that, I say "Bah!"

I can adapt to anything. While yes, technically there was roughly 10 feet of hanging space in the closet that I could not access, I could still reach the 18 inches directly in front of the closet door. Which is just enough space to cram every dress shirt and pair of slacks I own, as long as I pushed really hard. And while I could no longer reach the shelves where my folded clothes should go, I was able to clear off two tiny spaces on the wire rack that stood directly beside the closet door, on which I was able to precariously stack every other piece of laundry I owned. So not only did I work it out, I never technically had to enter the closet after that point, to defend against the off chance that it might consume me entirely.

This setup lasted until this weekend when I had to retrieve a blanket for a house guest and nearly lost my life when I got stuck between the box spring, my space heater, and a lamp, and almost had to call the fire department to come in to rescue me with the jaws of life.

Thus, on Sunday I steeled myself and started yanking things out. You know at the circus, when the clowns come out of the tiny car? Imagine instead that the tiny car is actually a giant SUV, and yet still a proportionate number of clowns come out of it. Like, instead of 10 clowns out of a VW, imagine a million clowns coming out of a Hummer. (Lets all stop and wonder in horror at the idea of a million clowns. Move on when you stop shuddering.)

This imagination adventure was necessary because my closet is only moderately sized, and yet I managed to pull enough stuff out of there to fill my entire bedroom, my bathroom, and part of the hallway. It defied the laws of space, time, and physics. I found things in there I'm pretty sure I hadn't seen since I left the metaphorical closet back in 2001 - up to and including my high school graduation cap, a broken saxophone, a computer from 1994, and what I can only assume was once a mattress pad, before the ravages of time turned it into a synthetic pile of foamy dust.

Once suitably cleared out, I set about empirically deciding which items could effectively be thrown out without one day possibly missing them. Which by my insane qualifications meant tossing 2 things: the (assumed) mattress pad lump and the box that the giant TV came in. Because you never do know when you're going to need a desktop computer from 1994, or a stack of outdated video cards from 1999-2003.

I realize that I may have some packratting issues.

But in any case, I attempt then to carry said giant TV box from my bedroom to the dumpster across the apartment complex. You would think this would not be a difficult thing, but only if you haven't met me. The box is open on either end, but is both too wide to carry lengthwise and too long to stand on its end and still be carryable. Since I am by myself, I compromise and just half-carry it by holding one of the short ends and prop the rest against my body at an angle upwards. Sort of like I'm about to do a pole vault, only instead of a pole I've got a long and wide empty cardboard box. Since I'm fighting both gravity and my own weakness, I have to book it pretty quickly across the parking lot, lest the whole thing crash down to earth and I end up in a sobbing heap on the (really, really hot) asphalt.

I still maintain that this plan was solid, and totally would have worked, had it not been windy that afternoon. But alas. Halfway across the parking lot, a huge gust of wind picks up and hits the box broadside. I am bodily picked up by the force of it and spun 90 degrees, so that instead of half running towards a dumpster, I am now half running directly at several parked cars.

I attempt to course correct for this by shifting my left arm and part of my body to the backside of the box and pushing with all my might. I am half successful in this attempt, insofar as I regain my original heading without killing myself or falling over my own feet. This success lasts approximately 2 seconds before the second gust of wind hits. This time I am already braced against the backside of the box, so you'd think that would be enough to compensate.

But I did not factor in the part where I am weaker than the plot of Transformers 2. The wind overpowers my counteractive push to the point where I am literally forced backwards 5 feet and am bodily slammed into the back of a parked car. Who's alarm of course immediately starts going off, seemingly loud enough to cause permanent ear damage and alerting every single person within a 1 mile radius to come out and witness my humiliation.

This is how I meet my new neighbors now, apparently. Wedged up against their car, beaten into submission by a cardboard box that weighs approximately 10 pounds. And of course by the time they come around, there is no wind at all to speak of, so the neighbor's wife is able to easily pick up the box without aid.

-----------------------

So what lesson did we learn?

Never throw anything out.

OR

Just stop going out in public at all.

Both are good.

Music Review Monday - Spektor, Jonas, et al

2009-06-29T11:04:00.003-05:00

Been in a music buying frenzy lately, and thought I'd do a public service announcement on what to buy and what to ignore. Because I definitely know what I'm talking about when it comes to music. (Please note: I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I do like to type a lot.)

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Far, Regina Spektor - I cannot give an unbiased review of this album. It includes the songs "One More Time With Feeling" (my old favorite Regina song) and "Dance Anthem of the 80's" (the song that I heard live back in '06 which started my terrifying fan obsession), so I have no objectivity.

That said, even attempting to pretend impartiality, I think it's a very, very good album. It opens brilliantly with the catchy songs "The Calculation" and "Eet" (which I think are the two standout songs on the record). It get you hooked before you know it and the album slides on with a nice pace, alternating the slower, deeper songs with the more upbeat ones, making a nice layering effect to the thematic idea of the album. The only thing I find out of place is "The Wallet," which is a great song and one of my favorite things she sings live, but it feels jarringly trifling at the end of such a strong album.

As with Begin to Hope, I think the same unfair criticism will be leveled at Far - it's more commercially viable (read: mainstream), more produced, resulting in less original flavor Regina. I agree with the viability and the production, but if anything, this album has more personality Begin to Hope and a couple of the songs rival what we saw on Soviet Kitch. Undoubtedly there are more mainstream things here: "Laughing With" is generic enough for radio play, I sincerely believe "Eet" will end up as the "Better" of this album, and "The Calculation" and "Dance Anthem" both scream commercial to me.

But right at the same time you've got "Folding Chair," which is the quintessential Regina quirk song (there are dolphin noises involved), and "Blue Lips", which is insanely lyrically dense. Basically, I can never figure out what people are on about, but I assume it's cool hate on the popular and say you knew them when, and it was so much better, and lalala. Whatever, it's good stuff.

(Note: As much as I prefer buying music from Amazon over iTunes, get it off iTunes if possible, since the bonus tracks are amazing. While it's short, "Riot Gear" is my favorite song on the whole album.)

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Lines, Vines, and Trying Times, The Jonas Brothers - I don't even know what to say to this album. It's so varied - the theme is obviously the Trying Times part of the title - but musically it's all over the map; you've got country, rock, pop, even a little rap. Despite many of the songs not being my cup of musical tea ("What Did I Do To Your Heart" sounds like a 90's Shania Twain reject, and "Don't Charge Me For The Crime" is gangsta-rap-ultra-lite) I think it's a good album, but it's nothing that you need to go out of your way to hear.

I was shocked how much I liked their last album - it was slickly produced and unbelievably catchy without being too Disney Teen Bop, or only a little bit so (plus some of the songs were just plain good). This album continues that theme in some ways for the better - this is a more mature sounding and better produced album in almost every regard, and it actually has some real-world playable music on it (as long as you never reveal that to anyone that it is the Jonas Brothers who are singing).

Some of it is a little juvenile, though: after listening to "Fly With Me", I sincerely wonder if they've forgotten that Peter Pan sort of doesn't have a happy ending (which seemingly negates the message of the song). And while I enjoy a good Taylor Swift smackdown as much as the next person, I really could have done without the eternally lame "Much Better" ("I'm done with superstars/and all the tears on her guitar, I'm not bitter") Uh, yeah, good luck with that.

On the whole, it's around 6.5 out of 10. Maybe more, depending on how long this "Paranoid" single remains lodged in my brain (seriously, it's really good).

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Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future, The Bird and The Bee - Such a nice album. I've become sort of an electro-pop glutton lately (Bitter:Sweet, Animal Collective, Lykke Li, Imogen Heap...) so I like to think that I'm starting to be able to tell the difference between something that's just catchy and something that's genuinely good, as electronica goes. This is a really great mixture of the two - standout catchy tunes like "My Love" and "Polite Dance Party," and then some songs that some measure of real interest hiding in them like "Meteor" and "Love Letter to Japan."

Not world-breaking, but a delight nonetheless.

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Beautiful Lie, Ed Harcourt - Get your music snob on. UK release from 2006 that got a US distribution in 2008 to little recognition. This album and Matt Alber's Hide Nothing are my go-to joys for obscure but amazing male singer/songwriters this year. To steal a line, this album is hauntingly beautiful. Goes a little too far on a couple of tracks, particularly "You Only Call Me When You're Drunk" which starts brilliant but then keeps spiraling upwards to a messy and terrible crash, but mostly it's a stunning achievement and kind of makes my heart hurt at times.

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Transmitter Failure, Jenny Owen Youngs -Another one of those biased reviews. Her last album, Batten the Hatches, is my favorite thing that came out of 2007 and I have an irrational love for the way she writes her songs. There's a cynical but reasoned edge to almost every song on that album that really speaks to me.

The new album is a little more driving and a little happier, but the edge is still definitely in place. Her uptempo stuff is just brilliant, with "Last Person" and "Clean Break" as my standout favorites. I'm less in love with a couple of the fragile songs ("Here is a Heart" is a little too cloying and "Nighty Night," while catchy, is off-putting to me), but that's just because I compare them to things like "Woodcut" or "Voice on Tape" from the last album and see missed potential. Make no mistake, it's a wonderful album, maybe my favorite of the whole year so far.

Transformers - Robots in Disg-THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD

2009-06-26T11:35:00.006-05:00

My review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was so bad that my hate-review spilled over the character limit on the sidebar.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I told myself as I was walking out of the theater that I wouldn't write up this review for at least a couple of days. "The pain will be too fresh in your mind, and you will say things that you regret."

But you know what? Screw it - This was the worst movie I have ever paid money to go see. And I went to both the remake of Prom Night last year, and I saw The Fog on its opening weekend. Terrible in every way imaginable, and then terrible again in ways that you couldn't even guess. Boring, long, insulting, misogynistic, borderline racist, loud, overly long, annoying, poorly acted, unforgivably dumb, confusing, way too long, illogical, ugly, vaguely nauseating, and (oh did I mention) TOO DAMN LONG. One of my friends complained that when he went to see it, someone pulled the fire alarm at the 2 hour mark and they had to evacuate the theater and he missed the end. Rather than complain, I would have gladly given whoever pulled the fire alarm a hug and maybe a kiss on the mouth. Another friend said she would have had more fun sleeping than watching the movie - I said I would have had more fun hitting myself on the hand with a large, sharp rock for TWO AND ONE HALF HOURS.

The plot is nonsensical to the point that you wonder why they even decided they needed a script at all - just give in to inertia and just go from set-action-piece to set-action-piece without any explanation if your rationalizations are going to be that lame. (Which they did at one point, I might mention. They literally had the cast gather in a circle in the middle of a field outside of the Smithsonian and then magically teleported themselves to a desert in Egypt.)

And then even the action sequences are so poorly shot (or rendered in most cases) that you don't even know what's going on. There are two formulas available:
#1:

Two large collections of bits of metal go flying at each other from opposite sides of the screen
There is a terribly loud screeching noise and some little bits fly off
The camera then spins around the metal mass about 5 times
Sometimes then one of the robots will "die," sometimes they won't. Sometimes there is a terrible robot-related quip by the victorious robot.

Your only hope of working out any of the action is to look for red bits of colored metal (meaning Optimus Prime) or yellow bits (meaning it's the comedy relief robot). Everyone else is indistinguishable from a stainless steel appliance mangled by a garbage disposal.

#2:

An airplane fires a missile at a robot
OR
An airplane drops a bomb on a robot

(Note: Neither of these things will have any effect on the robot, but explosions = cool, apparently)

Those are your options. Choose wisely. (Hint: The only way to win is not to play.)

I will credit the movie for making me laugh on three separate occasions (Rainn Wilson, I absolve you for being in this movie) but that doesn't make up for the damage done to my soul. We were trapped in that theater for 150 minutes of my life. Just a terrible, terrible, horrible, unconscionably bad movie.

And I haven't even talked about that part at the end where (SPOILER FOR THE ENDING OF WORST MOVIE IN THE WORLD) the boy dies and goes to Transformers Limbo where he is praised by the spirits of dead robots and is turned into Keanu Reeves from The Matrix except even more lame (because of his robot loyalty he's now The One? After he only started trying to save a robot because he felt guilty for abandoning him earlier and causing said robot's death?). But then he comes back to life because of the power of either Megan Fox's love, or a magically reassembling tiara. Had I been holding anything in my hands at the time, I might very well have chunked it at the screen. I mean, I can enjoy mindless comedy or I can enjoy mindless action, but this was neither. It was just loud, nonsensical, boring and hate Hate HATE HATEHATEHATEHA--- Okay, I'm out.

Jesus.

Spring Forward into Television (Week the Last)

2009-05-26T10:42:00.004-05:00

So that whole blog hiatus really put a damper on my TV week recaps, huh? Though it definitely didn't slow my TV watching (see the previous post about the new TV and the corresponding rise to infinity of my viewing habits). So rather than try to catch back up, I'm going to zero everything out to coincide with the the summer season finales. And then none of us will have to worry about my TV rants until the Fall. Everyone wins (especially you, the reader)!

Monday

The Big Bang Theory - I'm still shocked that this show has grown on me so much. Particularly because when the first episode aired, I distinctly remember calling it one of the worst atrocities I'd ever seen committed on the airwaves. But they've really done something with nothing. Mostly by realizing the strengths of the show - the character of Sheldon and the comedic timing of the actress who plays Penny - and milking the hell out of it. They still have some glaring issues, mostly revolving around the Leonard character who they can't seem to properly pin down, and the protracted romance issues which just are not that compelling. But by really compartmentalizing each episode (the continuity is there, it's just very subtle) they avoid the worst traps, and just focus on the humor, which I'm a big fan of. Color me shocked, but I'm really looking forward to this show coming back.

How I Met Your Mother - A lackluster season finale, but a strong continuation of the series this season, despite some huge off-screen challenges. When both of your lead actresses get pregnant in the same season (and neither is ready for pregnancy in the series), I'm willing to grant some allowances for how you deal with it. HIMYM did extraordinarily well in that regard - hiding Lily and making up jokes for her large belly and then eventually writing her out of a few episodes. To be fair, the ones that she was gone for were some of the weakest in a long time (as much trouble as I have with her character as a person, she really rounds out the cast perfectly), but overall they did good things with a bad situation. The show has definitely fallen from my favorite thing on TV, but it's still great viewing. And NPH is still a national treasure.

Tuesday

The Biggest Loser - Y'all, I always feel like I should qualify every reality TV review that I do with some kind of blanket apology for liking it, but I don't even have a defense anymore. How good (but way too bloated) was this season? I mean, mostly I watch it for the awesomeness that is Jillian the Brutal Trainer (who is a cross between a lunatic and the best person in the world), but for possibly the first time ever, this show had a real level of drama to it. Usually it's about product placement and contrived inspiration (in that order), but this year there was an extra helping of strategery (by the father/son duo) that actually mattered and wasn't trumped up by the producers later. And the end results were seriously crazy - how hot (and overly tanned) were the son and former model by the season finale? And then at the end, my favorite (the crazy old lady) won the whole thing! I don't know, it was all very satisfying, which is something I don't usually associate with The Biggest Loser. What is happening to me?

American Idol - I don't want to talk about this show. But I watched it a lot this year. It was better than usual, but only because my favorites actually lasted until the end for once. And that's all I have to say about that.

Wednesday

Better Off Ted - I don't think I did a single post while this show was airing, but it might have actually jumped up to #1 or #2 on my list of favorite things on TV right now. And that was with the knowledge hanging over my head that it was surely going to get canceled, which makes it a doubly huge feat, since I try my very best not to get attached to doomed things. But then they went and renewed it for a second season, despite the fact that there were only three of us actually watching (I assume).

In any case, this show is so good. I will watch Portia de Rossi in anything, and she absolutely kills with her character - so weird and quirky, but wholly realized and not overacted. Plus the lab duo of Lem and Phil provide some of the most simple and perfect comedy I've seen in ages. I need to stop talking at this point, before I get into individual episodes and this becomes a real essay (but seriously - the one where the company assigns each of the cubical workers one of 4 different personalities and they become rival cliques is so funny that I sort of greyed out from laughing so much. Oh, and the one with the motion detectors... No, no, I will stop).

Lost - How, how, how is this show still on the air and popular? I mean, don't get me wrong - I basically love it like a member of my family, but this is not mainstream television. This is hard-core sci-fi/metaphor shit going down, with so much backstory and episode retention required that I don't understand how people consistently keep watching. Anyways, great, great stuff, even though they (no joke) killed off all three of my remaining favorite characters this season. It got to the point where I was afraid to reclassify my new favorite in my mind, because the next week they would totally end up dead. But I appreciate the progress the show had made, and the strides they are taking to come to a real resolution.

I say all these nice things upfront because I'm about to rage against the show though: It's all about Kate? Really? REALLY? Jack's entire motivation in the season finale? Despite the fact that Juliette is approximately 20 times the better and more interesting character? Despite the fact that there is zero chemistry there? Despite the fact that it makes zero logical sense (if you change everything, Kate is back handcuffed next to an air marshall on plane and you don't know her!). God, I hated that with the power of a million flaming suns.

South Park - one of the weakest half seasons in a while - I laughed at the Jonas Bros episode, and the finale with the pirates was really well done, but everything else added up to absolutely nothing. No wait, I sort of liked the fish sticks episode, a tiny bit. Overall, though, sort of a downer season.

Thursday

I stopped watching Ugly Betty (too repetitive and insulting), Survivor (boring), and Grey's Anatomy (manipulative tripe).

Parks and Recreation - I hated, hated, hated the first couple of episodes (a ripoff of The Office so complete and terrible I felt physically affronted) but I kept watching because there was something interesting hiding there in the characters. They weren't all just stock profiles - Rashida Jones and Chris Pratt (or Bright from Everwood as he will always be in my heart) as the standouts, but a huge nod also to Paul Schneider as the weird womanizer/sort of good guy/sort of terrible person. And the season finale finally delivered on the promise - a funny, no - super funny, and touching episode. After that I'm actively interested in this show, and practically begging that they keep that feeling going.

The Office - Best stretch of episodes in a long, long while. The MSPC thing was amazing - a pretend game-changer that shook up everything, while in the end keeping everything the same. The new receptionist is a surprisingly well done addition, and the non-office relationship stuff was perfectly downplayed while still being interesting.

30 Rock - Still probably my favorite thing on TV. Almost every single line is quotable, to a ridiculous degree. Jane Krakowski needs an Emmy, like, right now.

Southland - Am I crazy, or is this a really good show? I can't tell. That slow-burn reveal on the 'is he gay or straight' cop seemed to me like some of the best ambiguous writing I've seen in a long while.

Friday - None

Saturday - None

Sunday

The Amazing Race - Despite the heavy favoritism at the end (wasn't that three straight legs in China, one of which was a double leg? And wasn't the eventual winner the brother/sister team who could speak Mandarin?) it was a very solid season, Excellent tasks, good teams, and for once there was some actual restraint in over-hyping the tension at the end of a leg.

Wherein a Jukebox Weekend Happens

2009-05-18T10:22:00.006-05:00

How long was I waiting in dramatic anticipation of the Jenny Owen Youngs/ Jukebox the Ghost show last Friday? Because of the advent of Twitter, I can pinpoint it down to the minute: 5:43pm on March 18th. I'm not sure if I like that level of documentation on my mental state, but it is handy for times like this.

Anyways, it's been a while. And especially since there's been a dearth of good live music in Dallas, with that level of focused waiting I was pretty worried that it wouldn't live up to the hype in my mind. But it totally did! And not just for a couple of reasons. More like 16 reasons. Starting from the top:

Jenny Owen Youngs is awesome. No, seriously, so awesome. Even with the terrible sound system at the Prophet Bar (which is so, so terrible, you guys. I have yet to go to a show there that didn't have major sound problems) she rocked the house. Not only did she open with my favorite song of hers in the whole world (Voice on Tape), she played the three best tracks off her new album and still had time for 'Drinking Song.' Plus, she dealt with that absolutely bizarre crowd (more on that later) with aplomb.

Jukebox the Ghost is really impressive live. I'd totally like to lie and pretend that I knew who they were before the show was booked, but let's keep the blog honest. I bought the tickets just because of Youngs and didn't have a clue who they were. Instead, I had to play internet catch-up on their MySpace page to at least hear some of their music before I went to the show so I wouldn't be completely out of the loop, since they were joint-headlining.

But in cool twist of luck, they're firmly in my musical taste wheelhouse: Piano, drums, and guitar with a lot of quirky lyrics and hooks thrown about liberally. Think Ben Folds, only with a more electronic and grandious sound. Plus, lots of talk about the apocalypse and the Antichrist. I actually ended up buying their album before the show, it's so catchy.

And they're even better live - they've got that sort of jam-band type of feel that makes them 100 times cooler in person because the product is similar to what you expect, but they really dig in to every song. They're excellent performers - I'd put them right up there with Regina Spektor and Steel Train in terms of musicians I've seen who are way better live vs. their recorded album.

Oh man, and can I talk for a second about the complete insanity that was the audience? This is broken down into many parts. One: the crowd was way smaller than I expected (which meant we could get an awesome view of the stage despite sitting back at the bar during the opening bands). Two: even though the crowd was small, there were two genuinely crazy people in the audience - a strange man who was full-out dancing right in front of the stage during Jenny's set (doing a modified version of The Twist, even during the slower songs), and a similarly excited girl who shouted during a lull between songs "I love your prose!" Which is one of the stranger things I've heard as far as audience-to-live-band compliments go.

Three: I'm almost sure we were the oldest people in the audience who were there for the show itself, and not there as chaperon/ride home for some of the kids up front. In fact, a pretty thorough examination of the people around us yielded only 6 people who had wristbands allowing them to drink. This in-and-of itself is not crazy, but I'm guessing the lowered age-level removed some of the jaded concert-fiend feel to the show, because these kids were rocking out. I mean, at one point during the combined bands portion of the show, Jenny said something like "Now this is a dance song, so you guys need to be dancing," and oh-my-sweet-lord how they took up that challenge with vigor. I love an audience that does more than just stand there and one that actively dances around crazily is like concentrated joy.

Other things that were very cool:
- That I got to say hi to Jenny Owen Youngs
- That I got to buy a tour poster and a vinyl album from her with recordings of the two combined songs that she and Jukebox did together (the best part of the show)
- That she and her band came out and danced along with the audience during the last couple of Jukebox songs
- That the two supporting guitarists with Jenny did an interpretive tambourine dance during the Jukebox/Jenny combined song (Highlight of the night)
- That the bartender interpreted "SoCo and Coke" to mean "A glassfull of SoCo with a tiny splash of Coke"
- That Devon (the friend I conned into coming with me) managed to endure the crazy dancing guy's awkwardness without having to leave the room

Other things that were not cool:
- (Again) the soundboard at the bar (the worst)

Yeah, so: totally awesome show.

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The rest of the weekend was consumed by a graduation party for the boyfriend's best friend, followed by a whole lot of sleeping. Which was pretty sweet itself, but involved little that was noteworthy. So definitely a good couple of days.

Oh Hey, I Have a Blog. Perhaps I'd Like To Write in It

2009-05-13T11:41:00.000-05:00

My writing skills are pretty rusty these days. You'd think that writing would be like bicycle riding or falling off a horse - something that you never forget how to do and is fun for the whole family. But instead it's more like calculus or shooting a high powered rifle - the skill rapidly deteriorates without constant practice and it's only fun for people with severe personality disorders.

But in any case, let's see if we can't bang out a few stories here to kill time between bouts of job hunting.

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So I've become one of those technology worshippers again. I had been doing ridiculously well for years - my last major purchase was a widescreen LCD monitor ages ago, and even that was on sale. I hadn't done a computer purchase, or any large scale electronics buy since changing apartments almost two years ago. I mean, yes, technically in the interim I bought a ridiculous new car that was financially crippling in a way that electronics only dream of being, but that's different. I need to be able to drive around places. Preferably in high luxury with an unreliable but prestigious brand name.

Wait, where was I? Who knows, but the urge finally overwhelmed me and I broke down and picked up a new TV to replace my 5 year old, 1,000 pound monstrosity that had been my constant CRT companion since 3 months before college graduation. In its stead, I have installed something even more outlandish - one of those widescreen plasma behemoths, in a diagonal screen size that I refuse to even mention, except to say that it's more viewing real estate than one should probably expect in an IMAX theatre.

You'd think that such a financially destructive move would leave me sobbing and gasping for air the second the credit card statement came in, complete with the wailing and gnashing of teeth, ending with an artful but well coordinated fall onto a fainting couch. But instead, several things have conspired to make this one of the best purchases I've ever made and quite possibly the only one that I've never once had a recriminating thought about.

I got a spectacular deal: I obsessively tracked online and newspaper deals for months, never pulling the trigger but constantly on high alert. You can ask anyone who was around me for the months of December to March - I would not shut up about pricing points and the benefits of plasma vs. LCD. It was like living around a Best Buy Associate gone mad. And to top it off, every 20 minutes I would do a scan of the deal sites for those quick fire-sale internet site deals . I never seemed to find any good TV ones, but I did manage to make several completely insane purchases at super low costs. A small sample of which includes: 10 pairs of designer sunglasses for $8.99, two cute shorty-short Penguin swimsuits (retail value $123) for $19.98 total, and two free decks of collectible trading cards (because I'm 12).

Then finally I stumbled upon a super deal for a TV 4 inches larger than my target size, for less than $100 above my allowable budget. I snapped that thing up so fast that the keyboard practically smoked. I was pretty impressed with myself at the time (usually a purchase that large would require hours of agonizing and rationalization) for making the decision so quickly, but now I just worry that my impulse control is going downhill.
No sales tax on the internet, and they shipped, delivered, and helped me get thing into my living room FOR FREE. Which were the parts I was most worried about to be sure. Because my new car has only one disadvantage to the Truck of Malfunction, and that would be that it can't carry large-scale electronics. Plus I am a 150lb weakling in the worst way, and there are several stairs involved in reaching my apartment. Like, more than 8 of them. So seriously, free delivery and installation was just like Christmas, except the fat man involved was wearing a weight belt and driving a moving van, instead of a red suit and a sleigh. I did end up giving him a cookie, though.
I was able to sell the old giant TV to offset some of the cost: Roommate Frank got his network going and he managed to arrange the liquidation of my old monolith, which I firmly had expected to be a sunk cost. So really, it was like I got 20% off the sales price right there. Roommate Frank is awesome. (Also it was good to see my old TV friend go to a nice home. With room for him to run around and other TVs to play with, I assume.)
HD TV is the best thing in the world: No really. I can't really explain it, but everything is better in HD. I am less offended by bad sitcoms when viewed in widescreen and sharp definition. I am less incensed at terrible Mavs games when I can see the sweat on Dirk's face so clearly. Watching How It's Made on the new TV comes so close to fulfilling my dream of working in an assembly factory that I can basically pretend I'm right there in the warehouse.

And I'll stop there, but you get the drift. Not for a single second have I regretted my wild bout of spending, a feeling which is both joyous and terrifying at once: This is totally how shopping addictions get started, isn't it? First the deal hunting, then the buying of useless but cheap things (what do I need 10 pairs of sunglasses for?), then the large purchase that brings nothing but joy. It's a slippery euphoric slope.

We'll see how it goes, but I think I have it under control.

In unrelated news, has anyone got a line on a good Blu-ray player?

And Then He Died

2009-03-03T10:52:00.003-06:00

I hate New Year's resolutions now. I used to like the idea of having a goal for the year, only to piss away any chance of reaching that goal within a couple of weeks. It made me feel very motivated, for exactly those two weeks. But starting in 2009, I wasn't going to do that sort of thing anymore. Instead, I was content to live with my mediocre expectations year-in and year-out.

Weirdly though, this year Jordan's new apartment lease happened to start the first of year, and coincidentally the apartment complex opened up a kick-ass new gym right there on the grounds within a week of his move-in. Thus, I have inadvertently wandered into a kept-resolution-type scenario, insofar as I have been going to the gym regularly for two months now starting January 1. It probably only counts as the Alanis-Non-Irony kind of justice, but I like it anyways.

Spoons when you want a knife :: keeping a resolution only after disavowing them forever.

I should write a song.

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Last week Jordan was feeling under the weather, so I ended up going to the gym alone on Monday. I've taken a new approach to gym-work this time, focusing on running and similar cardiovascular things instead of weight lifting. Mostly because lately I've been really worried that when the zombie apocalypse comes, I will be way too far out of shape to outrun the mindless hordes of brain devourers. And everyone knows that muscles don't do any good against a screaming army of the undead. The only real hope is to escape - something that my easily-winded-by-a-short-staircase self would be unable to accomplish.

So running it is.

Usually I hate it, but I've slowly been getting better, at least to the point where I no longer want to projectile vomit after every 30 minute session. I started at 2 miles, then upped it to 2.5 after a month, and on Monday I was shooting for the full 3 miles, only mildly worried that my heart might explode right there in front of the scary yoga lady and her even scarier devotees.

I made it through both of the first two miles relatively easily, spurred on by my excellent iPod Zombie Escaping Playlist(TM). The third mile was by far the hardest, and I was starting to seriously drag. Not even mind-conjured images of 26 Days Later were helping. By that point the yoga class had dispersed, it was only me, one girl on a treadmill, and a guy in the weight lifting area left in the gym.

To understand what follows, you have to understand that I really hate running. Really. The only way I can convincingly keep myself going when I'm tired is to sync in with the music I'm listening to and focus on a fixed point in the mid-distance. A proper mix-tape (such as my ZEP) will be properly calibrated to pick the most likely point of exhaustion (minute 22) as the time to start rising - faster songs, louder, more bass, a good drum set, and I can usually power through to the end. The only side-effect to this is that I might sometimes get a little too into the music.

Not like singing along (I avoid at least that much), but I may swing my arms more forcefully to the beat, or do a little swaying/head bobbing along with the running. It probably looks a little weird (and gives off the impression that I may at any point collapse and/or fall off the moving treadmill) but it works.

Except in this particular instance, I was sweating so profusely that I had to set my iPod up on the treadmill display, cannily thinking that it might slip from my overly-slick hand mid-run, causing disaster and loss of being in the Music/Running Zone.

Item that I did not consider: Placing the iPod on the display left a conspicuous and intrusive white cord from my ears down to the treadmill. And in my Zoning, I overly emphasized the shooting part of M.I.A's Paper Planes with my arms, and swung right through the cord.

From what I can work out (CSI-style in my mind), the recreation of the physics worked thusly: My left arm swung down, yanking the cord to the iPod with it. The earbuds, being far more secured than the iPod itself, held in place. So instead the iPod was pulled down with the cord - only when it reached the edge of the display it popped upwards before it's eventual downward fall. At which point it disconnected from the headphones entirely, shot out projectile-like over my shoulder, behind me, across the gym, and then skidded to a stop at the feet of the guy over in the weights area.

This whole scenario took approximately 1.2 seconds, plus skidding time.

In reaction I glance back and forth like a dog shaking water off its head, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. I finally twist my head all the way around and see the big muscle-bound guy with his head cocked and staring at the strange tiny red device in front of him with a confused look on his face. I lose my balance on the treadmill and manage to artfully twist my left ankle before recovering an eighth of my dignity by not face-planting right then and there. I extract myself from the machine, and sheepishly go collect my iPod from the mildly amused but still confused guy, apologizing like mad and trying not to fall over dead from exhaustion/embarrassment.

Both he and the girl on the other treadmill eye me warily as I walk back to my machine, both still unsure as to why I seemingly threw my iPod across the room at him. Rather than attempt an explanation (I've learned that it never goes well) I just apologized again and tried to finish up the end of my run, limping like a crazy man. I abandoned the attempt after a couple minutes, and bolted from the room, never to return.

-------------------

Actually I still go back (it's a really nice gym). But now whenever I walk in, I'm perpetually terrified that either of them will be there and soon the whispering and pointing will begin. Hushed words about 'iPod throwers' will swirl around me and I'll need to run away, possibly crying, and deciding the change my name and appearance.

But so far that hasn't happened. And now I've switched over to the elliptical machines, which don't hurt my ankle and more importantly keep my hands occupied at all times, so everyone can see that I won't be throwing any musical devices anytime soon.

That way everyone wins.

A Brief Oscar Follow Up

2009-02-24T11:56:00.004-06:00

I have mostly nothing to say about The Oscars, except that I pretty much uniformly enjoyed this year's ceremony, much more so than usual, even if the winners were a bit predictable.

Best Bits (In order of Bestness):

Anne Hathaway! God, I love her. Totally being the best part of the intro pretending to be Nixon, getting all choked up at Shirley MacLaine's tribute, and then looking genuinely happy for Kate Winslet when she won. She completes me.
Dustin Lance Black, and that super cute (and political) speech. Definitely the best one of the night.
Sean Penn. Not only did he win, he was sort of charming about it! I was absolutely dreading my mixed feelings of happiness and loathing if he won and then gave a douchey speech, but instead it was all happiness. Good for him.
Tina Fey & Steve Martin. The best presenters by a mile, and genuinely funny.
The part of the opening dance number when Hugh Jackman was all "The Reader... I haven't seen The Reader" and all the crazy metallic dancing guys. Possibly the only time I laughed out loud during the whole show.
No wait, I also laughed when Will Smith said "Boom goes the dynamite."
James Franco watching James Franco. If Anne Hathaway hadn't already completed me, he would do the job.
Kate Winslet winning and being ultra cute and having her dad whistle. I am really glad she finally won one.

Overall this was one of my favorite Oscars ever, even if you factor in the parts where the random Musical Tribute to Music and Zac Effron's really unfortunate looking hair. It's weird, I really didn't care about the awards much as all, but the viewing experience was pretty awesome.

A Music Post for No One's Benefit

2009-02-06T11:40:00.003-06:00

Aw man, I totally didn't do an end of the year round-up of my favorite new music for 2008. And now that it's February, that boat has obviously sailed.

So instead, we're going to do a round up entitled Music That I'm Listening to Right Now, Which Suspiciously Looks Like a List of My Top Ten Favorite Albums of 2008, But Whatever, You Can't Prove Anything, Direct All Questions to My Attorney.

It's a pretty good list.

My Top Ten Albums Right Now, All of Which Coincidentally Came Out in 2008

#10 Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs : What a strange CD this is. I'm a self-acknowledged bandwagon jumper here - I was never a Ben Gibbard fan except in the Postal Service sort of way until all the hype swung me over about 2 years ago, so I can't pretend to have some deep understanding of the band. But I liked Transatlanticism approximately 500% more than this album. That said though, it still ranks easily as one of the better things released last year. Sort of haunting and sad, with just the right amount of, um, is bitter-wistfulness even a thing? Whatever, a good-to-great album.

#9 Lykke Li - Youth Novels : Talk about coming out of nowhere - this is one of those albums that someone sort of offhandedly suggested that I might like to try, and now suddenly I cannot stop listening to it. Mostly for the one single, Little Bit, which is inspired and and ungodly amount of catchy. But the whole album is shockingly good too, so long as you ignore the spoken word sections. Try it out.

#8 The 88 - Not Only... But Also : So The 88 album Over and Over is probably the single CD that I've listened to more times in the last two years than anything else. It's endlessly entertaining and so so catchy. Their follow-up is also their first major release and it's... I guess 'really good' is the cheap phrase I'm looking for. It's more refined than Over and Over, but it's also more processed, more commercial, and not as super amazing. Never more evident than when they took one of the songs from Over and Over (Coming Home) and re-recorded it by processing the hell out of it and making it 50% worse than before. But overall, it's a great CD, and has one of my favorite songs of all 2008 on it: No One Here.

#7 Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend : I'm pretty sure there has never been a band that has so quickly risen to popularity and then crashed down under the backlash as fast as Vampire Weekend. They were the hip new thing back in the Fall of 2007, before their album ever came out, and by the time it actually hit stores in January '08, they were so overplayed and oversaturated that everyone hated their guts. Me, I still can't get enough of this CD. The crazy vocals, the awesome catchy baselines, the fact that their most famous lyric is "who gives a fuck about an oxford comma," all of it. Why will no one else love this album but me?

#6 Adele - 19 : If this were actually a list of best albums from 2008, I would most certainly be making a comment right here about how it's hard to remember that this CD came out this year, because it feels like I've been listening to this album for half my life now. Seriously, it's so so so good, that it makes my teeth hurt. (Also, here's link to JD, who I begrudgingly acknowledge pointed me to the album. Doesn't it just kill you when someone else finds the best music of the year before you?). By far, the best debut album I've heard in the last couple of years. So polished and smart-sounding, without any of the current standby tricks of new artists. Recommended so hard.

#5 Ben Folds - Way to Normal : Now this is a good way for an iconic band to behave (take note Weezer down there). Despite the fact that it's a very experimental and different sound, it's wholly Ben Folds, and very well done, if wildly uneven. Some of it sounds like old Ben Folds Five stuff, one song sounds like an outtake from Rocking the Suburbs, but overall it still has that grown up feel of Songs for Silverman, all while trying something new. The problems with hte album all stem from the fact that some of the songs are just... (and I don't want to sound mean here but) they're bad. Errant Dog is kinda dumb on its face, and The Frown song is terribly out of place on this album. They're jarring, and mar what is otherwise absolutely brilliant. Not that that really matters to me, because let's be honest: it has a song wherein Regina Spektor and Ben Folds duet. When your two favorite artists in the entire world do a song together, that means you love the CD as if it's your child. It's like a rule.

#4 The Hush Sound - Goodbye Blues : I know I've said it before and I'll continue to say it - I am always shocked that The Hush Sound isn't as popular as I think they should be. I don't get it. Their songs are incredibly catchy, and almost tailor-made for radio airtime. They have two smoking hot lead singers (one girl and one guy to appeal to all demographics). And both of their last two albums have been brilliant and complete, with maybe two bad songs across three CDs. But whatever, Goodbye Blues is excellent, smarter than your average album, and varied enough to constantly keep you guessing. My only complaint is that Robert Morris (the guy lead singer) doesn't get a song until all the way to the middle of CD, which initially scared the crap out of me because the songs he fronts are invariably my favorites.

#3 Noah and the Whale - Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down : Sweet baby Jesus, this album is inhabiting my soul lately. I dunno, usually I am immune to that sort of hippie, melody, ukulele-and-trumpet-included massive troupe band archetype (i.e. Arcade Fire, Polyphonic Spree) but this one not only stuck with me, it won't go away. It's so good, and a little sad, and a little hilarious, then really happy and love-sickening, and then back around to sad again. What I'm saying is that I can't describe how or why, but I love this album.

#2 Kings of Leon - Only by the Night : So it took more than 4 different attempts at getting through this CD before I even came close to liking it. And now it's, no joke my 2nd favorite album that came out in 2008. I don't know where the turnaround came from, but it sticks with me now. I think it must have to do with the lead singer's voice, which I tend to liken now to 'sex of the eardrum variety.' If you can tell, I'm a little bit excited about this band nowadays.

#1 Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer : I know I'm an inveterate over-promoter of music. When something I love gets to me, I become the prophet who won't stop talking about it. But this is totally different - you need this CD. It's amazing, passionate, real, and a little jagged. I will heap mounds of praise on this CD to the ends of the earth.

Also, 5 Runner Up Albums That Barely Missed the List

#11 Jonas Brothers - A Little Bit Longer : How about y'all just leave me alone, okay. I love this CD. At first I thought I did so in a cool, campy-ironic sort of way, and then I realized that, yeah, not so much. Sure, most of it is pop trash, but it's great pop trash. Whatever! At least I didn't put it in the Top 10. Don't look at me like that. Why must you be so hateful?

#12 Dresden Dolls - No, Virginia... : The least hyped CD in the history of CD's - enough so that I didn't know it had come out until a full 3 months after release and I happened to be wandering through the Youtubes and found a mention of a studio-produced version of a song I had only heard live before. It's good, but no where near as cohesive as Yes, Virginia, the companion album from last year.

#13 Weezer - Weezer (Red Album) : This album should not be this low, but because I have such terribly high standards for Weezer these days, and nothing they could do would live up to it, it's graded as such. Also, because I hate Rivers Cuomo's new facial hair with a fiery passion. But there are things here that are great, and catchy, just not as iconic as they once were. That's not a crime, just a little disappointing.

#14 She and Him - Volume One : This one I've been on the fence with since I bought it. On one hand it's a little simplistic. Pretty much as bare-bones accompaniment as possible and nothing but Zooey Deschanel's voice to go on. On the other hand, her voice is pretty much awesome beyond description. I guess the fact that I have had it on my iPod rotation nonstop since I bought it means that I fall on the good side of the fence.

#15 The Cab - Whisper War : Dude, I know, I'm as surprised as you. Chalk it up to my weakness for NSYNC type boybands, or to these two ridiculously catchy singles Bounce and I'll Run. But it's a good CD, and at the end of the ~~year~~ day, they're one my big time new bands to watch.

A Book Post for My Own Benefit

2009-02-05T15:11:00.002-06:00

So a few days back, Erin made a post about the Science Fiction and Fantasy section of The Guardian's '1000 Novels Everyone Must Read' series. Despite the fact that I think the entire process is completely ridiculous, I do love a good list of recommended science fiction, since my blind forays into the science fiction and fantasy sections of the library almost always end in terrifying disappointment and/or talking spirit wolves.

So, as a sort of exercise in keeping these things easily at my fingertips, and a chance to write up a little short form review of each, I'm making up a list of the books on the list I've already read, the ones I've tried to read and given up on, and the ones that I plan on reading in the coming days.

Plus as a bonus to myself, since we're still so early in the year, I'm going to make it my goal to get through the whole 'Planning to Read' section by the end of the year. Goals are awesome.

(Everything below the cut, because lord knows no one needs to read this whole thing)

Already Read
Douglas Adams: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Everyone's read it, so it's doubtful I could say anything important. Hilarious and unique, some of the most inventive prose and stories around. Pure love.

Isaac Asimov: Foundation - Almost certainly the driest book on the list. I made it through the trilogy, but it was almost a chore. Starts well and then fades, but still a classic.

Clive Barker: Weaveworld - Cliver Barker was basically the author of an entire phase of my high school reading life that I entitled: Super Weird Fantasy Time. This actually came out when I was in college and so the bloom was a little off the rose (I look back at some of his early stuff with total incredulity), but it's actually a pretty damn good book. I was shocked to see it on this list, though.

Lewis Carroll: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Read it for a paper in college, thought it was about as boring as you could get, and yet it's beautifully written and eminently quotable.

Michael Chabon: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay - My favorite book in the entire world.

Susanna Clarke: Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell - Brilliant, but overlong. So many asides and subtle bits of humor it's astonishing. It was great to dig through once, but I don't think I'll ever bring myself to pull it off the shelf again. It's just too daunting.

Mark Danielewski: House of Leaves - Pure style and one of the scariest books I've ever read at times. That said, it thinks itself more important than it is, and some of the semiotics stuff is just filler. Still a great, great read.

Umberto Eco: Foucault's Pendulum - Picked this up based on its cover in the library in Orange of all things. Probably the book I was most proud of reading back in high school.

Neil Gaiman: American Gods - So good that I read it through twice, back to back. I don't think I've ever done that to a single other book. Still the best Gaiman thing to ever happen, in my opinion.

William Gibson: Neuromancer - Groundbreaking, but I read it way late in my science fiction career, so it seemed outdated. Still important to read.

William Golding: Lord of the Flies - Read it for high school. Respect it, but it makes me sad.

M John Harrison: Light - One of the only books I've ever read based on an author recommendation on the cover (it was Neil Gaiman, actually) and was completely blown away. One of my favorite novels in recent times.

Aldous Huxley: Brave New World - Read it for high school (twice) and college (once). I guess I'll never understand the allure of this book. Sorry.

Shirley Jackson: The Haunting of Hill House - Genuinely scary. I always forget how much I like Shirley Jackson's writing, and then when it's brought up, I'm almost at a loss for words.

Stephen King: The Shining - Probably the best written of King's earlier stuff. Second scariest, behind It. I've probably read this book at least 5 times. It's crazy good.

Toni Morrison: Beloved - My second favorite book that I was required to read at SMU (First: The Things They Carried). Such an interesting and unique story, and brilliantly written. It also holds the distinction of being the source of the worst grade I ever got on a paper in college (B-), despite the fact that I still think my analysis was spot on.

Audrey Niffenegger: The Time Traveler's Wife - I've talked about this before: I don't know if it was just my mental state, or the story, or the writing, but I straight up cried like a baby for the last 80 pages of this novel, and was an absolute wreck afterward. Enough so that I refuse to go back and read it again. So, I guess that counts as an endorsement?

Chuck Palahniuk: Fight Club - Ugh, lord save me from overly-stylized writing. Actually, not as bad as I'm probably projecting. I remember liking some of the trickier passages. But on the whole, I sort of wanted to punch this book in the face.

Alastair Reynolds: Revelation Space - In my mind this is the golden standard for all books in the Space Opera genre. Long and deeply engrossing, interesting characters, and a wholly realized and brilliant universe. I was so so so pleased to see this on the list.

JK Rowling: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - I get why it's on the list. It's still, by far, my least favorite of the series.

Salman Rushdie: The Satanic Verses - Read this back as a senior in high school for one of the final papers for AP English, when we were allowed to choose whatever we wanted. It's interesting as hell, but I think most of it went right over my head.

Antoine de Sainte-Exupéry: The Little Prince - Read it for French class. It still makes me sad, just thinking about it. I don't know why.

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein - Easily the best 'classical work' on the list, in my opinion. I love the way this story reads.

Dan Simmons: Hyperion - Oh man, I was so in love with this book when I read it. But I still haven't read any of the sequels, and the plot twist/cliffhanger ending of this book still haunts me. But yeah, should totally be here; it's one of the best pieces of science fiction I've ever read.

Neal Stephenson: Snow Crash - The most bad-assed science fiction book ever. It's lost its luster a bit in my mind, but no one can doubt the way it zips along, and just grabs you by the collar.

Robert Louis Stevenson: The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde - Ugh, I was not a fan.

Bram Stoker: Dracula - Eh. I read it just so I could say that I read it. I didn't really see the allure.

Mark Twain: A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court - Probably my favorite Twain book of all. So interesting, and it keeps that Twain style that is so unique. Never takes more than two sentences to know exactly who the author is with him.

HG Wells: The Time Machine
HG Wells: The War of the Worlds - I read both of these together for the same assignment in high school. They're both good, but dated.

Tried and Gave Up

Greg Bear: Darwin's Radio - I have people who swear by Greg Bear the same way I swear by Alastair Reynolds, but I couldn't get more than 40 pages into this book.

Anthony Burgess: A Clockwork Orange - Tried to read to so that I could say that I'd read it, and was completely thrown off by the prose so hard that I returned it practically the next day.

Douglas Coupland: Girlfriend in a Coma - I loved Jpod with a fiery passion. Hey Nostradamus was brilliant and interesting. Girlfriend in a Coma made me want to kill myself before I was halfway through with the book. Stopped and never looked back.

Frank Herbert: Dune - This is on two lists, because I tried and then gave up in high school, but I've had so many people lately bring this book up that I'm determined to go back and finish it off.

Daniel Keyes: Flowers for Algernon - I remember picking this up for a comparative literature essay my freshman year, but I don't think I ever finished it. I certainly barely remember any of it if I did. But I have no desire to revisit it.

Cormac McCarthy: The Road - By far the book that the most people have recommended I read. I've tried several times - it's just the bleakest thing in the world. I can't make it, guys. Sorry.

Planning to Read
Nicola Barker: Darkmans
Poppy Z Brite: Lost Souls
Philip K Dick: The Man in the High Castle
Philip K Dick: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Joe Haldeman: The Forever War
Frank Herbert: Dune
Henry James: The Turn of the Screw
PD James: The Children of Men
Richard Matheson: I Am Legend
Haruki Murakami: The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - I have had this on request at the library for 3 months. I'm going to have to break down and just buy a copy, aren't I?
Christopher Priest: The Prestige
José Saramago: Blindness
Kurt Vonnegut: Slaughterhouse-Five - Ha, this isn't on the list, but it was mentioned in there, and I've been meaning to read it for ages.

Instant Oscars Review

2009-01-22T09:35:00.003-06:00

I was so close this year, y'all. Within one movie of meeting my goal of seeing all the Oscar level movies I was gunning for before nominations came out. Damn you, The Reader! The Nazis always ruin everything.

So now, as always, I'll have to do initial impressions on the nominations without my hoped for level of movie seeing. Be prepared for some ultra crazy strong opinions of things I haven't come close to understanding.

Blogging! It's fantastic!

We'll start with the lesser categories, picking and choosing the ones that I have any opinion on, and then move on to the fancy acting ones where I will wail and gnash my teeth endlessly.

Original Screenplay
Frozen River, Written by Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky, Written by Mike Leigh
In Bruges, Written by Martin McDonagh
Milk, Written by Dustin Lance Black
WALL-E, Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter

Only seeing 2 of the 5, I can't have a real opinion on this, but I think I would like to see WALL-E win out, although I have heard good things about In Bruges. But seriously, even though I love Milk with all my heart, the screenplay was straight up the worst thing about that movie.

Adapted Screenplay
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
Doubt, Written by John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon, Screenplay by Peter Morgan
The Reader, Screenplay by David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire, Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy

See, if I had seen The Reader already, I could give a very convincing statement about this category (since I basically refuse to go see that Benjamin Button movie), but instead I'll just have to wing it. I thought that Slumdog Millionaire, while amazing, did not have the best writing; it was really the story that pushed it along. And while I love the dialogue in Frost/Nixon, the screenplay was waaay to stage-adapted for my tastes. Whereas I thought Doubt brilliantly handled the conversion to the screen, while keeping the strong dialogue intact.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
WALL-E

Don't even play with me. WALL-E should be a best picture nominee, if there was any justice in the world. I do kinda want to see Bolt, though. Just a little.

Achievement in Directing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, David Fincher
Frost/Nixon, Ron Howard
Milk, Gus Van Sant
The Reader, Stephen Daldry
Slumdog Millionaire, Danny Boyle

This one I'm probably least objective about, but I would absolutely love it if Danny Boyle won. Not only because his movie is brilliantly shot, but he also made Sunshine and 28 Days Later, two of my absolute favorite movies ever.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams in Doubt
Penélope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis in Doubt
Taraji P. Henson in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

Now this right here is a perfectly fine category. I don't have a single objection to list, although I would have killed to get Rosemary Dewitt in there for Rachel Getting Married. Or Debra Winger. God, I really loved that movie. Anyways, I'm super jazzed about both of those Doubt noms, and I think Viola Davis will take it in a walk. Maybe last year will start a trend in this category: the best performance of the year will actually win.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin in Milk
Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt
Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road

And here we pause and take a quiet moment to grieve over my one great hope for the Oscars - no Emile Hirsch for Milk. I know it was hopeless, but still, I'm a little sad. Otherwise, though, it's a good category. Obviously Ledger will win, and everyone will be happy (and sad). But take note y'all. Every year, without fail, when I've seen 4 of the 5 nominations in this category and liked them all, the 5th one that I hadn't seen has won. On 3 separate occasions this has happened. What I'm saying is, watch out for Michael Shannon here.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie in Changeling
Melissa Leo in Frozen River
Meryl Streep in Doubt
Kate Winslet in The Reader

Winslet is the one to beat here, I think. Which is awesome, since I irrationally love her and only want good things to happen to her. And I'm still bitter 3 or 4 years later that she didn't win for Eternal Sunshine. But I'm really pulling for Anne Hathaway in a way that almost shocks me. Such a good performance, I want her to win so bad. Did you see her give that toast? I almost melted. The rest of them, though, eh. Streep was good, but of all 4 acting noms for Doubt, I liked hers the least. I have no desire to ever see The Changling. And I've heard off-the-wall amazing praise for Melissa Leo, but I doubt there will ever even be the opportunity for me to see that movie.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins in The Visitor
Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn in Milk
Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler

Another one where I don't really have a horse in the race. Obviously I've come to terms with it, and really want Sean Penn to win, but otherwise I'm not going to care too much. I guess I am going to have to see The Wrestler, even though I know it's only going to end badly and make me want to cry (I've learned my lesson: Darren Aronofsky lives only to make movies that depress the crap out of me).

Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Weirdly, I thought this would be a lot closer in my mind, but it's Milk all the way. Slumdog Millionaire is the dark horse, and was great, but I've only got eyes for the one (although I still need to see The Reader). I mentioned it earlier, but I really and truly have no desire or inclination to see that Benjamin Button movie. It looks long, and unappealing, and ever since one of my friends told me that the plot basically mirrors Forrest Gump, I've actively tried to not see it. Which has sort of put a damper on my Oscar fever this year, since it's nominated in basically every category.

Ah well.

Better luck next year.

Big Honking Movie List 2008

2008-12-24T13:02:00.007-06:00

Woo for annual traditions. As always, this is the list of every new movie I saw that was technically released in 2008. The list is then sorted by order of preference and divided into 5 categories: Hate, Dislike, Eh, Good, and Great. Theoretically this helps me sort out my feelings as we enter into serious awards time, but as usual it's mostly just an arbitrary mish-mash of conflicting emotions. (Which is better Stop-Loss, or Baby Mama? Of course there is a right answer!)

And also, wow, my movie consumption is way, way down this year. Mostly due to the removal of the Blockbuster membership, but really that's no excuse. My pop culture knowledge is at an all time low.

Anyways, on with the listing!

Movies that I Actively Hated
32. Prom Night
31. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Movies that I Just Disliked
30. Appaloosa (Man, I just do not like Renee Zellweger's squinty face anymore, apparently)
29. Mad Money (Oh, Queen Latifah. How the cast of Chicago has fallen.)
28. Hancock
27. Leatherheads (see: notes for #29 and #30. Confidential to John K - Don't take it personal, I still love you. But seriously, make better movies.)

Movies that I am Basically Ambivalent Towards
26. Charlie Bartlett (wins the award for movie I was certain had come out at least two years ago)
25. Ghost Town
24. Wanted (huge downgrade from my initial impression, but now all I focus on is the Loom of Fate. I can't even remember what James McAvoy looked like minus a shirt. So sad.)
23. Semi-Pro

Movies that were "Good," on a Very Loose Scale that Tightens as We Move Up
22. 27 Dresses (*sigh* the things I do for James Marsden)
21. The Spiderwick Chronicles
20. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
19. The Incredible Hulk (gets a huge bump down on the list because I forgot that it even came out this year, but was still very good)
18. Definitely, Maybe
17. Get Smart
16. Baby Mama
15. Stop Loss (gets a huge bump for being the movie I remember the most that I didn't really like this year)
14. Pineapple Express
13. Hamlet 2 (time has also been very kind to this movie. All I remember is Rock Me Sexy Jesus at this point)
12. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
11. Twilight (DON'T JUDGE ME)
10. Brideshead Revisited (gets the award for most moved around on the list, because I can't decide how much I liked it)

Movies That Were Excellent
9. Frost/Nixon
8. Iron Man
7. Tropic Thunder
6. The Dark Knight
5. Doubt
4. Cloverfield
3. Rachel Getting Married
2. WALL-E
1. Milk

Some specific notes on the top of the list:

Gigantic downgrade to Frost/Nixon, as when I started this list I had it around #3, but realized that I didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as I thought on first consideration.
6, 7, & 8 are all basically subtitled 'Summer fare that was far better than summer fare has any right to be.' No lie, I spent 15 minutes rearranging their three positions in sequence. I cannot pick between them. In the end, I put DK first because of Heath Ledger's acting, Tropic Thunder second because of Robert Downey Jr's acting, and Iron Man third because of Robert Downey Jr's acting. (Wait...)
I feel like Doubt is in the right place now, because I place acting above direction in terms of importance. I could very easily see it dropping down below Frost/Nixon though, once the dust settles in my mind.
Cloverfield is the wild card - probably the movie I enjoyed the most this year, even though empirically it's pretty bad. In other words, it's this years She's The Man.
The top three are a toss-up. Rachel is probably the best acted movie of the year, and the most affecting, but it has serious pacing issues and rambles off topic too easily. Wall-E is the most enjoyable of the three, but has moralizing issues that keep it down. Milk is an amalgam of the strengths and weaknesses of the other two, but I think in the end it is the most complete and important of them all.

Some general notes to close things up:

By far the fewest movies in a year since I graduated college.
Very few movies I hated this year (I'm stretching with Madagascar, which truth be told was not as horrible as I expected)
There was just a glut of middling-ly good comedies this year, weren't there? And I didn't even see a bunch of them that I meant to (Zach & Miri, Nick & Nora, etc.)
Things that I still plan on seeing before the end of the year: Slumdog Millionaire, Repo! The Genetic Opera, and The Reader/Revolutionary Road (so I can get my Kate Winslet fix)

Short-form Reviews Turned Long: Doubt, Frost/Nixon

2008-12-22T09:36:00.002-06:00

(So I was trying to write up both these movies for the side panel, and they ended up being so long that they bumped everything else off the main page. Thus, we try alternate text layouts.)

Anyways, as is my regular custom, the last two weeks of the year are easily the busiest I get as far as movies are concerned. The combination of freezing cold, Oscar contenders, and wild shopping stress make for the perfect time to hide for hours at a time in a darkened theater.

This last week I saw Frost/Nixon and Doubt on back to back nights. Their number of similarities are stunning, and they make for a good pair to review in tandem. It also doesn't hurt that both are near the top of my list of best movies this year (which totally isn't getting posted until January this year, because I am extraordinarily lazy right now).

The short-form reviews first:

Frost/Nixon - Tight, powerfully written and acted. The direction is... I guess competent is the word. Good, not great, and I take issue with a couple the devices that frame the whole movie (primarily the use of the documentary-style interviews to intercut tense in-the-moment scenes of action). Frank Langella is in the fight of the year in my mind right now for Best Actor with Sean Penn. Crazy, crazy good performance. Really, everyone brought it to this movie. Sam Rockwell was particularly great despite some tough, almost caricature-level lines to work with. I'd have to say the weakest link in the whole cast was Kevin Bacon, and that was more a failing of the script than the acting, since he had so few lines to develop a ton of character, and it just didn't come through.

Actually that's the only real quibble I have with the whole movie (besides the documentary interview thing - seriously that bugged me) - the way every character that was not Frost or Nixon basically was given a three line summary as characterization and then basically acted as a cardboard cutout through the rest of the movie. I understand that the movie needs focus, and it really is only about them, but I wish there could have been more depth on the sides.

Still, an excellent movie over all. Funny, dramatic, and interesting from start to finish.

Doubt - Grabs you early and never lets go. It's surprising, because the plot description doesn't sound like it would be that compelling. Head nun at a Catholic school suspects an inappropriate relationship between a boy and the local priest (who she already really dislikes). Frankly, it sounds like it would lead to nothing but scene after scene of religious moralizing and speechifying, which is the opposite of what I'm looking for in a movie. But the screenplay avoids almost all of that. Instead we get a real inspection of the nature of doubt and certainty, as played through three complex character-studies. It's unexpectedly enthralling.

I'll try not to gush too much on the acting, but yeah, it's ridiculous. Meryl Streep knocking down the stereotype of stereotypes as the head nun, evening out a characature into a person, by sheer will of personality, basically. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the one who does all the heavy lifting - making sure that everything stays in doubt throughout the whole movie, jumping from guilty to innocent just by the change of an expression. Without him, the movie could have been ruined. And even Amy Adams, who gets an absolute clunker of a character (she is officially type-cast and the naive optimistic one, after Junebug, Enchanted, and now this), manages to steal a few moments to shine, digging into the tiny allowances her part gives her to keep it from being as one-note as it might be.

And I haven't even gotten to Viola Davis, who gets two scenes and like 10 minutes of the movie, but owns the entire thing. Really, it's just unbelievable. I can't do it justice.

I'll go ahead and rail against the film for a while though - it's by no means a great movie. The direction is terrible. Terrible. Shots taken at an angle for no real reason, except to be arty. Heavy handed literal metaphors every other second. I can't stress that part enough - if you were able to go on the merits of acting and script, I would rate this among the best movies ever. As is, with the ham-fisted imagery and shot selection, it's going to drop so far down my list, I have a hard time keeping it in my top 5 this year without wincing. That's just unendingly depressing.

Still, possibly the most worthwhile viewing experience of this entire year (provided you have already gone to see Milk).

---------------

Okay, so that was a complete lie, those reviews were like the opposite of short-form. But they get the individual parts out of the way so I can ramble on about their similarities. Both come from Tony winning plays, and it's very easy to see their roots. Frost/Nixon has the ultra powerful phone call scene, Doubt has both the rainstorm confrontation and the mother vs. nun revelation scene - all amazing things that are done without a spec of action, and are basically nothing but monologues or huge intercut speeches. Not that this is a bad thing (I love great theater) but sometimes it can take you out of the natural moment of the movie. Example: Nixon's phone call soliloquy is brilliant, but even in the character of Nixon (who is prone to rambling eloquence) it seems calculated. Langella gives it his all, for sure, and it comes very close, but you could tell the audience was drawn away from immediacy of the moment, and was instead stuck on the speech. It certainly did not help that Frost's response it basically the same as ours - slack-jawed astonishment.

The whole things is uniformly better handled in Doubt, although Hoffman comes very close to blowing it with all of his yelling at the high points of conflict. The speechy-ness is mostly relegated to natural moments (obviously you're supposed to speechify in a sermon) and the real tough stage-level moments are handled brilliantly (see: Viola Davis' revelations, and one flawless tiny moment by Amy Adams and a student). Keeping stage characters is shockingly difficult (see: any high school production of Shakespeare ever) but when it's handled well, it can give you shivers.

Allow me a small moment for a digression - one of my favorite movies in the entire world is The History Boys, something that fits right into the exact same category as these two movies: brilliant plays adapted to the screen with minimal changes. Just like Frost/Nixon they even kept the original cast intact. But where these two mostly succeeded in avoiding the speech and soliloquy trap that a play naturally entails, The History Boys seemed to revel in it. Just straight-up 'let's stop for a moment because I feel like giving a speech.' And it destroys the rhythm and sense of the movie. Which kills me, because even as-is I find it a completely brilliant, funny, and real experience. Massaged and worked on long enough, it might have been an amazing film on its own right. Instead, it's terrific writing and great scenes, that combine to form a clunky, wheezing machine of a movie.

Okay, diversion mostly over.

The real question that I was trying to get to was: which movie succeeds more? Or which one was better? Yeah, I'm still not sure which question I'm trying to answer. I think in the end, Frost/Nixon is more accomplished, but less important, so it wins on both of those counts, even if it loses the battle for the one that is most compelling.

Obviously, I have issues with the direction of Doubt, which lowers it in my mind, especially in terms of success. But I also take issue with the lack of real accomplishment in Frost/Nixon. Yes, the story is endlessly interesting, but mostly because it's a retelling of a real life event. It has its drama provided for it. I can't help but think that it enjoys far too much of a built in advantage, particularly when there is no real revelation in the execution - even the brilliance that Langella teases out of Nixon isn't unexpected, just interesting. Frost and his cohorts follow the lines, fulfill their underdog role, and the movie winds down. Similarly, this is why I'm so hard on Milk as far as the movie's greatness goes - the story is so fascinating that you wonder if the movie is getting a pass because the plot it's given is enough to carry you along.

Doubt is technically the lesser movie, but has better acting, and makes you think more. I'm not sure how to rate these things into a quantifiable scale. Eh, in the end I still don't have any good answers, but I still have time to mull it over before I come to any hard conclusions. I mean, the Oscars don't happen until like March, right? Plenty of time.

Winter Back into Television (Week Christ It's Cold)

2008-12-15T11:39:00.005-06:00

How I Met Your Mother - Aw, they pretended to get into a fight! Okay, I was only mildly pleased with this episode, and that was mostly due to the fact that I have some weird unrelenting love for when Robin acts like a dork. I think maybe I'm just so trained to think of her as very serious-minded from the first two seasons that I'm completely into this ditzy regression over the next two. Whatever it is, her little scene where she goes from flirting with Barney to fleeing out the door was totally the highlight of the whole show for me. No, wait, that's a damn dirty lie. MARSHALL GOT A HAIRCUT! Thank the lord above, it's a near-Christmas miracle.

Survivor - Okay, two episodes this week, including the finale. The first one was pretty lame but kinda satisfying (mostly by including people blindfolded and wandering around bumping into things, which is always great TV), and then the second one was pretty awesome but totally unsatisfying (because the alliance fell, and good came close to triumphing before falling to bits).

I mean good goddamn, what a petty jury. Which yes, should not come as a surprise I know, but still. I'd like to think that good gameplay should be rewarded. Y'know, instead of just being as inoffensive as possible and sliding into the end on the sheer willpower of being the least threatening member of a big alliance that got smoked. Sugar played the hell out of that entire season - immunity idol finding, crazy good acting, organizing the most humiliating exit possible for the vile Randy, and basically just being a badass - and then she doesn't get a single vote in the end. Meanwhile Susie is a vote from winning, despite never doing anything ever. The only things I remember her doing the entire season were wandering completely off the blindfolded course with Crystal(seriously, so good) and then winning one immunity challenge.

I'm totally cool with Bob taking it in the end, I mean the guy had a knack for crafts and was overall pretty awesome. But seriously, did no one notice that the only reason that he was even in the finals was because Sugar brought him? Yeah, that was a horrible idea on her part, strategy-wise, but still. I'm just bitter in general over this show. Also, goddamn Probst, I hate him so much. (Just thought I'd throw that in there.)

The Office - Wow, I did not enjoy that one bit. Wait, no, I did enjoy when Kevin could only think of the good way that Meredith's alcoholism affected him. And the cold open with the fake wrapped desk. But everything else was terrible. Can we talk about the episode I missed last week instead? Because that was awesome. Oscar getting a full-on A-story (and being the most hilarious thing ever)? That bit about the lemonade stand in the opening sent me into an uncontrollable fit of giggles for the first 10 minutes of the show. Plus, you had Jim and Pam basically being horrible people, but still being just about the most adorable they've ever been, since season 2 pranking days. Oh and Michael with his fur coat at the end! Yeah, I'm just going to pretend that whole Christmas debacle never happened.

30 Rock - No seriously, I'll just show myself out. I am such a homer for this show, I can't even explain it. Even with the weakest B-plot possible (Liz's attempt at desperate Christmas goodwill backfiring) it still made me laugh so much that I kinda can't believe it. 16-8=8! "If I want to lick a hippie I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls."Jenna wanting to get out of the store "BEFORE SOMEONE RECOGNIZES ME." This show completes me in a way I didn't think possible.

RECAP
Because it's a short week, only one award this week:

Best Line
30 Rock - Tracy: "Well if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right."

No wait, it's actually:
30 Rock - Jenna: "Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group I have to put my foot down. Christmas is a sacred time for me and my surrogate family. So if you're willing to look four 25-year old gay guys in the eyes and tell them that we're not going to see New Kids on the Block at the Borgata, be my guest."

Or, no, really this one was best:
30 Rock - Jack: "What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote, 'What a great way to meet guys?'"

Anyways, yeah, I love 30 Rock.

Fall Back into Television (Week Infinity)

2008-12-08T13:11:00.003-06:00

How to tell it's officially the holiday season: You can eat an entire pizza from Schlotzsky's in a single sitting and not feel an ounce of remorse (since it's less than you've usually been eating per meal since Thanksgiving).

But this is not about my awesome lunch, this is about TV.

How I Met Your Mother - This is a catch up note, since I didn't watch anything last week and this week was a rerun. So the whole Naked Man episode. I dunno. On the one hand - gratuitous NPH nudity is never ever a bad thing. Plus, bonus Josh Radnor nudity as well. On the other hand - I straight up hated Marshall (and kind of still do) for that whole 'calling Robin a slut' thing. I dunno, it put me in a really bad mood. But back on the other hand, I kinda loved the list of reasons for sex. I think in the end I fall on the positive side of things, and just curse stupid Marshall privately.

Ugly Betty - Uh, exactly why do they keep trying to humanize Amanda? Or, more specifically, why do they humanize her approximately 3 times each season, and then in the next episode she's forgotten the lesson and goes back to her old (more fun) way of being? It's just getting tired. Still, a pretty decent episode over all. ("Bad Ronald" is very close to getting into every day vernacular around here) I still want more Marc, though, dammit. (Also more Justin.)

Grey's Anatomy - Yeah, so I said I would never watch this again last week, but then I was at Jordan's and he wanted to watch it, so I agreed, and it wasn't as nearly as bad as I made it out to be, although I still put my fingers in my ears and went "LALALALA" every time Katherine Heigl was onscreen. God, I love Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson so much it hurts sometimes.

Survivor - A necessary but completely boring episode, because of the continuing Ken alliance of reformed smartness. I say reformed, because what the heck were they attempting to pull there at the end for the end-around of yet another brilliantly crafted Bob Fake Idol? Now you've basically shown your hand to your alliance-mates for absolutely no reason, and it would have failed anyways (there aren't that many people left, guys. Count the votes). If he plays the resulting fallout correctly, I could totally see Bob pulling a super coup on this alliance. Not that it'll happen, but it's not out of the realm of possibility anymore. Dumb dumb dumb.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Hooooly crap. Okay, so the extreme home makeover episode wasn't ultra great (I really enjoyed Frank getting the edge for once and realizing exactly how bad it was going to get, but otherwise it was just standard fare), but damn if that Night Man musical wasn't just the best way possible to end the season. "I will smack your face off your face." The entire "Boy's soul" versus "Boy's hole" discussion. "We have to be careful about how we do the rape scene." Not even kidding, it might be my favorite episode of the whole series. Bravo. (Also, if you haven't, go watch the deleted scene, which prominently features the song "It's Nature (Shit Happens)." Trust me, you'll thank me later.)

30 Rock - And finally an episode with no big guest star this season. Totally on target and completely hilarious, although a shocking lack of Scott Adsit. I really love how they continue to push the underlying sexual tension between Fey and Baldwin for as many laughs as possible. I'm also shocked at how many one liners they're able to cram in to a single episode. I could basically fill this entire post with all the jokes this week. As you'll see in a second when we get to the awards section.

Amazing Race - I don't even want to discuss the penultimate episode, such is my deep sadness for Toni and Dallas. Damn, that made me so angry. But I did enjoy the finale, formulaic and expected, though it was. My second favorite team won, but considering that it was their destiny after winning basically every leg of the race, it was a little underwhelming. Ken and Tina were cute, the Frat boys were appropriately humble and nice about their lagging third place finish, and Phil was completely on his game at the end. A satisfying ending to a lackluster season. But man, Toni and Dallas weren't even at the finish line. Are they still stuck in Russia, like, right now?

Things I Missed - The Office. Woe unto me, and so forth.

RECAP

Best Episode of the Week:
It's Always Sunny - The Night Man Cometh

Best Line of the Week:
30 Rock - Random High School Alumnae: "Still think I'm 'gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun?'" (But only because this comic came out in the same week.)
Oh So Many Runner's Up:
It's Always Sunny - Charlie: "I will smack your face off your face."
30 Rock - Jenna: "I would have gone to my reunion but the boat I was educated on sank."
It's Always Sunny - Mac: (In response to Charlie's creation of a musical "for no reason") "Who's it versus?"
30 Rock - Jenna: "No. Keep crying. I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again."

Best Moment of the Week:
It's Always Sunny - Charlie's 'singing' proposal.
Runner Up:
HIMYM - The nude pose-off between Barney and Ted.

Most Disappointing:
Amazing Race - But only because of poor Toni and Dallas

Most Anticipated:
Uh, isn't TV basically over until January now? Dammit, now what am I going to do with my free time?

Hiding the Nerd at Christmas

2008-12-04T10:28:00.002-06:00

So, every Christmas, people always ask you what you want as a gift. I have learned that it is a very good idea to have a short list of small items available in mind for this question, just waiting to be unleashed. Because if you don't, they will invariably fall back on their previous knowledge of things you have expressed a fondness for in the past. And before you know it your entire apartment will be filled with beavers in various shapes and forms, until they're the only thing you can see when you walk in.

And no one wants that.

But this year I don't know what has happened - every time I find something that I might want for Christmas, it is always almost too inherently geeky to even bring up in polite company. I don't think that I've gotten more nerd-like this year, it's just that my normal mainstream interests haven't come out with anything good lately.

So now I'm at a crossroads - do I hand over a list of completely off-the-wall things that I want, which will most certainly be doubly embarrassing (first, whenever the person doing the gifting has to buy it, and second whenever I get it and jump around like the gigantic nerd I am), or do I try to whittle down the list to the most mainstream of items and be less enthused with the resulting gifts that come across? Such is the burden of the mid-level-middle-class-20-something-nerd.

Anyways, this is all just a carefully crafted screen so's I can make a list of all the nerdy things that I've seen lately that I really want. Because lists are fun.

In order from least to most nerdy:

DVDs:
Wall-E - Because I am the biggest nerd for Pixar movies, just holding it in my hand will probably result in nerd drool. (Also a 2 out of 10 on the nerd/geek scale. It's a pretty popular movie, after all)

Bring it On - Because it's my favorite movie in the entire world, and I've lost my copy. I have the case, but no disc. It causes me near daily pain, but I can't bring myself to buy a new copy, since it must be here somewhere, right? (A 2.5 out of 10. Not a nerdy movie, but my level of devotion to such a bad movie is certain to release high levels of awkwardness)

Books:
Alastair Reynolds - House of Suns

Charles Stross - Halting State

Neal Stephenson - Anathem

(At least a 7 out of 10 across the board - all three are ranging sci-fi/fantasy. Although I think the Stephenson at least is pretty mainstream-ish. Still, books at the holidays - always geeky.)

Things That Are Like Books:
Cable and Deadpool - Comic Collections - So it's come to this, eh? Actually buying comics. I don't even know. But this series is great, and pretty hilarious, and I want a hard copy of it. What? Don't judge. (9 of 10 - to get this you almost are required to walk into a comic book store. We're reaching the upper levels of nerd here.)

Runaways - Dead End Kids - Because I cannot find a bookstore that stocks Runaways anymore, and I refuse on principle to go to the comic books store near my house, so I haven't been able to read the last 3 editions. (9.5 of 10 - because just like above, only add another 0.5 because Joss Whedon is involved.)

Other Things That are so Nerdy It's Hard to Categorize:
Brick Poster - I'd like to think that I'm starting to get old enough that I could move beyond movie posters. But no, not really. I badly want one of these cutout posters that they did for the release of Brick before they all disappear. I've linked the Brain one because he was my favorite, but there are like 5 different ones, and they're all pretty cool. (8 of 10. Cult movie + obscure fan item + level of dedication required to get it = more geeky than a sci-fi book, but less geeky than comic collections.)

Penny Arcade Print - I'm not going to try and defend this one, it may very well be the most geeky thing on the list. Buying a physical print of a webcomic strip, that's about being a geek?It's almost meta levels of nerd, going on. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've come incredibly close several times to just buying one for myself for no reason. And the only thing that's stopped me so far? Because I can't decide which one I would get. I need help. (For the record: it's between this one & this one right now.) (10 of 10, no question)

Allomantic Metal Decals - I don't think I can even explain this one. So, they're like stickers? Of mystical symbols? From an obscure fantasy series that I'm (more than) mildly obsessed with. I don't even know what I'd do with them, but man do I want them. (15 of 10. Is that enough?)

-------------------

Well it feels nice to finally get all that nerding off my chest. Now to track down some holiday cookies and find out where I stashed all my Christmas lights. This house is not gonna decorate itself.

Fall Back into Television (Week Hiatus)

2008-12-01T17:05:00.002-06:00

And lo, there came a week in which Jason watched no TV, and instead ate an entire turkey, 2 pounds of stuffing, and several pies.

Thus, there was no week in television to review.

And it was good.

Fall into Television (Week 9)

2008-11-24T10:32:00.002-06:00

Update: Now I'm only partially deaf in my left ear. This has become the least informative blog ever.

Anyways:

How I Met Your Mother: Woooo! No, seriously, I love an episode that's a great return to form, and this one finally got it down after a very strange and rocky early season. A real plot structure, consistent call-backs, a funny (and true) new lingo thing, Barney being awesome, Robin getting some good lines, and an hilarious Swedish Collective that I want to have as my new best friend. ("This is a waste of time. PUSHUPS!")

When this show is on its game, it just blows my mind sometimes.
South Park: Not as awesome as last week, but still great. Man, I love love love me some goth kids. I can't explain it, but they crack me up on a very deep level. Especially the one with the hair fringe who is always flipping his head. I thought the Butters storyline was a little stilted though, which sort of slowed down the entire episode.

Ah well. Too bad the season's already over. Still, it's keeping pace in my mind as one of the few consistently good shows left. Here's looking to next year.
Grey's Anatomy: So it was just an elaborate ploy, was it? Have a couple of good episodes to get me tentatively back in and watching, just so you could spring the hands-down worst plot point I've ever seen in my entire TV-viewing life? Izzy just had sex with a ghost. No, really. Sex. With a ghost.

People, I cannot deal with this.
Survivor: Holy crap. There are really no words to explain exactly how satisfying that episode was. I... no really, I'm not sure I can say anything that can contain my emotions as that all played out. And it wasn't even like normal Survivor, where they try to throw in some misdirection so that you aren't sure who's going down at council - they straight up told everyone that the racist asshole was going home, and he was going to get punked doing it. And then they showed it in glorious detail. I'm in awe.

In no particular order, the rest of my thoughts:

- Even though I have no particular love for Sugar, that was some amazing acting she did there when she was pretending to Bob that she didn't have the idol. I mean, Oscar-worthy. I'm now totally on her bandwagon, although I'm pretty sure there's no derailing the Ken-train at this point.
- I sort of hate Crystal, for being both a downer and completely inept at challenges. But her shouting her vote out at council was possibly the best thing in an episode that was full of so many great, great things. That's going to be her legacy, and good for her. Awesome.
- And now I know it's totally passe and not germane to the subject at hand anymore, but how cute were cleaned up Charlie and Marcus? Okay, seriously, I'll stop. Probably. (But aww!)
- I cannot believe that Jeff threw the fake immunity idol into the fire. What a tool. That thing was awesomely constructed. Bob's like a craftsman. Too bad he's on the very wrong side of a very smart alliance. Here's hoping that his crazy ploy from the preview actually works.

The Office: Whoa, and again we remind ourselves that it's just a TV show, it's not healthy to get so invested in fake characters. Because no lie, my heart was practically up in my throat when Jim was showing Pam the house. I don't know that I would have survived if she wasn't happy.

In other news, let's hope they get Toby back on the right track, after seriously sending him to a real creepy place at the end of the third season. Also, I'm sort of really glad that Ryan's gone. He was getting out of control, plot-wise.
30 Rock: Oh 30 Rock. This is why you complete me. Even in an episode that makes basically zero sense, you still make me laugh in that really inappropriately loud and unexpected way. Steve Martin continues to be completely underrated in my mind, until I see him in something and again marvel that he's a really good actor (see: Shopgirl).

Also, the return of "Yes, Hornberger!" might very well have been my favorite line of the night. Scott Adsit always adds such perfect little grace notes to the episodes. (see: "But you were going to take me hat shopping!" from last season)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: So I have no idea which episode I'm supposed to be on, since I missed a few weeks there, but let's go with the one that I remember: That Liberty Bell episode was undoubtedly the worst episode of the series to date. The only funny scene was the opening bit with the George Washington painting, and even that was a little overdone. The whole thing just made me exhausted.
Amazing Race: Damn damn damn damn. I bet Sarah and Terence are tearing their hair out right now, knowing that the Frat Boys are still in this race going into the final four, and they got stuck with the one misplaced elimination episode in this stretch. I have no explanation for how those boys continue to race - they have no skills at tasks (roadblocks or detours), money-management, team work, or travel. They just have the luck of the bumbling. It's exhausting, especially when the previews hint that next week a team loses their passports, and thus falls out of the race. Meaning that yet again they could quite literally luck into the final three, which is almost always a tightly scripted foot-race. Makes me crazy.

But lets focus on the good: Nick, while cocky, was unbearably cute in his Birthday shirt. Dallas and Toni are very quickly climbing the ladder towards being my favorite team ever. I really like how, even when he was basically screwing up the flour task by overexerting himself, it was because he was pushing to get a win for his mom. It was almost touching. The local flavor characters this year have been uncommonly good - the sewing guy from a couple of weeks back and this weeks baker lady in particular. "Not very fit, this one." I just about died laughing.

And even though they are driving me mad with worry that they're going to knock out Toni/Dallas, I will give the Frat Boys the laugh of the week: Dan's inability to have even a semblance of rhythm is just about the funniest thing to ever come out of the Amazing Race. I thought he was just joking and goofing off at first, but no, that was actually him trying to march. Unbelievable.
Things I Missed: Ugly Betty. Which is just nuts, because I needed to watch Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty online, and since Grey's Anatomy came up on the player first, I clicked it. And I was so disgusted with the ghost sex, that I stopped watching online TV entirely. Sorry Ugly Betty. Blame the doctors. I'll try to catch up later this week.

Ugh. Ghost sex.

RECAP

Best Episode of the Week:
Survivor - Nothing Tastes Better than Five Hundred Dollars

Best Line of the Week:
How I Met Your Mother: "Yeah, she doesn't look woo-ish." / "Maybe she only observes the high holidays, like Mardi Gras and Spring Break. Maybe she's just a cultural Woo."

Best Moment of the Week:
Survivor - Every single thing that happened once they started voting until the end of the show.

Most Disappointing:
Grey's Anatomy - Dead to me.

Most Anticipated: I'm going to lie here, and not talk about how the previews for How I Met Your Mother prominently involve a naked Neil Patrick Harris. Instead I'll say Amazing Race, and the final culling to the Top 3. May death come quickly to Toni & Dallas's enemies!

Fall Into Television (Week 8)

2008-11-18T12:37:00.002-06:00

Two full months into a gimmick and still going strong, even if I'm a day late this time. Whatever, I had a terrible day yesterday and have gone completely deaf in my left ear. We have to make allowances!

How I Met Your Mother: I'm of several minds about this episode, but none of them are really negative. I enjoy drunk Allison Hannigan, NPH had some good lines, and there was still more Ted/Robin tension, which I always love. Seriously, I can't believe they've painted themselves into this corner - their chemistry is just so far off the charts that any real mother to end the show is not going to be good enough.
South Park: Oh man. How is it that they're finally hitting a good stride on this show with only 1 more episode left in the season? That was just hilarious start to finish. Big props to the slapping song, and Kyle's hair. Also, all the small children who started following Stan in hall with their Sharks/Jets snaps in preparation for the musical number. I straight up laughed out loud both times it happened.
Ugly Betty: Well damn, that was a heartbreaking ending. Why, the gays, why?

But ignoring that, how cute was Marc's new emo hair (it's flat ironed because he's sad, see)? As usual, any episodes that contain copious amounts of the Amanda/Marc/Betty combo are at least 200% better than their Daniel/Christina heavy counterparts.

Also, Justin is evolving into the best thing in the history of the world, what with his commentary and all. I don't care if he even gets a storyline, so long as they let him keep up this level of snark.
Survivor: And there goes my last great hope of having one of my favorites as a winner. Alas, poor Charlie was not long for this world without the creepy dynamic that he had with Marcus. I guess all my eggs are now with Sugar and her scheming ways of, y'know, actually playing the game.

And wow, that's all I have to talk about. Maybe this show is starting to lose its edge, like everyone keeps telling me.

The Office: Oh man, that was pretty much as close to a dark episode as you can get with The Office. But wow, how the bright parts lit up the rest. Andy and DrunkOscar! Kelly and Ryan with his pushups! That soft lit sunset ending with Jim and Pam! Yeah, okay, I'm officially an Office apologist - even though it wasn't a strong episode, I still love it for its plot progression. That's terrible.

But wait! Darrel's little dance to his truck! So cute.
30 Rock: That was... not good. Some amazingly hilarious one-liners (see the recap below for a good smattering) but they fell into the pit they usually avoid - the guest stars took over the whole show. I love Jennifer Aniston as much as the next homosexual, but seriously her character threw the entire episode out of whack in a way that we haven't seen since Seinfeld was around.

And Night Court? Really? Sure, whatever. I just watched last week's Oprah episode three times in a row and I'm fine with anything 30 Rock does, now and forever.
Amazing Race: Okay, I'm officially back on board for putting this show on the shortlist for Best Show on TV Period. Beautifully edited, compelling, interesting, and funny. That was a pretty flawless episode, even if this is obviously the weakest field of competitors probably ever. I mean, there is no way that the Frat Boys should be anywhere near this race after the third or fourth leg, and they're in the Top 4. That's just insane.

But it does lead to a lot of compelling questions. Primarily: why on earth did Nick/Starr and Terence/Sarah both go for the Fast Forward? They're both front running teams, with two very error prone teams(Frats and Ken/Tina) still in the race. Why take a huge gamble to get first, when you're pretty much guaranteed to beat out one of those two half-wit teams for elimination? I think it comes down to the fact that Ken/Tina had already used their chance for the FF, and since the Frats weren't going to try for it (since what happened to them the last time they tried) Nick/Starr figured they'd take it (and assumed they would win any actual race, since that's all they do.) And then Terence/Sarah's overconfidence in their physical/grind it out race style kept them going at it long after they should have bailed. That's a heavy blow to take, and I think Sarah was super classy in not I-told-you-so-ing the point that Terence basically screwed them.

Ah well, no one really cares. All we should really be talking about is Austin's hilarious turn as a crazy wandering cow in Kazakhstan. Good lord, that was the best thing I've seen in ages.
Things I Missed: Just Grey's Anatomy, which whatever. That was a short lived revival for sure. Oh, and was Simpsons/King of the Hill on this week? I couldn't hear them over the sound of Amazing Race being so awesome.

RECAP

Best Episode of the Week:
Amazing Race - I'm an Angry Cow

Best Lines of the Week:
30 Rock - Tracy: "Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me wanna pee on someone."
OR
30 Rock - Tracy: "I hate to see you like this, Ken-dog. It's like an owl without a graduation cap - Heartbreaking!"
OR
Liz: "Did she do sexy birthday or mannequin that comes to life?"
Jack: "Sexy birthday. Thank God."
OR
Cerie's description of the Aquarium dance club, which I can't remember verbatim. Something like, "all the women stay in a glass room at the center of the dance floor and all the guys watch and feed them."

Best Moment of the Week:
Amazing Race - Wandering cow costumes, and the dancing therein.
Runners Up:
South Park - Aborted attempts at choreographed dance routines in the school halls.
The Office - Andy's drunk dial to Angela (or more appropriately - Oscar's reaction to said call)

Most Disappointing:
The Office - The continued cuckolding of Andy by the increasingly hateful Angela/Dwight. How is this still going on?

Most Anticipated: Final 4 of The Amazing Race! My top two teams are still going strong here, so I'm very excited. Also, that preview for Ugly Betty looks like maximum amounts of Marc. So yay!

Fall Back into Television (Week 7)

2008-11-10T13:52:00.003-06:00

No starting banter this time, I've got things to be doing, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to blog the one thing I've been consistent on in at least a year.

How I Met Your Mother: A weird coda to end the arc that was Stella, but it had its moments of brilliance. Basically I just love Robin being Canadian more than anything on this show (that is not named Barney). But it was definitely a strange episode, obviously cut significantly for length (Marshall's person wasn't explained, yet I swear you could see her standing with the others in the flash at the end), and then the end just drops out. At least while the end was dropping out, they played a Regina Spektor song in the background. That cheered me up a bit.
South Park: I enjoyed every second of that episode, even without ever seeing more than 20 consecutive minutes of any of those Ocean's Number movies. Sarah Palin turning out British pretty much completed my week. I also enjoyed the little flourishes on the edges of the scenes - Cartman wheeling stolen TVs through the streets and the like. Wholly enjoyable.
Ugly Betty: Man, they've certainly regained their stride with this show, haven't they? Easily the best episode of the season, maybe of the last two seasons for that matter. Amanda full on hilarious/bi-curious, Marc getting screentime and being a whore, Willi having a heart all of a sudden... I could go on for ages. But dang, was anybody else terrified that Daniel and Betty were about to make out at the end of the episode, what with him telling her she was beautiful and all? I was really worried for about 30 seconds there.
Survivor: Hooooly crap. I was not expecting that at all. I'm usually not a sucker for traditional Survivor editing, but I straight up had Marcus pegged as a Final Three kind of guy. Charlie is going to be a basket case now, and so much for my constant cataloguing of their weird (and imaginary) relationship. Eh, with the way things are going, I'm sure they can continue it offscreen, since Charlie is totally not long for this game. And in that vein, I'm not sure I'm going to like where this season ends up, winner-wise, but it's definitely up there in terms of keeping the drama nice and high.
Grey's Anatomy: Seriously, I don't understand how this show has come back to actually being kind of compelling. And sad. Christ, why do hospital shows want to kill people all the time (sob)? But I think I'm sort of invested again. Excepting the fact that I need to watch The Office/30 Rock during its timeslot, and thus it is relegated to internet watching. But wow, way to rebound, show.
The Office: Hahahahaha. That's about the sum total of my insightful commentary on this episode. Kelly is the best, Pam is a fool, and I actually am starting to feel really, really bad for Andy. The writing is leaving me horribly conflicted. Oh, and a small aside, I really liked the multiple levels of the storyline this week about listening in on phone conversations. That's a subtlety they've been lacking since way back in season 3.
30 Rock: Since I've already admitted my bias on this show, can I just declare it the best thing on television and move on? Tracey and his White Girls outfit, complete with monster claw, Jenna in blackface singing Ease on Down the Road from The Wiz, and Oprah all in the same episode? Don't even try to top it. Also, a delicious and not overused Kenneth subplot. OH PLUS - Tina Fey as Princess Leia to get out of jury duty. I can't even deal, people.
Simpsons: Wow, I really didn't like a single second of that entire episode. I mean, I remember specifically laughing out loud at two separate lines, but afterwards all I had was a bad taste in my mouth.
King of the Hill: And now it's cancelled, despite its episode being at least 400% better written and funnier than The Simpsons. There is no justice in the world today. And I'm going to write about it here in a second, but that local news caption of the special needs log flume disaster picture made me bark out a laugh of unbelievable proportions.
Things I Missed: Amazing Race, nooooo! (Damn that Frank and his watching of TV first) At least none of my favorites got voted off. I'll catch it tonight online, now that CBS has finally gotten their shit together with this show's internet presence.

RECAP

Best Episode of the Week:
30 Rock - Believe in the Stars

Best Line of the Week (if you have a sick sense of humor like me):
The Office - Kelly: "I was raped!" Michael: "You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all your problems to go away. Not again. Don't keep doing that."

Best Moment of the Week:
How I Met Your Mother - Robin's high school hockey flashback.
Runners Up:
30 Rock - Jack's attempt at a lifeboat scenario for Kenneth.
The Office - "Get out of my nook!" / "That's what she said! That's what she said!! That's what she said!"
Survivor - Last second vote switch-up for Marcus's ouster.

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Anything:
King of the Hill - Local news's captioning of Dale on the log flume ride as "Unidentified Special Needs Student."

Most Disappointing:
Grey's Anatomy - The story I read online that says that that lesbian mini-fight is actually the end of that character's run on the show for good. Way to crush the spirit of the homos, show that I'm just starting to like again.

Most Anticipated: Toss up between Jennifer Aniston on 30 Rock, and the resulting fallout from the Survivor shakeup. Man, this was a great week of TV.

Fall Back into Television (Week 6)

2008-11-03T09:55:00.002-06:00

Hmm, I thought finally taking Tuesday and Wednesday off my viewing schedules would open things up, but I ended up watching just as much stuff as usual. Ah well.

South Park - Was anybody else underwhelmed? I guess I know what they were going for, but I was hoping for more. Particularly more humor. Oh well, you can't win them all. And sometime there are guinea pigs dressed up in costumes. Sure.

Ugly Betty - That was pretty good. A funny, well constructed plot, a goodly amount of Marc/Amanda, Justin wearing an Uncle Sam outfit, and what is hopefully an end to the Lohan. When this show is firing on all cylinders, it really can be great. Hopefully we're hitting a stride here.

Grey's Anatomy - So I haven't watched this show in, what, 2 seasons? Ever since that whole Izzy/George thing ruined everything in the entire world. But then I watched this week. And it was surprisingly good. I mean, apparently George and his crazy wife are now divorced, she's become a lesbian, Meredith/Derek and Izzy/Alex are both couples now, while Christina and Bailey continue to run around kicking medical ass. That's like everything I wanted to happen back when I was still watching this show (minus the lesbian bit). I feel like someone polled my brain on how to get me to watch again, and then carefully recreated the entire thing. Dastardly conniving, is what this is. My TV plate is full, thanks so much.

Survivor - Man, who would have thought that Dan would have been that annoying? I mean, hot people aren't usually that bad, right? I dunno. But I'm glad he's gone. Meanwhile, I still hate pretty much everyone on Fang, without exception. I cannot wait for whatever it is that is coming - traditionally the merger, but oh the previews promise to shake thing up. Doubtful, but still, I'm mildly digging this season.

The Office - Wow, that was an uncomfortable 30 minutes. So sad to see Holly go, I wish wish wish they could have kept Amy Ryan around, she really livened up the cast a whole lot. But oh well. The whole episode was mostly just blah, although Dwight/Andy saved it from being a complete loss. Save me from the Jim/Pam stuff, though. That was painful.

It's Always Sunny - Aww, look at Danny DeVito, reliving One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. But man, that plotline stunk on ice. I usually enjoy Charlie/Mac, Dennis/Dee episodes (see: the welfare one, which is maybe my favorite one ever) but this one was too disjointed. Everyone everywhere, with no solid resolution. That said, the spin class bit was crazy hilarious, and I really enjoyed the mailroom mess. Overall, I give it about a B. Also, I don't know if it was just because it was Halloween when I watched it, but Charlie's invisible friend scared the bejesus out of me, when he was just suddenly there. I think maybe I'm losing it.

Simpsons - Don't hate me, but I actually found most of that pretty funny. Maybe it's just because I watched It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown earlier this week. But yeah, pretty good.

Family Guy - Oh, that's why I stopped watching this show. Because it's horrible. Good to know.

American Dad - Oh, that's why I never liked this show in the first place. (But God help me, I laughed a couple of times. I don't know why, but that cat cracked me up.)

Amazing Race - I don't think a non-elimination episode has ever been more completely telegraphed since that one where the models wouldn't shave their heads, like 2 or 3 years ago. But I still liked the pacing, and India is always great for a wild location choice. And the continuing strong placement of my teams. Leave it to the Frat Boys to lose their lead due to an inability to iron things, though. Also I am completely over the Divorcees and their continuing to survive and do well despite having no clue what they're doing. Ah well. Super excited for next week, as I was really hoping for more nervous breakdowns, and they seem to be promised in the previews.
Things I missed - Actually not much at all. HIMYM was a rerun, and now that I've abandoned Tues/Weds programming, I'm getting things done AND not missing any vital TV. This is just nuts.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
Ugly Betty - Ugly Berry

Best Line of the Week:
It's Always Sunny - "If you've just had a heart attack, maybe you should be [in spin class]"/"Well maybe you shouldn't dress up like a bumblebee in public."

Best Moment of the Week:
Amazing Race - Dallas's attempt at flirtation and his realization that maybe his mom is not the best choice for a wingman.

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Anything:
Grey's Anatomy - Watchable and enjoyable? What year is this?

Most Disappointing:
South Park - Decided lack of funny.

Most Anticipated:
Near tie between Amazing Race and Survivor. This is finally the time when the reality shows start getting interesting.

Grr, Change

2008-10-29T09:28:00.003-05:00

Note: This post is not about political "change" (which is apparently the word of the month), because I'll be damned if I'm going to spend one additional second on anything remotely related to politics ever again. People always ask why I remain completely neutral in all political discussions, and refuse to tell anyone where I stand. Really, you can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want to get involved in non-stop rabid propaganda no matter which side you align with?

Not that not declaring a side helps much - basically you then just have both sides assuming you agree with them (because, how could you not? I mean, obviously my side is the right one, anyone on the other side is crazy and I wouldn't associate with crazy) so you get all their diatribes as their very own stump speech. So you just adopt a neutral facial expression, and nod your head occasionally, all the while trying to say the alphabet backwards in your head.

Seriously, I pretty much hate everyone right now.

-------------------

But this entry is not about that kind of change, dammit!

In general I hate change. Mixing up your routine makes things complicated, prone to additional errors, and increases the likelihood that you're going to have to end up talking to someone you hate (probably about politics, too). And the worst time for change is always Fall.

Every Fall they rearrange the syndicated TV shows, just as I've finally gotten down a schedule that I like to watch in the background when I get home from work (Until this month: King of the Hill, followed by The Simpsons, followed by How It Works. A perfect afternoon roll call. Now that's shot to hell, as the only thing left in that lineup is The Simpsons and it's at a different time. Grr.). HATE

Every Fall they change the traffic light patterns in central Dallas, I assume to factor in something to do with the school zones. All I know is that my route to and from work becomes 10 minutes longer each time the leaves change, because 5 of the 7 lights that I go through tend to hit red during a normal commute (as opposed to 2 at max during the summer) and the left turn only arrows at the intersection by my office disappear and you have to just shoot for your openings in traffic and pray for intersection mercy. HATE

And this really doesn't apply to anyone else, but Fall is also when mortgage lenders push out their upgrades to their user interfaces and underwriting engines. Which invariably ends up in heartbreak and longer turn times. Why they need to keep expanding the functionality of systems when the number of files available is plummeting to a record low is beyond the scope of my understanding. DOUBLE HATE

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But at this exact second, the change that's annoying me the most? iGoogle.

Which is the most unfair kind of change imaginable - a significant alteration to something that is totally free. So it's not like I can complain, it's a complimentary service. It's tacky to criticize the hand that is feeding you (for free).

Anyways, I'm going to whine for a minute, but that doesn't mean that I'm not really, really, incredibly appreciative of Google for providing the single best internet tool I have ever had in my entire life (A close second being the awesome address bar in the new Firefox. Those two items are pretty much all I need to get my internet enjoyment to maximum capacity.). I have saved so much time and effort using the iGoogle homepage that I roughly attribute at least 50% of my increased productivity at work to it.

But the latest redesign. Jesus.

A left hand tab menu? Seriously? Google is pretty much the smartest company on the internet, yet they don't understand the importance of horizontal viewing space? This isn't so much of a problem on my 24" wide screen monitor at home (which, by the by, still completes me), where I have landscape view width to spare. But at the office, on my 15" CRT, in order to fit that extra couple of inches for those tabs, I lose all readability for the third column of widgets. The only option I have is to switch to double columns, which means scrolling for additional info. But I won't even do that, because it saves the settings globally, and having only two columns at home is like spitting in the face of God and/or Mr. Widescreen Monitor.

Plus, the expanded functionality of the widgets from the tab bar is terrible. The only one that works well is the Google Reader, but since I don't use the additional functionality, it's a wash. Whereas the Gmail tab is actively horrible. Clicking an email brings it up in the widget now, but you can't click on embedded hyperlinks, and can't respond with attachments. Same limitations for composing a new email, or looking at your inbox. The only way to get anything done is to click over to Gmail. So really at this point, the only point to the widget is to see the last 5 emails you've received. Which is nice, but it used to be so much more functional.

And what's the deal with the multiple pages on the bookmarks widget all of a sudden? I mean, maybe it's naive to assume that everyone uses bookmarks the same way as me, but they're generally used for my daily sites that don't have RSS feeds, or that have interactive content that I'll need to access at various points during the day, usually in rapid succession. So it makes zero sense to have to waste additional time clicking over to the page of links I'm looking for, every time you backtrack to the homepage. It's not like they're unmanageable as is; there's maybe 20 of them. Suddenly we're horribly concerned about vertical screen space now? Grr.

It's like that my.yahoo debacle all over again, except this time there's still so much I still love about it that I can't ever imagine leaving. I forgive new flaws when you've got that much functionality left. (Whereas Yahoo pretty much lost me forever with their overdesigning, when you actively have to click three links to actually access the content you see on the screen. Damn, I still wonder to this day how they managed to screw that up so bad.)

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Whew, okay, venting over. I feel much better.

(I'm still pretty bitter about all the politics stuff, though.)

Fall Back into Television (Week 5)

2008-10-27T10:10:00.003-05:00

Another weird week for television watching. Missed Thursday due to a concert commitment (which I'm totally planning to actually write about for once) and didn't catch up at all, so this week should be nice and short.

How I Met Your Mother - So apparently I'm just about as dense as a brick, because I did not see that ending coming, despite the fact that it was telegraphed about as obviously as you can get without flashing a big sign that said FORESHADOWING every time Sarah Chalke was onscreen. And I will miss her, even though I thought her whole character was a bit shoehorned into the show. She really does have some great comedic timing, and she melded well with the cast. Sad, but necessary for the plot.

It was a great episode to boot: tons of continuity (zitchdog!), a return to natural characterizations, and Robin's completely awesome speech. I'm totally back in sync with this show. Oh, and super major props for not trying to wedge another storyline for Marshall and Lily just because they're there. I think they are actually starting to gather that the best plot heavy episodes are the ones where we focus on just one thing, rather than the traditional multi-arcs for everyone. We saw it two years ago with Something Borrowed/Something Blue, and saw how it didn't work last year with Miracles. Let's hope they keep this going.
Chuck - And yeah, I think I'm done. It's a good show, but it's just not for me. I appreciate it while it's going on, and I chuckle and think that Zachary Levi has actually become Seth 2.0 in my mind (the exact ratio of nerd/hot that I like, only his show hasn't yet collapsed in on itself and his personality like The OC eventually did). But I'm just not that into it. And since I have to tape Heroes for Frank while it's on the air, I have to actively seek it out on the Internet later, which is something I'm very reluctant to do for some reason.

Still, it was pretty sweet to see Nicole Ritchie getting beat the hell up.
South Park - I don't know, I sort of really enjoyed that. I mean, it wasn't terribly hilarious, but I love me some Cloverfield (and by extension, some Cloverfield-parody). And even though I don't know what that deal was with the pan-flute bands, "Tapas and Moodscapes" is just about the best title for a CD ever invented. I'm cautiously optimistic after a really rough start to the season.
30 Rock - Sweet damn, how I've missed this show. Some of it was a little tone deaf (Jenna's Japanese commercial and Will Arnette's homo-bit primarily) but man, there were some great moments. I love Tracey's little commentaries on his own dialogue ("Yes, I am provocative!") whenever he's doing something in public. It reminded me of that bit from Season One, where he ended a supposedly witty conversation with a loud "Haha! Banter!" Which is something I've longed to do ever since.

And the soap opera bit was perfect ("Ever since that incident with the weather machine.") even up to the aborted kiss. God, Alec Baldwin really is awesome at this part. I'm not sure if I'm entirely up for this adoption/baby line, after the mess that was Baby Momma, but I'm willing to give it a go.

Oh, and I didn't even mention my favorite throwaway moment:
Liz: Kenneth, do you know what imperative means?
Kenneth: Oooh, ooh, tell me!
[Liz badger face]

(Note: Since someone asked - No I'm not from the future, NBC has the episode online a week early. And there was no way I was waiting until the airdate to watch it. Self control is not one of my strong suits)
The Amazing Race - And now we finally remember why the artificial bunching is so important - that was about the least intense episode ever filmed, because the last team was so very behind from the last leg, they couldn't even pretend to build suspense on who was going home. Although team Gross Frat Guys gave them the material to try anyways. Seriously, this is a crazy-weak field of competitors: Those blondes from last week that ambled through something like 4 weeks of the show without getting eliminated, Aja and Ty's inability to navigate anywhere, the Frat Guys inability to build or operate anything.

Even the strong teams seem to have something that slows them down: Team Siblings stopping a prearranged truck driver to ask for directions, Team Divorcees deciding to play hoops before getting a clue. But this just gives me more and more hope that my Team Teenwolf is going to have the chops to make it to the end. Even the editing seems to support a final three of Divorcees / Siblings / Teenwolf. But that Terence/Sarah combo is resilient, and the older couple are really strong. I like that there is some parity there, but seriously people, let's pick it up.

Oh, and way to finally use my most desired travel destination in the entire world: Cambodia and Angkor Wat. Man, if I ever get to travel anywhere, it's so going to be there.
Things I Missed: Most egregiously - The Office and Ugly Betty, which I usually immediately catch up on, but I haven't been in an Office mood even once this whole week. Survivor (but I heard it was crap anyways), and It's Always Sunny, which I think means I'm officially a full month behind.
Things That I've Given Up On: Pushing Daisies (I love this show when I watch it, but for some reason I can't be bothered), Dirty Sexy Money (ditto, plus I've heard Samarie Armstrong is gone, and she was totally my primary reason for watching), and Fringe (let's just accept it and move on, I can't keep making excuses).

So much for this week being short. To save space, 30 Rock wins every single award this week: Best Episode, Best Line (Devon(about running the company GE): "It's just G now, I sold the E to Samsung. They're SameSung now."), Best Moment (a toss up between the soap opera bit and the Will/Jack face off about enemies almost kissing), Most Disappointing (the lack of good Jenna and no Toofer), and Most Anticipated. No, seriously, I have a problem with how much I love this show.

Fall Back into Television (Week 4)

2008-10-20T17:50:00.000-05:00

Big time television update: Due to strange things like moving offices and the complete collapse of the economic market in the United States and abroad, I somehow procured a sweet new (slightly used) TV to put in my bedroom, for next to no cash. There's no real reason for doing this, except that it lets me be even more of a time wasting lump than usual, by combining both my television watching and my Internet browsing into some kind of unholy vortex of slacking from which there is no escape.

The only problem with this setup is that I'm way too cheap to spring for another cable box in my bedroom, which means that if I want to change the channel in my bedroom, I have to physically walk into the living room. So in a weird way, I actually get more exercise this way than before.

Anyways, when we last left TV, I had just about given up hope for mankind when the best episode of the entire week was from a show that I have written about in the past as "actively unfunny; it's like the writers truly hate the people who are supposedly watching."

Did this week restore my faith in televised-humanity? Let's find out.

The Big Bang Theory - Thank God, at least that part of my universe is righted - this one was not good at all. Still, I have a sort of affection for this show. It's got a certain charm, and even when they're off, there are some good laughs to be had. Maybe I've just lost my ability to hate the mediocre. I dunno.
How I Met Your Mother - And let's have another round of God thanking, because we've finally found an episode this season that I really, really enjoyed. Insular flashback episodes are always great, and even if this one was a little overly self-referential it was still really funny. Intervention for holding interventions, Barney's magic, fake Cockney accent for Lily - I'm totally on board. And how awesome is that preview for this week? Some manner of girl fight at a wedding? I know I promised to stop hyping this show, but sweet damn, let's bring it on!
Chuck - Bryce! I love Bryce. Mostly because in my mind I think that Bryce also secretly loves Chuck, in a really inappropriate way. It's like an alternate fan-fiction world played out onscreen, if your mind works like mine (be glad that it doesn't). But overall: yawn. Took me three different sit-downs in front of Hulu to get through the whole thing, because I kept finding more interesting things to do.
Gossip Girl - Again, I only caught about 5 minutes of this show while flipping over to Monday Night Football, but the part I saw had a cute guy tied to a bell(?) wearing nothing but boxers. Seriously, if this show actually is a gay porn, someone needs to tell me.
Project Runway - Well that was just about the most predictable and boring finale possible. So little drama that they seriously spent 5 minutes on a dog taking a poop in the workroom. That said, I felt pretty confident after looking at the lines before the show that it was going to go Leanne, Korto, Kenley in that order, but they did manage to inject a touch of drama during the judging, going out of their way to praise Kenley like they did.

Still, I can't complain about this season too much, even if it was kinda boring, since two of my three favorites from the beginning were the final two. Here's hoping they get everything sorted so that we can get to the next season. I don't care if it's Bravo or Lifetime, I just want the chance say "Where the hell is my chiffon?" as angrily as possible and not have the reference wasted.
Ugly Betty - What did I just say not 2 episodes ago? Give the people what they want - Amanda and Mark! Not an hour long return of Gio and the amazingly boring tiny French child subplot. I was pretty much completely over this entire episode the second it began. But I did like the chase scene, Judith Light tearing things up, and Hilda being crazy awesome with the acting, while resolving a terrible storyline perfectly.
Survivor - So apparently I don't care about what happens this season at all, in regards to teams and strategies. Instead, I just follow the saga of Gay Charlie and Marcus. I swear I thought I was hallucinating, but didn't Marcus playfully bite Charlie on the shoulder during that reward challenge? If Marcus is just playing him for an alliance, my wrath will be swift and terrible.

But anyways - so Fang is just about as dumb as a bag of rocks, aren't they? Don't just talk about things, you actually have to do them for it to matter. You know she has the idol, she knows that you know, you know that she knows you know (*whew*). Get on the ball people.
The Office - That was about as off an episode as The Office can get, but it was still pretty funny. The problem seemed to be that everything was too over-the-top. The cold open was manic, Dwight's subplot was overdone, as was Jan's awkwardness. Even the ending voicemails were just too twee for my tastes. Too on-the-nose that even though they're not in sync, they totally are. Blerg. The good parts though: Jan's singing Son of a Preacher Man for 20 minutes. Holly (just in general). Angela dressing the baby up as a salad.

Frankly, I almost don't want to see how they're going to resolve the Holly character at this point, considering the limited time Amy Ryan has on the show. I'm anticipating pain. So much pain. Do you remember how Amy Adams ended her run on the show? I'm wincing right now, just thinking about it.
The Amazing Race - Wow, I'm not sure I've ever seen an episode that was so delineated into teams of good and bad racers. Top five were great, despite #4 & #5 detour switching (No! BAD!), whereas the bottom three were seemingly completely inept - either at the travelling part (Pinks and Aja and Ty) or the challenges (Team Gross Frat Guys). Still super rooting for team Mom/Crazy Haired Son, and starting to come around on the Sarah/Terence combo, assuming he turns down his awfulness by about 400%. Seriously, she's kind of awesome, despite his tool-like nature ("You're bad at ripping things"? I will poke you in the eye, sir).
Things I Missed - Was there a new Fringe this week? Because I didn't watch it if there was one. Also, no Pushing Daisies or Dirty Sexy Money, because I just can't be bothered, no Simpsons because it was on against Amazing Race, and no It's Always Sunny because I forgot this week and am somehow three episodes behind now. Man, I'm just falling down on keeping up with things. Especially since I have no excuse now, what with the TV in the bedroom and all.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
How I Met Your Mother - Intervention

Best Line of the Week:
Project Runway - "100,000 dollars. Drinks are on this brother." (Whatever. I love Leanne.)

Best Moment of the Week:
Amazing Race - The whole Maori warriors Roadblock. (Nose touching is just too cute.)
Runner Up:
Survivor - No seriously, he bit his shoulder. (I'm reading way too much into this.)

Most Disappointing:
Ugly Betty and the continuing reset of last season.

Most Anticipated:
How I Met Your Mother - Wedding time!

Welcoming Our New Robot Overlords

2008-10-17T13:26:00.003-05:00

So everyone knows I'm really into the future, right?

Sci-fi junkie, both in books and movies. Computer nerd like whoa; nothing gets me hotter than a really good bout of programming.

I'm even known to regularly spout "Where are all the flying cars? This is supposed to be the future, I was promised flying cars!"

So ever since the first time I laid eyes on a Roomba, I've coveted them like nothing else. Even when I heard they were super lame, and you'd be better off hiring a toddler to sweep your floors for better results, I still wanted one like a 12 year old girl wants a pony. Just the idea of a robot vacuum under my command got my mind racing at the potential possibilities. In my brain it's like Rosie from the Jetsons, but without any of that smart-mouth backtalk.

Alas, I was wicked poor at the time, and have been pretty much forever since. And I never really had enough floor to warrant a dedicated living vacuuming machine, since I could easily clean my whole place in approximately 10 minutes once every month. Not even my lust for the future could rationalize the purchase.

And so my dream of robot ownership languished.

Then, two fortuitous things happened right at the same time: They introduced the 530+ series of Roombas, and I got my new apartment. This new series continued on the functionality improvements of the last few years (edge cleaning brushes, proximity sensors, smarter algorithms, etc.), but most importantly they added a lighthouse/beacon feature, which allows these new awesome robots to do multiple rooms at once, and then return back to their homes, like the android-future my mind had always promised.

And the new apartment was huge, better than 400 more square feet of space, all of it done in fake hardwood floors. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep non-carpeted floors clean? Well if you're as lazy as I am, it's basically impossible. Once a week exhaustive sweeping isn't enough. You need something like 3 sweepings every 10 days, and you have to move furniture, otherwise the dust bunnies gather in dark places and plan their revenge on the living world.

Thus, I have been biding my time, waiting for the Roomba price to drop into the realm of my rationalization. It took nearly a full year, but finally it happened this month, and I'm the proud owner of the cutest little cleaning machine this side of the Mississippi river.

I call him Bad Robot.

Mostly because I'm constantly shouting "No! Bad Robot!"

See, the thing I was most worried about when I got him was that he would gain sentience in the middle of night and try to murder me and take over the apartment as his own, tired of his position of servitude.

This proved to be even more ludicrous than it sounds, because goddamn, Bad Robot is as dumb as a post.

Things I Have Yelled at Bad Robot For (Just This Week)
- Trying to climb into the fireplace and getting stuck on the marble (3 times)
- Getting an empty Pixi Stick lodged in its brushes (4 times)
- Trying to eat the drapes in the living room (2 times)
- Running into the entertainment center so hard that he knocked down the Playstation controller
- Trying to eat said Playstation controller's cord immediate afterwards
- Getting stuck under the table, despite there only being two chairs around it
- Attempting to gain access to my bedroom by repeatedly ramming into the door, because it wasn't fully latched
- Pushing the mat at the front door all the way into the back hallway
- Refusing to clean near the kitchen because the kitchen doors jut out approximately 2 inches from the wall
- Missing his docking station by 1 inch,
- Then getting confused and pushing the docking station around until it faced the wall,
- Then getting really mad because he can tell there's a docking station nearby but can't access it,
- And in response starting to ram himself repeatedly into the coffee table.

Seriously, he's not smart.

But the thing is because he's not, our place is constantly in a state of previously unknown clean. Because as long as you keep half an eye on him, he will indeed vacuum up everything, and keeps the place dirt and dust bunny free. And since you have to pick up any cords, or big things on he ground that he might run into so that he can actually function at his job, we're running at something like 90% clean house at all times.

It's nuts.

I'm so happy, I could burst.

Now if only they would get around to making those flying cars I was promised, I could finally be happy with my place in future.

Fall Back into Television (Week 3)

2008-10-13T11:56:00.003-05:00

Wherein I did nothing but watch TV all week long (since I was so tired from moving my office) so I have so many opinions!

How I Met Your Mother - I don't know. The show still doesn't have it's groove back, but it was pretty funny. I really enjoyed Marshall in Costco, and just about lost it when he was wearing the dog shirt when they got back. But Barney was tiresome, and I'm about 10 minutes from completely over this Ted/Stella storyline. What's way more troubling though, comes next...
The Big Bang Theory - So I watched this shit show before HIMYM came on, and God help me, it was hilarious. Like, I laughed really inappropriately loudly at least twice. It was like the reincarnation of The Class. I felt dirty. But seriously, if I was to honestly pick the best show of the week (like I'm about to in a few minutes) I have to give serious consideration to this one. I feel like the world has gone mad.
Chuck - And now I remember why I dropped this show in the first place - it's so utterly unrealistic that I can't even enjoy the inherent camp. Every week there some new bad guy, who is theoretically the most bad ass bad ass to ever bad ass, only they are easily thwarted by Chuck's wily nerd charms. Dude, the actual character of Julie Cooper from The OC could have taken out these fools, and in this case the actress was supposedly playing an international assassin. I know not to expect any sort of realism, but some sort of grounding in the physical world would be nice.
Fringe - Completely enjoyable at the time, but if you asked me what happened this week, it's even odds that I couldn't remember a single plot point. That's a bad sign. Particularly since it's the only thing I watch on Tuesdays, which means I could just drop it and have a whole night free to myself. That's ultra tempting.
Project Runway - What did I say last week?! Complete bullshit, that Jerell could get voted off at the last second like that. That said, I have reviewed all their individual lines, and I agree with the top three choices. But seriously, I hated Korto's bridesmaid dress. If we were going from that individual challenge, for me she should have been gone. I really wonder how the ending will go, though - based on those lines, all three have a real shot at winning (although I still think Leanne has the edge). Oh, and how cute was the 3 seconds of Leanne's boyfriend? It was like they were the same person. Also, I now totally want to be like Jerell and refer to my boyfriend as my "love interest." It's so evocative, and not as queer sounding as "partner." Okay, maybe it's more queer-sounding. I don't care.
The Office - I swear, this show will be the death of me. Even with no Pam and super limited Ryan, I was still blown away. I love Amy Ryan with an unbearable passion. God I wish she could stay forever. And Jim's annoying little brother routine with Dwight hasn't been as artfully captured as this since Conflict Resolution. Pure awesome.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - I think I'm off a week on this show, since I catch it on Hulu, rather than when it airs. So this week is about both the billboard and Mac sleeping with the Waitress. The billboard was funny, if a little flat. Frank's billboard tryouts were the funniest parts by far, but I just couldn't get into the Charlie/Dee line. Mac and the Waitress, however, was pure gold. Somehow, the weirder Charlie is, the more I like him. And that ending was perfect - reveal, reveal, closure, then supposedly-homo-Mac in a crumpled heap in the street coverd in popping fireworks. That's what I like to see.
The Amazing Race - God, I've missed this show. Even though it was hard to stretch out the tension at the end (you knew there was a time penalty going into the ending and the geeks who were getting penalized were second to last) it was still totally enjoyable all the way through. Scary bikes, inter-team drama (with one of my favored teams being the dramatizers), and fake Mexican wrestling. You can't beat this show. My favorite two teams: Mother/Son combo. who looked super impressive busting through that Roadblock, and Brother/Sister combo, who seem to be good natured fools (with terrible names). I'm really looking forward to next week.
Things I Missed: Everything Thursday, as I was at the office moving until after 9:00. No Ugly Betty or Survivor (but I caught The Office on Hulu). No Pushing Daisies or Dirty Sexy Money on Wednesday since Frank watched America's Next Top Model instead of PD, and I watched South Park instead of DSM. The less said about that South Park, the better, though. Man that was horrible.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
*SIGH*
The Big Bang Theory - The Barbarian Sublimation

Best Line of the Week:
The Office - "Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor."
Close, Close, Oh-So-Close Runner Up:
The Office - "It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male."

Best Moment of the Week:
The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon on the ease of picking up a guy (with demonstration)
Runners Up:
The Office - Jim's Entire Battlestar Galactica Goading
Amazing Race - The Extended Wrestling Roadblock

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Let's just give this category wholesale to Big Bang Theory for actually making me laugh at all.

Most Disappointing:
South Park - Jesus that was horrible.

Most Anticipated:
I'm on an Amazing Race kick right now, so probably that. Although the preview for The Office with the watermelon looks really enticing, too...

But come on, it's no contest: Project Runway Season Finale. Bryant Park! "Wave Architecture" versus "Alice in Wonderland Covered in Rope" versus "African Inspired Beading!" I cannot wait.

Pathological Fears, a Revisitation

2008-10-09T11:33:00.005-05:00

I've pretty extensively covered my list of irrational fears over the years, as it's something that I think about a lot. But after an experience a few weeks back, and my re-watching the movie Signs over the weekend, I've been once again put on notice by my brain that I even though I'm scared of a ton of things, those things continue to evolve constantly.

Most noticeably on the list of things that don't scare me anymore: I no longer have to keep my bed up against the corner of a room while I sleep (so as to have no way for anything to sneak up on me in the middle of the night). This one has been a gradual thing and is due to the layout of my bedroom requiring my bed to be offset from walls on all sides. In conjunction with this, I no longer get paranoid jags in which I think something/someone might be hiding under my bed. Which means that now I can get up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night without the fear that I'm about to get dragged down below. I like to think of these two abated fears as signs that I'm growing up.

Also, you can throw in the fact that I've gotten past the problem of not sleeping with my bedroom door open. Apparently the fear was that if someone broke into the house, they would have unfettered access to me (whereas a closed door is apparently akin to a brick wall. I don't know, don't blame me, these are irrational fears.) So, yeah, definitely growing up.

But not completely, as some things have remained constant on the irrational fears list:

Still can't sleep with the closet door open. This one is especially difficult because the shifting foundation of my building has caused the frame around my closet to cant by about 5 degrees, making closing the door physically impossible. So now I have to settle for wedging the door as close to closed as possible. Those last two inches of openness still make me nervous.

Also, I'm still afraid of clowns, but I continue to assert that this one doesn't belong on the irrational fears list. It's totally rational. Goddamn clowns.

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Anyways, the whole point of this diatribe is that I've got two brand new fears that are way more prominent nowadays. See, I bought a new shower curtain a couple of weeks back. One of those fancy cloth numbers that goes on the outside of the plastic one, to give the illusion that you're a classy person. It's white and has stitched palm trees all over it, and it's pretty swank. It's also terribly heavy, which means that I have to keep it closed pretty much at all times, since my shower rod is notoriously wobbly and uneven weights on it cause it to come crashing down really unexpectedly.

As I learned at 3 AM on Tuesday last week, when I was startled awake by a crash so loud that I immediately assumed that the condo had finally been pushed to its limit and was collapsing all around me, House of Usher style. It was also in that brain-fogged moment that I realized I have no training in how to respond in cases of earthquake/house collapses. Mostly I just screamed like a girl and rolled off the bed like a ninja, only to get my legged wrapped up in the duvet and flopped to the ground face first.

So anyways, heavy shower curtain means I keep it closed at all times now. And now I am constantly -- constantly -- convinced that someone is hiding behind the curtain. Too many horror movies combined with New Fear #2 (below) and the time that I was 11 and my cousin hid in the shower to scare me while I was brushing my teeth have trained me to be so paranoid that I can barely function in my bathroom until I have spent a couple of hair-raising moments darting over to the shower and peeking around it to verify that I am indeed alone so I can wash my hands free of fear.

New Fear #2 is way more insidious and way more crazy too: I constantly imagine that I'm being stalked. This one has been hanging around a lot, but is more prominent after the Signs watching. See, a few weeks back, I was cleaning up the kitchen super late (like around 11:00pm) and needed to take out the trash, for fear that the Black Plague that I just scrubbed away would take on sentience in the trash bag and kill me in my sleep. So I wandered down to the dumpster on the far side of the complex.

(To understand the next part, you have to have some idea of the layout of the complex. This particular side doesn't border on the street, instead we're up against a mini-forest; it's the treeline to the little creek that runs out from the park to the north. So the layout goes Street-> Buildings -> Dumpster -> Lawn -> Trees.)

I toss the trash into the dumpster and turn to head back to my building. Midway through the turn, I swear I see someone across the lawn standing along the treeline, staring at me. More precisely, it's a white guy in a really dark suit. He's standing in the shadows of the trees, and it's just for a second as I'm turning, but I can still make out enough to tell he looks bald and is most definitely looking in my direction. I freak the hell out (as one does) and start heading back to my apartment double-time. Only when I turn back after a couple of seconds, there's no one standing there. More importantly, the lightpost on the lawn is brightly illuminating the place where I supposedly saw this person - there's no way that it would have been dark enough to hide someone in the shadows.

I chalk it up to a completely overactive imagination (which I've got in spades - ask me about my law library sub-basement stories sometime), and head home, only mildly still freaking out.

Now, ever since then, I'm constantly expecting this guy to pop up somewhere. Whenever I go outside at night, I'm looking everywhere, all the time, alert like a cougar. I've seen nothing since then, but it doesn't mean I'm not going crazy.

-------------

So yeah, I'm crazy like whoa. It's not unexpected, but still, it's a little sad.

Fall Back into Television (Week 2)

2008-10-06T13:42:00.002-05:00

Probably the least television-y week we'll see for a while, since Thursday was decimated by debates, and I missed Sunday due to movie night.

How I Met Your Mother: Possbily the most underwhelming episode since that 4 episode run midway through last season where it seemed like the wheels were falling off the show (before everything picked up for an awesome second half of the season). The whole thing was off-kilter, mostly because it was trying for the old HIMYM rythm of flashbacks -> reveal -> actual final reveal, but the story wasn't strong enough to carry it through. Not terrible, but it makes me look like a fool when I hype the show to make sure people watch and then they're all "Really? That's it?" Note to self: Stop hyping things.

Also, I want to start a fund devoted to kidnapping Jason Segal and taking him to a barber. That hair is a crime against humanity.
Fringe: Aaand the week I finally give up on this show is the week it gets picked up for a full season. Fine, I'm back in, since I know it's not going away mid-season like every other sci-fi-ish show on Fox in the last 5 years. But seriously, that main girl bugs me for some reason. Pacey really is good, though. I'm glad he has work.
Project Runway: Holy crap, y'all. That was the most intense and horrifying thing I've seen on reality TV in ages. Like, I have to think back to the last episode of Big Brother that I ever watched (3 years ago) in order to come up with a more painful episode of something on TV. That said, it's weird that the result of that Big Brother episode was my vow that I would never watch another episode again (which I have kept easily), but I'm just more engrossed in PR than ever before.

Seriously though, every single person involved acted repulsively. Kenley is obviously abrasive, rude, condescending, and completely unable to take even the lightest constructive criticism without going off the edge. Leanne's method of passive aggressively escalating things is ultra annoying to me because it's my most hated kind of argument. Man up and deal with it, girl. And then Jerrell and Korto's little joy-of-tulle-denial routine was classless, with Jerrell's speech on the runway just about sending me over. Then Korto finished the job and sent me straight into the rage place, acting like she wasn't calling Kenley out just because she didn't say her name. When you pointedly praise the other two people left in the competition for their wonderfulness as human beings, the implied silent insult is louder than Leanne (for once) directly saying that she didn't like Kenley's designs. Bringing it up again during the deliberation is just gross and tacky. I would have been perfectly fine throwing them all out and starting fresh next season. But we move on.

Oh, also, it's complete bull that Jerrell has to compete for a spot at fashion week. Way to make the last regular episode mean absolutely nothing. It's sort of like in Season 3, except at least then you knew all 4 were going to get to show. This time Jerrell could be out at the last second, despite his 3 for 4 record of wins to end the season. All this is slightly mollified by the fact that they all actually got to show at fashion week (so did Joe and Suede, for that matter) since they needed decoys to keep the suspense, but it still annoys me to no end. It smacks of keeping drama for the sake of drama, since Kenley has been absolute bottom two for 4 of the last 5 (!!) challenges, and could have easily been out for 3 of them. Ugh.

Okay, that was way longer than I intended. Deep breath and we move on.
Pushing Daisies: AH BEES! Okay, that bit of the plot (okay, all the plot) was unnecessary in so many ways, but the show is still great. I don't have a lot to say about it, though. Shocking, I'm sure.

(Total Aside: Every single time someone on TV says "bees" nowadays, I immediately flash to that conversation in Arrested Development ("Beads."/ "Bees!?"/"Beads!"/"Beads!?"/"GOB's not on board.") and giggle to myself for about 5 minutes. So you can imagine how this episode was for me.)
Ugly Betty: Yeah, I'm definitely digging this season. Even if the Devil Wears Prada could file a lawsuit over the similarities (and okay, the homage to the homage is noted in the episode title, so fine), it was pretty hilarious throughout. Although I wish they would have done more with Betty's dream sequence as mini-Wili. But there was plenty of Mark and Amanda, an awesome smackdown during a party, and a real-life soap opera ending, complete with falling down stairs. Let's keep this going, shall we?
Survivor: Boring, but I'm glad things are getting defined. Still with every passing year, I'm less inclined to watch these early episodes, as the alliances keep shifting more and more wildly each new season. Plus. all the contestants just blur together until the real personalities finally start coming out. Too many reality people these days.
Things I missed: Simpsons, Amazing Race (AGAIN), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Dirty Sexy Money (saw the first 15 minutes, which I enjoyed, but then got a phone call that took precedence over rich people behaving badly. For shame.)

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
Ugly Betty - Til We Have Prada

Best Line of the Week:
Ugly Betty - "Look at me when I'm talking to you! Don't look at me!"

Best Moment of the Week:
Uhh, none? Okay, if I have to pick:
Pushing Daisies - Any time Lee Pace looked cute and awkward at the same time (read: any time he was on screen.)

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Gossip Girl - The 5 minutes of the show that I stopped to watch in passing, because I was wondering why The CW was showing the intro to an awkward gay porn movie. Oh no wait, it's just Gossip Girl! (Now I kinda want to watch it this week.)

Most Disgusting Moment of the Week:
(Tie) How I Met Your Mother - Marshall's hamburger eating slow-mo
(Tie) How I Met Your Mother - Marshall's hair

Most Anticipated:
Home visits on Project Runway! I love this part!

Useless Link Post Spam

2008-09-30T11:31:00.003-05:00

Man, I usually hate it when people do a whole new blog post just to put in a single link to something they think is cool.

Especially now, since I do all my blog following through feeds, so those little posts can combine to take up so much space. There is nothing so disappointing as seeing your favorite blog has updated, only to click over and instead of content, it's a hyperlink.

But screw it, I love this link enough to give it my full attention.

http://labs.ideeinc.com/multicolr

I have spent approximately 8 hours over 2 days playing with this thing and I'm not even remotely bored with it yet. there are so many color combinations available, and they're all so pretty. It's fascinating.

Or maybe I'm just a huge dork for colors and pictures.

Whatever, it's awesome, and anyone who doesn't like it is a Communist, there I said it.

Wherein I Fall Back into Television

2008-09-29T14:52:00.005-05:00

So I really thought that I was finally over TV.

I mean, yeah I still watch some things, but after a summer where I didn't need to turn on the set unless it was to watch Project Runway, I had been actively considering dropping my cable, and just relying on Hulu and streaming video to get me through the fall season.

And then said fall season started, and I became the ultra couch potato that is my birthright and my destiny.

So, I now present a rundown of all my television thoughts, as fast as I can get them down.

How I Met Your Mother: My most anticipated anything, as per usual, but this was a decidedly low key start. I'm a little over Sarah Chalke at this point - not that it's her fault, but the shortened season last year has left her character completely devoid of any real personality. That said, she made huge inroads into my heart with her dissection of Star Wars there at the end. "Good idea, Bear," indeed.

And I almost don't want to talk about the Barney subplot, because then I might let it slip that I've watched this scene (where he explains that he doesn't want to be Robin's boyfriend) approximately 95 times in the past 7 days. Seriously, the crush is out of control. But whatever. It's a good start to the season.
Chuck: I didn't watch this show for much of last season after that terrifyingly bad second episode. But then I came back for a bit because of my unrelenting girl-crush on Rachel Bilson, and it was markedly better. And then I watched the preview of the second season premiere on Hulu last week, and I was incredibly entertained. I'm picking this one up for the whole season, I think.
Heroes: Aaaaaand I'm out. I suffered through the last season of dreck in the hopes that we could right all that went wrong, that the strike really was that affecting to the quality of the show. And then I watched the season premiere and every single person on the show developed super powers, while no one developed any better acting powers. I'm so over this show, it's not even funny. Although I'll probably still retain some of it by osmosis, since Frank is still a watcher.
Fringe: I was unabashedly onboard for the terrible pilot, but every week that goes by, I'm less and less enthused. Everyone knows I've been wishing for an X-Files spiritual successor, but so far this is just not doing it for me. Which is weird. You know I love me some Pacey, and Denethor is pretty hilariously awesome, but on the whole, I kinda wish that I was doing something else while I'm watching this show. Maybe it'll get better.
America's Next Top Model: Most shocking development of this entire Fall Season? I made it through only 15 minutes of one episode of what used to be a staple show for me, before I turned it off, and haven't looked back since. I don't know what happened there, but it's dead to me. Sorry Tyra.
Project Runway: As terrible as this whole season has been, I still really love this show. I think it helps that my two favorite designers have made it all the way to the end for once (unless you count the super unfortunate early exit of my boy Wesley. *sigh*). It's been pretty uneven all season long, and the quality of designs have been horribly lacking on occasion, but I love all the drama, and I have an actual interest in the outcome (as opposed to last year when I all I cared about was whether or not Jillian would reveal her true robot form at the final elimination, Terminator style).

Also: Team Leanne all the way.
Ugly Betty: 1) I am disappointed by the reboot of the season, basically tossing out most of the last year and turning Alexis into the dumbest thing this side of a palm tree. 2) But as much as I hate to admit it, I sorta love the shakeups. The new magazine, the new apartment, bringing in the "only gay for Jamie" guy from 30 Rock (Which, by the way, was the best thing that came out of television last season, hands down. Unless you count that other scene from 30 Rock where Tina Fey eats an entire sub sandwich onscreen in 20 seconds. Or Alec Baldwin's therapy role playing session. Okay, I really need to write up a separate post about how much I love 30 Rock. We're supposed to be talking Ugly Betty). I'm cautiously optimistic about the future. 3)More Mark and Amanda, dammit! Give the people what they want.
The Office: There are no words for how much I loved the first episode this season. I was dreading another hour long episode (as last year they just dragged on and on) but this was perfectly paced, hilarious, and actually felt almost a little tight, like it was cut for length. That's some great writing there. (And I'm not even going to talk about the Jim and Pam thing. You think my little Barney disclosure up there was embarrassing? You have no idea.) Easily my front runner for best start of the season.
Survivor: It always takes a while for the season to set itself, so I'll give it a pass for now, except to say that I'm really starting to hate Jeff Probst. I mean, how wildly unprofessional was that council where he forced a leadership vote? Quit directly involving yourself in the coolest part of each year (the natural shakeout of the initial alliances). I do love the location, though, so maybe there is some promise here.
It's Always Funny In Philadelphia: Y'all, this show is so good. I don't know really how to explain it. I'm consistently shocked that it doesn't just collapse in on itself, week after week. I mean, Danny DeVito has a starring role! It defies all logic. But sweet damn, we're two episodes into the season, and I've already got three new favorite moments for the series. (In case you were wondering what they are: Charlie, Mac, and Dennis shirtless for the loan officer in the bank lobby, Dee attacking her sandwich like a bird, and "Wildcard, Bitches!")
Simpsons: About as lackluster as you can get, but they got three solid laughs out of me, which is about 2 more than the entirety of last season, so color me potentially hopeful for this year.
Amazing Race: How long have I been looking forward to this? Apparently so long that I completely forgot that it started yesterday. Man, I'm falling apart. Also, why in God's name does CBS only have like 15 2-minute snippets of the show on their website? And why do they each take individually 5 minutes to load? Oh well, my impressions will have to wait until next week when I can properly remember to watch things. I do like the looks of this cast, though.

Recap

Best Episode of the Week:
The Office - Weight Loss

Best Line of the Week:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - "Wildcard, Bitches!"

Best Line of the Week That's Apparently Funny Only to Jason and No One Else, Because He's a Sucker For Continuity:
The Office: "Cryogenics! Beer Me Five."

Best Moment of the Week:
The Office - Jim & Pam's Rest stop Moment in the Rain
Runners Up:
How I Met Your Mother - Barney on Boyfriends
Project Runway - Leanne's Hip-Hop Walk Down the Runway
Survivor - Gay Charlie's Super Unhealthy and Hilarious Man Crush on Pretty Haired (and Straight) Doctor Marcus

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Unexpected Laughs:
Chuck - Morgan's Beyond Thunderdome Method of Determining Promotions

Most Disappointing:
Heroes - Mohinder steals the plot of The Fly and destroys my love forever.

Most Anticipated:
Dirty Sexy Money & Pushing Daisies both start this week

Most In Need of a Life:
Yeah, I know.

Your Consumer Whore Report for September

2008-09-11T12:33:00.002-05:00

Have a huge pile of disposable income that you need to get rid of really fast?

If so, today's your lucky day because I just happen to have a huge pile of things that you should really want to buy. I know that I do.

Who Killed Amanda Palmer - Absolutely awesome new album from Amanda Palmer, i.e. the voice of The Dresden Dolls. When you buy the preorder right now, you get a free electronic download of the whole CD and a couple of bonus tracks, so there's instant gratification for your purchase that will come later in the month. It's like two purchases in one! It also helps that I love the entire album with reckless abandon, now that I've had a couple of days to listen to it a few times. It's weird that I picked up The Dresden Dolls because of Amanda's association with Regina Spektor, since I can't think of two more opposite types of piano girl singers. There's no polish with Palmer, but the emotion she packs into her songs overcomes any limitation you might expect.
Zoe's Tale, John Scalzi - I'm pretty sure I've gone over (at length) my love for the Old Man's War series, and for that matter my general love of Scalzi's writing (see Elsewhere links for his blog). This latest installment is more of the same, following a parallel storyline to the last book in the series (Last Colony) that fills in a lot of the blanks from that book, while telling a compelling story on its own. I have my list of quibbles with the book, almost all centering around Scalzi's skirting of some serious action scenes towards the end of the novel, but on the whole it's a great companion to the series, with an entirely unique voice. I dug it a lot. Now I just wish I had hard cover copies of the original trilogy, because now my collection looks a little lopsided on the bookshelf.
Dallas is about to receive an embarrassment of riches in terms of live music this fall. Just off the top of my head in the next two months: The Swell Season (AKA:the girl and the guy from that awesome movie Once), The Fratellis (my absolute favorite new band I heard this year), Ben Folds (on his new album tour), A new Hotel Cafe Tour (with Ingrid Michaelson again AND Meiko), Sara Bareilles (doing her own show this time), and Kings of Leon (with We Are Scientists(!!), the real reason I want to go to that show).

I can't even fathom how much money it would take to see even half the shows I want to. And this is after Steel Train cancelled their Dallas stop.
In the video game world, Spore came out this week, and it's taking every willpower molecule in my body to not run to the store right now. I have spent far, far, far too much of my freetime just playing with their creature creator (which you can download for free. Because the first hit is always a giveaway. Then when you're hooked, that's where they get you. It's like cocaine, in a way). I'm dreadfully afraid that owning the full game would ensure I didn't see the light of day for until November.

And you know what? I'm just gonna stop right there because I'm practically drooling over all of these purchases that I want to make, and listing anymore is going to drive me right over the edge into poor consumer choices that you make when the industry you're employed in is folding like a bad hand in poker.

But don't let that stop you. Shop, my peoples, shop!

A Week and a Half in Review

2008-09-08T09:59:00.002-05:00

Short form posting is the style of the season. Mostly because I'm basically drowning in work, and have less than zero interest in typing on a computer when I'm not being paid to these days.

Last Sunday Night: While out at a bar, was accosted by a drag queen, who attempted to make out with me twice. After derailing said attempts, had to spend close to 30 minutes additionally derailing the boyfriend from defending my honor by attacking the drag queen with a broken and/or rusty beer bottle. Why is my life so complicated? (Also: marks the 4th time in 2 years that a drag queen has propositioned me. Does this just happen to people all the time and I'm just not aware of it? Because I'm never around queens, and yet that's a shockingly high number to me.)

Last Wednesday: While indulging in my one hour of TV a week during the summer (Project Runway), I decided that I should also indulge myself food-wise, since I've brought my lunch to work every day for 2 weeks. I got one of these, and then proceeded to eat the entire thing. I've worked out 3 different times since then, and I can still feel the weight around my waist. Never again, I say. I'm practically sweating out the grease to this day.

Saturday: A successful running of Frank's birthday extravaganza. Which included me making an awesome display of birthday punch, which was full of ingredients, and was delicious. (I also then OD'ed on the stuff the next day, since primarily the ingredients I mentioned were variations on concentrated sugar, and subsequently felt the extraordinary pain that is an epic sugar crash). We also learned that: Jason only needs one margarita and 5 shots of rum to become completely drunk, which is a sad, sad thing, but still very fun. Oh, and I'll say it again: there is no game that is more fun with a group of people than Apples to Apples.

Sunday and also Monday: Refer above to the sugar crash item, which occupied most of my day. But additionally, our hot water disappeared entirely. Apparently I've traded out the Truck of Malfunction (TOM) for the Condo of Malfunction (COM), which is a much less cool acronym. So yeah, two days without a shower, I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now about the fact that I work alone in my office. Because seriously, if I can smell myself, you know that it's trouble.

Words of Warning

2008-08-26T12:54:00.002-05:00

Because I am terrible at blogging nowadays, I present a bullet style list of warnings that I wish I had read prior to the last 5 days. It would have saved me a ton of grief.

Just because an elevator door is shiny and reflective like a mirror, that does not mean that you should actually use it as a mirror to get a close-up examination of that weird spot on your nose. Because if you're not paying attention and the door opens up while you're doing so, you may terrify the harmless people who are attempting to board the elevator and are instead confronted by your giant face right at the door.
(But really, if instead you're one of those harmless people, how's about you leave some space for people who are on the elevator to get out, hm? I'm not saying that you deserved a huge helping of Jason-face right up close and personal, but I refuse to take all the blame.)
There is a key and vital difference between the phrase "virtually free" and the word free. Focus on that difference before signing anything, or spending a lot of time with a salesman using such phrases. Because they are trying to rip you off.
If you're having fun at a bar people-watching, particularly the one guy who is hitting on the female bouncer in an hilarious/depressing manner, be very careful to watch yourself. Because you never know when said guy is going to choke on his drink due to a vigorous bout of dancing and be compelled to spit on the sidewalk, coincidentally right where your unguarded foot may be. Alternately, ignoring all the rest of the above, just never wear flip-flops to a bar.
Also, maybe you should go get a tetanus shot. And an STD test. Because seriously, gross.

Raindrops from the Ceiling

2008-08-20T14:37:00.002-05:00

It seems like I sure do complain about my apartment a lot, doesn't it? I swear, every third post nowadays has me whining about something going wrong over there. Really it's not too bad, I love the square footage, I've gotten used to the strange layout, and I really love the fake wood floors.

But today I want to talk about the fact that our air conditioner is totally trying to drive me insane.

It's not that it doesn't work - well okay, it sort of is that it doesn't work, since it doesn't actually circulate air all the way into my bathroom at the far side of my house, which makes relieving yourself a weirdly sweaty experience. Wait, that went to a strange place.

Regroup: It's not that the air conditioner doesn't work, it's just that it gathers condensation very easily. In order to combat this condensation, there is an overflow pipe that drains out under the house, and as a backup there's a secondary overflow that hangs directly over the kitchen sink, just in case the pipe isn't getting the job done. Usually this just means that at the height of summer we may have a little water dripping into the sink. It's mildly annoying, but nothing I can't handle.

This summer though, something is seriously wrong with the overflow pipe, which has resulted in a near constant stream of water splashing into our sink. It's loud. And unending. And it gets everywhere, as the splash radius is out of control. Then, not only was the water using the secondary pipe over the sink, the water even started leaking out of the corner of the access panel to the air conditioner.

Have you heard of water torture, where your interrogators drip water on your forehead slowly forever until you go mad? This is how I feel, except it's not so much on my forehead as it is an unending irregular beat on the linoleum floor and steel sink in my kitchen. Constantly, the drip-tink-drip-drip-splash-drip-tink-splash. Forever. Even when the air conditioner is off.

Finally unable to take it anymore, we had the landlord bring out a handyman to flush the pipes in order to get the insanity to stop. When he opened the panel to a huge rush of water that flooded the kitchen, I held little hope that he would affect much change. But I will give him credit, after blowing out the pipes, there is much less dripping and it's eliminated all but the sink pipe problem, which is reduced.

Still, it haunts me.

Thus, I have fashioned the most awesome piece of in-house ingenuity that has ever been created. It's a washing machine hose that covers the pipe opening and then snakes down along the wall to the side of the sink, where the water harmlessly dribbles down the drain, without a single sound.

Sure, it looks like the most ghetto, half-assed thing in the world. And hangs down terribly awkwardly, completely dominating your field of vision when you walk into the room. And at night in the darkness and shadow of the light filtered from the living room, it may look like a huge tentacled monster about to pounce on your head. (I said it "may" look like that, not that that exact train of thought went through my head. And it especially did not do so two nights ago, to the point where I actually shrieked and did a sort of crouch-and-roll in the kitchen at 1:00 AM. Ahem.)

Oh, and also, I had no good way to attach the hose to the pipe, and thus have rigged up an elaborate device to hold it in place. Which is made up of at least: a nail hammered into the ceiling, several lengths of nylon string, a paperclip, and a surprisingly large amount of sticky tack adhesive gum.

But whatever. Let's focus on the fact that I no longer have to deal with the constant drip-drip-dripping.

You've all read the Tell-Tale Heart, you know how this whole thing would have ended without my contraption.

Groundbreaking Belligerent & Numerous Olympic Coverage

2008-08-14T15:20:00.003-05:00

Okay, so the title's a bit hyperbolic.

Because seriously, I don't know why, but I just have no interest whatsoever in the summer Olympics this year. I tried at first - saw parts of that wild and crazy opening ceremony, then sort of listened in when they were breaking down when which events would happen. And I was totally into it when they showed the early badminton rounds right there on one of the major stations. It definitely revived my lifelong (or since senior year of college) dream of becoming a world-renowned badminton player, but very quickly my interest in the rest of games evaporated. Mostly under piles of sports I couldn't care less about, and touching human interest stories that, as the great Kent Brockman so eloquently once put it, 'pull at the heartstrings and fog the mind.'

AND THEN, once I had already renounced the games, there was that horrible thing with the weightlifter and the destroyed arm (don't go looking for it, I beg you), which I managed to see despite only turning on a TV once this week (and to watch Project Runway, at that). Why the news broadcast that is shown in my office lobby felt the need to give us a slow-mo replay of that is completely beyond my comprehension. But thanks MSNBC. I'm glad that rather than finding out what the Dow was at, I got to view the utter destruction of a man's elbow. That was swell.

Anyways, to recap: not only did I not care about the Olympics, I was actively disgusted with them.

But leave it to network TV to pull out all the stops in finding a way to pique my interest again:

NBC challenge - Guess the Olympic swimmer based on his abs.

Well played NBC. Well played.

Counting Down From 100

2008-08-13T13:59:00.004-05:00

Apropos to the height of summer (when you're most likely to find yourself outdoors without a shirt on) I had been looking for a new exercise program that I could get into without killing myself, and/or incurring the cost of a gym membership.

I was ready to despair and start pricing out exactly how many years of debt I would accrue by signing up with various local gyms, until I ran across this lovely website, One Hundred Push Ups. It completes me in every exercisable way possible.

Takes almost no time whatsoever
Can be done in the privacy of your own bedroom
Is simple to do
Has measurable results that are quick and easily recognizable
Did I mention that it takes practically no time at all?

It's not a program designed to do much of anything really, except get you good at doing push ups, and in the meantime give you a nice upper body. And hot damn, it really works. I'm all the way into week 5, and may actually reach the expressed goal of 100 consecutive push ups in a single round. Which is absolutely insane, considering when I started I could only do about 31 before collapsing into a sweaty heap.

It has the benefits of exercising without, y'know, actually exercising longer than 10 minutes every other day. Which is pretty sweet. And it's gotten me to the point where I feel like I can move on to a full-on exercise program without potentially dying halfway through.

I completely forget what the point of this post was at this point, so I guess this is just a shill post: Go exercise. And if you're like me and don't want to, just do this thing. It's easy and awesome.

(Side note: still not going outdoors without my shirt on, though. People around The Village are way too attractive. Bums me out. Also, still wildly pale as they haven't fixed the pool in my complex yet. Maybe next summer.)

Oxymoron and Vehicle Bands

2008-08-12T12:34:00.003-05:00

So last night we went to see The Hush Sound over at The Door (what used to be The Gypsy Tea Room). I was a little worried at first. A) It's a Monday night concert, B) I've never heard of any of the opening bands except in passing, and C) I really don't know how well The Hush Sound would actually sound in concert, as their albums are full of super produced songs.

Surprisingly, though, it was a pretty great show. Full details below the cut (along with a couple of youtube videos).

So there were 4 bands up for the show: The Morning Light, Steel Train, The Cab, and The Hush Sound.

First band was supposed to go on at 7:30, so we figured it would be at least a couple of hours before The Hush Sound. But since I love going to gape at the potential horror that is opening bands, we got there before 8:00, with enough time to catch most of The Morning Light's set to start off the night.

I, uh, would like to follow the old adage about one's inability to say nice things, but I feel like some comment is in order. Umm, the drummer was really energetic, which was fun. And the lead singer got to use a tamborine, which he obviously enjoyed. So good for them.

Okay, it wasn't great - kinda like a Taking Back Sunday sort of vibe, crossed with some Death Cab, only not quite in tune, and not quite able to nail down the art of alternating between scream-singing and regular singing. But at least they were quick.

The delightfully named Steel Train was next, and I'm not even going to pretend to be objective here - I loooooved this set. I had never heard of these people before, but from the very first second the lead singer started up with his crazy eyes, they had me hooked. I am not kidding in the slightest. Dude looked about 2 degrees from just murdering everyone in the crowd, but damn if they didn't put on one of the best opening sets I've ever seen. Polished, musical, a little crazy, I was all the way onboard. And then there was the Mamma Mia singalong section which lost me for a moment, but their closer got me right back on track with enough heavy drums to shake the foundations of my brain. Complete love.

Then things got weird.

So, supposedly The Cab is next. Which I have heard of before, but in my mind I had associated a whiny emo band with this name. Instead we get an afro-ed Christian Siriano look-alike playing an acoustic guitar and an oily longhaired dude in a wifebeater, singing random warbling songs, interspersed with nsync covers. I swear to God, it was like the most unexpected thing.

Mostly because it turns out that they kind of are a whiny emo band (okay, less whiny than most, they aren't that bad) but they were missing half their members and all of the band part.

Whatever, it was weird, but not horrible. The guitarist was actually a shockingly great player with some nice pitch, and the Timberlake-wannabe had a pretty good voice, while doing hand gestures to mimic the lyrics he was singing. If questioned at gunpoint, I would admit that it was actually kind of entertaining. And when the guy behind us yelled "Do Sexyback!" I about lost my shit. Good times.

And then there was The Hush Sound. Who were actually really good, despite a bit of soundcheck issues (I swear the lead mic was too quiet by at least half). They're fun, and pretty energetic despite obviously being crazy exhausted. Various highlights:

The drummer nearly killing himself with a microphone in the first song by being the most hyper drummer in the history of bands. I thought he was going to rattle the flimsy stage into pieces with his hopping and bopping around.
The completely out of left field cover of Back in the USSR, which is just a great song in general.
The attempt at bandmember banter, where the lead girl was obviously far too tired to care, and just stopped to stare at the bass player for 20 seconds rather than give a response to his zinger. I don't know if it was supposed to be, but it was damn hilarious.
Oh, and the cover of the Jackson 5's Want You Back. A good night for covers (the nsync excepted) all around.

A few of videos from the night:

The weird Mamma Mia Interlude from Steel Train:

The Cab(ish) - I'll Run:

The Hush Sound and Steel Train doing I Want You Back:

There are Worse Things than Consumer Weekends

2008-08-11T14:39:00.002-05:00

Jason Finance Watch for August

Things Bought:

New wireless mouse, complete with scrollwheel and magical laser tracking
DVDs of Cloverfield and X-2, on super sale at Best Buy
New full size memory foam mattress pad for bed, replacing previous pad that was only for a twin (and also gross and ancient)
New 500 thread count sheet set for bed to enhance new pad (and replace the jersey knit sheets that were suffocating me at night)
New down comforter to enhance new sheet set
Tickets to go see The Hush Sound at The Door tonight (!!)
Insurance for my car for the next 6 months (also entitled: Holy Shit, Insurance is Expensive)

Things Not Bought:

New wireless keyboard to replace my still working wired one
DVD of A Bug's Life, which was only on $5 off sale
New pillows to go with abovementioned bed set
New duvet cover for same
New bedskirt to prevent clashing
Tickets to see Ben Folds in October at the Palladium
The oil change for my car that was scheduled for last Friday
A dog

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the balance struck, between buying and not buying. Particularly since I didn't spend any of my non-essentials budget in July, so if you rollover that amount into this month, I still can be considered on budget.

And also, my bed is now so awesome, it's hard to fathom. And I did it without resorting to spending scads of money on a whole new mattress (which I also really wanted to buy).

Woo consumerism!

Filler Friday

2008-08-08T12:34:00.004-05:00

An amalgamation of the things rattling through my head today:

So, my mouse died two days ago. I should clarify that to be a computer mouse, not a pet mouse that I might have had, or one that was living in my house against my will. I guess 6 years is an appropriate lifespan for a mouse, but I still miss it. Particularly since I went to three different stores and couldn't find a single mouse that was of comparable quality that did not cost over $60 dollars.

Instead, I had to resort to online shopping, and due to shipping times I have spent the last 2 days using my backup mouse (AKA, the original Dell mouse that came with my boss's 1994 desktop computer, which I have in my closet for some reason.) Do you remember what mice were like in 1994? It's terrifying. I will never take my scroll wheel for granted again.
In that Fergie song Glamorous, the line is "After the Grammys, I like to go out with my family/Sipping, reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang."

It's not "when I had a mustache," as I had so remembered it in my mind. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Also, I'm not sure which part bothers me more - that I remembered it wrong in the first place, or the fact that I never questioned why she used to have a mustache.

. . . I don't know, leave me alone, I'm tired.
I went to the automated car wash yesterday because my Jaguar looked like it had been through a sandstorm, after the last mini-rainstorm we had that knocked the remaining pollen from that devil tree outside my apartment. In line in front of me was a truck that had one of those huge bike mounts attached to the back. When the flailing wheels of scrubbers tried to clean the back gate of the truck, the left flailer got lodged in the mount, and in retaliation for this, the entire machine attempted to drag the truck off the track and into the shadowy recesses to the side. Eventually the flailer was dislodged without destroying itself or eating the truck, so normally this wouldn't even be a story worth relating.

But apparently the owner of said truck must have had some super deep seated fear of automated car washes, because he absolutely lost his shit when the machine got stuck and started pulling against the truck. Not like angry losing it, like scared losing it - huge terrified look on his face as if a T-Rex was gnawing on the back end of the car, what looked like a shriek of horror, and then randomly slamming his hands down on his horn. As if maybe the mechanical cleaning device would be all "Oh, a loud noise, I should stop what I'm doing."

It was definitely the strangest thing I've seen in at least 5 days.
So I've been rewatching the third season of How I Met Your Mother (because I have absolutely no life, and scheduled TV is junk right now) and it's so strange. It's got to be the most wildly uneven single season of TV I've ever seen, short of the 5th season of Buffy. Some utterly garbage episodes, immediately beside others that qualify as some of the best in the whole series. I think the strike worked really hard against them, but I'm still not sure if that's a sufficient excuse. But anyways, the real thing I want to talk about is how shockingly sad the whole Barney/Ted breakup thing is over those last few episodes of the season. It was actually kind of moving, which is just super weird. So help me if Neil Patrick Harris does not win that Emmy.
Oh, and in conjunction with that, have I recently mentioned my ungodly crush on the NPH? Because damn. And it's just been further increased by the whole Dr. Horrible Sing-along Blog thing, in which he is just too perfect for words, and is also terribly cute, and is also the saddest thing I've seen since Atonement.

I refuse to get suckered in by Joss Whedon ever again. I have a little post-it now right next to my computer. It reads "Don't trust Whedon when love is involved. It's going to end horribly and you're going to cry." And then there's a little picture I drew of a sad faced beaver next to a tombstone.

Write What You Know

2008-08-06T13:11:00.002-05:00

Man, I had this whole thing planned out, where I could write an entry that would combine two stories that I wanted to tell into one, and it would be interesting and compelling. (yeah, right, but let's let me have my delusion how 'bout?)

Instead I'm going to whine about health care for a little while and then call it a day.

Because sweet damn, I have the most ungodly headache going on, and it's been like this for 36 hours straight. My allergies have apparently taken to just lying in wait for 3-4 month periods, before deciding to mount a full on hostile takeover of my entire body for a quick, if utterly crushing, 3 or 4 day allergy-fest. I don't think I've had a single sinus related headache since February, and now suddenly I can't even get a bright light in my peripheral vision, for the fear that it will send me off on an epic sneezing adventure that will continue until my body quite literally shuts down from the spikes of pain between my eyes (This happened twice yesterday. Why my office has such blinding lights is complete beyond me).

Now normally, I would just go to the doctor for an allergy shot, as I used to find a $55 expense a completely reasonable trade off for the ability to become a functional member of society again. But due to the restructuring of my employment, I'm now on an individual health care plan. Which is a very cute way of saying that I have absolutely no coverage for anything that is not a life threatening hospital visit.

So what used to be $55 is now more like $347, and that's assuming it's just an allergy attack and not actually a sinus infection, the thought of which I immediately banish. Lab costs are a thing invented by the devil to sap both my will to live and any potential that I had of actually getting to buy a new bed before the end of the year.

But anyways, on to the real whining!

Why, in God's name, is it so expensive to see a doctor? Or more helpfully, why is it impossible to get regular health coverage as a singular person that doesn't cost more than $500 a month? It's not like I'm a health risk. I go to the doctor approximately twice a year, and both times it's for this allergy shot. The only hospital visit I've ever had was 2 years ago (the whole epic trial that was my little finger's battle with sharp dishes). There's no one out there who's willing to take on that little liability for less than $6,144 (the reigning champ for lowest HMO bid I got from 11 different insurance companies)?

My mind, it boggles. Or it would boggle, if it could do anything but throb wildly with pain.

----------------

Ugh. But we shall think positive thoughts. Maybe tomorrow this will have all resolved itself and we can get back to the original plan of this totally being my month.

Angry Torch-wielding Homeowners

2008-08-05T11:15:00.003-05:00

In my apartment complex's never-ending quest to annoy me to the point of madness, they have hit upon the best way to drive me from happiness to rage faster than I believed possible. Namely, the entrance gate immediately outside my building has started malfunctioning.

But wait, malfunctioning doesn't quite cover it. What's it called when you think something is maliciously not working on purpose? Sabotage.

Yes, that's it. I think the gate is actively trying to sabotage my happiness. Because sometimes it works. I push the little button on my keyring, and the gate magically slides open. This happens approximately once in every 5 attempts, just enough for me to keep trying it, even though it probably won't. To make things worse, there's no rhyme or reason to when it will open. Sometimes in the mornings, the keyring won't work, but if I get my car all the way up to the gate to leave, it will start opening. Other mornings, the keyring works from all the way at my front door (rarely). Then the next time I try it (like this morning) not only does the keyring not work, getting up right next to the gate won't trigger the opening either, and I have to drive all the way around to the main gate.

Repeat those same options for every other time of the day (coming home from work, coming home late after a movie, leaving in the afternoon to go on an ice cream run, etc.) and vary the responses completely at random, and you start to get the idea of the roulette wheel that has become my attempts to leave or enter my apartment complex. But again, the randomness seems to have a darker edge - it's more likely not to work when I'm particularly late, or in a bad mood, or generally exhausted. And the time it's most likely to not work at all? When I'm in an okay mood, but just need one more thing to push me right into an official bad mood. This gate is sentient, and it's vicious.

"Well Jason," you say. "Why not just use the main gate all the time then? Why subject yourself to torture at the hands of an evil incarnate mechanical fence when there is a reasonable alternative right there available?"

Because, blog person, the other option (the main gate) is very far away. Like, several dozen feet. And if I want to let someone into the main gate, it involves putting on shoes (and probably clothes too, since I'm pretty brief with outfits in my house, since it's 100s of degrees in Texas right now) and actually walking those feet myself, to get in keyring range of said gate. Plus, there are stairs involved! 6 of them! Alternatively, if I go to let someone into the gate by my building, the most I have to walk is the 10 feet into my living room (clothing optional).

And if I'm the one going in or out, I have to traverse the Speed Bumps of Inappropriate Size and Placement, AKA the driveway that wraps around my building. Seriously, I have never met speed bumps so poorly constructed and placed in my life. They look like they were built by 8 year-olds playing with modeling clay - little snakes across the drive that vary in height and texture. I care way too much about the underside of my beautiful car than I care to admit, but even I will allow that I'll do everything in my power to avoid ever driving over those things, up to and including throwing a little temper tantrum inside my car and scaring the kids next door.

But yeah, I'm not the only one who has this really powerful anger towards the capriciously mean gate - all my neighbors have been slowly simmering with their rage, and they're just about to boil over. Yesterday, when I got home I tried to come in the near gate, but it wouldn't open. My next door neighbor was immediately behind me in the drive coming in, and thus he had to back up directly into traffic in order for us to get to the main gate. After a very near crash with a DART bus making a questionably illegal left turn, he made it home, but upon getting out of his car he unleashed a string of obscenities that was impressive even to me, a person who conjugates new forms of the word fuck daily.

When you combine this latest problem with the lack of gas for 4 months earlier this year, the interruption of mail for 4 days last week, and the continued closure of the apartment pool due to lack of working pump, I can practically feel the rage of my neighbors seeping through the walls. Because did I already mention the heat? You don't deprive people of their only source of cool water when you can fry an egg on the concrete outside their front door. A gate that thwarts you at every turn is the last straw that may very well break our collective camel's back, to twist a metaphor beyond recognition.

I'm just waiting for the night when a mob of angry homeowners comes a'knocking, rousing me to come join them on their quest to overthrow the homeowners association president who lives at the top of the hill.

Why else would I have this pitchfork lying next to the front door?

On Being Less Crazy

2008-07-30T11:52:00.004-05:00

So lately, I'm always nervous.

And this isn't one of those 'always' modifiers that is hyperbolic - I'm quite literally nervous every second of every day. Even in my sleep, my teeth are grinding themselves down into little flat cubes while my brain works overtime. So much so that I'm actively considering getting a mouth guard to rescue them. Except I'm too poor to get a fancy fitted one from a dentist, so I'm talking about one that you would normally see attached to a football helmet. I'm still all manners of classy, you see.

The cause of all this paralyzing nervousness is mostly job related. Once upon a time, the mortgage industry was stressful and full of very high maintenance people but it was always guaranteed to be there, all solid and professional. I mean, people always need houses, right? Heh, yeaahhhhh, not so much.

Now, in the past 4 months, I have had three separate scares wherein my office was closing, and I had about 10 days to find new employment in an industry that is downsizing so wildly that my contacts portfolio is now 1/8 the size it was 6 months ago. Each one of these announcements was eventually rescinded in the face of hopefulness for the future, but not before I had personally spent enough money on Tums to keep the antacid industry solvent for at least the rest of the decade. The fact that I still have my same job is a good testament to the tenacity of the people in our office, but also is a sign that we're more than a little insane (see also: the unholy tic that I've developed in my lower left eyelid).

In any case, though, I keep a vigilant watch over the job market, on the odd chance that I can jump to a more stable ship. One less likely to cause a psychotic break, for instance. Or maybe one that didn't toy with my emotions like a sadistic game of musical chairs.

But it's weird how exhausting just the idea of job hunting can be. I mean, my tribulations with the application process are well documented (probably on this blog, for that matter), but in my mind, I remember it mostly as a lot of embarrassing but funny little anecdotes. In the new harsh reality of today, I'm no better at interviews now than back then, only I've developed the nervous tic of calling everyone in the world Sir, like I'm goddamn Marcie from Peanuts.

This is not my beautiful post-college life.

-----------------------------

All that said, though, I'm moving on. I'm employed for a least another month, and I fully resolve to be less of a basket case this month. I'm going back to the old ways - blogging in my spare time, rather than rocking back and forth in a little ball on my bed, going out for drinks in the afternoon instead of trolling Monster.com for alternate careers that don't involve a collapsing housing market and the cannibalization of the banking industry. Socializing with real, live, humans!

This will be my month, dammit. I will be fun. And willful. And confident. And possibly (probably) very drunk for most of it.

-----------------------------

Although I do wish I had picked a less offensively hot month to be mine. It's gotta be like, 107 degrees outside right now. Even if I had a mouth guard, it would probably be a little puddle of plastic by now.

See?!

Finally, something that's sort of a positive.

Totally my month.

Watch out, world.

No Good, Terrible, Bad Days

2008-06-30T13:02:00.000-05:00

I was in the worst mood.

I had just spent 9 completely unproductive hours in the office and all I had to show for it were three new paper cuts, 2 new bills that I hadn't realized would be due, and a splitting headache to boot.

When I got home and found my apartment smelling terrible due to a lack of kitchen cleaning, I was about ready to lose it. But I was feeling just put-upon enough that my righteous indignation carried me all the way through a really thorough cleaning of the whole apartment.

Afterward I was still in a funk and riding that same wave of adrenaline, so I decided to work out too. I ran through a Tae bo routine (because I live at least 8 years behind the rest of the world at all times) and then powered through a whole bunch of weightlifting until I was just completely exhausted, and just about dripping with sweat.

Finally I sort of felt my anger at the day melting away. All I wanted to do was crash and watch the last new movie I had from Blockbuster - The Assassination Jesse James Blah Blah Etc and Whatnot. I figured if there was ever going to be a time when I was willing to sit through a 3 hour period drama about the Old West, it would be right then - when I could barely raise an arm, let alone turn get off the couch and turn off a DVD player in disgust.

Except that, once I had toweled off the majority of my sweat and grabbed the DVD envelope, it turned out that they had sent me the wrong disc. Instead of The Assassination of Brad Pitt by One of those Affleck Boys, I had Disc Two of Ellen DeGeneres Here and Now.

Man, I was so steamed. Not that I really have anything against Ellen, but still, when you're expecting hot guys in cowboy hats and you get a lesbian doing stand-up, it's a tough blow to roll with. Really, it was just the whole day and that was the last straw. But I think I was still really pumped up on all the testosterone from the workout, because rather than just collapsing on the couch for a good cry (as my normal response would be) without thinking, I gathered up all my DVD's and bolted for my car to Blockbuster. I was going to find something there that I really wanted to watch and somehow salvage this terrible day.

---------

I entered Blockbuster with an air of restrained fury and was determined to find a movie and get out in under 10 minutes. When the guy at the checkout counter faltered in the middle of his routine greeting, I probably should have realized things would never be that smooth:

"Hi! Welcome to Blo-*ahem*"

Instead I assumed that maybe my withering glance in his direction had shocked him into silence. About 3 minutes later, though, I caught a quick glance of myself in the reflection of a window, and understood that it was probably my appearance that had shut him up. It also explained the little twitch of a laughing smile he repressed too.

Because in my mini-fury, I had forgotten that I was still in my workout outfit - super small black running shorts, XXXL muscle tee that hung off my shoulders so far that it revealed better than half my chest, and my hair standing straight into the air about 10 inches, from being held back in a headband for an hour.

Whatever. I didn't care, I've got a fine self body image, and I made peace with my hair months ago. I grab my movie (The Descent - I want to see some cave-dwelling monsters get their skulls crushed in. Still very full of testosterone.) and get in line. There were only two other people ahead of me, and they were both high school girls. At first they were giggling and messing around with the various impulse items in the line. As I came up in line they fell into a hushed series of whispers. I tried to tune out as much of their antics as possible, and focused on the rack of candy to my side.

Just visualizing getting home, watching some mindless horror, and putting this horrible day behind me--

"Hey," says Girl #1. They've both turned to stare at me.
"Uh, me?" I look up from the bag of Pixi Sticks I am reading and trying to talk myself out of buying and look around to make sure I'm not blocking someone they know.
"Yeah, you," she saids giggling, punctuating her 'you' with an index finger to my shoulder.
("Is she picking a fight with me?" I start to wonder.)
"What's your name?" She cocks her head to one side and just her hip to the opposing side.
"Uh, Jason." I start praying in my head that this is not going where I think it's going.
"Oh, cool. Jaaason." She draws my name out and smiles. Maybe she's just drunk. Or high.
"I'm Brie. This is Candice. What'cha renting? The Descent? That looks scary. I really like scary movies. But only if I have someone to hold on to." By the end of this rambling line of thought, she's officially moved into my personal space.
"Ahh, I see," I murmur as quietly as possible, narrowing my eyes and attempting to back up, only then realizing that I had already backed up as far as possible and was pressing by back into the candy rack.
I dart my eyes over to the friend, to see if I can find some hint about what's going on here. Is this an elaborate dare? She's got this appraising look going on, and I suddenly really wish that I had more of a shirt on than I do right at this exact moment. High school girls are not this aggressive, right?
"So, are you here by yourself? Is this your first week off from school too?"

It doesn't matter that I'm still completely sort of pissed off from this day, or that I'm basically half naked and covered in sweat in a Blockbuster - I completely just bust out laughing. I don't mean to, but seriously. Like, uncontrollable laughter, from deep within. The two girls stop and look at each other a little puzzled, but don't join in. I realize right then that they might have actually been serious, but I cannot stop laughing. Luckily, almost simultaneous with my inappropriate bout of laughter the guy up front calls for the next person in line.

The girls tell me to go ahead, since they're still waiting for another friend of theirs, starting to look at me a little funny. I get it down to a mild chuckle and tell them thanks, and that it was nice to meet them.

The checkout guy can obviously tell something strange is going on, but he's not going to get involved.

As I head out the main door, my principle interrogator calls out "Bye Jason!"

Determined not to bust out laughing, I turn and wave goodbye. As creepy as it was, I suppose one should still take it as a compliment.

And turning back to leave, I manage to misjudge how far the door will open and slam half my body against the frame. And then - reaching back to steady myself from falling - I crunch the little finger on my right hand against the other door handle.

Not daring to look back I virtually sprint back to my car and vow to never leave the house ever again.

Worst. Day. Ever.

The Revolution Will Only Be Televised on the Internet

2008-06-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

So about two weeks ago, I went to watch my latest obsession, How It's Made on the Discovery Channel (which I love in a very deep 'I-wish-I-could-work-in-a-factory' sort of way). But when I turned on the TV, instead of my delicious cable, I found a black screen and a little box that said "One Moment - This channel should be available shortly".

That was totally a lie - there was no cable to be had for several days (by several I mean 10). And when I called the reprehensible Time Warner to complain, their response was "We're aware of the problem. No, we don't know what is wrong. Or when it will be fixed. Hope you're cool with that."

After I got over my spitting rage at the complete ineptitude of the world (seriously, at one point last week: cable (out), apartment gas (out), car (still not fixed), phone (cannot retrieve voicemail), insurance (not covering anything), payroll (not issuing me my cash). I was ready to shank someone.) I reassessed things and realized that this was no where near as bad as it seemed.

Mostly because cable TV is totally superfluous now.

Have you been to Hulu? Do you realize that at any time you can now pretty much whatever you want whenever you want, and all you have to suffer through is potentially 90 seconds of commercials per episode? Sure, it's not everything in the world, but it's enough to keep you going for a good long while.

Want some nostalgic sitcoms? You've got full seasons of NewsRadio, or Major Dad.

Looking for current dramas? How about every single episode of The Riches, Friday Night Lights, or the last season of Nip/Tuck?

Current comedies? You've got the last season of The Office, 30 Rock, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia right there waiting.

And then for your news needs - they keep the most current episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report right there for you to catch up on the next morning.

I swear, if they would just migrate How I Met Your Mother over from CBS.com, I don't know that I would ever need another thing.

Which brings up the other thing - anything else worth watching is almost certainly just an official website away. If you're into Ugly Betty, hit ABC.com (although they're still a little weird about what is available on any given day). Same thing if you've suffered a recent head injury and are still watching Grey's Anatomy. I already mentioned How I Met Your Mother. South Park has it's own website that dedicatedly streams every episode ever made.

Even How It's Made has it's own online channel.

Join me, my brothers, and throw off the chains of cable and satellite oppression. There's still time to escape and be free. You'll never have another productive hour of your life, so long as you still have internet access. It's a wonderful thing.

Since this Blog is Only About Hair Now

2008-06-25T11:34:00.001-05:00

I now present the picture that was the final straw in convincing me that I should get a haircut, and at the same time is quite possibly my favorite picture ever taken of me.

I'm now sporting a much cleaner and professional cut, but it doesn't photograph anywhere nearly as well.

I mean damn.

(I promise that someday there will be actual content forthcoming again, but that day is not today. Maybe tomorrow.)

Vainposting and the Art of Not Caring

2008-05-07T10:33:00.000-05:00

My long term battle with my hair is well documented.

At this point, we've sort of come to an impasse - I don't like it, it doesn't like me, and we've accepted that fact. There was a bit of a scuffle very early in January, when it refused to conform to anything remotely professional looking and I responded by cutting it all off to within an inch of my scalp. But that was resolved pretty squarely in favor of the hair, when I got the pictures back from my January visit to Austin and I looked like the world's most confused and drunken escaped mental patient in every single photo.

But lately I've just let the hair do its growing thing, and it's been perfectly happy to just there lie like a bushy mass on my head. Part of this hair indifference included letting semi-professional hair people do pretty much whatever they wanted to it for the first quarter of the year. When Jordan went to cosmetology school for a month and needed a hair dying model person, I volunteered my unruly mop for a coloring. And then the next month when his friend David needed a model as well, I signed up for a second coating without a thought.

People kept just politely nodding their heads and secretly rolling their eyes when I said that I really didn't care what my hair looked like, but I quite literally meant it. I would still attempt to tame it into something respectable on the off chance that it might finally have given up the battle, but I had truly decided to make a concerted effort not to put too much stock in how my hair reflected my worth as a human being.

And omigosh, it's so great. I realize now that the difference between great hair and normal hair is so much wider than the difference between normal hair and bad hair. And that the difference between bad hair and truly horrible hair is the widest gap of all. Or more plainly - there's pretty much nothing I can do to my head to get out of the normal-bad range, and no one in the world is going to care one way or the other.

So now I go with all out non-caring - I wash my hair in the morning, towel it dry, and then run my hands through it until it's roughly flat on my head. And then I don't mess with it for the rest of the day. Except on occasions when I'm in the privacy of my own home and I wear a headband to keep the hair out of my eyes, as previously disclosed. It's so awesome. And functional.

Plus, it doesn't look that terrible.

Okay, maybe I do look like I've wandered straight out of an 80's movie, what with the feathered nature of how it now falls. And sure, it's gone from 'mildly bushy' to 'so bushy that it brushes the ceiling of car when I get in' while rapidly approaching 'white boy afro' levels. And yes, I have grown out my sideburns down my chin, to offset the 80's look of the upper hair by doing a throwback to the mid 1920's. ...Wait, I forget exactly where this whole story was going.

Um, hair. Yes. Not caring is awesome. I never want to go to a barber ever again. We'll see how long I can hold out. We're currently somewhere around month three. I probably give it another three weeks, roughly, or until I can see my hair at all times in my field of vision. That's usually what causes me to snap. But maybe my willpower and self image have gone up so much lately that I'll be able to last for ages without caring what others think of my crazy 80's mane.

(Yeah, seriously, three weeks)

When Good Cars Go Bad

2008-05-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

We all knew it had to happen eventually. My Car of Awesomeness (who is rapidly approaching his first anniversary with me) has started down the dark path that the Truck of Malfunction forged many, many years ago.

I know at first I was a little worried when, less than a month in, we had that brief period where the car was possessed by Satan. But that was resolved in general short order, and there had been no problems since. (Unless you count the fact that it burns through gas so fast that I can literally watch as the gas gauge goes down, which is slightly demoralizing in an age where one gallon of gas costs more than a 12 pack of Coke. But let's not get into that.)

Then, about two months ago I started to notice that my left front tire was a little flat. Almost imperceptibly, but as time went on, it definitely got flatter. So I ran by a gas station, filled it back up, and fully intended to go get it checked out at the tire place.

But time passed and I grew complacent. It wasn't actually getting any flatter anymore, it was just one of those things. And then when it did start to get noticeably flat, I ignored the problem until my car actually started to pull towards the left. And again, I simply filled the tire with air rather than going to the store.

What can I say? I was young. And foolish. And the tire place was totally like at least seven miles up the road.

Okay, so maybe the car isn't so much heading down the TOM path of destruction so much as my own carefully crafted path of willful ignorance, but follow along, it's an exciting story.

----------------------

All of this rising action and foreshadowing leads us up to last weekend when I am supposed to drive out into deep East Texas for my Mom's family birthday lunch. As is our family tradition, the diaspora of our clan is temporarily put on hold, as we return together for a single meal on each member's date of birth. Usually held at a delightfully colorful theme restaurant.

We decide to shoot for a late afternoon meal, as going to church Sunday mornings always adds an extra element of complexity to the proceedings. I head out from Dallas just at 12:00 so I should arrive roughly at 2:30-2:45, with some spare room for traffic to make the 3:00 meeting time. I once again notice that my tire is looking a touch low, and thus do a quick fill up before I embark. (Note: this would be the third fill up of its kind in under 2 months. Lord knows I never was called the brightest bulb in the box.)

Things go great as the trip begins. Traffic is super light, I have both the new Hush Sound album and a copy of the latest offering from The National to obsess over/dance around to all the way up there.

Now the trip from Dallas to Longview is a relatively simple one. There is only one highway involved, and it is basically a straight horizontal line connecting the two cities. The only thing of note about the drive is that there is pretty much nothing in between the two places, besides a plethora of empty or cow-ridden fields. There is one city about 30 minutes outside the Metroplex, then the turn off for the only other mid size city (Tyler) and then nothing for upwards of 80 miles.

So of course, my tire chooses the dead center of this Nothing Span in which to completely blow out. I actually had about 15 seconds of warning about this, luckily, as my car started making a peculiar *Wwhoomp* *Wwhoomp* sort of noise as a precursor to becoming completely undrivable. This causes me to slow from 75 to 65 mph, which is probably the only thing that saved me from untimely death, as I still nearly careened straight off the road I was on and into a nearby creek. Instead, I slam on my breaks and am able to instead just crazy swerve my way over to the side of the road, minus a large portion of my tire.

After a couple of fun moments of hyperventilating, personal body checking to make sure all limbs were still intact, and nervous laughing, I make my way out of the car to survey the damage.

I pull out the jack and spend an agonizingly long period of time lying on the ground trying to find the lip of the car body that I'm supposed to brace it against. Then I spend an even longer time lying on the ground attempting to figure out how to pump up the jack using only this coat hanger-like apparatus that was packed in alongside it. Once I get the car up in the air and the old tire off, I'm able to see just how bad a blowout it was - nearly a 5 inch hole on the interior wall of the tire. It looks like the exit wound of a particularly nasty shotgun blast. I have a brief fever dream while lying on the side of the busy highway of an armed robbery gone bad in the interior of my left front tire - their last job before they were going to go straight too - until I shake myself out of it and get the little tiny spare tire attached to the car.

I'm wildly impressed with my tire changing abilities (which, yeah, I probably shouldn't be, but come on. Show of hands, how many of you would think I could change a tire under my own power without dropping a car on my head?) but now face the fact that I'm going to have to drive at least 60 miles in any one direction before I'm going to find civilization advanced enough to help me get off this Baby's First Tire that I've got going on.

Getting up to 60 mphs is an epic feat and strain for my car at this point, so we stick with about 55 mph, all the while wheezing down the highway as we are passed by 18 wheelers, uHauls, and even old people driving those giant camper houses on wheels, with dumb names like The Summer Breeze, or The Elegant Pelican. I'm thoroughly humiliated for my fancy luxury sedan, but at least it's still operational and we aren't in a sort of Deliverance/Wrong Turn situation where I'm forced to go wandering through the woods for help.

I decide to just head for Longview, as it's probably the closest and biggest place that I can reach without dying, and make it there with little further issue, although minus a large portion of my dignity. I arrive at the restaurant and the hostess blanches at the sight of me, probably thinking that she's going to have to rush some bum out of her fancy establishment. Finally for once I have an excuse for getting this look, as I'm pretty much covered head to toe in gravel, brake dust, jack grease, and God knows what else.

Being pretty sure that there isn't a place that could help me at this point anyways, I enjoy a nice leisurely (if soot covered) dinner with my family, who has awesomely waited around for an extra hour and a half just for me, chowing down on chips and what have you while placing side bets on what sort of disaster had befallen me this time.

Afterwards I make the long journey home to Dallas on the Tire of Stunted Growth, and find that if you just come to accept the fact that everyone on Earth is going to angrily rush by you, usually while flipping you off, driving can be really quiet and relaxing. Almost therapeutic. I'm not sure that it was worth the extra 2 hours of transit time, but it wasn't as horrible as I anticipated.

Still, getting the bird from the elderly driver of The Regal Eagle? It sticks with you.

----------------------

The next day I was able to get two new front tires and a front end alignment (the real reason for the blowout, apparently, insomuch as my alignment was far enough off that the inside of the tire was getting worn down about 10 times faster than it should be) with almost no trouble, assuming I didn't mind mortgaging my first born against the costs. Seriously, owning a fancy car is cool and all, but who would have ever expected that an expensive car would have associated expensive repair and maintenance costs? That shit just comes out of nowhere.

So to recap - stupidity and lack of CONSTANT VIGILANCE against potential car problems causes tire explosion and near death of the driver, but plucky ingenuity saves the day over said stupidity and everyone survives, just minus all their disposable income for the month.

Oh, and the bastards at the tire place totally lost one of my lug nuts on the tire they replaced. Which will take them as long to fix as it is taking the city to repair my gas at home. (Meaning they'll both be in place sometime around my 40th birthday.)

Woo and hoo.

A Primitive Lifestyle

2008-05-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

About 5 weeks ago, I came home after work and really wanted some cookies. Because I am incredibly handy around the kitchen like that, I set out to whip up a batch from scratch. And by scratch, I mean I added an egg to the Betty Crocker pre-made cookie mix and then spooned the results on to a cookie sheet. I tossed the sheet into the oven and set the timer for 13 minutes, practically drooling in anticipation.

When the alarm (finally) went off, I shook myself out of my cookie-lustful stupor, wiped my chin, and wandered back into the kitchen, expecting shortly to be able to stuff my mouth full of warm chocolaty goodness. Except upon inspection the cookie dough was in the exact same condition as when I put it in the oven.

"Fool!" I thought. "In your haste you forgot to preheat the oven. Now you will have to wait another 15 minutes before you can gorge yourself." I was very sad.

Until I looked over and realized that I had set the oven, it just wasn't getting hot.

This sounds way less ominous than it should, but right at this second you should hear the soundtrack that accompanies my life rise in dreadful anticipation of a horrible reveal.

Because while it may look like just a lack of cookie-making power one night, this one event was the foreshadowing of oh so much doom to come.

----------------------

We fast-forward to today, where I am still unable to cook anything. Because the city has shut off our gas. And by the current rate of things, they plan on never turning it back on.

----------------------

I feel like I already discussed my problem from a couple of months ago, where my hot water heater kept abruptly refusing to heat any water. Most commonly whenever I was actually in the shower, mid-way through the chorus of George Michael's Faith. But just in case I haven't - the boiler for my condo complex kept repeatedly failing over the course of several weeks. After (futilely) replacing the heating coils multiple times, the HOA board realized that it was actually a problem with the natural gas line going to the boiler. They put an above ground gas line directly to the heater while the real line was fixed, and everything seemed peachy.

That was until the moment 5 weeks ago when the gas line repair company came in and did the test to check the new line. Which indicated that there were at least two, possibly as many as four, huge gas leaks in the overall existing system in our complex, not just the one going to the water heater. And huge is sort of an understatement - according to one workman, had one of these leaks actually ignited it could have easily taken out our entire block.

My faith in urban safety now completely undermined, the city shut down the gas and has been systematically replacing the whole setup. Which apparently takes the entire length and breadth of time itself, as we are now approaching day 40 without the hint of gas. Do you know what sort of primitive lifestyle one must lead if you have a gas range stove with no gas to power it? Lemme tell you, it is not pretty.

Mostly it involves foraging in the wild (read: eating fast food for every meal), or subjecting yourself to eating radioactive matter (anything zapped in the microwave for extended periods of time). I have easily gained 10 pounds of weight, mostly in the form of french fries, which have directly applied themselves to line my torso, or in tiny microwaved hamburgers, which I feel go straight to my thighs.

Had I expected this little gas siege to last the rest of time, I might have sped up the plan that I put into motion over this weekend: buying an electric skillet to offset this new, even more wildly unhealthy lifestyle that has been thrust upon me. Unfortunately, my taste in skillets runs very cheap, as I'm already poor from the never ending eating out and the surprising expense of pre-made microwavable meals. So the skillet I ended up purchasing tends to only heat things in a very specific manner. Namely: Poorly, most kindly described as 'wildly uneven.'

Thus, to the two other food options we add a third: preservative-laden fast food, radioactive frozen meals, and alternatingly raw and burnt self-prepared delicacies. And not even I will buy the idea that something half raw and half totally blackened actually averages out to properly cooked. I'm a forager, not an idiot.

So still, we are left eating basically hand to mouth, wandering the streets looking for food made by others, all the while wondering if someday they will ever give us back the power to sustain ourselves on our own. And if so, will that day will arrive before I reach the weight of a killer whale, can no longer move under my own power, and approach all problems from the couch while wielding a reaching broom?

The answer most definitely seems to be no, but I lie in wait nonetheless - my pre-made cookie mix at the ready, an egg sitting in the refrigerator, under glass affixed with the words "Break in case of emergency. Or the ability to bake cookies," next to a tiny little hammer.

Someday, my friends, someday.

Fall From Grace

2008-03-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

In honor of the fact that just 4 days ago I commented that I hadn't done anything clumsy in at least a month, and was thinking about changing my About Me line.

I brought my lunch in to work, because I knew I had a closing that would be funding around noon. It was a good lunch: fruit cup, chocolate chip granola bar, 4 mini frosted donuts, and a can of coke. I tend to think of diabetes as an eventuality in my life.

At the tail end of my consumption, after I had finished all the food and was just working on the Coke, I had a phone call and needed to reference some paperwork at my desk. I shifted around so I would have the phone cradled in the crook of my neck and could hold the two pieces of paper I needed. After I gave over the relevant information on the file, the caller put me on hold while they went to confirm my information.

In my infinite wisdom at that point I set down one of the pieces of paper and take a drink of the Coke. Unfortunately I wasn't paying adequate attention, because instead of lining up the popped top with my mouth, I approached it at a 90 degree angle, which spilled a crazy ton of Coke all down the front of my nice white dress shirt. Unfortunate-er, the Coke then started to pool on my desk chair, rapidly soaking my crotch.

Thinking quickly, I set down both the Coke and the paper, and leaned forward while reaching down to raise myself up off the chair with both my hands. It was a more than a little awkward, but as I couldn't well stand up while still having the phone up against my ear, it was a workable solution, I thought.

More unfortunately still, though, I didn't stop to think that my desk chair was on wheels, and that my arms are much less stable than my lap. I overbalanced on my arms and the chair went shooting backwards out from under me. With nothing holding me up and already leaning forward, I fantastically thumped, forehead first, into the edge of my desk with my entire body weight.

The phone then popped out from my shoulder and knocked me in the eye on my way down to the floor. I was just sort of lying there stunned for about a second, until my desk chair came rolling back up to me, having rebounded off the desk behind me. Such was the force of the initial push. It lightly bumped up against my shoulder. . . and the puddle of Coke it contained sloshed over the side of the seat and directly onto my face.

And as I was laying there, covered in soda, with no doubt a huge bruise forming on my forehead and possibly my eye, I could vaguely hear the tinny sound of the person on the phone, from the dangling receiver: "I-i-is anyone there? I thought I hear a crash."

Love of Consumerism/Hate of Situation

2008-03-03T16:01:00.000-06:00

Today I love:

Vampire Weekend and Jenny Owen Youngs' Batten the Hatches, the two albums I got this weekend. I've had them both on repeat on my iPod for 2 days straight and still can't stop listening. Of particular note: Youngs' Voice on Tape, a song which I cannot get out of my head, and frankly don't even want to.
This bag of Hershey's Hugs in my hand, who's dual chocolaty goodness is the only thing keeping me alive at this point.
Brandon Sanderson. Particularly these two books of his, which are just amazing, and easily qualify as the best fantasy writing I've come across in the last 5 years. Have you ever been so into a book that you couldn't sleep until you finished it? That was me with the second one. Except not only would I not go to sleep, I wouldn't physically put the book down - carrying it with me as I took out my contacts, brushed my teeth, ironed my clothes for the next day. . . I was completely unconscious of this fact too, until I was actually in bed about to turn out the lights for the night when I realized I was still reading a book. So good. Also, as an offshoot of this.
Tor Books, who sent me the first of those as a free eBook, as part of some sort of literary promotion. It was definitely a worthwhile gamble on their part, as it got me to go out and immediately acquire the second book in the series less than 30 minutes after finishing the first, so good on them. They also keep sending another book each week. Which is sweet, except for the fact that the last two they sent me I already owned. Along with the respective sequels for both books. I guess I'm just already too deep inside their demographic. Still, LOVE.

Today I Hate:

My throat, which has swelled shut for unknown reasons. There is fiery pain whenever I swallow, and croaking noises whenever I try to speak. Do you understand how that might inconvenience someone who's job it is to answer the phones all day?
Dallas drivers, particularly the Honda Accord who tried to sideswipe me on the way into the office this morning. Because he didn't feel like obeying the giant flashing yellow arrow indicating a lane closure until he was actually at said arrow, and then mistakenly assumed that he had right-of-way to take over my lane since his was gone.
And also the BMW in my parking garage who tried to run me down once I was on foot, by driving 30 mph in an enclosed garage, while on his cell phone, driving the wrong way down a one way lane, and then veering into the parking spot I was standing in, waiting for his distracted, reckless ass to pass.
Additionally, a small note to the driver of said BMW - if you are doing the three things noted above (speeding down the wrong way of a one-way lane while on a cell phone) and you try to root around in your passenger seat, resulting in a swerve that almost kills a pedestrian, when you slam on your breaks to stop, please don't honk your horn and yell angrily at the pedestrian. Because in case you didn't notice, it was your negligent ass that was wrong, and had it not been for the car dodging ability of the guy walking, he would now be plastered on your windshield. Particularly considering that your oh-so-amazing response time with those breaks had you shuddering to a stop three feet past where he was standing. That would be why he was able to look at you through your passenger-side window, with a look that indicated he was ready to drag you out of the car and beat the crap out of you, despite his generally non-violent persona. Christ.

If it's okay with everyone else, I'm just going to call this day a draw and hide in my living room until first light tomorrow. I'm pretty okay with the balance I've struck.

TV Wrap Up (Alt Title: Screw You Too, America)

2008-02-29T13:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you playing along at home in the game entitled "Jason Watches American Idol," the current results are: 2 weeks passed, 3 of Jason's top 4 contestants already eliminated. Including my very favorite, Alexandrea, last night in the most egregious wrong ever committed on American soil.

If Brooke gets sent home, I will entirely refuse to watch the show again this season.

Also, I can see and hear empirically that that small Mormon boy, David A., is a very good singer. And he's inappropriately humble and cute about it. But sweet damn, why do I want to punch him in the face so much? The only thing stopping me is the fact that he completely lost his shit when Alexandrea was eliminated. Like, falling-over-sobbing-into-the-warm-embrace-of-Crazy-Hot-Luke-Menard-during-her-singout levels of shit losing. That was nice of him. But seriously, that's the only thing keeping him off my Most Hated List.

OH, AND - David Cook? You are officially dead to me, after that interview this week, wherein you used the phrases "word nerd," "enamored with word meanings," and "vocab" unironically. Do you remember that scene from The History Boys where they're giving that eulogy about "[someone's] love for words, and language"? Of course you don't, because I am the only person in the world who cares about that movie/play. But still, this was exactly like that, only one million times worse. I'm talking Taylor Hicks levels of revulsion.

Dead to me.

----------------------------

I stopped watching Lost twelve episodes into the second season, when I realized that it was doing nothing but pissing me off every Wednesday night. Questions upon mysteries, upon riddles, upon Matthew Fox's smug face, I'd had enough.

Then I found myself in front of the TV the night that this season started, and they had a one hour "catch up on the last 3 seasons" Cliff's Notes episode before it started. I figured, what the hell, and tried it out. While the recap was basically telling a story that had absolutely nothing to do with the first 2 seasons that I had watched, it was sort of interesting in its own right and I went ahead and watched the season premiere. And I've been rehooked ever since.

I have almost nothing to say about this whatsoever, except that I loved the episode last night more than any other hour of TV that I've seen this year. I make no excuses for the fact that I love the pure sap that was The Time Traveler's Wife, and this was like a fanfiction episode of what would happen if Lost and TTTW did a crossover episode. Sort of sappy, sort of confusing, sort of science fiction. My kind of TV. Good play, Lost.

Oscar Silence

2008-02-25T11:49:00.000-06:00

This year marked the first time in ages that I didn't have some manner of thing going on in relation to the Oscars. For a while there I had a weird streak of dying my hair a different color at the same time as the show (that's finally over, thank goodness), and lately there's always been some manner of party, or at least people over to crack wise and mock all the fashions.

But due to a magical thing called Forgetting That the Oscars Were This Weekend, I had the whole day to myself. And you know what? It was pretty sweet. Because I found that if you watch the entire show with the sound muted while reading a book, it's a really pleasant experience. You miss none of the winners and still get to see all the fashion and the reactions, plus you don't have to listen to the horrible presenter banter or the host's stale jokes (sorry Jon Stewart, but seriously). And the most painful part of the whole night for me, the acceptance speeches, suddenly become wonderfully fascinating, in the sort of way a deranged mime might be fun to watch for a while.

I'm totally sticking with this kind of Oscars forever now, because it didn't even seem that long, since I had a good book to occupy my time.

Some general notes on the night:

There weren't any horrible dresses this year, which was ever so sad. Not even Marion Cotillard's fish dress was able to get more than a derisive scoff from me. Poor form, crazy dressmakers of the world.
Best Moment of the Night: Tilda Swinton winning Best Supporting Actress. Meaning that, for the first time in forever, the person who I thought gave the best performance of anyone all year actually won in the their category. Seriously, I loved her performance more than anything and didn't expect her to win in the slightest.
2nd Best Moment of the Night: Once winning for Best Song, and the resulting two acceptance speeches. I actually turned the sound on for both of them. I couldn't be happier. And how cute were they?!
Worst Moment of the Night: Marion Cotillard? Really? I didn't know it until they actually read the winner, but oh man I really, really wanted Ellen Page to win that award. At least she looked super cute. Although did Michael Cera just not attend? I never saw him once.
Worst Ongoing Trend of the Night: Absolutely no love for Atonement (except for score, which: obviously) all the way through. It was expected but still ultra annoying. Totally the best movie, totally shafted. Ah well.

And that's that. Man, I feel really refreshed, and completely out of opinions. Plus I got through 260 pages in my book at the same time. It's a good day.

A Product Placed Cola Shame

2008-02-20T13:33:00.000-06:00

(NOTE: After I wrote this ridiculously long thing up, I decided that it was too dorky even for me to put up. Then I realized that I have no shame and really need blog filler. So it's going up about a week late. I'm sorry. Not for the lateness. For the content. So sorry.)

You guys, I was so sure I had gotten over it. After my brief flirtation with joining the seething masses of teenage girls and Frnak, I had made it an entire year without succumbing to the American Idol machine. Sure I would still watch, but it was only because I had a fake TV crush on that one guy from last year. I never even came close to picking up a telephone, and I would estimate that I only watched about every other episode. Even my crush wasn't that strong - I mean the boy made sound effects for a living. It would never have worked between us.

I assumed it was all just a fad, a scary Coca-Cola induced fad, and I had grown past the creepy devotion and Pavlovian phone dialing.

And then this season happened. With the whole writers' strike and the absence of any other new shows on TV, guarantying that I wouldn't have anything else to take up my time, I've been dragged straight down into the swirling vortex. As usual, the audition episodes were literally unwatchable (I think the longest I made it through was 8 consecutive minutes before something horrifying made me wince so hard that I changed the channel without touching the remote. All I needed was my brain waves and the immense shame powering them) but oh my, how addictive the Hollywood pare-down audtions are. It's like a fantastic car crash that you can't look away from, because more and more cars just keep barreling into the flaming wreckage, completely ignoring the fact that there is a huge pileup already there.

And now those are over, and today is officially the best day: The first day the initial bio pages are released for the top 24 contestants. I don't know why I love them so much, but they really, really speak to me. Particularly the part of me that likes to mock people. Because seriously, if you've never read them before, you have no idea what's in store.

Come along, as I recap the most intriguing parts of the different bios. Even with the reduced information this year (usually they're chock full of snark, this year they've learned their lesson and pared down the scary), there's still a trove of hidden gems. I also will make my entirely superficial judgments about them all, since as per usual we haven't seen more than 10 of the 24 sing at all. It's like they want to make this a popularity contest or something. The nerve.

Anyways, Lord help me, they're all below the cut, so as to hide most of my shame.

(Note: While I am a horrible person, I'll try to be a least a little bit sensitive to the fact that some of these contestants are approximately 9 years old, and cannot necessarily be faulted for what they say. Just thinking about a scenario in which I would be interviewed for a national TV program when I was 16 causes me physical pain.)

Alaina Whitaker - The fact that her bio and personal interview is so perfectly normal makes me hate her on principle. Plus, what's the deal with that last line about being "pretty good at shopping."? Is she making a joke? You would think so, but this is American Idol. One should never assume. Tentatively, though, she is not horrible. Sigh. What a way to start.

Alexandrea Lushington - Two for two with the inoffensive pages. Actually, I secretly like her most of all the girls, so I'm thrilled that she didn't have a terrifying bio. Also, she has the best quote of all the contestants.

Amanda Overmyer - Independent of the fact that she looks like a cross between Booberella from The Simpsons and an American Girl doll, she can actually sort of sing. That doesn't sway me though, when you factor in the Harley riding too. There's only so much (note the quotes) "rock-n-roll" I can take, and she's way over the line.

Amy Jean Davis - I think the correct word is ukelele, Amy Jean. Oh. Right, "a little guitar." I see what you were trying to say. Yeah, misplaced modifiers are no one's friend. An enemy of grammar is an enemy of mine.

Asia'h Epperson - Yeah, we can see your picture right there, Unnecessary Apostrophe Girl. You aren't allowed to claim make-up as a talent, unless we're talking clown make-up.

Brooke White - Y'all, I loved her before I read this bio. Now? "Beautifying"? The stupidest quote of the 24 (which is saying so much)? I'm just gonna pretend this whole page doesn't really exist. I love me a dramatic cryer on this show.

Carly Smithson - Oh, you're a crafty one. With your whole "Irish" thing, and your "perfect pint." It's not gonna work on me. I will remain strong. Probably for at least 2 weeks. And then you'll sing an awesome angry indie chick song that I love and I'll fall into your robotic spell. Damn you in advance, Irish temptress.

Chikezie Eze - Other talents: None. Niiiiice. Awesome name, though.

Colton David Berry - Sweet monkey damn, someone save me from all the jailbait this season. I'll refrain from comment, other than to say he was in a mortal lock with Brooke for the worst quote ever attempted, and just barely lost out. Oh, and "since I was young"? He's lucky he isn't within my slapping distance. Embryos aren't allowed to reminisce about when they were young.

Danny Norriega - A relevant conversation:
Him: "He's the gay one."
Her: "ONE?"
David Archuleta - Again with the tiny instruments. Sigh. This one, I think, is the force to be reckoned with. Although I also thought the same thing about Will Makar, and we all know how that turned out. *sniff*

David Cook - Quotes Road House and manages to ogle Mandy Moore through text. Then he gets the best joke line of all the contestants with his Other Talents. Means I think he's awesome and will thus be gone by end of February.

David Hernandez - I really think this guy might actually be a robot in human disguise, and he's taken on the tiniest accent to hide his not-complete mastery of speech. Also, his roving eyebrows are the scariest facial feature of any of the contestants, including the white shock of hair on the one girl, and the plethora of other piercings on everyone else.

Garrett Haley - Looks a little crazy/alien, and his eyes seem to be strangely oriented on his face. Also, I wouldn't put it past him for that thing on head to actually be a wig. Plus - way to narrow down the timeline of when you started singing to 3 full years. Wildly informative. (I'm being overly mean, I actually like this one.)

Jason Castro - White-boy dreads. I utterly refuse.

Jason Yeager - Seems completely un-hateable, except for the fact that he seems to be suffering from the same hair coloring disease that's affecting the Overmyer girl. Also, old man is old. I hope he does well.

Joanne Borgella - Girl, I love DAUGHTRY too. Sometimes we can't help it. But we will have issues if you keep bringing up the plus-sized girl thing all season long. I get my zaftig discussion fix from ANTM, I am here to see cute gay boys dance around on stage.

Kady Alexis Malloy - The fact that you qualified Freddy Mercury "of Queen" makes me hate you for no understandable reason. I'm sorry dear, sometimes these things happen.

Kristy Lee Cook - Even though I don't like her, she totally wins the award for best bio page. There is so much nuance she's packed in to such a tiny space. Qualifying that she only likes Young LeAnn Rimes (totally implied: not the older, whorish Coyote Ugly LeAnn Rimes), the word cowgirl as a verb, a subtle dropping of her "pro" singing career at 13, and a casual mention of cage fighting in Talents. This girl has it all. Watch the fuck out for this one.

Luke Menard - If by "29" you mean "36," yeah okay. But whatever, we don't discriminate against The Hotness here at Belligerent and Numerous. You come right in.

Michael Johns - Even older than the 36 year old we just went through, but is totally going to crush the one, since he's got A) the accent and B) all the face-time during the auditions. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, though. Not that hot.

What? You heard me.

Ramiele Macrowon Malubay - Best name, worrying quote. Means she's totally been taking notes from Sanjaya. Bonus points for being the first person to correctly modify her limited talents at musical instruments without butchering the English language too much. Minus points for having 40 favorite artists. This girl is just all over the map.

Robbie Carrico - I can't get past the hair to formulate any other thoughts. My only emotion towards him is the overwhelming urge to drench him with a fire hose.

Syesha Mercado - See, this one did not count hair or make-up as one of her strong points, so I just think she got on the bad side of the photographer's assistant. Anyways, nothing else to say, she's another one of my favorites.

My Top Three Boys Before Hearing Anyone Sing: Colton (with the Gay Hair), David Cook (with the Ugly Face but Good Bio), and Garrett (the Alien Looking One).

My Top Three Girls Before Hearing Anyone Sing: Alexandrea (with the Military Garb), Brooke (who's Bio Doesn't Exist in my Mind), and Syesha (with the Hair and Makeup from a Forgotten Age of Clowns).

A Minor Retraction

2008-02-20T11:04:00.000-06:00

So maybe I was a little hasty with my last bout of ranting and raving.

Because apparently if you aren't home after the first delivery, you can arrange with UPS to go to their shipping center and pick up a package that same day, provided you don't mind the drive. Which, at this point in my epic OCD-level quest for video games, I'm totally fine with.

So I arrange with the UPS guy to pick up my package at their processing center, which is on practically the diametrical opposite end of Dallas from my house. Indeed, it's almost out near the airport like I suspected. But per his instructions, all I need to do is get there before 8:30pm. Since I've been hit with the American Idol sickness (see my upcoming post of epic, epic shame) I decide to head out there right after work, so I can be back by 7:00pm. I make the heroic trek down there, only to be told that no, I cannot have my package.

Because apparently the guy I spoke to was a bit confused on the specifics of this pick-up thing. Same day pick-up only occurs in the very precise half hour window of 8:00-8:30pm on the day that you schedule the pick-up. Seriously. You have an exact 30 minute span of time in which you must arrive, submit your order and get it processed, otherwise you have to rearrange a time and try another day.

So I drive back home and remake the exact same trek an hour and a half later. The lengths to which I will go to get this box are ridiculous, especially since there's really not that much I want to play right now. At this point it's just a matter of pride and determination. I will get this thing today, dammit.

When I arrive back at UPS (at 8:03), I am informed that they still cannot find my package, but I should wait around until all the truck drivers come back, in case they still have it on their truck. I wait another 28 minutes until I'm the only customer left in the place. The woman who cannot find my package looks over at me and realizes that, based on the fanatic gleam in my eye, she's not going to get to go home tonight until she finds my package. She takes off down to the warehouse herself to check on the last of the trucks coming in.

Meanwhile a random worker wanders out from the back and sees me, obviously surprised that anyone is left around. She asks me for my last name. I give it to her and start to explain that the other worker has gone out looking for my wayward package. The girl cocks her head to the side and looks at me with a puzzled expression. Barely even looking over, she reaches out to her immediate left and grabs the only large box left at the counter.

"Yeah, this is your package right here. I don't know what she was looking at."

Rather than pull my hair out and run from the office screaming, I hand over my driver's license and sign for the box. An hour or 14 later, I'm back at home and finally get to unpack my delicious Wii.

It's pretty cool, although the awesomeness was slightly diminished when Frnak proceeded to smoke me at both Tennis and Bowling in rapid sucession. I mean he destroyed me. It was so sad, y'all. My little guy can't bowl to save his life.

But whatever. Wii!

Wii Would Like to Play, Dammit

2008-02-19T14:55:00.001-06:00

Sweet monkey damn, I am so fed up with people.

So I finally found a Wii last Tuesday morning, after months of searching - scouring web pages, haunting Target, and generally making an ass out of myself at Gamestop. I really wanted one, for no good reason, except that I really want to be able to play the new Smash Bros. game that comes out next month. It's not exactly a huge deal, and it seems like a whole lot of money just to play one game, but somehow it turned into this epic quest for me, finding this damn game system.

Whatever, it may be weird and dorky, but it gave me something else to devote my time to now that I'm back off the World of Warcraft.

And they aren't kidding when they say that they're hard to find. It's just insane. I was finally ready to give up when I determined that I would have to start getting up 45 minutes early each morning to go on speculative shopping expeditions. That would usually fail.

But then I lucked out and tracked this one down last week on the internets, although it has to come in from Marble Falls.

Which means it's gotta be mailed to me.

Which is fine.

Oh, it won't get shipped until Friday?

Well, I guess that's fine, I've already paid, but guess I can miss one more weekend without it.

It'll arrive on Monday and Frnak will be home to sign for it.

It doesn't come on Monday.

Oh well, it was probably just a President's Day thing, it's coming USPS so I can just pick it up from the post office when it arrives tomorrow.

Oh, it didn't get mailed out until Monday?

That's lame.

But to make up for it, now it's on overnight delivery UPS?

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Because now it'll HAVE to be signed for, and Frnak's at work all week and so am I. Meaning that I'll have to wait until they've done their three attempts (Tues, Wed, & Thurs), and then go pick the damn thing up out at the package center, which is somewhere out in the middle of nowhere by the airport, and it's only open during normal business hours. So I'll get the system something like two weeks after I paid for it, after I drive all over Dallas, the whole reason that I went with the online route in the first place. Sweet.

Why do people have to suck so much? I just want to play a Mario game by swinging my hands around like a fool battling an insect, possible smacking Frnak in the head "accidentally" in the process. Is that too much to ask?

Grr and Arg.

(This post is brought to you by Jason's utter lack of shame that he still plays and whines about video games like a 12 year old.)

Like a Dr. Seuss Tale, In a Way

2008-01-28T10:41:00.000-06:00

So I think we're far enough removed from the events now that I can go ahead and tell this story without flailing around like a prepubescent girl. But we'll see.

----------------------

About a week and a half before Christmas, I became completely convinced that there was a mouse in my apartment. I had no direct evidence at first. Only the slow disintegration of the gingerbread house that I left on the dining room table from our Christmas party. As the house wasn't so much made of "gingerbread" as it was "cardboard reconstituted to resemble a hard cookie with gingerbread flavoring," I had assumed it would be fine to leave out and among the elements.

But as more chunks of it would fall off, I became more suspicious, as it seemed very solid and rock-like when we were doing the construction. The final straw came when one morning I found that one of the artificial gingerbread trees in front of the house had been partially gnawed away. As I figured it (pretty) unlikely that Frnak had snuck in during the night and chewed down a bit of tree, I took this as real confirmation that there was indeed a mouse in the house. As it were.

I went to the store to buy some sort of mouse trapping device, after discussing it with Frnak and deciding that it would probably be a bad idea to just kill it outright. That's mean, right? Also, what if it died in the walls? We would have mouse stink, and also possibly a mouse ghost haunting our condo.

Sadly, though, as I was staring at the "humane" mouse deterrent devices in the store, I realized I had no idea what I would do if they actually worked. Most of these things centered around glue. As in a mouse would wander over this trap and be stuck to the glue. As if this solved the problem.

What are these people thinking? One morning I'm going to wake up and find a live mouse glued to a trap. And then what? Do I need to kill it on my own? Drive it to a farm and release it into the wild, minus its feet, which are permanently immersed in the glue? Reason with it until it understands human language and convince it to leave? This is not the mouse from The Rats of NIHM, or that delightful Pixar cartoon.

No sir, the glue was right out. As there was no full-on cage type trap, I was left only with the lethal alternatives. As I had horrifying visions of trying to set up a traditional mouse trap (spring + cheese + SNAP) and losing most of a finger just getting it set, I opted for the old standard of poison. It wasn't the most elegant solution, and it might someday have led to smells and haunting, but I couldn't wrap my mind around dealing with a mouse on my own terms. Poison it was.

My hunting instinct fully honed, I set up these little dishes of poison around various areas of the house and kept the place immaculately clean all the time leading up to and through Christmas.

Immediately we realized that indeed we did have a mouse. Possibly a giant colony of mice, in fact, judging on the amount of poison that was consumed during the first week of trap setting. This box of poison boasted that there was enough materials available to finish off 6-8 mice, and we were burning through the whole thing at a rapid pace. At that point I had visions of the opening scene from Ratatouille, expecting any morning to wake up and find a damnable mouse convention passed out dead in the middle of our floor, or ready to lead a coup d'etat of the apartment.

Either way, I was very tense for about 9 consecutive days there.

(Here we switch to the present tense to do a sort of stream-of-conscious sort of reliving, as I can't objectively run this part down.)

Around day 10 of MouseWatch '07, I'm idly minding my own business and playing around on the computer after a long day at work. Suddenly I sense a bit of movement out of the corner of my eye, and I see this little (gigantic!) brown mouse just sort of wandering around my room, all nonchalant-like, or possibly just horribly disoriented, based on its swerving sort of gait.

I make some manner of noise that I can't do justice to in print, but suffice it to say that even in the mouse's drunken state it recognized the signal of "a 12 year-old girl has just spotted me, perhaps I should hide" and wandered underneath my bed.

Y'all? Let's just pause a second. There was a tiny (gigantic!) brown mouse, alive and presently hiding under my bed. Odds are, if you're reading this, you probably know me. Imagine how you would expect that I would react. And then quadruple it. I never thought I had a real aversion to mice (it's not like they're clowns or something), but sweet damn I suddenly found my real fear of rodents in that moment. And it was under my bed!

I run down the hall to Frnak's room and enlist him to help deal with this situation. We both approach my room in the same manner as you see on a television sitcom when someone suspects that there is a burglar in their house, all peering around corners and easily yelping at light provocation. After examination of the room to verify that the mouse has not changed locations, we begin to formulate plans.

First things first.

Jason: Frank, grab my shoes.
Frnak: [Grabs Jason's shoes. Takes one and hands it to Jason. Takes the other, holds it by the toe and wields it like a club.]
Jason: Not as a weapon! I need to put them on! God!
Frnak: Well how am I supposed to know! We need to be able to defend ourselves.
Jason: (breathlessly) Defend ourselves?! It's a tiny mouse! We are totally bigger than it. But seriously, if that mouse were to run over my bare foot, I would have a heart attack and die right there. Wait wait wait. Are you actually planning on killing it? Oh good lord, you are, aren't you? (*Gasp and point*) And you were going to use my shoe to do it! Those are my brand new favorite shoes and you were going to ruin them with mouse blood!
Frnak: (turns and gives Jason a look)
Jason: Yeah, okay, I'll calm down.

The plan is formulated: I cannot kill a mouse. Frnak is less than certain that he can. I decide then that we're going to capture him and release him into the wild, far far away from our house. Suitably armed for such a task (Frnak's Weapon of Choice: White Styrofoam Ice Chest, Jason's WoC: Black Mesh Wire Trash Can from the Bathroom) I sneak over to the bed and start raising up the...

(Sidebar: What the hell is that thing called? The thing that hangs down over the box spring to the floor? Bed curtain? Hanging... yeah I have no idea. But it's that thing.)

... the thing an inch at a time, tucking it under the mattress, all the while expecting the mouse to come shooting out from underneath, possibly going straight for my eyes. An imagination is a terrible, terrible thing to have and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Finally the suspense is just too much for me and I decide to just move the bed altogether, indicating to Frnak that he should be ready to ice chest the little bastard the second we see him.

I move the bed to the left. No mouse. To the right. No mouse. Away from the wall. No mouse.

Frnak: If this mouse is a figment of your imagination, I swear to God I will beat you with this ice chest.
Jason: NO! It was totally there! I saw it.
Jason's Mind: Oh my God, what if I'm losing my mind? Imaginary mice? They commit people for that kind of thing.

Fueled by my visions of being sent to the nut house, I give the bed a mighty pull and move it entirely to the other side of the room.

Mouse!

Frnak: AHHHHHH!
Mouse: (runs and hides under my nightstand)
Jason: Dammit! What happened to the plan? You were supposed to catch it!
Frnak: I started to think you were making the whole thing up. I wasn't prepared!

So now we have a mouse under a tiny nightstand. Luckily, due to the fact that my apartment leaks heat faster than anything else in the world, I have already sealed off all of the exits to the room by stuffing clothing at the bottom of each door jamb. We know he cannot get out, it's only a matter of time.

That is until we move the nightstand and the mouse starts making his drunken way towards the closet. There is lots of shrieking and flailing, but little catching of the mouse. Somehow it worms its way through the blockade and into the closet.

There are several more minutes of shrieking, flailing, name-calling, and promises to burn every article of clothing the mouse touches, before finally the mouse is trapped under the wire mesh trashcan in the closet. Now we have a very angry mouse scaling the sides of its tiny prison, which is possibly more terrifying than when it was out on the loose. As Frnak leans down to take a closer look, the mouse turns and hisses at him, unnerving him practically to death. The mouse is a satan mouse. But we soldier on. Using our McGuyver-like instincts we upend the mouse, and seal him inside the trashcan with a piece of cardboard.

We make the very long trek from our apartment all the way to the expanse of woods that borders our apartment complex. I feel pretty confident that he's not going to be able to find his way back, seeing as there's a fence, a ditch, a huge lawn, a driveway, a dumpster, and three other apartment buildings he would have to traverse. Also, the little (gigantic!) guy is seriously lethargic, I'm not thinking he is long for this world anyways. I manage to finally shake him free of the trash can after several scary moments wherein I thought he would extract his revenge on me by forever clinging to the side of the can until the opportunity to feast on my flesh arose. He stumbles around drunkenly for a few seconds and then finally wanders into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.

-----------------------

I should probably follow that entire story up with the postscript that we were incredibly lucky that a) it was just one mouse, and b) when we found him he had eaten 5 full servings of poison, because seriously had we met that mouse at full strength, it would have bested both of us and would now rule the apartment like a king.

But we did win, and I am happy to report there has not been even a mention of any further mousings, at all. (I've been keeping a vigorous watch over the poison, just in case.) I like to think that it's an all around triumph, even if there was a lot of shrieking and childish name-calling in the process. It's all about the ends, not the means.

Of Course there are more Year End Lists!

2008-01-02T10:38:00.000-06:00

So I made it through the entire last 4 months of the year with exactly 3 days of illness, right up to New Year's Eve, when I was suddenly, unbelievably, violently ill. So rather than at a party with friends, I spent the last moments of the year freezing in my bathroom. I have absolutely the worst luck.

Anyways, I'm mostly recovered now. So what do we do? We write more year end lists!

First up: Critical Movie List!

Now that I've seen all the movies I plan on for 2007, I can hand out the imaginary awards in my mind. I missed several of the big award movies this year (noticeably - American Gangster, No Country for Old Men, and Charlie Wilson's War) but that doesn't slow me down a bit. Everything gets 5 nomination slots, one winner.

Best Motion Picture
Juno
Atonement
Michael Clayton
Lars and the Real Girl
Sweeney Todd

Notes: In my mind it's a three way race for #1 (Juno, Atonement, and Todd), and it was ridiculously hard to pick out the two lesser movies that made the cut on the best list. I eventually gave the bump up to the two movies with the most impressive acting. Also, it kills me that Zodiac couldn't make the cut.

Winner: In an utter battle royale, I give the win to Atonement, for sheer longlasting value. It's just amazing and it will stand the test of time, whereas I think Juno won't age quite as well, even if I would much prefer to watch Juno multiple times currently.

Best Director - Motion Picture
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
David Fincher - Zodiac
Neil Jordan - The Brave One
Tim Burton - Sweeney Todd
Joe Wright - Atonement

Notes: Jordan gets in by sheer lack of impressive candidates, since I didn't see any of the big director movies this year (American Gangster, No Country, and Into the Wild). This one is more a foregone conclusion than most, although I want to go on record as saying that Joe Wright did amazing things with Atonement, particularly the long shot at Dunkirk, which in any other year would have won him the award in a heartbeat.

Winner: But I was enthralled by Sweeney Todd, and almost entirely due to the direction. Tim Burton wins in a walk, for using his style without apology in a way that utterly enhances a story that is a perfect fit for it. Almost a stacked deck, in my opinion, but it's a textbook rendition of excellent direction.

Best Actor - Motion Picture
James McAvoy - Atonement
Ryan Gosling - Lars and the Real Girl
Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - The Lookout
George Clooney - Michael Clayton

Notes: I'm allowed my vices - Joseph Gordon-Levitt was flawless in that movie and I will not hear a word against him. And I atone for the preferential treatment of him by putting Clooney in there, even though I don't like him. I recognize a good performance when I see it. But man, seriously, I really don't like him.

Winner: McAvoy appeared at the end and gave him a run for his money, but Ryan Gosling still takes it. An amazing job - I swear, the movie would have been horrible had anyone else in the world had his part.

Best Actress - Motion Picture
Kiera Knightley - Atonement
Ellen Page - Juno
Helena Bonham Carter - Sweeney Todd
Kerri Russel - Waitress
Jodie Foster - The Brave One

Notes: This was the year for women's performances I loved. I would have no problem giving this to any one of the five without a second thought. Even Kerri Russel, who seems like the odd-woman-out up there until you think about her performance in Waitress and realize that she carried a complex movie on her shoulders without making it look like work. It nearly kills me to pick just one.

Winner: Helena Bonham Carter. I can't in good conscience give it to anyone else, although Page and Knightley are so close here that they can taste it. Just an uncommonly great year. But Knightley gets a lot of help in her movie from McAvoy and all the actresses who play Briony in Atonement, so she has a lesser degree of difficultly. And Page is just the opposite - she has the toughest job of all, since her character is written with such hard to swallow dialogue that her performance is elevated just because of what she had to work with. But Carter plays her role so perfectly - she gets Depp to work against, but also has to run the gamut of emotion, humor, and singing. I feel good with her as the big winner.

Best Supporting Actor - Motion Picture
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton
Jeremy Sisto - Waitress
Paul Schneider - Lars and the Real Girl
Alan Rickman - Sweeney Todd
Chris Cooper - Breach

Notes: Another tough one, as there are so many options (let's all take a moment to mourn Robert Downey Jr.'s exclusion for Zodiac). Sisto gets a nod for bringing untold levels of menace and character to a role that is so confusingly written, while Schneider gets one for having to play the straight man in the least comedic comedy in a long while. Both are hard roles, but for me it's a straight up dead heat between Chris Cooper and and Tom Wilkinson. Both had difficult parts that could make or break their respective movies...

Winner: But Chris Cooper gets the win in my mind, for elevating his movie from good to great based solely on his performance (Michael Clayton could stand on its own, as we'll soon see). Breach isn't winning a ton of awards by any measure, but he makes what could be an incredibly dull movie riveting, just in the character he creates.

Best Supporting Actress - Motion Picture
Jennifer Garner - Juno
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton
Emily Mortimer - Lars and the Real Girl
Romola Garai - Atonement

Notes: How much did I love Briony in Atonement? Yeah, two perfect performances there, by two different people. We're just lucky Vanessa Redgrave was only onscreen for, like, 5 minutes or we would have serious issues. A quick word of sadness that Emily Mortimer won't get a second of recognition for her great work in Lars, despite how perfect she was.

Winner: Because this is a knockdown, drag-out fight between Garner and Swinton, who are both the actual best things about both of their movies. But I give it to Swinton, hands down. She just has so little to work with, but is flawless throughout the whole movie. I love her so much in this part. (Garner gets a ton of help from the screenplay in her role, just because it gives her so much to work with.)

Other Quick Ones:
Best Screenplay - A fierce but short battle between Juno and Atonement, with Juno taking it by a hair. Even though I think the dialogue is trying at times, it's hard to do comedy and characters well, and the writing there really is great. I'm glad there will be two categories at the Oscars, though, so they can both win there.

Best Original Score - Atonement. Full stop. Just great.
Best Animated Feature - Ratatouille (I mean, come on.)

Whew. Now I'm exhausted, and I haven't even gotten to TV. This list making thing really takes it out of you. We'll see if we can't get more out later on.